Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

Hogworts i have come on here early as i dont know what time you are going to your mum,s .I wanted to wish you luck, dont hold things back from her,i am sure you will find her tremedously supportive.i am now climbing into your bag !!!!

Hi Hogwarts - glad you have been to the doc and that the doc was supportive and helpful.

And thank God for your friend. She sounds great and as if she knows you well and what you have been through with your H. (Can't bring myself to put D about someone who is acting as he is to the woman he purports to love).

Good luck with telling your Mum. Will come along in handbag if you feel it will help!

Hugs my dear. Will be thinking of you today.

hog, i think your mother will surprise you.

i, too, am the mother of daughters.

i think she'll be so sad and upset that her child had to go through so much these past few months alone.

and don't forget those aunts and uncles.

hell, i'll bet your brother will be supportive, too.

i know i would, if it were my sister.

and don't forget MN.

i've been here a few years, and i have seen women who were about as low as it can be, scared, homeless, abused, penniless and in debt, jobless with no qualifications, some even with SN kids.

and to see them now!

wow!

they are a great source of help to other women now, too.

emotional abusers use peoples' feelings to control them. and they can get nasty when they lose that control.

but you know, they never really had any real control, because everyone's heart and thoughts are truly free.

please keep us posted on how it goes with your mum.

maybe direct her to this thread if you feel you can't do it alone, call your friend, etc.

i'm so glad your doctor was understanding.

i'll bet he went home tonight and still thought about you. maybe he's even got kids, too, and thought about how that could be his child one day, too.

i know i do.

my heart really breaks for you, hogwarts.

but you've got to be one of the strongest people i've seen on here.

keep the faith!

That post took me about two hours to write and now it looks a bit disjointed! I put the bit in about early abortion being 'just a pill' as DS's father made it sound so reasonable and as if then everything would be ok and your H saying he'd have a week off work if you had a termination struck a chord with me. (Some) men seem to think it's no more traumatic than having a tooth out do they?

Gah, I could go on for hours about fuckwitted men but I shall restrain myself for now

Well done, I am so glad that you spoke to your friend and so happy that she was so supportive. I am crossing my fingers madly that your mum is just as supportive tomorrow.

I just caught up with what's happened over the last few days.

Hogwarts, you really have been under enormous pressure and your H has really played on your feelings of guilt hasn't he? I feel for you so much. My son's father said a lot of the same things but it must be even more heartbreaking to hear it from a partner you have been with for so long.

DS's dad said, amongst other things, that he hated the fact that he could not control the situation. I said whilst he couldn't control what I did he could control the way he dealt with it. I was trying to make things easy for him and I have made things easy for him to this day

He also said that an early abortion involved 'just taking a pill' as if that made it easier! It's not as easy as that anyway procedure wise never mind the whole emotional side of it.

It's laughable really that he feels he made the right decision to have no contact. He must feel he has gained so much more by sacrificing any relationship with his son. He's lost more than he'll ever know and the same goes for my exH too. I pity them.

There is so much more I want to write - especially about your H's behaviour! - but DS is demanding my attention. Anyway, I am hoping that your visit to GP, your support off your BF and some time off work plus telling your mum has and will give you the courage you need for the future. You don't need them to give you strength - you already have it in you and you have shown that already.

I shall squeeze in your bag for tomorrow although I'm sure you will be fine telling your mum Good luck - keep us posted x

Hello Hogwarts, you sound just a bit more at peace than you did earlier.
Hope tomorrow goes well for you.

ooooh well done ! good luck with telling your mum and i'm glad you got some time off work - have a nice rest.
you've almost restored my faith in GP's - they're not all useless ! lol.
goodnight, so proud of you hogwarts !!! xxxxx

Thinking of you, will put on best togs for when I meet your mum

We are all here rooting for you.

Good luck for tommorow. Your friend sounds wonderful and supportive. It's good to hear you have been signed of work for a while.

Hogwarts - I'm so pleased your BF said all those things, you needed someone in RL to say these things and she has! And well done for deciding to tell your mum tomorrow, I'll be in that bag of yours too . As for your H....no comment as I may end up swearing!!!

Please let us know how you get on with your mum tomorrow, I just KNOW you'll not regret speaking to her. Just do what you did with the Dr, walk in and let it all out - you don't need to put on an act anymore hunny!!!

{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

Looneytune xxx

yes i will come with you,i am sure she will be very supportive to you.whatever you decide.Your story has moved me very much and even though i am not a violent person ,i could punch your H.I will be thinking of you tomorrow,Mum will want what is best for you x

Hogwarts - I have just found your thread today and have spent the last 2 hours reading it and i really can't believe what some of you have had to go through and are going through. You are all such strong women

Hogwarts - it seems you have made your decision and this will be the best one for you because it is what you want! I completely agree with Expat on alot of what she has said already regarding the way your DH is bullying you, please tell your family asap it will make you feel better you will then be able to talk freely to whoever you want when you want (including all on here too of course )

Your family sound like they have been fantasic for you in the past and i'm sure they will be again.

