TTC after pregnancy loss - Thread 34 - huddle up and bring on the BFP's

*hasn't

@BunnytheBee yeah they know but still make him work 3 x 15 hour, 2 x 13 hour shifts and nights out every week and the government has just decided to extend lorry drivers hours to meet panicky buying needs. So he could be working up to 17 hours in 24 hours. They said if he refuses to work then they will have to look at his salary. He can't get a sick note because he has got the illness. It's catch 22.

@Mumlili9 That sounds scary too. I take ithis work aware of his condition.
Can he keep a distance from people doing his job? I hope you both stay safe.

@MOGMOGMOG85 I don't mind hun. We're all stressed out. My DH is a lorry driver but also has a lung condition that requires 3 different medications to keep his lungs open and a cpap at night so he doesn't suffocate. We are totally torn as to what to do. His work said he has to go in and we can't afford bills if we don't work. I've been out of work for 4 weeks and I go back Friday so really nervous about it.
DH even said the words " well we better crack on getting you knocked up after your AF incase I get it a die" it made me cry so much and even a bit angry.

@MOGMOGMOG85 The uncertainty is so tough but a lot of that sounds familiar. DH and I are lawyers. I’m working from home now and find it harder to be at home than at work too. DH has been told he still has to go in though and that seems worse as I at least have the choice to go in. My mum is in a high risk group and is still working on not a great situation but like everyone she is worried about her job and we are worried about her. We’re worried about both our parents. DH and I have been arguing today but better this evening. I think everyone is just so stressed! He doesn’t deal with stress well anyway and us both being in the house together might be tough too as we bicker and get annoyed with one another quite easily. Today I noticed - sorry if TMI - fertile CM today - so thought that’s not great timing either. I think egg freezing might have to go on hold but if I remember I might at least call the clinic tomorrow as I haven’t even got to that stage yet and don’t even really know what it involves

I hope everyone is ok. These are worrying times but I hope you are all keeping safe 💕

@Mumlili9 sorry to tag you in that massive negative rant - you're probably not wanting to take all that and wondering what is going on haha!

Omg I even tagged the wrong person in the above post - meant to be writing to @BunnytheBee about the egg freezing, not @Mumlili9 who I also hope you are doing ok with everything at the moment? xx

@Mumlili9 this coronavirus thing just feels like the cherry on top for me. i work in a school and not sure whether i will be getting paid after friday, or if i will have to leave my plants to die (i'm a gardener and have been growing a lot from seed) and beds to get over-run with weeds after all the work i've done this year to develop the garden. my boyfriend is working from home and he is so overworked and stressed, he hates being at home as he gets a million emails a day from people who would usually just pop their head over and ask a question, he misses his set-up at work and all his paperwork which makes it 10x harder for him to do his job. i got home today and he was in such a bad mood, but guess what i'm about to ovulate. we already put it off yesterday because of his stress and bad mood. he works in law and tbh his job makes him almost 100% stress and in a bad mood. all partners of lawyers acknowledge the huge burden of stress that the partner takes but it doesn't make it any easier on days like today. my neighbour just announced she is pregnant, and i told my partner how it made me feel and his response: "people get pregnant, the worlds not going to stop just for you". my mum lives up north and has underlying health conditions which give her a 1 in 9 mortality rate if she catches this virus. she is a social worker and trying to work from home for her is a total nightmare and this virus is already causing total chaos for her vulnerable clients. i can't help her out with her food shopping etc which upsets me. i have a gp appointment next week for a fertility referral but no clue if that will happen. this is the second time i got referred to fertility because we caught before i got through to them last time, so i still don't know why it is taking me so long. it seems to be a recurring pattern now where every month my boyfriend is sour as hell when i'm ovulating and we argue and don't want to have sex, and i end up crying. to be fair last month we were staying in a pregnant friends house when i was ovulating which was a nightmare. tonight we are sleeping in separate beds for the third time in our relationship - we've been together 8 years. i've pretty much never seen him in such a bad mood, to be honest i even felt a little scared of him tonight. he is so level headed usually but i think the combination of stresses is too much for him today (the changes at work, the coronavirus generally as there is so much to worry about there, he is supposed to be having a really important job interview in a couple of weeks and its now looking that it will be cancelled altogether, and me ovulating puts pressure on too). i think both of us are feeling scared at the prospect of being locked together for weeks or months... i think we've both been using work to deal with the shitness of infertility... honestly today after about 3 weeks of being in a really good mood, i'm feeling like... i just want to give up (on becoming a mother). I don't know if i can deal with this constant cycle of pain... i know its just a bad day today but... god everything feels so overwhelming at the moment.

