TTC after pregnancy loss - Thread 33- huddle up and bring on the BFP's

I think you’re right @Twinklelittlestar1

I quit Facebook when I lost my daughter. I don't miss it one bit. It's filled with people sharing the happy sides of their lives, the sides they want everyone to see so it's absolutely depressing. Cut it out of your life, you won't be sorry!

@VenusStarr I love this group too! You have been so supportive when I’ve need it. I think taking it day by day is fair

@Avocuddles I don’t really use Instagram or anything other than Facebook. Even then I rarely post, I just scroll through but almost always I come across a pregnant person or a newborn and every time I think I just need to cut it out. Honestly it doesn’t add anything to my life! I’m tempted to put a ban on myself, maybe just for January, and see how it goes...

Social media not social meadow! Though it sounds quite appealing.....

Feeling like it might be time for a social meadow blackout, just wish I had the strength to step away! Have just seen a New Year's Eve gender reveal from DH's cousin, plus various people talking about their #amazing #blessed years all involving either newborns or babies due next year. It's taking all my strength to not rant about my f*cking awful year. Thank god I have all of you.....

Hi everyone, sorry I've been quiet, still here in the background

@MissSparkles81 I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Seems a lot of our dh's feel the same about 'performing' and that it creates pressure. I've not shared with my dh when is the right time but I think even after 2 years he still doesn't fully understand the right time of the month to dtd to be in with a chance. It came to a head in the summer after my first loss and I gave him 2 options - we do the deed every other day for the whole month or we do smep and I track my temperature and use opks but that means I'll be telling you when we need to dtd. It actually helped as I'd told him the plan and so when it came to it he would jokingly till his eyes but it was in good humour. He agreed to smep and it did work, but sadly ended in my second loss. I've suggested we do that again but we haven't this cycle. It's really tough and I completely understand the anxiety you are feeling. Being able to try again gives me focus.

Loving the name change @BunnytheBlueWhale :)

Thanks for setting up the health thread @MrsMGE, I'll pop over :)

How are you @Avocuddles? Glad your appointment is next week. Mine is the following Tuesday, hoping we get a plan of action.

Sorry af arrived @Mumlili8, not long for your appointment, I hope you will get some investigations too. Have you ever tried accupuncture? When I first came off the pill my flow wasn't great at all but it massively improved after a few sessions. I still have 3 day periods but it's clear my lining is shedding.

Sorry I can tag everyone, I'm sorry to see new faces here, sending lots of love ❤️❤️ xxx

Just want to say that I've really appreciated everyone's support on this thread. It's nice to know that we can all dip in and out but there's always someone here. I'm not setting resolutions or anything, I feel a strange sense of something? Not sure what, not quite sadness but this year has been awful for all of us in so many different ways and we have got through each day. I don't want too look to far ahead, just take each day as it comes. Sorry, a bit rambly, but hope you get the gist! 😊 ❤️

@MissSparkles81 I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I only saw the thread this morning. I think men see things differently from us in a way and they don’t like to feel things are artificial and forced. Suggesting AI might be a good idea to take the pressure off or just trying to dtd more but without time pressure. I know it’s difficult. The issues with his ex and his son will be there for a while of his some is young. My DH has two sons, teenagers, and their mother has caused problems over the years. His son is important but he needs to know how important it is for you to have your own child and many of us being the ages we are we don’t have the time to just see how it goes. Do you have the kind of conversation where you can sit and talk to him about how important this is to you? Hugs to you x

I’m sorry you’re dealing with something similar @tmc14 x

@MissSparkles81 I'm sorry you had such an awful time in the last few years and now his attitude is making things difficult. My DH and I BD a fair amount, however... he hates having timed intercourse, dislikes me checking my BBT in the morning/tracking and telling him about it, he commented to our friends (who have been through a fertility struggle) that he feels like a monkey performing in a circus, it stresses him out, puts pressure on him and takes away the joy and he'd rather just have sex with wife when we both want to. That's a tough one to hear.

