ttc after mc July/August 2007 - shiny new thread as the other was full

Hi ladies

Tjiuce- I'm afraid I don't know a website giving the basics of ttc- hopefully someone here will! I didn't know anything before MN- I picked up lots of tips on the conception boards and I also read Zita West's book which I found really helpful and very positive- lots of diet and lifestyle tips which made me feel like I was doing something proactive about ttc. To answer your question, cd 1 is the 1st day of AF (period) ie the 1st day you get red bleeding (spotting isnt counted).

Hi Ellie! you are certainly not a smug pg! Anyone who has graduated from this board is automatically exempt from that. Are you still coming to London in October- we shall have to meet for cake!

Hi Gilly- I had to laugh at your description of me as 'amazonic'!! That word makes me think of Rachel Hunter. I think I am nore drag queen than supermodel! Did you join the gym this weekend- very impressive if you did.

Rachel- very impressed by making a cake- I am so undomesticated I wouldnt know where to start. I think making hair appointments etc is a great idea. I put my credit card under serious strain after my mc. I went on a shopping spree for new clothes, had my hair cut, a facial and a massage. It felt good to have little things to look forward to. I also found swimming very relaxing (being unfit has its advantages- I couldnt dwell on our loss as I was too busy trying to breathe)

herby- sorry we missed you on friday. How did the wedding go? I've upped the stakes this month and feel like I'm rattling with everything I've taken- pregnacare, Evening primrose oil, Vits C E and B6 and chinese herbs. I think the herbs have had some effect as I bloated up like a balloon on CD3 and I have stayed like that ever since. Not sure this is really the desired effect so am seeing the herbalist again on weds night, tube strike permitting.

Sweetkitty- hello! sorry you are having such a tough time. It's good that you did have a chat with DP about how you are feeling. I really hope things improve for you.

Hey sweetkitty, hope things turn around for you soon. When was your MC? I think other things get more on top of you when you are getting over MC, it was the same for me even though like you a lot of the time I didn't think it was the MC that was upsetting me, it was work mostly.

I also started feeling antipathy toward DH because I was just so down, even though I think we have a fab marriage and he is perfect for me, I just felt angry because I wanted a baby and wasn't having one, I kind of blamed him (even though it was my bloody lack of OV that was causing us to not get PG)

I am on CD8 here, on Clomid, temping, checking CM - I am determined to nail it this month!!!

Sorry I didn't get around to posting went to the marathon with DP and the DDs, SIL and niece, was very stressful chasing DD1 about who decided to be totally naughty. Then they all came back to mine and by the time I had dinner/baths/ironing/shower there was no time for mumsnet.

Thansk for the good advice, in answer to your questions:

I go to a toddlers group twice a week and at least once a week I meet with friends met through toddlers.
DD1 goes to nursery 5 mornings a week but by the time I've dropped her off, go to toddlers or shopping it's time to pick her up again.
Family live about an hours drive away the most involved they want to get in the DDs loves is they come to visit about once every 6 weeks, sit on the sofa watch the DDs play get lunch and tea made for them then leave. I have asked them to babysit a while ago but got so many excuses I decided not to bother again. This is both my Mum and DP's mum. Even when we live in the same town for 3 months and I was pregnant with DD2 and had DD1 running around I never got one offer of help even to take her for a walk for half an hour so it's never going to happen now. Hopefully when the DDs get a bit older we will get a good babysitter we can trust and get a bit of time to ourselves.

A friend brought round her 6 week old DS this morning oh he is lovely I was a bit anxious as to how I would feel holding him etc but it was fine but I want one now! This friend has lost DC in the past at term so I am doubly pleased for her.

I have also been doing a lot of talking with DP and I think he has got the message about how miserable I am feeling and how bad his actions make me feel. He gets really frustrated as well as some of the things that get me down get him down and right now we can't see a way out.

So that's me feel it's a bit of a self indulgent post so glad fest went well but am too will catch up proper soon x

Hi girls.

Sorry I didn't make the cake fest. I had to race around buying something to wear for a wedding on Saturday (went for corny old stalwart, the pashmina, in the end) and in any case felt really vile, and totally not wanting to eat anything sweet. Naturally, I assumed this was a pregnancy symptom. And, naturally, it wasn't as AF arrived the next morning, just in time for the wedding. Great.

I am now going to throw everything at the problem - agnus castus, EP oil, chinese herbs, the works.

TJuice - I made a cake as well yesterday! Marmalade cake and I am soooo looking forward to starting it.