wow, i think i ranted there. so much going on. i guess others must be in the same boat too? relatives to worry about, jobs to worry about, money, and then fucking ovulating at the same time, or waiting for period to arrive - no matter where we are in our cycle we don't really get a break from thinking about it.

i think i originally wanted to reply about your egg freezing and that I feel your pain but all that came out. You're obviously not the only one feeling negative anyway xxxx

Thanks for asking after me @VenusStarr The truth is I’m struggling a bit. I feel a bit depressed. I know working from home won’t help but I can at least try to get out and run and that might help my mood. I’m anxious about coronavirus, like everyone.My DH also doesn’t respond well when I feel down. He doesn’t know how to act so he distanced himself and then I feel more alone and crap.

How are you doing?

Hope you’re ok @Mumlili9

@MOGMOGMOG85 I hope you’re ok. It has been about 7 months that we’ve been trying since MC in August so I can understand your frustration to some degree. I can feel like it won’t happen but I suppose (hope) it will happen for us all at different times.

Hi @clitterratti I’m so sorry for your loss. Ezra is a lovely name. I lost my daughter at 40 weeks last year and then had a MC in August and been TTC since so feeling a little hopeless. I can understand feeling isolated but I hope you find some support here.

I also want to freeze my eggs but feel like the world will come to a stop now for a few weeks so will probably have to put off even making enquiries about that.

I hope everyone is ok and sorry if I sound negative.

Her name was Lilwen (it's Welsh) and we lost her at the end of October. Our due date was last week and it's been tough to say the least but I've been glad on mumsnet for all the support.

Were you taken good care of through your ordeal?

@84TinsOfBeans

I need the warmth. It's a shitstorm out there. I can't even grieve peacefully. What a mess all this is.

I'm sorry for your loss. What was her name? How long has it been?

@clitterratti hello sorry that you find yourself here but it is a lovely warm thread.
I understand you as we buried our daughter who we lost at 20 weeks. I will never be the same again. The counsellor says that's ok.

Ezra is a beautiful name.

Yes, my little boy does have a name. He was name is Ezra Linden. Linden is his middle name. I was so happy to be pregnant with him. I felt so complete with him in my future. Our cultural traditions stipulate a burial of the baby is over a certain gestation, so we had to go through that ordeal and it was a whole other traumatic experience. I never want to go through this again.

I am so sorry to hear about your losses @Mumlili9. I believe in your rainbow filled future. The pain is unreal; but there will be joy.

@clitterratti hello welcome and so sorry for your loss. I hope you feel this is a safe place to heal, rant, vent, ask advice or offer advice, gain support and support others. There's no set rules here but we all agree to respect each others differences and kindness is always the key to this amazing bunch of super women. We all have different stories and losses and no loss is a small thing. Some of us have been here for ever and have had multiple losses and some come and stay for just a couple of months and move on to the sister thread when they get their BFP's. Please feel free to share as much or as little as you like (even the Tmi stuff). You will see pictures of tests which can be triggering for some ladies but this is what the group it for the really good and the really bad and all the lonely quiet times in between. Loss of a child / pregnancy is an experience like no other, it's lonely, heartbreaking and just so unfair but together we can get through it and with all the luck in the world, we will go on to have our rainbow babies be that naturally, ivf, iui, adoption, surrogacy (and many others I can't remember).
Give yourself time hun, I understand that need in waiting for my surgery wounds to heal and get first AF also and that waiting time can be awful. Please remember that your body and mind have to be really ready to handle another pregnancy. I can't imagine how you feel right now I've never gotten that far with any of my pregnancies. Does your little boy have a name?

Hi everyone, can I join in? I feel like I may find some solace with you. I hope to be able to comfort and support you all through this journey too.

I lost my pregnancy and baby boy a month ago. I was 24 weeks pregnant and had to have a c-section. I'm quite distraught and need a virtual Mumsnet home. I've posted in pregnancy loss but I'm not getting anywhere.

I desperately want to ttc again. But my postpartum bleeding hasn't stopped yet and I am freaking out. Just on so many levels.

