TTC after pregnancy loss - Thread 34 - huddle up and bring on the BFP's

@ravenwheeler hopefully it is but it also could be hcg still in ur system, Have you any idea when u would be due af? You could get blood work done with docs

I feel kinda down the past few days, gonna start my ovulation tests again this month starting Friday. I have an overwhelming fear about not being able to get pregnant again and if it doesn’t happen this month I honestly don’t know how I’ll cope. Exhausted from trying to stay positive when this has been consuming my mind 3 months now. Angry at how easily some women make it look(obv happy for them n all that) but it’s just so unfair, I should be 36 weeks pregnant and instead I’m wondering if I’ll ever be a mother💔

@Ripple2020 I haven't had AF yet but I'm so confused - have ovulation type pain/temp rise and the spotting abruptly stopped, but still a faint +ve on an HPT. I guess maybe my body is trying to ovulate but it can't because of hcg?

Hi ladies.

I am so sorry to read all your stories. The world is so cruel and I am so sorry for you losses 💔

@Mumlili9 I hope it all goes back to 'normal' soon. My AF came back but as nothing has happened since, I have bought the Clear Blue ovulation tests so will use them this month to see if I am actually ovulating

@MOGMOGMOG85 fingers crossed for that BFP! X

@Mumlili9 Oh I'm sorry, I understand that it's still so upsetting, even if that was what you were aiming for, it's never nice to get a BFN during TTC. I feel very much in a similar boat - there are good things about starting a new cycle, but you don't REALLY care about them when all you want is your baby, do you? And we're all going through rough times, you can't compare your journey to others - it's just as difficult.

@MOGMOGMOG85 wishing you lots of luck for a BFP, it sounds like you deserve a little good news. We all do. xx

@emiliet123 welcome and I'm so sorry for your loss of your little girl

Hello ladies. @Hayleylou89 @Ripple2020 @emiliet123 I'm so sorry this happened to you ladies, I thought I'd had a rough time but nothing compared to the hell you ladies have gone through, it truly heart breaking.

My new : got my negative this morning exactly 2 weeks post surgery. I'm really torn emotionally this was the goal (get a negative) but now I'm there I feel really crap. Now just 2 see if I start ovulation again. I stupidly googled ectopic recovery and some ladies didn't start ovulation for months after. I really hope that's not going to be me.

Anyway baby dust to you all xx

@Hayleylou89 just be kind to yourself if AF does come. You’ve been through a lot and it’s sad and scary but you’re definitely not alone. Sending lots of love your way 💖
Mother’s Day is going to be very strange, because we’re still mums, even if we don’t have our babies 💔 all that love with nowhere for it to go... ☹️

@emiliet123

Yeah i think iv probably missed ovulation if i have ovulated at all, im going the drs to have bloods done just to check everything is out my system i only had bleeding for 2.5 weeks and it wasnt too bad i had to have the placenta manually removed in surgery following birth as i couldnt get it out myself so i was expecting worse bleeding but was surpised it wasnt as bad as i thought... now im in the limbo if when af will show im having all sorts of niggly little twinges but dont know what is happening inside suppose time will tell! Xxx ill keep in touch on here as it would be lovely to hear some good news close to mothers day for us all 🙏 xxx

@Ripple2020 oh that’s so sad ☹️ But I guess you’re right about taking precautions so it doesn’t happen in the future. All I know is that her heart stopped and I had to be induced, it was the most awful week of my life. And although I’d never wish for anybody to go through it, it does help to know that I’m not alone, that others have gone through this and are there to talk to.

