My new boyfriend doesn't want kids..I'm 35

Sounds like he’s pretty certain on this and would you really want to stick around hoping that he will change his mind? Like others have said, 8 months is relatively short in the grand scheme of things. The pain of a break up is likely to be less than the pain of forever wishing you had had children. And what if you break up for some other reason 2-3 years down the line? They’ll be plenty of men out there who want the same thing in life. Just give yourself time to heal first and be kind to yourself xx

If you are 100% sure that want children and that that matters more more to you than anything else. I would end the relationship. Don't carry on with the hope that he will change his mind or you will end up resenting him ans the relationship will end anyway.

Please listen to this. He might want to stay with you and "wait it out" - and that will make you resent him and regret your choices. Or he might even be like a friend of mine's husband who said yes to children when they married, then changed his mind to no, never, and when she was 40 he left her for a young woman and had a child almost immediately. She is alone and childless.

If you want children, this is not the man for you. At his age he probably knows his mind and if he says no it's a no.

If you are 100% sure that want children and that that matters more more to you than anything else. I would end the relationship. Don't carry on with the hope that he will change his mind or you will end up resenting him ans the relationship will end anyway.

I also came to love someone very dearly. We were at different stages in life, though we were the same age. Although we loved each other, I had to move on because he wasn't ready for marriage or kids. I met DH and had 3 in my 30s. He didn't have any until he was 39 after he married a woman 7 years younger. That would have been too late for me.

It's very sad, but we were incompatible.

Aah this post makes me sad ☹️ you must be feeling down, you’ve met someone who you really love and it’s reciprocated but there’s an elephant in the room. My dp is a lot younger than me, doesn’t particularly want kids right now and we are trying, because I’m in my 30s and times on my side. The difference is he does want them eventually just not now. I don’t think your partner is going to want them ever at his age and he’s had plenty of time to think. I don’t know whether there could be an underlying issue maybe? I can understand why people would be scared to have children but once you have them you do realise how amazing it is.
I think you need to have a serious chat with him, explain to him how important is it for you and ask his reasons for feeling otherwise.

You need to put yourself first, and this is a big deal.

Xxx

I could have written this 20 years ago, I nearly had a nervous breakdown over it. Wonderful relationship but he’d had a vasectomy, I was 35.
I decided to cut my losses, met DH 6 months later and two lovely DC by the time I was 40. If you want children then you need to do all that you can to have them, otherwise you’ll be regretful for the rest of your life, and probably end up hating your partner.

I think this is a very good reason to end a relationship.

I did. I started seeing someone post divorce. He didnt have kids and wanted one. I am not having anymore. I dont want anymore. It wasnt right to stay with him, with him hoping I would change my mind.

Just to note I said children one day with him not right this second. Like in a few years before I turn 40 (if I can)
That kind of means that you need to get a move on though. If you want kids age 39 (before 40), and TTC tnormally takes up to a year then you need to start TTC at 38. You might want to live with a partner first for a year to see if you're really compatible so age 37. You might want to date him for a year before you move in so age 36 you need to meet him. Of course you can go quicker but waiting 8 months to ask if someone wants kids is taking it very (too) slow at your age,

If you want kids you need a different partner.

Cool it now. In a year or so you'll meet someone else who has the same goals as you.

It's sad though because you've obviously been good together before this was mentioned. It will take a little time to get over but - you will.

Good luck.

Most wonderful man you've ever met compared to your abusive ex or compared to a standard baseline of non-abusive behaviour from decent human beings?

Did you do the Freedom Programme after getting out of the abusive relationship?

Kids smids. I wouldn't trade something real and good for something possible.

That being said, he should have told you he didn't want kids from the offset. That in top of his ghosting...I don't think he's as good as you initially thought.

Also, i'd be very careful after coming from an abusive relationship not to get so attached so fast. Its only been 8 months and you didn't know this crucial thing about him yet you are already throwing words like 'deeply in love' about. Don't know if he love bombed you but...either way, it's a bit fast. And clearly, he has been keeping something if himself back from you. What else? I wonder.

You both want different things which is fine. Don't waste each other's time.

You are incompatible. You can stay and waste your time and hope he changes his mind but you are incompatible. So staying with him, by choosing to do this, you are actively making a decision to not have kids. Tbh, it's downright foolish to wait till you're 40.

Neither of you are wrong, just not compatible. Since this is important to you, move swiftly along.

at the idea it’s down to a bad upbringing. Some people just don’t want kids or enjoy being around them. Perhaps being with his previous girlfriend‘s two DC confirmed that for him.

@DesMartinsPetCat I think most of us on this thread are indirectly saying that he will. And of course he can stick to his guns that is.

OP there is no point planning on having kids one day with someone who has told you he doesn’t ever want them. Not only is it a total waste of the remainder of your childbearing years it’s also unfair on any children born under duress or by accident since the chances are henwill at some point make this an issue.

I spent eleven years with a man who didn’t want children and I spent the last five of them hoping against hope. I saw him recently with all three of my children by chance and he said he had never changed his mind though he had loved me. If I hadn’t had my three amazing children it would have been too difficult to hear, instead it was total validation for my ending the relationship.

Trust me you need to move on.

The man can stick to his guns if he wants to, I was giving advice to OP. I think if she wants children then she wants children- the need for children in my opinion is not to be messed around with- op should give him a chance, have a conversation, if they both "stick to their guns" then that would mean splitting up and so be it. Not having children when you want them must be a terrible regret in life .... hence " stick to your guns" do what you want, have children. Wasnt meant to be an inflammatory or sexist remark.

The subject of DC didn't come up at all over 8 months?

When he said his ex had DC you didn't chat about how lovely to have DC I've always wanted one / them?

The two of you aren't compatible, and if you want kids, you don't have time to waste, IMO. Sorry to be the bringer of bad news.

Why is the man not allowed stick to his guns?

Who said he is not allowed? It just means they're not right for each other. Happens all the time.

Stick to your guns though

Why is the man not allowed stick to his guns?

Find out why. My dp didnt want kids- reason was he had a bad upbringing and his mum and step dad divorced etc his mum was/is the most horrific mother. His dad wasnt around and step dad disappeared too. Grandparents saved the day for him really. So he was scared of being a rubbish dad, and had lots of what ifs. We have two children and been together 15 years now- hes a great dad.

I should add I'd known him alot longer than you but still give him a chance if you love him. Stick to your guns though.

He might be fantastic, but he doesn't want kids. You do.
If I was your age, I would cut my losses now and move on.

There are many women who have children after 35.i myself had three.

But don’t waste the next two or three years hoping he will change his mind.