I am an advanced age (36) and this was my 3rd pregnancy. I have two children--they are the joy of my life. I just want a third child desperately.

This corona situation isn't helping and I just feel isolated. I also feel like I cannot discuss this with anyone. I have a counsellor but she is hard of hearing and makes me repeat everything I say several times. The interventions I have set up for myself to come through this are failing and my desire to conceive is beyond any desire I have ever felt in my life.

@VenusStarr thank hun. I'm healing slowly. I called hospital this morning but they are fobbing me off so I'm giving them until Wednesday to update me or I go to pals. How are you getting on?

I'm not too bad thank you @VenusStarr - had a good nights sleep which has helped immeasurably. We are also going away this week and really looking forward to it now, think we can both do with the break. Hope that you enjoy yours and it provides a reset! Even though you are flipping from ok to not ok - that's still a vast improvement from not having any ok days at all! Just got to keep riding it through.

@Ripple2020 🤞 you do sound relaxed about things and fingers crossed that you're in with a shot :) I've just ovulated - I still feel very crampy but I'm 3dpo now but wondering if it's linked to the biopsy.

@Mumlili9 I'm so sorry the hospital didn't call you back, that's awful. It's an additional stress to an already terrible situation. I'm sorry your boss is horrible so understand why you haven't told her what's happening ❤️ I hope you do feel healed when you need to return to work.

Sorry your oh is finding things tough @Whiffle77 my dh has struggled with seeing me so upset. How are you getting on?

@MOGMOGMOG85 thanks for asking, I'm still waiting for the first set of biopsy results, hoping not too long now. I've booked in for the second for a week on Monday but I'll be 12dpo, which is slightly later than they like. Plus I can't go if I'm spotting, so playing it by ear.
We are still going away - no news from our airline that we can't. I've been awake since 5, feeling a bit anxious. I'm not worried about the virus but everything just feels a bit surreal. I'm more scared about being stranded abroad and missing my cats.
I think my egg count is OK, not brilliant, but we have got pregnant 3 times, but I do wonder about egg quality. We're on the ivf pathway, but aren't moving forward with that until we've had the test results.
Glad you're feeling positive about the fibroids. When I had the scan before the biopsy she showed me one of mine, it's quite big but at the top, outside my uterus, so far enough away not to be an issue.
I'm flipping between feeling OK and hopeful and going back to a dark place. I'm hoping this break away will help reset me. We had a week away last summer and it really did help my mindset. Plus its a year tomorrow that I had my first scan and got bad news, so to be somewhere far away is going to be lovely. Although we are not where we thought we might be a year later, I'm definitely not as stuck as I was.

Sending lots of love ❤️ xxx

@MOGMOGMOG85 thank you for you kind words. It's good about your fibroids. You never know your holiday pms might not happen. Lots of people fall pregnant while waiting for treatments.

The hospital didn't call back so I will have to chase this up Monday morning now, it's really making me very sad tbh.

That wasnt rambling @mogmogmog85 I found your words about grief really comforting, and they weren't even to me!
Cant believe what has happened to your baby @Mumlili9 that is so awful. I hope you get some answers or closure, that's not right.
My OH has found it really hard this week, and it's been hard for me seeing him like that as hes such a happy guy. So I guess we have to remember it's really hard for them to see us so broken! And they have their own loss to deal with. I think there is probably a lot that goes unspoken because it's too hard to put the words out there

@VenusStarr forgot to ask - what's the next step for you? excuse my ignorance but i'm not entirely sure what amh is (i googled and it said something about egg count?). Any word on your NK test yet? xx

@MissSparkles81 congratulations lovely, fingers crossed for you but that's really positive news

@VenusStarr I'm sorry you're feeling low about your results. I'm just about to get referred to fertility myself (well I say just about the GP app isn't even until 2 weeks so I realise I'll have a wait on my hands!) and naively I didn't know you could have healthy ovaries and be ovulating but your egg count still low or your eggs not ok - just seems like there's a never-ending amount to worry about for us.. sorry about your holiday - it does just seem like the icing on the cake atm this coronavirus stuff! We ditched a holiday abroad and decided on a UK hol up north instead, we're going in 2 weeks and can't wait to spend some quality time with my OH, even if I just realised I'll be hugely pre-menstrual at that time which is a bit of a bummer, but then this last month was plain sailing in that regard which was a nice surprise. The pros and cons of being so in touch with your body - knowing you might be in a right mood in 2 weeks time!!!

