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Original poster

TTC after baby loss / stillbirth

335 replies

ReeRi · 25/09/2019 15:07

I’m mid-thirties. My first child was stillborn at full term early this year. My second pregnancy, around 6 months later, ended in early miscarriage.

I’m now on CD21 and about 5DPO.

Anyone else?

I find some of the TTC boards hard to relate to as they’re either those who have never suffered a loss or those who have had early losses / RMC or general fertility issues. I am not trying to compare losses. Any loss is difficult but I know for me my miscarriage at 5 weeks did not even register compared to losing a baby at full term. It was disappointing but more so because I wanted to be pregnant and wasn’t any more.

OP posts:
MrsC89 · 26/11/2019 15:05

@lulamoon1 Thank you. I was pretty gutted if I'm honest with you. I said to DH I dont know if we should take a break from TTC for a while. I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

lunamoon1 · 26/11/2019 14:58

@MrsC89 I'm so sorry, how are you feeling? This journey is so painful, be as kind to yourself as you can, sending love!

MrsC89 · 26/11/2019 14:49

Tested this morning with a FRER, nothing on there at all.

lunamoon1 · 26/11/2019 14:43

@MrsC89 gentle congratulations, wishing you all the best💐

@Tazzle2007 it must be a nervous time for you but I'm hoping you are taking it all in as best you can

@sh84 welcome, and I'm so sorry you find yourself here & having had faced another loss so soon after losing your son, life really is not fair! I lost my little boy in August too at 6 days old, and feel like my life has been on hold ever since. I sympathise about feeling unable to go back to work, I'm a nurse but feel I have totally lost my empathy at the moment as a lot of the time I'm dealing with patients who aren't particularly 'sick', it's so not like me too as I'm usually very understanding but baby loss changes you in SO many ways

@riceandwhisky it's so difficult they can't absolutely promise you if won't happen again, they have said the same to me about our sons medical condition that the odds of it happening again are next to nothing... but it's still not nothing and that's quite scary. Google is a dangerous place sometimes when you don't get the answers you'd hope for. I just try to look at it as how many people are actually in the world, and you're reading a handful of people's situations, so even tho it feels like quite a few situations, in the grand scheme of things it's nothing.

@ReeRi hope you're coping okay, I've had this weird thing where suffering the loss of my son has all of a sudden made me feel 'infertile' which is mad I know because I know I can conceive, but I think my aching, empty arms has made me feel as though I'll always feel this way. It really messes with your mind! Praying we all get our BFP's this cycle🤞🏼

sh84 · 26/11/2019 13:47

@ReeRi I’m no spring chicken either, 35. I’ve never really ttc before, it’s always been let’s see what happens & it’s happened, now I’m tracking my cycle, using OPKs, scheduling DTD & counting down the hours during the 2WW. No not back at work yet, don’t know if I’ll ever be able to go back tbh, I think I may be able to if I was pregnant but I can’t even think about it right now. Pregnancy is an anxious time anyway let alone if you’ve had a loss & the later the loss the longer your anxious. It’s like in a “normal” pregnancy you have little mile stones like 12 weeks, first kick, 20 week scan, viability, third trimester, full term, due date but after a loss the milestone is just the end & it’s such a long wait & it’s a case of if I get to take this baby home not when

Original poster
ReeRi · 26/11/2019 13:16

@sh84 Yes I think you’re right that it changes you. Having a baby is a fairly normal thing whereas SB is not. You’re not back at work I assume? Being a MW must be so difficult at a time like this. I think I realise the chances of this happening to me again are slim but they were slim last time so I know it’s a possibility also the most worrying thing for me at the moment is whether I’ll get pregnant again at all, and if I do that I’ll make it through the first trimester and then I’ll worry about prematurity, stillbirth etc. I try to focus on the fact that chances are I can have another baby but I’m not a spring chicken really either 😬