@Hayleylou89 I’m so sorry, Bonnie is such a lovely name 💖 3 weeks after the birth, I’d just about stopped bleeding, and we were having a lot of conversations about trying again. My husband wanted to wait until after the first AF but I just wanted to be pregnant and not have one. We compromised and I didn’t look out for any signs of ovulation, and we went on holiday for a week to sort of rediscover ourselves and obviously put the fun back into sex - I found it really hard to think of it as something other than babymaking for a while, but having that time away with him really made the difference. Unfortunately we must have missed the window and although this first period is heartbreaking and awful to go through, I feel a little more in control as I have a starting point now. I’ve also started using the Clue app again to track my cycle, and I’ve shared it with my husband this time, so that he can help take a bit of responsibility - I hated being the one to initiate sex just because I was ovulating, especially if he wasn’t in the mood!
I’m sure the whole experience is different for everybody, but I’ve found that since we went away, my attitude has changed a lot. Just setting a routine and aiming to do SOME exercise every day, whether it’s 20 lengths of the pool, or a walk to Tesco express, is massively helping to stay positive. I’m taking a little break today, still in my PJs whilst I finish my book for book club - but then I will be off to give a gym class a go! It’s rough, and every day has brought something different, but I’m just trying to not give in to the dark thoughts and feelings, and instead look after myself the same way I’d want to look after a friend.

@emiliet123

Hi lovely so sorry to hear you lost maya at 24 weeks i lost my bonnie just over 3 weeks ago at 22.5 weeks absolutely heartbreaking as my waters broke early at 22.2 weeks but she was ok inside but started to struggle without fluid and we lost her at 22.5 weeks ... can i ask how was ur body at this stage (3 weeks after) i feel like iv had all the ovulation sign but been opking and not showed any ovulation so now im just waiting on AF ... what was u feeling in the first few weeks following the birth? Sorry its a tough question x

@emiliet123 I was on the fence about whether or not I wanted an answer too. I suppose I was hoping if it was just bad luck it surely couldn’t happen again. Of course you done nothing wrong❤️ I found out there was a significant bleed behind my placenta, I had no pain or bleeding so had no idea. They’ve given me aspirin to start taking as soon as I get a BFP as this helps the placenta to develop, it’s completely your decision, but if there is something similar it would be worth knowing to make sure you take every precaution for the future. Its so painful and nothing or no1 will replace our babies but I have to believe he’s with me, protecting me always. Unfortunately I’m going into my 4th month without him and have the same feelings, some days I feel I’m getting better and then suddenly I get knocked back again. Simple things like the brighter evenings are reminding me my spring baby won’t be here, those summer evening walks with him in the pram won’t happen. Trying again has given me a focus, like a purpose. I take my folic acid and prep my meals to make sure I’m eating healthy etc but u just have to go through it, there’s no other way around it unfortunately. It’s awful but we’re all in this together so hopefully you can take comfort in knowing ur not alone❤️Xx

@ripple2020 no, and I’m also unsure as to whether I want to know. It won’t bring her back and I KNOW I did everything right, I love her so so much. I know what you mean about living vs surviving, I feel like I’m just surviving and making steps toward living, and then I get knocked back again. ☹️ But it sounds like there’s hope to be had! I’m so sorry you lost your little boy, what was his name? We called our little girl Maya. 💖

@Hayleylou89 I so get how you’re feeling. I feel like if it doesn’t happen this month I’ll have a meltdown but just again have to go back to thinkin it WILL happen it’s just a case of when! Be gentle on yourself, you only just gave birth a little over 3 weeks ago so hopefully it will happen this month for you but if not be easy on yourself. It’s such a hard time, I hope you get yours too xx

@emiliet123 doesn’t seem to be letting me tag you! So so sorry for your little girl, it’s such an awful experience. Did they find any reason for why yet? I lost my little boy in Nov and I’ll be honest my heart still aches for him, sometimes I feel like I could be physically sick I miss him so much but i don’t cry all day anymore. I’m living as opposed to just surviving now. How are you doing physically?

Hiya, hope you don’t mind me joining in.

I lost my baby girl in January at 24 weeks, and this month is the start of my first proper cycle. I’m feeling really scared and overwhelmed - does it get easier as time goes on? Or does it get harder and more stressful? All I really want is my baby back and to be having her in May like I was supposed to...

@Ripple2020

25 days its been so far so not long at all really.

Cant expect my body to go back that quick but i really want it too. Im usually 35-38 day cycles anyway so always quite long cycles.

