TTC after pregnancy loss - Thread 33- huddle up and bring on the BFP's

@MrsMGE sorry that you've been feeling low :( I think the private counsellor next week will do the world of good. My company has an independent counselling service and I am booked in to talk with one of them soon.

With regards to the gried settling down, I am still early stages and everyone still being supportive and understanding but I can see that after a while people are expected to not have any sad thoughts about it. Sounds like that's what you are experiencing:(

@ReeRi @Mumlili8 @SunshineCrocodile Thank you so much for taking time to write back ❤️ Nothing can make these feelings better, but it's very clear to me that you are all too familar with them and if I can be completely honest, it helps to know that we're all still here and we will keep going. I read your stories and each of them broke my heart to pieces in different ways and I must admit, my immediate thoughts were that you are amazing that you're carrying on, with everything - life, supporting others, TTC. It takes a huge amount to carry on. I know it's a bittersweet thing to hear, but you are an inspiration and your resilience and strength is totally admirable. It probably doesn't help you in dealing with your own rock bottom days to know this, but people don't always understand how hard it is, especially further down the line at the time when "the grief should settle down". People don't often ask how we really are or tell us we're doing well - I've certainly fallen victim to that assumption that I'm totally fine on the outside now. So I wanted you to know that I genuinely have so much appreciation for you for being in that very lonely and scary place that not many people ever go to or fully understand, and for the fact you hold your heads high and keep going. I understand your pain, but of course its multiplicity and/or the timing of your loss/es and the follow up struggle makes it extreme. I really think the experiences you've had and are still going through are the hardest thing in life, ever. Know that I'm your biggest cheerleader, and I think we all are on this thread 🌺🌺🌺 Even me with my painfully realistic approach and tendency to feel awfully dark for at least a week every month after a trigger, at all times I have a glimmer of hope in my heart that all of us will end up being happy mums. We got to pick each other up and hold on to it, especially when it feels it's too much sometimes ❤️❤️❤️ xxx

Ah, @MrsMGE, it's not about whose immediate problems are worse - I completely understand what you're saying having spent over 2 years between MMC and conceiving again and remember the black hole of loss, rage, pain and uncertainty around ever having a child and it is beyond shit. I am lucky and do now have DC and while the misery of conceiving and losing subsequent babies is still grim, it's a thousand miles away from how it felt to go through it without knowing if children were in the future at all.

Sorry, I don't know if I'm helping or hindering here - I don't want to be that insensitive idiot who rubs their dc in your face - I just wanted to let you know that I get it. It's not a small problem, it's something that's with you every second and you never know when you'll run into an announcement or a bump and it'll bring everything crashing down. You don't have to be happy for other people, it's not your responsibility to be and why should you be when their good news underlines your loss?

Im glad you have counselling booked and hope it helps. Here if you need, any time - that's what a space like this is for.

@ReeRi I'm sorry to hear it sounds like a bfn this cycle - is there still a chance of having caught late ovulation?

@Mumlili8 I don't know anything about Ashermans but I'm sorry to hear about the possible diagnosis. Is there anything they can do in terms of treatment if that's the case?

I didn't go to EPU in the end. The bleeding just suddenly slowed very abruptly just as I was getting ready to go, I phoned them back and they said I was still welcome to go in but it sounded like mc had completed. Minimal bleeding since then so I think all is ok physically now.