OP posts:
sh84 · 26/11/2019 12:12

@ReeRi I know you didn’t mean anything like that, I think society may think a bit like that. I get the whole how your seen as a mother, I’m now the mum who’s baby died. Can’t really handle pregnant women & newborns yet, ironically I’m a midwife, had my boy in the hospital that I work surrounded by doctors & midwives that I know. Many women who have SBs go on to have a baby, what happened to you was very rare & the chances of it happening again I imagine would be so slim, not that that would ease any anxiety, you’ll worry until you have an alive baby in your arms. It’s not even a proper hospital bag, just stuff I chucked in a bag last minute, I can’t take out the clothes I gave birth in, or the toiletries I washed with, I don’t really know why. I hadn’t bought too much stuff for him but what I did I just put in his memory box. Having a baby changes you, losing a baby changes you even more

Original poster
ReeRi · 26/11/2019 11:27

If you don’t feel like unpacking your bag then leave it. I took mine to hospital to give birth as I’d found out she had died before I had her but it was sad just taking out all the nappies. What happened to both of us is incredibly sad and I had to remind myself just now when it hurt a bit to see the bump of a pregnant woman in our office that it’s understandable that we’ll be upset that our babies died. Sometimes I think maybe we’re hard on ourselves.

OP posts:
Original poster
ReeRi · 26/11/2019 11:25

@sh84 Thank you. I don’t think it matters less because you have other children by the way. I don’t mean that. But I do find it particularly difficult never knowing if I’ll be a mother to a living child. I do feel like a mother, I am her mom, but to the outside world I feel like I don’t fit in because I don’t fit in with the mums who have children as I don’t have any but then I’m also different to before I had her as having a baby changes you and there’s this massive thing that happened but we don’t talk about it like we would if our children were here. I’m sorry AF came for you. I am in the 2WW and think I have my hopes up which means I’ll be more disappointed if I get a BFN

OP posts:
sh84 · 26/11/2019 11:03

@ReeRi you are a mother that’s lost a child there’s no like about it, your still a mother, you still have the same feelings & love as any other mother, don’t ever feel like your not a mother, you grew your baby, made sure she had everything she needed, gave birth, held her, love her, that still makes you a mother. I once got told to change my profile picture on Facebook to one of my “actual” children, I was like F**k off, he is my actual child just because he’s not here doesn’t make him any less relevant in my life

sh84 · 26/11/2019 10:57

@ReeRi leaving the hospital without a baby is so incredibly hard, giving birth & knowing you don’t get to take your baby home is so incredibly hard, it’s all so incredibly hard. I’m very lucky that I’ve got 3 other children but believe me it doesn’t make the loss any easier, it’s not like ah well it doesn’t matter as you’ve got 3 others. I’ve just done the shit 2WW only to get a BFN & AF show up on due date. Just hoping December is my month. It’s horrible that you had to go home to a house full of baby stuff with no baby, so cruel. I haven’t even unpacked my hospital bag yet. It’s just sat in a cupboard. Everyone says it gets easier, I think you just learn to live with a constant pain & void in your life. I hope you get your BFP. I just need something to look forward to again

Original poster
ReeRi · 26/11/2019 09:25

@sh84 I think your story is similar to mine with the loss and then a CP. We had a PM but we sort of knew what the issue was as our baby was born completely wrapped up in her cord. She was otherwise perfect, made it to 39+6 and was then squeezed to death very sadly. It is difficult to think she was perfect and could have been here if someone had realised there was an issue. You’re right that having another baby won’t replace the one you lost but for me, having lost my first child, I feel a bit lost. I went though nine months of pregnancy and gave birth, bought all the essentials as she was due and we needed them, only to be left without a child. I feel a bit like a mother without a child so, while another baby won’t replace our previous daughter, I feel like I need to have a child anyway to feel complete. I know lots of mothers who have lost babies feel the need to have another child. At the same time I am trying not to put life on hold and be grateful for what I have. So it’s a bit of a balancing act.

It is still early days for you though. For me, too, really, and it is 9 months since I lost my daughter.

