thank you hester. i just turned 29, but i have enough life experience to be an 80 year old. it helps that i have a wonderful loving partner now. i didn't always have that. i unfortunately got hooked up with the wrong guy at a very young age 13. he was an abusive monster. i was the good girl, never did dugs, and thought i could help the world, and save him. big mistake, he got hooked on drugs, did nothing but lie, and steal thousands from me from a lawsuit i had gotten from an accident, not to mention all of my merchandise he stole and sold for his own benefit. the worst was his abuse. regular daily beatings for no reason were constant, even when i was pregnant at 19. i did not want to have a child with this loon, but we had gone on our yearly camping trip w/ all of his friends, and i had too much to drink and passed out in the tent. weeks later i found out i was pregnant, and he then admitted to me, he had raped me. my parents were outraged, because they are conservative, and banished me (temporarilly) at that time. i wanted to live with one of them (since they were seperated), and they said unless i had an abortion right away, they would not let me in their home, and i was cut off from them completely. money wise and all, and they had plenty of $$. because my guy at the time, had wiped me out financially, i was pregnant without any $$ to live. i did have a car that was all,and that was getting very hard to pay for.i just could not have an abortion, i just couldn't no matter what the consequenses and they were severe! my parents, threw my stuff in the back of my car and sent me off with nowhere to go. i slept in my car for several days, and then i ended up in a homeless shelter for 5 months of my pregnancy. then after i came out, i got a job, until i popped, so to speak, and moved to try and hide away from my ex, but it was no use, he found me the 5 times in a year i had moved. he never cared about the baby, though he pretended to. it was a huge ordeal. of course my parents now accepted me and my child, but it took a very long time for them to feel that way, especially my dad, though he only came to see his grandson once in 9 1/2 years. my son spent more then 1/2 his life in hospitals. seeing him suffer all the time, was beyond devestating. he just had such a fighting spirit. and since the baby had so many handicaps, it was impossible for me to do everything by myself. the state fougt me in court to have him committed,because they considered him to be a vegetable, and $9,000 later, i managed to get them off of my back, win the case, and he lived with me, and on top of that, i had to get a private nurse as he stopped breathing all of the time, and had seizures all of the time as well, it was awful, but he always stayed smiling, it was amazing. i wish i had half of the courage my little guy had! i still owe the state millions, but i dont care, i'll pay it off till the day i die, i just wanted my son to have the best and he did. it was a hard 9 1/2 year battle. i now live many miles away from the towns we once lived in and started a new life. the ex ended up in jail, and after he came out, though he looked, he never found me since, and his parental rights were termintaed. i still sometimes look over my shoulder, but alot less then i used to. it's a long story, and not a pretty one, but in the end, god sent a beautiful man my way, who treats me like gold, and iam so thankful for him. now we want a child of our own, and i know he will make an awesome father. i never thought i'd find someone who'd love me, since my ex had drilled into my head how unlovable iam. guess i finally proved him wrong!! thanks for the listening ear. sometimes, it's good to vent!! take care 4 now ladies!