I really hope things work out ok for you and your DH, but if they don't then you will be ok and you will make it with the help of your family and friends

Hi Hogwarts, how did it go?? Been thinking of you! {{{hugs}}}.

Please listen to curseofthemummylin - my mum was so upset I didn't talk to her about my termination until it was all over with. You really should confide in your mum.

Anyway, the rest has been said so I'll just wait til you come back hun.

LT xxxx

(((((((((((MASSIVE HUG))))))))))))))))))
hope you're holding on chick x x x x x x

what dizietsma said.

I have been following your thread hogwarts and would like to speak to you as the mum of an adult daughter.if it were my daughter in your situation i would bend over backwards to help you in a ny way that i possibly could.Do not let your dh put all this pressure on you ,he is an arsehole.If he goes on to have another affair and then has a child with someone else,how on earth would you be feeling,your children would have a half brother/sister and you would always be filled with so much regret at the child that he chose for you to terminate.If it comes to the point you are on your own with your children,if your mum is as close to you as i am to my daughter,you wont need him ,your family will help you though it all.Of course the choice is ultimatley your own but i think by reading your story termination is not what you want,its what he wants.If you also have concerns about how you would manage financially on your own,I am sure there are loads of mumsnetters who will be able to help you out with the stuff that you need.I myself can make you some baby cardigans if this would help you.Your mum will be so concerned that you have had to go through all of this worry,she will be there for you im sure, i wouldnt want my daughter to have to bear this on her own ,go on tell her please.My children ,even though they are both adults and have children of their own, are still my priority in life,im sure you are the same in your mums life too. good luck.

Thinking of you Hogwarts. {{{HUGS}}}

Oh, Hogwarts, what an emotional rollercoaster this whole thing is for you!

Please, please, please tell your family about your pregnancy as soon as possible.

It seems to me that the reason you are having such a hard time with this is due to the manipulations of your partner. Until you create a support network of Real Life people who would be supportive of you continuing this pregnancy I think your partner will continue to pressure you because you are isolated, therefore vulnerable and I've no doubt he can clearly see his manipulations are working.

He'll probably tighten up the pressure on you the most just before you break your silence because he'll be terrified of losing control of the situation once you spill.

Hogwarts, you may well genuinely want and benefit from a termination, but how on earth can you be expected to make a balanced, reasoned decision under such duress? This is why you need people who will support you if you do decide to carry on with the pregnancy- you have so much pressure from one direction, it would at least be more balanced to have some from the other direction. Mumsnet is not a substitute for the people who love you supporting you through this difficult time. Tell your mum and dad. Tell your brother your husband is bullying you into a termination when you aren't sure you want one- I bet his protective brother instincts will override any wedding selfishness!

Your husband is presenting you with something called a false dilemma. It is a logical fallacy where you are told you must to choose between one option and another when you actually have other options- your partner is posing it as your kids versus your potential kid. The thing is, it's not a case of your kids versus potential kid. Giving another sibling to your children is a gift, not a curse! Sure there'll be adjustment, financially and emotionally, but I doubt that your kids will grow up and tell you that they wish their little brother or sister was never born and it was the biggest mistake you ever made as a parent, do you?

If your husband decides to leave you then that is his (or rather, his lack of) responsibility. Don't let him try and make you responsible for his decision. Despite his outrageous behaviour towards you during this pregnancy and his unfaithfulness previously you still want him to be with you. He should be on his knees thanking you for being such a forgiving and understanding wife, so don't be bullied by his threats. If he leaves such a wife whilst she is pregnant with his third child, then that is for his conscience, not yours.

Now, please, pick up the phone. Reach out. Good luck.

diz x

lol at expat: 'what's the point of him at all?'

and LOL at Heated at the vascectomy birthday present !

Great idea actually....! He's expecting you to go through with such a horrible procedure but I don't think he'd take too kindly to having his bits snipped around with and having to sit with an ice pack on his balls for a week! LOL

SO sorry if that seemed i was preached to you - I am completely Pro Choice and always have been but i just wanted you to consider my experience and how I felt about it.
I guess I used to see abortion as such an easy and normal solution....I thought it was the thing to do if you got pregnant at my age.
But now my views have changed slightly, having gone through a miscarriage.
Some woman don't regret terminations...some women use them as forms of contraceptions. And that's really sad....but you should never forget what an abortion actually is...what the actual procedure is going to do to your body and your mental health (especially later on in the pregnancy as you are).
And anyway I don't need to explain this to you because I know you're not taking this lightly AT ALL. arrrrrg im gonna stop babbling.
love xxxxx

Hogwarts - you should get a scan at 12 weeks anyway and that's the best way to tell if all is ok. As you know, I had a scan on Friday and they couldn't confirm whether or not it was going to be ok (not hopeful) but when I go back on Friday I'll know for sure. I begged for blood tests but they said that wouldn't confirm, the scan would. As you are much further gone than me, they should be able to scan you and see much much clearer. Best of luck at Dr's xxxxx

WARNING VERY LONG MESSAGE! SORRY!