Was at church yesterday and there were five baptisms so loads of babies and pregnant women. Luckily DS was having one of his active mornings so I spent most of the time chasing round after him but I still found time to look at all the bumps and think "it's not fair, that should be me". But I can definitely tell that I'm feeling more positive on the whole, despite the dark moments. I've arranged a dental appt and a hair appt as well, to try to make myself feel better about myself IYKWIM, rather than wallowing in self pity which hasn't been doing me any good - as opposed to grieving which is necessary as Pip says.

Love to everyone, hope we all have a good week!

Sooooo jealous about cakefest. Am eating some banana cake as we speak to make self feel better.
Love to you all ladies - ignore the smug PG people (apart from me I promise I am not smug as I prefice all conversations about beanie with 'of course it will probably go wrong and fall out and I will be horribly sad again but....') and the people who tell you 'It wasn't meant to be' or, my personal favourite, 'Well it probably was a good thing because it would have had loads wrong with it'. It's at that point I tell them to SHUT UP cos they do not know what they are talking about. TBH for a long time the only people I paid any attention to were you lot on MN as you were the only ones who knew how I was feeling. Tjuice - keep posting, this place was a lifeline for me after my MC and really helped keep me sane (ish).
Love to you all xxx

all that cakefest talk made me go and bake and banana and choc chip cake just now . . . just finished a massive slice with a glass of milk . . .

i did a weird thing today - went and did a pg test and i really don't know why. i mean, i don't know much about the whole fertility thing (yet) but i knew there was no way i could be p/g. and yet i really wanted to see that single line for myself. maybe it was a closure thing, &*%! knows! but i didn't even feel that wistful when i threw it away, just looking forward . . .

anyway, its great coming onto this thread, there is hope and also just a good feeling when people feel the same as you. i can't believe that its only two weeks since my m/c - i think i have run through a gamut of emotions in a good way, largely thanks to the outlet/sanctuary of m/n. there is a huge gap in my life right now but i read so many good stories here and also so much positivity as well as reality.

i think i need to know the basics of TTC - can anyone recommend a site that explains all the CD1 etc?

Hi everyone - i went out for a yummy sunday lunch and walk on the beach with some friends while DH played golf. Then DH and i have just been to see Breach at the cinema - it was quite good but not the Bourne Ultimatum! Enjoy your Sunday evenings x

Hi all,

ronshar- the cake fest was great and you won't be surprised to hear that alittlebit and gilly are good fun. Such a shame you couldn't make it- I hope DD is on the mend. We will have to have another one- any excuse to stuff my face! Well done for getting through the wedding- they seem to be a haven for the pg and those with new babies. I went to one last weekend, told myself i wouldnt drink to avoid getting emotional. That resolve lasted all of 15 mins, got drunk and the tears started flowing. I couldn't stop and I couldnt really explain why I was so teary. Not helped by the brides dad saying to me 'oh you've had a baby since we last met'! I managed to finish the chat with him and get back to my room before I had a little cry which is a massive improvement- I think a couple of months ago I would have collapsed in front of everyone.

pip- I completely agree about avoidance! Really sorry your DB was so insensitive. I am constantly stunned how some people can't see how we are grieving as though we should have just shrugged it off a week later and carry on as before. It does make me cross. Good luck with the tests tomorrow.

Also sending big hugs to those who have recently had a mc. It is only in the last month or so that I have started to feel more normal and am being sociable again. The past few months I have got great comfort from curling up on the sofa most nights watching DvDs with DH and avoiding the world outside. I am also beginning to enjoy things whereas I went through a really dark phase where I thought nothing mattered without a baby. I still have wobbly days but can recognise them as that rather than panicking I will never be happy again. I just wanted to give you some hope.

Kensgirl- you put this so much better than me!! Hope you're ok hon- is DH away now?

lol. no not monkeys uncle! lol.
ahy talk tomorrow - ahev to still be nice to DH to get more bd'ing in - it's exhausting! lol.

Brilliant. I say monkeys arse and people look at me funny. Do you say monkeys uncle as well?

Yes it is all a case of smile and be happy even if you want to scream at these oh so sensitive souls who push your feelings aside.
I am going to go and retire to the sofa. My DH is feeling neglected. I keep forgetting this is a TTC after MC not just a moanathon. Should spend some time being nice to him.
Speak tomorrow.

LMAO! i'll share my choccy biccys? - i'm ment to be on a diet but sshhhhhh DH won't know he's not here! lol.

I know what you mean i's not ment to be along with 'well at least it happened now instead of down the line' are all I keep hearing and I want to screm I couldn't give a mokeys arse it still happened it's still real. it's still my baby. DS's sibling etc. but I guess I need to move forward.