Truthfully, I believe they do feel sorry for us because they love us and don't want us to be upset. It is a shared issue, I agree with that too, but they just don't approach it or see it the same way. They'll never really get it, they don't go through mc physically, they are not under the same time pressure as we are, they are likely not to be that connected to the lost baby/ies, they are different to us emotionally, and they simply are different people etc., etc. Your DP seems to be saying he too has a lot on his plate, although I get the issue is ongoing, but it might well be stressing him out. He probably wants to enjoy sex because it's a pleasure and stress release, and really, it used to be the same for us, women, before the loss, wasn't it? There's nothing malicious in this approach, he probably doesn't want to lose that and be under enormous pressure to get things up and perform there and now, it might not work then and ultimately he'll disappoint you, and he knows how much this means to you. I personally think it's worth speaking to him calmly about your feelings in general, but telling him about when to BD might not be the best idea. Just don't link the two topics together, if possible. I know they're linked in your head, but he doesn't need to think the same. I'd be trying this way. If you think it might succeed, just do your own thing with tracking/temping etc., don't tell him, and increase how many times you BD anyway so he simply can't work things out. He'll enjoy himself, you probably will find it more enjoyable too which is a good thing for both of you, and you'll be sure you've used your chance to conceive as well. Having sex only to conceive is likely affecting both of you and your relationship a lot more than you might think and this intimacy is very precious and important especially now, when times are tough. Don't lose it, both of you ❤️ Xxx

@MissSparkles81 ah, I could have written your post this evening. Another failed attempt and I lost it a bit at DH. I don’t have any advice, but know you’re not alone. I might suggest artificial insemination although I really don’t think DH will go for it. Took 7 months to get pregnant, with only two of those months ‘trying’ at the right time, and it’s three cycles since my miscarriage & we’ve only successfully had sex once. I think I’m allowed to feel rubbish about that and get upset/angry. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Sending love to you, I totally get where you’re coming from xx

Thank you @Twinklelittlestar1 I know I am being unfair on him as he is under alot of stress just now. I have tried in previous months to not show my upset when things dont go to plan but I just couldnt hold it in tonight.

@MissSparkles81 I'm so sorry. I feel your agony it's such an awful situation. The performance issue is a common one and something my oh struggled with too, especially when he felt pressure from me. I had to hide my agony on several occasions when we were trying after losing our daughter. I knew that any reaction from me would create a cycle and it was so hard as I was so exasperated.

In the end, what worked for us was taking the pressure off completely. We considered artificial insemination which is so unromantic but functional. Just having that as an option really helped and we never actually needed it in the end. I also tried to make it really exciting rather than just going through the motions.

I totally understand your agony, it's so bloody unfair, especially after everything you've been through xx

Hi Ladies

Please excuse my rudeness for not replying to anyones posts and dumping my problems. Im really in a state tonight and needing a wee bit of support.

Since my miscarriage in November I have been tracking ovulation and I am now getting positives on opks so tried to get OH to do the deed tonight and it was a disaster 😔 Without going into too much detail he struggled to maintain things (an ongoing issue over the past year) I got really upset tonight and he said he doesnt see what the urgency is and his mind isn't on things just now as he is having issues with his ex and getting access to his son. Lawyers etc are involved. Hes saying im putting pressure on him but what else am I to do? Realistically if we only manage to babydance once per month then I need it to be at the right time.
I just want a baby 😔 for the past 4 years its been out of my hands ... I had cancer which required 2 operations, then my mum died and I had to come off certain medications before trying and its just all getting ontop of me. Im 39 in september so dont have alot of time on my side. The issues with my bfs ex isnt going to go anywhere anytime soon so am I just meant to again put what I want on hold??

The tears just wont stop and I have nobody to talk to about it all.

If your still reading ... then thank you. I really appreciate it.

You should absolutely join us @Seahawk80 It is good to have things to distract you from worrying and pass the time. Link is above

Thanks @Avocuddles and also as I know you'll be coming up to a due date

If there is a healthy thread I'd love to be on it, I promise I won't go on about being pregnant! I've just decided to start couch to 5k as I cycle to work and am reasonably fit but really want to start running again. Obviously I'll have to see how it goes but hopefully I can do it and the 9 weeks will be a good countdown to the 12 week scan and beyond. I really can't imagine how I'd feel if it's another TMFR but at least I could then focus on fitness

Also hope you’re ok @Russkispy

I have started a thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/3781794-TTC-after-loss-penguins-get-fit-healthy-in-2020

@Mumlili8 I’ve mentioned before my periods are much lighter than they used to be and it doesn’t seem to be a problem

@LASandOtto It’s hard when it seems everyone else is pregnant except you. Happy New Year to you too. I really hope 2020 brings great things for us all x

@LASandOtto good to hear from you! I would love a good chinwag, I'm sure we all have plenty in common beyond the awful circumstances that have thrown us together. Sending lots of love to you too. I think the next couple of weeks are going to be tough as I pass my first due date and have both a close friend and a colleague due imminently, but I'm determined to try to stay positive and not let it consume me.

