ttc after mc July/August 2007 - shiny new thread as the other was full

Oh girls, everything you're saying rings so true. After the shock and grief of miscarriages, we're never the same. But not neccessarily worse. I'm more compassionate than before, and more in touch with what's real and important, and with making the most of what I do have. We've only got one life, and shouldn't live it in regret.

I've done a 'kensgirl' and put my sadness in a box in my mind, which I go to, rootle around in now and again, then put back on a shelf. Just of late - with the arrival of AF - the box seems to have fallen on the floor and spread its contents everywhere, but I'm gradually tidying it up! Not helped by seeing pregnant women everywhere, and my SIL having a baby yesterday (for a while, we were pregnant together).

Jules - I'm so sorry you're so down. It's foul, but it's like a storm you have to ride out. Calm days will come again. And thank you so much for your thoughts. I am indeed looking into adoption, though it's a bureaucratic nightmare - something I'm not looking forward to, after the uphill battle I've had with the NHS.

And Torres - congratulations. Maybe it was the magic cake!

You are so right TJuice, it does make you realise what is important in your life. My first m/c gave me the strength to shake up my life, leave an already unhappy relationship and go for what I wanted in life instead of what others thought was best for me. It made me realise that there can be life in one second which can be gone in the next - it is short and fragile so you need to do what makes you happy in it.
Hi Kensgirl, hope you are okay. Thinking of you with the anniversary of losing your Dad . It was the first anniversary of my Mum's death in June and I still can't believe she's gone. I have heard it gets easier but I still sometimes catch myself thinking 'Oh, I'll phone Mum and tell her that...' Hugs to you hun and to everyone else approaching due dates.

Jules , have been missing your lovely posts too. I am so sorry you are feeling so sad at the moment, my heart goes out to you and I wish I was closer to give you a hug. The sadness of losing a baby never leaves you whatever stage of pg you were at or how ever many you leave. Having babies makes the ache less but never completely removes it.
Sweetkitty - I have had many people tell me I 'must be unable to carry girls' but I had an overwhelming sense with each pg I lost that it was a boy. I saw a medium last year who confirmed (for me) that the 2nd one was. This baby looks likely to be a girl (although had legs crossed) so that throws that theory out of the window anyway, I think people just don't know what to say - hell I don't know what to say and I've been through it too!
Gilly, please don't think that you jinxed your pg, my first died at 13 weeks, despite having some bleeding I believed it would all 'be alright'. I was full of positive thoughts and when I got past 13 weeks (I was nearly 16 weeks when I found out) it didn't occur to me I might lose it, but I did anyway. Life is hard and sad sometimes but I don't think you can cause a m/c by negative thinking or stress or any other way, unfortunately it is one of those things that happens to some people and I like to think it makes us appreciate our LOs more when we finally do have them.

so many thoughtful and thought-provoking posts . . .

i had a bad day yesterday, not sure why in particular - just came home from work and crawled into bed for a little blub. it just seems like everyone is spawning like crazy right now.

then i got a maternity dress in the post that i had bid on ebay ages ago . . .

and all my (male) co-workers have pictures of their perfect blond danish kids as their screen savers - and its just doing my head in!

its funny though to read about that whole loss of innocence and pure joy disappearing with a m/c. i totally understand and can foresee that for myself, but somehow i feel like the whole experience has been humbling in a way that i can sort of appreciate somehow. in that i am so very lucky in so many ways (family, dp, friends)that i never think about, the loss of my first pregnancy means that i will never take anything for granted again.
can't quite articulate this, but somehow amongst all the sadness, wistfulness, anger, sorrow, self-pity, desire etc, I feel some weird gratefulness that now i have woken up and truly understand what is important in life, and also somewhere in this is a feeling of appreciation for now and positivity for the future.

whoa, - not sure where that came from...

but i was also wondering about that intuition - i was surprised when i found out that i was p/g and then went through a lot of stuff with my parents who i am very close to (them being worried about be not being able to afford it and being unmarried etc - they think i am 22 not 32!). and i quite often tried to be really matter-of-fact about it, saying "well, if this all works out . . ." - meaning if the p/g continues.

Which when you think about it, was a very nervous and apologetic way to talk about what was for me, the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me.
I wonder if I jinxed it to?
Or was it that morning the same week when i really needed two cups of coffee? Or my anxiety about being a bit chunky to start with and daily workouts and yoga? Or was it the two party weekends before I found out, that involved serious drinking? Or the retin-A i used twice on my skin before i knew? was it the remains of the contraceptive pill hormones in my body from coming off the pill the previous month?

or was it really just fate, chromosomes, life?

seeings its little nubby limbs the morning of my scan at 10 wks . . . .and then the dc in the afternoon. it was all so shockingly quick.

i don't know why its now, i am thinking about this - I guess its coming on this thread. its such a great comfort zone, especially since my b/f just switches off now. he says he does feel sad (spent the day yesterday seeing and bumping into friends with babies) but he doesn't want to dive into it and thrash around these feelings.

anyway, sorry to ventilate. i think i need a nap, a walk around the shops, a purchase and a glass of wine.

I've felt differently about mine too. It also didn't cross my mind I might m/c the first time I was pregnant so it was a really big shock and not knowing if I could carry a baby to term made it even more difficult. This time round it was physically more traumatic but at least I have done it bofre so I know I can do it again and I also expect to m/c now which didn't make it easier when it happened but wasn't a huge shock.