@Mumlili9 these might sound like empty words but please please be kind to yourself. You've been through so much, so recently, it's no wonder you're so angry and at sea. I've actually had a couple of really good weeks emotionally, but its taken me six whole months after my loss to get there. Grieving takes time, and for you it just seems like you've been hit again and again with new things to grieve for. Plus your wound, I know how frustrating it can be waiting to heal. I had a mole removed once, but it was a deep incision over my spine and because I couldn't keep the area completely still it got infected and opened up and it took me 5 whole months to heal. I went mad and started to think I'd literally never heal, but of course I did. What you need it lots of time, physically and emotionally - it's hard to swallow but sadly for us going through these traumas it can't happen quickly to bounce back to being ok with the world :'( with your oh I'm so sorry there's distance between you two. For me that just added to the tragedy of what I was feeling - the fact that my relationship suffered too and I just couldn't stop myself being a nightmare girlfriend - I was just too depressed. I don't know your situation but keep communicating and just try to accept that this is a really **ing hard nightmare of a situation for both of you - you don't deserve to have gone through all this and nothing anyone says can make it right but we're all here and going through similar sort of stuff so your'e not alone xxx i don't even have words for the hospital losing your baby, that must be just so hard to get your head around. It sounds like you're feeling like you're cursed or something atm, I know that feeling and just wanted to say that it won't always be like this for you, although that probably doesn't help at this very painful time xxxxx

I don't remember if I updated you guys but the gyno said my intramural fibroids would have no impact on fertility, and so everyone around tells me that's really positive news, which I know it is. But I still can't help wondering why the is it taking so long? I'm into month 7 now post mc and yeah it was 16 months to fall the first time. Will keep trying, trying my damn best to stay positive, trying to sort of zone out from all this for a while as I've just been consumed by thinking about babies day in day out. If I can continue to avoid pregnant friends for a while and do some nice things with my OH that's my plan atm. And waiting for that fertility referral of course which I'm terrified of but also guess I do need answers. I turn 35 in a few months so just trying to relax as much as I can reasonably do before then and then keep in my mind that I can always freeze some embryos - if I get to that this year then it would take some of the pressure off.

Bit of a ramble post and I'm sorry - I've been in a better place though this last week or 2 which is surprising and I've realised how much I've needed some calm. I hope things get a bit better for everyone else too soon xxxxx

@Ripple2020 my op was 18th Feb, the nurse said I should be healed by now but my incisions don't seem to be healing well. I'm so worried about the one on my bikini line because it's right on top of my bladder, womb and one remaining tube. As for sanity ha what is sanity I lost that a couple of years ago. I must be totally insane because I keep putting myself through this. You would think 9 pregnancies and 9 losses would tell me that it's never going to end well but I keep doing it to myself.

@VenusStarr I’m not too bad thanks. 3rd month TTC but I feel good about it coz for some reason I don’t feel immense pressure, I peaked yesterday and we only did the deed the night before and last night so I’ve booked a weekend away now and hoping we have it covered then🤞🏼it’s our last chance to conceive before our little boys due date but what will be will be🤞🏼How are you doing? You just recently got your af?
@Mumlili9 I can only imagine what you’re going through, I suppose I lost my son and have the pain from that but recurring loss is a different beast. I know you must feel like you’ve exhausted every method of how to keep yourself sane but you have come through it before and you will again, you are extremely strong. That sounds very painful, how many weeks ago was it now? Did the doctor give you any idea on how long roughly to heal? Take it easy if you have to go back to work in a week, I don’t know ur situation but maybe if you could cut back on hours or something, I remember dreading going back but actually it was a good distraction.

@MissSparkles81 fantastic news hun. Fx for a sticky bean and a healthy pregnancy x

Ladies thanks for your kind words. As to my incision they glued it and I have to apply an anti fungal cream 2 x a day. I just feel like a medical anomaly. What ever the lowest odds are for something to go wrong you can guarantee it will be me that it happens to. I'm very angry at everything right now. I've got one more week off then it's back to work and pretending all is well. I never told my boss (she hates kids), I just told her I had a mass that had to come out asap, I couldn't handle the behaviour I get from her. It is enough of an inconvenience to her thinking I had surgery and time off I don't need jibes about my babies too.