Hi ladies, wow it seems like there's been a lot going on so apologies if I miss anyone!

@Mumlili8 my periods are very light too, I could probably get away with just a pantyliner, a single pad or tampon would definitely be enough to get me through a day if I didn't change it. I on the hand haven't ovulated since July when I last fell pregnant so that's a bit of an issue too! I have my next fertility clinic appointment on jan 6th though (a week today!) and should be starting ovulation induction this month so at least we'll have a chance. Like you I worry though that my lining is thick enough, though I did make it to 8 weeks and have substantial prolonged bleeding when I miscarried so I guess it must be possible.

@MrsMGE holidays and a new car sound exciting, have you decided where you're going / which car you'd like?
I do think that like you'll I'll try to step back from the thread a little, at one stage I was checking it every single hour and I need to try to not spend every waking moment thinking about TTC for the sake of my sanity. I'm glad you'll still be around occasionally though and I'm definitely up for the healthkick. I could do with losing around a stone to get to a 'normal' BMI though certainly won't be doing any kind of crazy crash dieting as that's not productive to TTC. From the weekend onwards DH and I will be using weight watchers online - I used it a couple of years ago and found it worked really well as you can eat everything in moderation but it directs you towards healthier choices.
Until then I'll be eating and drinking everything I fancy and will definitely be having some new year drinks! I think I mentioned a while ago that I'm taking my mum to 'Mamma Mia the Party' at the o2 tomorrow lunchtime so I'm very much looking forward to ABBA, Greek food and cocktails, then in the evening we'll be having family board games and fizz.

@SunshineCrocodile well done with the weight loss, that's fantastic! I'm sorry to hear about possibly another CP for you. Do you have any medical support / investigations planned?

@BunnytheBlueWhale was confused by the name then read who you were! I'm with you re taking healthy lunches to work, I'm actually looking forward to meal planning. I hope the root canal isn't too painful!

@shanine it's hard to avoid symptom spotting isn't it! Enjoy your New Years drinks, we've all had a tough time and should endeavour to at least find some enjoyment whilst we see it out!

@Shefliesonherownwings so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. I hope it doesn't take too long for you to conceive your rainbow. Tracking can be a pretty stressful experience so I would certainly advise avoiding it for at least a few months and giving yourselves the opportunities to see what happens without having that pressure added into your daily routine. Like you I'm 36, I feel acutely aware of my age but have come across plenty of women on MN who have had healthy pregnancies at 40+ so try to stay positive.

@Twinklelittlestar1 @Bobbelle @Ejb86 I am so sorry that you find yourselves here after your tragic losses. This is a really supportive group but I hope that none of you find yourselves here for long.

@Sunflower1608 sorry you didn't get your BFP. It seems like taking some time out is the right thing for you and your partner right now, but I do hope that when the time is right you get the baby you long for.

@Seahawk80 congratulations! I hope this is your rainbow.

Well 2019 has been a truly shocking year for all of us here but hopefully we can move into the next decade feeling proud of how strong we've been through the toughest of times, and optimistic for a happier year ahead. I hope that by this time next year we are all holding our babies in our arms or cradling a big healthy bump.....

@BunnytheBlueWhale I'll be honest, I'd rather stay on the conception board, I reckon the admins will be ok with this as long as you make it clear in the first post that this is the post baby-loss/TTC health kick thread. I just don't fancy hearing from all the annoying fitness fanatics from other boards who haven't been through the same as us, and frankly will never get why we're doing this and how we're feeling. Plus no doubt there will be ladies who are TTC long term and struggling with their weight who might want to join in, and we'd have more in common with them than with fitness freaks (no offence anyone).

@LASandOtto Awww, girl. I totally know how you're feeling. I now have 13 pg women around me, it got so ridiculous that I laugh at this and every announcement now just goes over my head, I don't care and don't want to know anymore.