Sorry Lissielou I didnt mean to ignore you yesterday. I keep posting and running at the moment, makes it hard to continue a conversation! My wedding was in Worthing, West Sussex.
It was ok, drank too much usual wedding behaviour. How was yours?

I still want to know about the cake. How can I live thorugh you girls if you dont share??
Pipsqueek, you are completely right. People are really harsh if you lose a term baby it is more acceptable to be upset apparently. All I get told is that it wasnt a real baby yet and the best one is "it wasnt meant to be". I may be moved to violence if I hear that one again.
I am much more positive than I was 2 months ago so thats good!

same here ronshar - avoidance is the key and when DB said to me the other day 'do you not like x - (his new GF) was like yeah she's ok why and he said cos you weren't talking to her so I say well everything wiht the baby is still really raw (on the advice of my dr who says I should tell people to help with the grieving what's wrong instead of bottling thigns up) and he replied 'yeah' as if to say 'yeah and'

evenine girls, how are you all doing today? DH has gone away for 4 days so I can relax and MN! YAY!

lcy - did you manage to get out and about today?

kg - how long has it been since your m/c if you don't mind me asking?

scully - sorry to hear of your recent m/c. I think the up and down varys tbh. I like lcy am going form yes to no to yes and back again - it's definatly a yes thou from us I think. it's a personal choice which you and DH/P need to come to together.

kitty- lcy speaks a lot of sence there girl keep talking to your DH honestly. he needs to know how you are feeling. totally agree with the needing time thing - is there anyone you couls ask? how do you get on with your family? will your parents or dp's take the LO's out for the afternoon - (tell them you need a break) and you're at breaking point. how old are your DD's again? -(I can't remember). have you thought about a childminding course - or working in a nursery/crech? if your eldest can get free placements that would just be the one child - in our area sure start offer a free course in both CM'ing and nursery work. - and what's more is they pay for the crech services whilst you're doing the course. perhaps something like that might help with your confidence a little?

with driving - I understand wher'e you're coming from - perhaps you could arrange a reg afternoon with the grandparents - alternative w/e's or something so you and DP can have time alone and perhaps he would drive in the car with you to get your confidence a bit on strange roads (might even find a little lane - weyhey! ) you really must tlak it out wiht DP as well. he can probably tell you're not happy. and as for DC3 - only you guys can make that choice - but if you do want a no 3 don't let your family's reaction to your m/c and announcement of a no 3 put you off having one iycwim. I really think you guys need to talk. do you have any close friends nearby who would do a pamper day with you - even if it's only a bottle of wine a face pack and a hair colour? leave DC's with DP and get out for the day.

ron - sorry you're feeling down as well - you're not just a mum - you're the director of human resorces and child development within your household, you manage daily tasks and also manage social outings and mettings in confied spaces. re the pg ladies thing - she prob didn't know what to say tbh. and as for th esmoking lady - well yes. I know where you're coming form there, one of my friends (due 2 weeks after I was and blabbed my news) is still smoking/drinking etc - gets to me sometimes) it's jsut not fiar - but then the experiences we go thru make us who we are and will make us stronger - feel free to come and tell us thou as i'm sure everyone here has had a similar exp.

wmmc - hope you're feeling better today sorry you've been feeling down as well.

glad every one enjoyed the cakes. - I forgot but did eat a box of oreos

aso found out another friend is pg on thurs - felt absolutly awful as well, as she told me (they need a lot of help with their first) anyhow she said 'sorry' straight after telling me she was pg - - yes it's a bit hard for me but it's her happy news iycwim. so felt rather down and about that. still onwards as they say. blood tests tomorrow so we'll see how we go after that - I think the dr's got me down to have every test going so hopefully it will throw something up.

Scully, I was exactly the same as you back in March. I went for 12 week scan and there was no baby just a mass so no real idea of how long before the little bean had gone. Having an ERPC is one of the most soul destroying things I have ever had to do. The staff are great but you could be having an ingrowing toenail removal for them it is no different.
Swwetkitty, Lcy, WMMC and any one else who is new to this nightmare let us all help each other through.
I found it difficult that friends and family really didnt know what to do or say. general avoidance is the game round here!!
Mumsnet was a lifeline that I clung onto and still cling to most weeks. Even after 6 months.
What I am trying to say is that it takes a long time to understand how you feel and to process all the emotions that run rampant through you every day.
Use this thread as we have all done to try to make sense of it all and to ask the silly questions that you are afraid to ask real life people.
Sorry going on a bit my hangover has gone but replaced by a bone tiredness that is dragging me to bed.