Fingers crossed ur rainbow happens really soon xxxx

@Hayleylou89 I got my first af after 35 days, next 28 days and this one 31 days. I get ovulation pains now too, and I never ever had them prior to delivering. Keep using them though. Have u thought of checking in with ur doctor just for a post natal check up, u should still have the 6 week free care, I found it good to get my bloods checked etc and have a chat with her. Did they book u in for any scans etc? We started tryin again in Jan but weren’t too serious, then last month I used OPKs, got a peak but obv not pregnant so trying again this month..we got pregnant with our little boy the second month last time, I’m worried tho and I suppose I don’t really have a reason to be, I just feel like my body is gonna fail, hopefully not tho! So how many days ago did you deliver her? X

@MOGMOGMOG85 thanks so much, such kind words:) well hopefully it doesn’t arrive but if it does at least you know everything’s ticking away as it should be..I feel that’s strange, like I’m wishing af doesn’t arrive but at the same time worried if it doesn’t that would mean somethings wrong! I’ve about a week to my fertile window so just gonna relax:) when are you due af? It’s mad how it can mess things up so much isn’t it, are you getting peaks on the OPKs? Yeah I’m wondering what the spotting could be but they said once it’s not mid cycle I’m prob okay but they’re gonna send me an apt for a scan just to be sure!

@avocadoincident u okay? Yeah I’ve found that to be one of the hardest things in all this aswell, just feelin like people pity us, like they’ll cross the street coz they feel uncomfortable - not a nice feeling. Hope ur okay tho, it’s hard x

My other closest friend has just messaged to say she's sorry but she's pregnant. I'm now the person people dread telling they are pregnant

@Ripple2020 thank you - and I'm so sorry for your journey too, what you went through is truly heartbreaking.. Strong words on staying positive, it's so important. If I listened to the advice of others around me I'd be on antidepressants now and not trying for a baby at all because it's too hard, but I know myself what I've been through, that grieving is natural, that negativity is natural too, but that I have to find the strength to keep trying and stay rational. There is nothing to say we won't become mothers and we need to keep telling ourselves, and also that it will take however long it's going to take, there's no rushing these things! Baby dust to you too xxx

Re: spotting, no I have never really got spotting, but I got lots of odd things after mc that weren't there before - my af has been completely different although slowly getting more normal (it was very very light and a very watery colour too). I also got cramping all the time at weird times for the first 4/5 months. My boobs seemed to keep going up and down in size for ages and that never happened before even when premenstrual. I got nosebleeds since the mc and i've never had them before except when pregnant. And my moods are less predictable by what time of the month it is, although hopefully getting better with that too. Just generally loads of stuff that made me really confused about whether I was pregnant each month and then even more gutted when not.

This will be my 6th bleed next week and I'm hoping it will be a lot more normal, I was quite pleased with the last one it was 70% normal which was a relief!

@ripple2020 yes iv started opk doing 3 a day mostly for about a week now but not getting a peak however i started with my cb fertility monitor and thats said high fertility for 5 days now so dont know what to think ... iv had what i think is ovulation type pains this past week but just dont know when ill get a peak on the opks or when af will come ... where are you upto with it and when did ur body seem to get back to normal? X

@ravenwheeler have u had first af yet? I know, it’s so hard when ur body is screaming at you to become pregnant again, looks like we’re all in the same boat here though so you’re in the right place:)

@MOGMOGMOG85 oh my god, we were 1 day apart!! That’s a bit mad! I’m so sorry it took that long..that’s awful. I Feel the exact same way every month, I’ve felt so heartbroken when my af arrives but at the same time I’m relieved that I’m getting it and ovulating ya know and then as soon as it’s gone I just get an incredible motivation to try again. It’s tiring tho. After we lost him, I really didn’t expect such an overwhelming fear that it might not happen for me but I’m making every effort to try to train my mind to be positive. It’s hard to not expect bad things all the time after what we’ve been through tho! I so so hope this is ur month, what symptoms? Have u had spotting in the days prior to AF since your loss can I ask?

@Hayleylou89 My boy was my first too, leaving the hospital without him was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I know what u mean tho, within hours of finding out his heart had stopped I knew I wanted to try again ASAP and not to replace him but just to fulfil the dream of becoming a mother. They sent away my placenta and cord for testing, they found a lot of old and new blood behind my placenta which would have caused his death. I had no pain or bleeding or anything which is scary that I had no idea anything was wrong. They’ve given me a high dose of folic acid that I’ve started to take and prescription aspirin that I’m to take as soon as I get a positive test. It helps the placenta develop apparently. Have you started using OPKs to track ovulation?