I’m sorry @Mumlili8 I’m not sure there’s anything I can say to help and I don’t know much about it but share as much as you like and remember we are here whenever you want to let it some steam x

I can identify with what you say about dealing with a loss but then not knowing whether you will ever have a healthy baby. I can accept that my daughter is not here most of the time. I hate that that happened and sometimes I find it difficult to deal with but I know I can’t do anything about it and I carry on. You are right that this ongoing mountain climb of trying to have another baby and not knowing if it will happen is so very difficult. It’s quite isolating as well sometimes as TTC and evening the losses themselves are not things that we discuss much, for me anyway. All I can say is I know some days are worse than others and if this is “a bad day” then I hope it passes. I do li the buddhist adage “This too shall pass” as whatever happens we won’t always feel the way we do today xxx

Hope you are ok @Mumlili8

Oh @Mumlili8 @ReeRi thank you so much, you can't imagine how much you've helped me just now. It's another rock bottom day and I'm angry because only few days ago I was so proud of myself that this time AF didn't trigger me. It clearly did again, or maybe it's a combination of this and her announcement, I don't know. Both are my known triggers and in a typically cruel twist of fate, if one didn't get me this month, another one did.

It feels like this is never going to end. I even thought today that if someone dies, an adult, it is very difficult, but the grief does for most people change over time because we have memories to treasure and cherish. For us there isn't much to cherish, sadly, and the entire future as we've known it is gone. To me it feels like there's a thick, black line, the life before baby loss and the life after, and it just will never ever be the same. I'm not the same. And the hardest thing to me now is not the loss, although this will of course never leave me, but the fact that I just don't know if it's ever going to be OK. In other words, will I ever have a baby. I'm not after a replacement, as we all know this is not possible. But I'd love to have some reassurance that the happiness is near, that this horrendous limbo and turmoil will not last for years and years. I am rock bottom now, how am I meant to go on without any guarantees. Isn't it just the cruellest thing, to have the most precious of gifts taken away first, and then to suffer again and again, either even more losses or not even being able to conceive. No one told me that baby loss wouldn't kill me once, there and then, but every single month ever since, now shifting onto inability to conceive. How are we all here and why is this all happening? How to go through this and not end up insane? I thought I had some ideas, but it's all BS.

I booked a private counsellor, she can see me in 10 days' time, better than nothing. I just don't know where I'm going with this anymore.

I had some wine tonight, courtesy of Sainsburys, only two large glasses, and watch this space, I was sick and sick again. Either there was something wrong with it or it's stress, I think. I can't even have blimming wine now, turns out, WTAF. Officially, game over. Xxx

Oh @MrsMGE I’m sorry you’re struggling but of course it’s not too small to post here. This is what this thread is about. I feel similar this weekend tbh. I actually felt hopeful I’d conceived but have had two negative tests. I feel alone. DH has two older children which were barely planned and there are only 9 months between them. That is not his fault or even a problem in itself but it just seems so unfair when I’ve tried to do everything right and now nearly 36 and had two losses this year. I also feel fat because my body changed after having a baby that I didn’t get to keep... Sorry I don’t mean to make this about me but I suppose I’m trying to show you’re not alone feeling crap and I also find it hard not to feel a bit bitter when people announce their pregnancies seemingly after no struggle but then we don’t know their stories either. I think it’s completely understandable to feel the way you do. Please don’t feel alone. If you ever don’t want to post on here but want to let off steam then PM me any time

Also if you feel like taking a break then do. I am going to take December off if I haven’t conceived this cycle and just enjoy myself with a few drinks and the jacuzzi, steam room etc...

You are not inadequate and odds are it will happen for you, it might just take more time but that won’t matter once you get to that stage xx

Hi girls. I nearly feel like my problem now is too small to post after reading your stories but I have nowhere else to go and get it out of the system. My work colleague is pg, told me today, and it's crushed me all over again. I put my hands up, I'm not coping with people's announcements at all, I'm not happy for them, I feel so inadequate and delayed and like it's never ever going to happen for me. I'm fed up, done. I actually don't know if I want to keep going. This whole journey has drained me, changed me to an emotional wreck and I don't like who I've become. I hate my body for not playing ball, and nothing is right in my life. Nothing. DHs family have been twats for years, my family have been twats since the MMC, the NHS neglects and dismisses how poorly I am, I have no support, I feel fat and ugly and I've just had enough. Fuck it. I'm just so, so done with everything 😢 xxx

But I am disappointed by those tests as I had my hopes up this month

Sorry to hear that @Mumlili8

I had a BFN too and DH just had surgery today which means we can’t try again for at least 3 weeks. TBH I was so worried as I’ve had much anxiety about losing him since I lost my daughter so I am just thankful he is ok and thinking if I am not pregnant I will drink etc and enjoy Christmas as much as possible!