Morning Kensgirl - crossed posts

Hi Scully - sorry to hear about your miscarriage - at 12 weeks it is so hard because you think you are in the all clear! I had a mc around the same time as you (but was 10 weeks). DH got some action last night for the first time - but just going to enjoy it for a bit rather than TTC. I flit between desp wanting to try again to not being so bothered - i know there are a few others on the thread feeling the same. I think this is mostly about worrying i will mc again though. However i really want a baby (i dont have any DC yet) so as DH put it - there is only one way to do it!

OK - by the length of my posts today it is obvious that i need to get out of the house and find some RL friends to talk to . Catch up with you all later xx

Good morning all..
Sorry to see that see many are feeling in the depths of despair,struggling to come to terms with the hell that is miscarriage.

I think I might be a bit further on since my mc than many of you, and just wanted to let you know that slowly, it does get better. It doesn't go away, but i have learned to cope, and see the positives in my life again. The raw neeed for a baby is always there, but the pain and grief is starting to fade.

i think one of the good things about this thread is that we are all able to say exaxctly what we feel in a safe, and non-judgemental place. There is always someone who knows exactly what we have been through, or are still going through, but because we are all at different stages in the process of life/ttc after miscarriage, sometimes can maybe offer a ray of light as well as a supportive shoulder.

What I'm trying to say, in a waffly way, is just hang in there and give yourself time and space. Its different for everyone. I wanted to try again immediately, and did so, but if you need some time to heal before making that decision then do what is right for you.

Love to you all today.

WMMC - sorry, I do keep getting your initials wrong . Hope you are OK today.

Ellie - hope you got that good nights sleep!

Sweetkitty - good advice there from WMMC. Maybe it is the mc that has thrown everything in to sharp focus, or just made you very aware of the things you are not completely happy with. It certainly made me more aware of what I wanted out of my life, I hope you find yourself in a better place soon. x We are all there for you.

kg

I haven't managed to read the whole thread yet, didn't get past Lcy's advice about drinking lots of wine
Would have to say that has helped me since miscarrying at 12wks, on 16/17 Aug. Would have been dc3 and we had thought we were in the all clear, having reached that point, so came as a huge shock. I had a erpc and physical recovery has been fine, emotional recovery is up and down, although last week felt ok and better than previous 2 weeks. Doesn't help that almost everyone else I know is pregnant.......
Tbh, still deciding when and if we are ttc again, not in the hurry I thought I might have been, had I imagined this situation. Anyone else feel like this?

RONSHAR - i totally understand the contagious feeling. To be honest i even felt like that when i posted on my antenatal thread after mc - ITS NOT CATCHING!!!

Hello all - sorry everyone is feeling a bit gloomy.

SweetKitty - i am so sorry you are feeling low and hope you have woken up feeling a little happier. You have had a rough time with the trauma of the mc and then other events such as with people forgetting your birthday and the lack of support from family and friends, and no help with your children (even when you were mc you were still caring for them - what a fabulous mum you are!). I think when you have a traumatic event such as a mc it can make you feel just generally sad and low about your whole life (e.g. career etc..). Hopefully these feelings will lift on their own - perhaps with continued talking to DH and working out a way you can get some time away with him.

If things do not improve it may be worth seeing a counsellor - but hunt around some are better than others. They should also offer evening sessions so you can leave the DC's with DH - the whole point of therapy is to have some time focusing on you (difficult with a toddler running around).

When you are feeling a bit better perhaps building up your confidence in driving with the children could be a goal for you. Perhaps with driving a certain distance being the goal but working up to it slowly with smaller distances. I have been there with the driving thing - and know that once you have conquered it the world is your oyster - but the more you worrry and avoid it the less you want to do it. It is also amazing how making one little change in your life can effect everything else in a positive way.

Anyway - what a long post - but i am thinking of you

Lcy xx

Oh why do I drink so much?
I didnt cry all day and I was very brave when one of the pregnant ladies kept asking questions, until I told her about the MC she soon buggered off then. Didnt talk to me much after that. I can only assume she thinks it is contagious. I also upset the other pregnant lady because she was smoking, she has given up but I got really mad and had to walk away!!!!
I have aslo become a sahm this year and it takes away your whole feelings of self-worth. I was in a respected profession before and now I am a 'mum', just not the same. It is very hard to get used to that.
Nursery places are free in the term the child is 3. So between September & December, Jan - April etc. follows the school terms. HTH
Hello Ellie how you keeping are you smiling yet.
Hello to everyone else on this very hazy sunday morning.
Off to the beach cafe for a hangover breakfast now.