Just want to echo what everyone's said about every mc hurting whether it's your first or sixth, even if they hurt in different ways. With my first mc I was devastated, it was our first pregnancy and the thought of losing it had honestly never occurred to me. It was the most physically painful as well. 2nd one, I think I had an inkling from the start that it wasn't going to last so dealt with that one reasonably OK. But was knocked sideways by this last one, still can't quite get to grips with the unfairness of it, I'd felt so positive about it, really thought it would stick etc. The good thing (the sanity saving!) thing about this site is that other people understand.

Thank you MRSMC, you made me cry again, but in a good way this time.
It is quite a reflective day today.

Just back from toddlers where there were 3 pregnant women and 2 newborns, stayed away from the newborns but of course DD2 goes over to one and I have to go over and see shes not bashing it over the head so the Mum I've never met starts chatting and says DD2 is fascinated by babies and maybe she wants a little brother or sister don't want to say anything as it would make her feel awfil just said "oh we'll see" Life eh?

here's also to the little bean graduates of this thread, they will be extra specially treasured

Ronshar - so glad all is well, moaning bodes well. Your due date was mine with my lost angel, I hope she watches over you and helps yours reach you safely .

I find that lighting a candle for Ava in the church whenever I ache for her really helps, if I am cynical; it?s more about the symbolism and the action than my faith behind it. I think I?ll go today and I?ll light one for all of your lost babies and I hope that somehow from somewhere it brings comfort to you all xx

I meant raises. Doh

Hello MRS. I am over the moon at your progress. I think of you often as you were one of the most supportive and honest posters which really helped me through all those months ago.
Heres to little beans. [raisings a glass]

Firts of all TORRES yipee fantastic brilliant. That makes tow BFPs I am genuinely happy about. Maybe I am not so bitter and after all!!
Jules, what can I say. All the pain and grief that we all feel in varying degrees is finally put down for every one else to read and understand.
My due date is 6th Oct. My peace of mind has been shattered by being in September and the implication that I should be moaning about the heat and not being able to sleep and the constant craps in my legs at night. Now I just moan. My DH isnt the most understanding person. Emotion scares him. I understand this and dont expect to much from him. He does understand that I am getting worried about the date.
I am sitting here remembering the first time I looked at the MC threads. I couldnt post for days because everybody else was going through the same as me and I was so so very sad that life can try to destroy us like this. I no longer feel as sad but do not understand why it has to be quite so difficult!
Sorry if I have brought any body down this morning.
The sun is out and the children are back at school.

Ladies I feel all your pain so acutely, I think of you all a lot and hope that fate is kind and deals you a better hand sometime soon. MC changes your persepetive forever not on on childbearing but on everything, I think we are all a little different afterwards.

Thank you for all your kind words for me in the face of your pain, I hope that those of us who have been lucky enough to fall again already can give you some hope that it happens because I for one began to think it never would when I was where you are x

Lissie doesn?t feel like it?s flown to me! seemed like an eternity to get to this point. How are you doing hon? You holding up ok? Rubbing for you x

Thank you Flosspot sorry to hear about your buyers, how stressful and I am sorry to hear how you are feeling ? sending hugs xx

I second all you said Beckle

Goingfor3 sorry for bringing you down hon, I do know exactly how you feel because my EDD would have been in 4 weeks with the baby I lost and whilst it?ll be lovely to see my October friends announcing, I will also find it hard, pregnant again or not xx

Jules hon, I think of you often. Thank you for all your lovely words, right back at you hon xx I am so sorry that life is being so hard for you, I pray for your lost beans and I hope Monday passes quickly xx

Ladylush ? thanks hon, how are you? x

Ooh I used to do N/A work at ITUs prior to qualifying and I had much awe for the nurses. So clever and intuitive. Amazing how they would get a feeling about a patient (eg that they would die even though vital signs all fine) and would mostly be right. Pat Benner wrote a lot about intuition didn't she - can't remember if her background was ITU. lol at "the staff" - can identify with that

Thank you wmmc - it was sad but good at the same time. I was very pleased I went to see them.

winemakesmummyclever - you don't sound like a nutter to me but then I have a higher threshold for that kind of thing (being a MH nurse) On a serious note, I think these dreams/thoughts are a protective mechanism to help us adapt after experiencing a bereavement/loss and it is perfectly normal.

ladylush - so sorry about the BFNs was going to ask on the other therad if you had tested yet, maybe my wobbles this morning are PMS never thought about that I have been all over the place the last few days.

I feel that way too - just want to get started with the next cycle. Have all the PMS so should be very soon. I normally get spotting at least by CD24 but my cycle is probably getting back to normal so it will be a bit later. I've done tests and bfn.

ladylush - yes chromosome looks right I had forgotten about genetic abnormalities affecting only one sex and heres me with a biology degree albeit a long time ago glad you got your appointment at the mc clinic though

I do think I am so lucky in that I have had two brilliant DDs before the mc but in other ways it's harder as you know what you have missed. DC1 or DC6 though, mc 1 or 6 I don't think it makes a difference they all hurt don't they?

I know whats going to happen this month to me I'll get no AF for a few weeks and think oh am I pregnant? (don't know why have hardly had sex) but anyway will go get a test and it will be BFN and I will be really sad then AF will eventually show up, I'm preparing myself for this. I know it's highly unlikely I will be pregnant straight away so in some ways just want AF to show up so we can strat ttc proper. Already feel in some ways the next pregnancy will be blighted as I will be a nervous wreck for the first 12 weeks at least.

Possibly some genetic conditions apply too