1 week before af due and major symptom spotting - someone please kill me now!!!!

@ripple2020

Yeah the first few weeks are horrendous never felt anything like it just constantly crying and to lose my first baby and see her beautiful face was heartbreaking and although she will never be replaced the pain of waking up not pregnant no more is horrendous and its alls we want so we will keep trying, iv never heard of a bleed behind the placenta how did u find out about that? ...theres so many diff thing that can go wrong its insain... i was so relaxed in my pregnancy i never worried but this next time when it happens ill be a nervous wreck. X

@Ripple2020 sorry I haven't been on for a few days but to reply to your question from last week...
Our baby had a post mortem but nothing was found. The consultant seemed to think that was good news as it rules many things out. Still very frustrating but I feel optimistic going forward.

We lost the baby at the end of October and we tried to conceive as soon as I stopped bleeding (about 4 weeks after) we conceived end of December but I miscarried 7 weeks later (3 weeks ago). So extra devastation as I felt so relieved that I would pregnant on the due date of our daughter. But it wasn't to be and now I'm waiting for a few months as I'm overdue a smear so want to do that but have to wait three months after miscarriage.

As I said I feel positive and have had been referred for tests and specialists so fingers crossed.

Good luck to you both conceiving ASAP. Getting pregnant made me feel a million times better in myself after our loss. It was a magic fix. X

@Ripple2020 my due date was April 11th! I'm trying not to tell myself I expect to be pregnant before then because given it took 16 months the first time I think that would be too much pressure. However having said that my period is in a week and I am constantly wondering "am I? am I?" and this happens every time and always with tears for a few days when af arrives or I test negative :'( in retrospect I wish the nurses hadn't said that thing they say about being super fertile the first 3 cycles, it just added pressure on me and made it feel like a REALLY bad sign that it didn't happen, I was really devastated around this time :(

After a year ttc we went to the gp who referred us to fertility. We got as far as blood tests for me (my hormones are perfect), sperm count (all good - I think, I'm no expert! But the doc said all good), and an initial ultrasound which flagged up fibroids and an enlarged right ovary. However no-one could answer any of my questions and I was referred for a specialist ultrasound. Whilst waiting for this I fell pregnant and my appointment got cancelled. I had a load of scans during the miscarriage and everyone said my ovaries were perfect, however fibroids made visibility very difficult (so much so that even with a 6 week old embryo in there they couldn't locate it for 48 hours and thought it was ectopic) and I still didn't get any answers on that. One guy said I had "loads and loads" of fibroids and that they were inside my womb and blocking my cervix etc which was alarming, but then when I had my scan to confirm completion I was told that my lining was smooth, no fibroids were interrupting it. I was told by the registrar that since I fell pregnant once I would likely fall pregnant again but that it might just take longer - this is what people have been telling me all the time. She recommended waiting 6 months before going forward for any fertility testing. She also said if I have a second miscarriage they would recommend testing and not make me wait for 3 which is good (I suppose, although a heartbreaking prospect nonetheless). So I've waited 6 months (this is my 6th cycle now due to end in a week), and I have an appointment this month with GP where I will ask to be referred to fertility. I also have an appointment this week where I will get a specialist opinion on my fibroids (I now know that I have 2 5cm ones within the wall of my womb but not interrupting the lining - one either side. Also a 5.5cm one outside the womb, and potentially 2 very small ones). So it's felt like a hell of a lot of waiting. Before I was pregnant I was coping quite well with the waiting, but in these 6 months since the mc i've been miserable and had a really bad feeling about my chances of successful pregnancy. I'm turning 35 this year which is on my mind... anyway sorry for the long answer to your question but yes I am very very very slowly finding out more but there doesn't seem to be an adequate answer why things are taking so long - except that fibroids do slow down conception but don't stop it altogether..

@Ripple2020 and @Mumlili9 thanks for replying. Im hoping ive managed to catch the window this month but not feeling confident. Will see if the bf is up for a quickie in the morning lol xx