It doesn't make you a failure. Or less of a woman. It is a rubbish coincidence not aimed at making you feel worse. I know you feel like time is ticking and you 'should be pg by now', and every month brings extra worries and bad feelings. There's no easy fix to this in my mind other than to acknowledge the situation and build up our strength in every possible way. You might be pg next month or it might take you another few months or years - hopefully not, but you just don't know and it's hard. It's got to be about doing what we can to keep our stamina and resilience levels high, and not racing or setting any deadlines that only make you feel worse if not "met", as this is a long haul venture.

Just a reflection.
I often think how I felt before I got pg, I was thinking then that we'll give it a year, no rush. I thought I had plenty of time, was so relaxed and didn't even think to test before my missed AF, I never thought I'd be pg after 6 weeks of ttc. I didn't have a deadline and wasn't racing against anyone. And I got pg. I now look at myself, a very different person, more serious, less innocent, more bitter, pressurising myself. How much has changed in 9 months. I will not be the same as before, but I know for a fact that I was happier then and it served me well, so I'm trying to loosen up and build myself back up to be bright-eyed again and not to worry about the future so much, you know. I read this quote the other day, "Trust the timing of your life" and it's hit home. I think it's time for this trust to return. Xxx

Hey Ladies!

@MrsMGE thanks for tagging me! I've been thinking of all you ladies too, just been quiet on here but been reading here and there when I've felt up to it.

Apologies for the silence but I've just had a few weeks where I've first tried to firmly keep focus off TTC, but of course, it's hard to achieve. I'm sure you ladies can empathise when I say it feels like a year has gone by (wow!) and after all the TTC, MCs, I felt recently like my usual upbeatness and positivity was waning. Another friend has announced she's 9 weeks pregnant. My two best friends are both happily pregnant. I feel a bit like a failure. I know it's ridiculous to say this but if not here, then where? At least I've felt like that the last few weeks or so.

I feel no resentment for my friends who are pregnant or others who are getting pregnant but it is making me anxious about the future!

I'm sure it's a phase and I'll be fine. I also don't want to be negative nelly when there's a lot of women out there with ongoing battles of their own, not that that means my emotions aren't 'valid' but my usual way of coping is to remember that there's people battling much worse than what's happening to me emotionally (and physically).

Anyway, raaaaaant over!

Please let's start a healthy penguin huddle thread! I lost all my usually very good motivation for exercise and healthy eating. I've put on a bit of weight and it's probably adding to my low morale too! I'd be delighted to share recipes, exercise tips, exercise reads, articles, motivation, virtual kicks up the butt if needed on low motivation day !

Ladies you've all been so great on this thread. Honestly, I'm just so grateful you all exist and are here! It's been an incredible support... Wish we could all meet in person and have a good chinwag

Lots of love to you all ladies, happy New Year! Xxx

Happy to start a thread but which section would it go in? 🤔😬😂

That's very true @SunshineCrocodile. I like the way you've described this, that grain of hope and then the acceptance, I know exactly what you're referring to. Beautifully put.

You know what, the penguin huddle health kick thread might not be a bad idea, it would keep us focused on the health mission and on the good stuff without necessarily talking about the obvious daily. I'd join in.

A very well done on your December weight loss, I haven't been good over Christmas or the week before, too much going out and eating out, but I'll be chasing you and @Venusstarr from January.

@Avocuddles are you up for joining the penguin healthkick too? Sending you lots of love.

Also just using the opportunity I'm here, sending lots of love and light to @SunStruck and @LASandOtto. We've been through half of this year together and I often think of you ladies. Wishing you all the very best in the New Year, may 2020 be as fabulous as you are ❤️ xxx

@Twinklelittlestar1 thank you, it's comforting to hear about your rainbows. I've no idea if i've ovulated this month as my first period after Isla was born was 12 days long. Before I fell pregnant I was pretty average with 28 day cycles. I've had some EWCM the last couple of days which would be about right if I am back to a 28 day cycle. I'll have more of an idea when AF appears next month.

I'm looking forward to a few drinks tomorrow night but we are probably just staying in. DH wants to cook a nice meal and the in laws have invited us round for a game of scabble so we may do that as they're only 5 mins walk away. Not exactly a wild NYE here!

Ps @MrsMGE I know you didn't fancy it before but if you're not going to be around on this thread so much would be very happy to start a new year's health kick thread if that would be easier to keep up with.