Right now I’m in the 2WW and no idea what’s going on as I seemed to ovulate late.

OP posts:
sh84 · 26/11/2019 08:25

@ReeRi the PM results were exactly as I expected so didn’t help. Primary cause- prematurity
Secondary cause- chorioamnionitis
My membranes ruptured & I got an infection & went into labour, it was, still is heartbreaking. Reading through the PM results was hard as everything about him was normal, it was my body that failed him. I have made one friend who lost her baby shortly after birth & she’s been a real help. I have been having counselling too. A baby isn’t going to fix everything, I do know that, it would never replace my son & I don’t want to do that but I do think it would help with healing, my uterus & arms wouldn’t feel so empty. Did you have a PM? I’ve found that a quite a few people fall pregnant very quickly & I naively thought I would be one of them & I was then it turned out to be a CP. Just wonder whether it’s ever going to happen for me again.
@riceandwhisky my baby’s ashes are in a lovely urn on a special shelf with a picture of him & a candle, thought didn’t even cross my mind to have him anywhere else but at home with me. Do what you feel is right for you when the time is right, don’t let anyone say “you should do this with them” or “isn’t it about time you did something” your baby, your choice.

Original poster
ReeRi · 25/11/2019 23:06

It’s hard @sh84 It is only 2 and a half months until my daughter’s first birthday or what would have been. At this stage I would be grateful to be pregnant by then. I have obviously come into contact with other women who have lost babies around the same time as us (through sands for example and even a woman who is on youtube) and they all seem to be pregnant very soon after. With my DD I didnt track or anything either and just fell pregnant after some months but there is something a bit cruel about TTC after you have been through a full pregnancy and given birth... Have you had any answers as to why you lost your son? I hope you get your rainbow baby soon 🌈

@riceandwhisky Don’t feel rushed to do anything with your baby’s ashes. Hold on to them for as long as feels right. I know people who have kept them in teddy bear urns or made jewellery. Just see how you feel. Try not to be too worried about the future. It’s normal for us of course but in our position we come across other mums (and dads) who have lost babies in various circumstances so we become scared of not only how we lost our precious ones but of almost all the ways things can go wrong.

Do know that if you ever need to let off steam then you can do so here. It sounds a bit wet but I found yoga has helped me destress a lot, exercise generally helps me, and you can’t underestimate the importance of just having eating and sleeping well

How are you @Pandora71?

OP posts:
riceandwhisky · 25/11/2019 21:58

Hello everyone, so sorry I've been silent but life just got very hectic suddenly! Relationships haven't been easy and I think I've only just realised how I'm not coping very well with stress! I lost 6kg and as I was already on the lower weight side I'm getting worried my body will not be able to cope with a pregnancy.

@ReeRi thank you, the ceremony was lovely. Very peaceful and Mia had a really nice send off. Everything was perfect. We are still to decide what to do with her ashes as I'm not too keen on scattering.

I had my genetic appointment and the doctor advised that the risk of this happening again is next to nothing but that I will be fast tracked in to appointments etc with my next pregnancy.

Good news is I got my first period so I can start using Flo again!

We are still trying but i could help but google risks of this happening again and found a few forums on which ladies had back to back trisomies even though they weren't diagnosed as hereditary. Even if it wasn't T18 each time, they had cases of others. This makes me really worried!!!

Enough of the long update, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for all of you that are patiently waiting for that BFP!!!🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

sh84 · 25/11/2019 16:22

@ReeRi thank you, you take it all for granted until you live it. You don’t realise that you might leave the hospital without your baby, it’s not really a thought that crosses your mind. I’m staying as positive as I can but I really wanted to be holding a baby by his first birthday which is looking less likely now, I’ve still got a tiny bit of hope that I’m holding on to but it’s tiny. I feel a bit mad & consumed with ttc & tracking cycles OPKs etc as never needed any of that before but I’m desperate really, wish I could take a more relaxed approach but I just can’t do it