I agree with everyone on here -i don't want to push you in any direction or bully you like ur husband is (and i also agree that he's a textbook emotional abuser!!) BUT I can tell by reading ALL of your posts that you do want this baby and you STILL do....the single reason you're going to have the termination is for your husband. Plenty of lone paretns raise their kids wonderfully and I believe you can too!! And like I've said before I doubt he will leave anyway...even if he does leave he'll still support you because of pressure from outside people not to be percieved as a 'twat' or 'bastard' of a father.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - you have support from your Dr, your Best Friend and I know your Mum will support you if you explain the situation and how you're on the verge of a breakdown because your husband is threatening to leave you if you don't abort your baby. Especially after his affair she will be 100% behind you I know it. (I'm not sure if you have a little girl) But is one of your children was going through this in 10/20 years time wouldn't you want to be there for them, help them and guide them?

Now I'll just say my story on the whole termination not being able to make a decision thing...

I am 18 years old (definately not able to financially able to support myself with a baby) luckily I have a supportive and wonderful partner but anyway..I decided to have a termination because with all the pressures and prejudices of the society we live in I thought it was what I should do as a young woman because I thought I could never cope with a baby....I went to the hospital, signed the forms, had an interal exam etc. and was shitting myself with fear the whole time, worrying if there was gonna be a complication with the procedure etc.
Then I had a scan to confirm my dates and saw the little foetus in a little sac in my womb and it felt SO unreal....but I couldn't stop staring at it.
Then a few days before the abortion my parents and my partner suddenly blurted out that they didn't want me to have the termination and they were just trying to support me by going along with it but they offered me so much hope by telling me all the ways that we could make having a baby work....I started to get really excited that I could actually do it if I wanted it enough.
I kept looking at old baby pictures of myself and imagining that this little baby would look similar to me in the pictures..a mini me.
I was crying my eyes out. And that night (the night before my termination) I decided I couldn't go through with it -I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life. Sure some people might have said 'but you might regret having a baby for the rest of your life more?! Surely that will be more difficult than having a termination?' And the way I thought about it was:

Termination - would have to live with the guilt of deciding to end my baby's life (especially against my partner's wishes).

• would always have felt the feeling of being pregnant and that I would be changed forever, I'll never been the same carefree teenager again.
• me and my partner would have definately split up...if not a few months down the line but it definately would have torn us apart. He would have blamed me for it (he still has bad feelings towards me even now for even thinking about doing it!)
• my life would be in tatters.

Baby - yes i'd be tired, my body would never be the same again

• some doors would be closed to me forever
• i wouldn't be financially well off for quite some time
• i would have to devote my life to my child
• BUT I would be content, fulfilled and I would always know I made the right decision when I looked into my beautful child's eyes.
• the day he/she brought their first mothers day card they'd made home from school it'd make it all worth while to see their proud little face whenever they achieved something and I praised them.

ALLLL of this and MORE would remind me every day WHY I made the decision to let my baby live.

The whole 2 months while I was pregnant and struggling to make the decision whether to have an abortion I used to despair at my inabililty to choose! I wanted someone to make the decision for me because I was desperatly scared of the responsibility I had in making it. I was terrified I'd make the wrong one and regret it for the rest of my life. In the end I chose the decision that I knew I would regret the least. And that's what you have to do FOR YOU.

You keep saying you want someone to make the decision made for you - my advice (having wished the same myself) is....be careful what you wish for.
Because 3 weeks after I made the decision to keep my baby I got what I had been wishing for.... (although rather late and obviously who ever made the decision for me..God..fate...mother nature,whatever had obviously not been updated on the recent developments of the situation!!!)
I miscarried at 10 weeks. My partner and I were both devasted. And I'll never get over it. Never. I feel SO guilty for not wanting it at the very start, I feel SO SO guilty for being ready to abort my baby and give up on it's life. I feel somehow maybe it felt that it wasn't wanted enough and just gave up growing. I feel it is all my fault.

I hope you make the right decision for you but PLEASE consider what everyone here has said too. And please tell your Mum and PLEASE don't let that emotional bully of a husband ruin your life any longer!