@Mumlili8 sorry to hear about your BFN. Hopefully it might be perfectly timed for a BF Christmas P next month?

Ladies @JuniperandRose @SunshineCrocodile no words can express. I'm so sorry you're going through such tough times, it's just indescribable. I know it's no consolation, but we all understand how incredibly difficult this is and are here for you ❤️ Know you're never alone, no matter how hard things get xxxxx

@SunshineCrocodile @JuniperAndRose I'm so sorry to see you both here again going through such incredibly horrid and painful experiences.

@SunshineCrocodile if I were you I'd pop along to the EPU for peace of mind as much as anything. Both of my miscarriages were a few weeks earlier than yours so not as visually traumatic in some ways, however when I went into EPU during the first one it was a worthwhile experience as a doctor physically examined me and helped to gently remove some tissue which was 'stuck' in the opening of the uterus, and I also got to talk through my fears with a very kind nurse.

@JuniperAndRose I am devastated for you, this group really does make it seem like life can be so cruel and unfair sometimes, and I desperately hope that next year you will bring a rainbow into the world. We will all be thinking of you next Monday.

@SunshineCrocodile glad to hear that epu are going to see you. With it being the weekend I would be inclined to go anyway no matter what happens with the bleeding.

@JuniperAndRose thinking of you and sending a massive hug

@Avocuddles thanks lovely ... I hope they do too. I done another test this morning and got the fainest of positives so hopefully the negative wont be too far away. Cant believe I am saying this ... such a mindf**k

@SunshineCrocodile glad that the EPU have agreed to see you xxx

@JuniperAndRose so sorry for your loss. Must be such a difficult time hearing that news and having to research and make a decision. Life can be so unfair xxx

@JuniperAndRose I am so very sorry to read your news, I can't imagine how hard this must be. I remember you from the thread and wondered about you as you got your bfp just before I did. Nothing to say that can make this any better for you, it's just monumentally unfair and you have my hugest sympathy. Sending you love, I hope you have people to lean on IRL. If you want a chat, just for solidarity or venting or whatever you need, please do pm me. Not in a comparable situation but currently going through the loss of my second pregnancy this year.

@ReeRi and @Anny27, thank you - I've called EPU and they've said it sounds a lot and I can go in - bleeding has actually slowed quite a bit so I'm going to wait and see how the next hour goes and go in if it ramps up again. Pulse and temp all ok so hopefully it was just my body getting rid of everything in a rush.

@juniperandrose so very very sorry to hear this x

@JuniperAndRose I am so sorry to read your update. You have been through so much and it is just so unfair are losing another baby girl. Life really is shit sometimes. I hope you are taken care of and have lots of support in real life to help you get through this.

@Mumlili8 thank you for the new thread and the tag. I got a BFP in September and took myself off this thread. I didn’t add myself to the graduates thread as I was waiting for the 12 week scan. At the 12 week scan we got the terrible news that our baby is very sick- NT measurement of over 10mm plus fluid around lungs and belly. We had a CVS test the next day and received a diagnosis of a chromosomal abnormality. After a lot of research and distress, DH and I have decided to terminate this pregnancy due to these findings. I am booked in to have a termination under general anaesthetic on Monday. We know that the baby is a little girl. So in the space of one year we have had one daughter stillborn, and now are preparing ourselves to lose our second daughter.

I’m sorry not to be able to bring positive news after a BFP. I don’t know if or when we will start TTC again, at the moment we are just focusing on getting through one day at a time.

Hug to everyone x

I hope you’re ok and not in too much pain @SunshineCrocodile And sorry I meant I can’t imagine what you’re going through obviously.