Original poster
ReeRi · 25/11/2019 15:18

Hi @sh84 Sorry for your loss. As you may have read, I lost my daughter at full term in February (stillbirth) and then had an early MC in August. It was rubbish to have a MC but I too found this did not compare to losing my DD in terms of loss. I am on a TTC after loss thread full of lovely women but I wanted to talk to women who had had similar losses to my loss. I get the need to be pregnant again after any loss but for me this comes from worrying I’ll never have a living child. I don’t take anything for granted now and so I won’t know it can happen until it does. Having said that, because I don’t assume anything will happen, I am trying to find fulfilment elsewhere and to be grateful for what I do have now.

OP posts:
sh84 · 25/11/2019 14:23

I haven’t had time to read through all the messages yet. I too am ttc after losing my little boy (prematurity) in August. I’m “fortunate” that AF showed up 4 weeks after I stopped bleeding, only tracked my cycle on an app in October, got a BFP in October but started bleeding 4 days later, BFN 1 week after bleeding stopped, used OPKs for November & matched my app perfectly but got a BFN this month, hoping December is going to be my month. I’m kind of reassured that my body is working as it should & im ovulating but it’s really stressing me out as I so desperately need to be pregnant. I’m not trying to play down anyone’s ttc journey but after a SB or NN death I do think it’s more of a need, I’ve had MCs before & they don’t come anywhere near to holding an alive baby in your arms until they die. I NEED to be pregnant again

Original poster
ReeRi · 25/11/2019 13:22

Oh gentle congrats to you @MrsC89 x

OP posts:
Tazzle2007 · 25/11/2019 13:19

5 weeks plus 3 today the doc has given me different blood pressure meds. Nausea is kicking in had to stop myself from being sick at work lots of times today. My hcg levels have been rising fast maybe it’s twins! 😱 I had a faint line on frer 5 days before period. 4 days before it came up on a digital. How is everyone? Xxx

MrsC89 · 25/11/2019 12:46

Hi ladies. I have had a couple of faint lines on a FRER the past few days. AF isn't due until Thursday so we shall see what happens.

Original poster
ReeRi · 25/11/2019 12:35

@lunamoon1 I think I ovulated late this month too! I had the spotting around day 14 when I usually ovulate but then had something like fertile CM about five days later so thin I might have ovulated late. Typical that this is the month I didn’t track but it’s usual for me. I’m not sure what to do about the bear as I did want one and I think there’s a deadline to reply so I’ll have to have a look

I have just booked our trip to Edinburgh for Christmas. I just don’t want to do christmas this year missing our little girl so want to get away! Do you gave any plans? It is a difficult time of year if you’ve lost someone.

OP posts:
lunamoon1 · 25/11/2019 12:17

@Tazzle2007 congratulations! I hope you're feeling as positive as you can about it💐

@ReeRi doing okay thank you, think I OV'd really late this time, CD 21 or something, not sure what that's about so not very hopeful this cycle, but you never know. How are you doing? That's annoying! Are you going to look into getting another kind?

It's a scary time of year with Christmas round the corner, especially since Christmas has always been a time of year my husband & I love, it's so hard!

Original poster
ReeRi · 23/11/2019 22:55

Gentle controlling to you @Tazzle2007

How is everyone else doing?

I tried to order the bear but for some reason it wouldn’t take my card details which is annoying 🙄

OP posts:
Tazzle2007 · 17/11/2019 17:45

Hello ladies I haven’t been getting notifications so I thought no one was posting! That pregnancy test I did was an evap line. I finally got my period 7 weeks after I stopped the pill. I did the clear blue ovulation tests and it worked. I’m currently 4 weeks 3 days pregnant. I’m worried sick already. Doing pregnancy tests everyday to make sure I still am and every time I go to the toilet i check for blood! It’s been 4 years since I had my daughter stillborn and I really didn’t think I would try again but as I said I have a new partner of 3 years and he hasn’t any children. He loves my 3 like his own. Baby dust to you all.

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