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Conception

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Original poster

TTC after baby loss / stillbirth

335 replies

ReeRi · 25/09/2019 15:07

I’m mid-thirties. My first child was stillborn at full term early this year. My second pregnancy, around 6 months later, ended in early miscarriage.

I’m now on CD21 and about 5DPO.

Anyone else?

I find some of the TTC boards hard to relate to as they’re either those who have never suffered a loss or those who have had early losses / RMC or general fertility issues. I am not trying to compare losses. Any loss is difficult but I know for me my miscarriage at 5 weeks did not even register compared to losing a baby at full term. It was disappointing but more so because I wanted to be pregnant and wasn’t any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
ReeRi · 13/12/2019 10:30

@booandbumpp I’m sorry to hear that. It is hard coming up to this time of year. A puppy will be lovely for you though! Do come on here or even PM I’d ever you want to chat

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booandbumpp · 13/12/2019 09:47

@ReeRi I'm a bit low - especially getting closer to Christmas.
AF is here and heavy still. I'm also a bit ill with whatever is going round atm.
1 week left and then I'm getting a puppy which is the only thing keeping me going atm

Original poster
ReeRi · 13/12/2019 07:27

How are you @lunamoon1 @booandbumpp @Pandora71? I am tired and grumpy I think so looking forward to the Christmas break!

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Original poster
ReeRi · 13/12/2019 07:25

@Tazzle2007 What do you mean by notifications? I don’t get emails or anything but I see the thread in “I’m on”

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Tazzle2007 · 13/12/2019 07:09

Hi ladies I haven’t been getting notifications for this post. I’m 8 weeks pregnant now and sick as a dog. I went for a scan at 6 weeks and all was ok saw heartbeat. But they found a 7cm cyst in 1 of my ovaries. As if I haven’t got enough to worry about. The doc doesn’t seem to care nor the midwife. I haven’t got my booking app till I’m 10.5 weeks and I’m terrified. I thought as I had a stillborn they might try and take better care of me but it doesn’t seem like it ☹️Xxx

Original poster
ReeRi · 11/12/2019 16:37

@lunamoon1 It is lovely when other people remember our babies. I had heard Pregnancare conception could cause irregular cycles but I’d also just had my daughter when I started taking it so wasn’t sure what that was down to. Incidentally I have started buying pregnancy vitamins rather than conception ones as they seem to be a lot cheaper. I got the Boots ones this time because they are cheaper too...

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lunamoon1 · 11/12/2019 16:24

@booandbumpp the last time we were TTC I used the seven Sean's TTC vitamins and they gave me a weird 36 day cycle I'd never had before! or at least that's the only thing I did differently that cycle I could 'blame' it on! @ReeRi that must have been so difficult, I'm glad you managed to enjoy yourself as much as possible tho. I did manage to enjoy the weekend before it but the actual day was rather depressing! the whole thing is mind you. I know, we are kind of getting a lot of the milestones over in a oner which is tough but come Jan I'll be glad of it. Trying to find little ways to remember him, I love when people send me cards & they have included my sons name on it too, it's little things like that that keep me going reallySmile

Original poster
ReeRi · 10/12/2019 21:32

That is strange @booandbumpp I usually use pregnacare and a couple of weeks ago starting using the Boots pregnancy vitamin so wondered if that’s anything to do with it but unlikely?! Like we need the stress of wondering why we don’t have a normal period lol. I really hope 2020 is our year.

Thanks @lunamoon1 oh that’s rough. I hope you managed to enjoy your birthday in some way. I had a birthday less than a month after I lost my daughter so that was tough but I managed to have a nice day with some friends who had come to visit. It’s hard as we’ll always miss our baby who should be with us but some way we have to find a way to enjoy life without them. I think the firsts are probably the hardest - our first birthday without them, Christmas, their first birthday...

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lunamoon1 · 10/12/2019 09:16

@ReeRi why do our bodies play up when we need them the most, typical! at least it has finally arrived, sorry this wasn't your month tho, it's always hard to face! & for you too @booandbumpp but praying we all get our BFPs very soon🤞🏼

It's just an emotional month all in all really, I'll be glad to get it out the way. It was my birthday the other day too and to be honest it was miserable, I didn't want it to come at all, I tried my best to be cheery but I had a lot of messages wishing me a 'fantastic day' and although I know the messages were sincere, in my head they just sounded so sarcastic! How am I meant to have a fantastic day when my baby isn't here. I guess that's just life after loss, a whole new meaning!

booandbumpp · 10/12/2019 08:43

Thats weird @ReeRi - my cycles are 28 -31 days. The last 2 have been 36 days! It's like TTC makes mine go weird.
AF is here for me finally.
Maybe 2020 will be the year x

Original poster
ReeRi · 09/12/2019 10:50

Hi @lunamoon1 I’m ok thanks. AF seems to be coming now. It’s about time as I’m on CD37 and usually have 30 day cycles! So not sure what’s going on there... Ho are you?

Hope everyone else is ok

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lunamoon1 · 09/12/2019 09:48

@ReeRi how are you feeling now? that's good you managed to get yourself back into work. I know I can understand it must be hard to want to be with your family but having to go to the in-laws, thankfully I'll be spending most of the day with my family, it's just a bit more comfortable. Did AF finally arrive for you? It's horrible being in limbo!

How is everyone else? Hope everyone had a good weekend

Original poster
ReeRi · 06/12/2019 08:29

Thanks @lunamoon1 I was sure I replied on here yesterday but can’t see it now 🤔 I’m ok. It did me good to have a day at home yesterday and not have to do the daily commute at least. It’s my Christmas party tonight I don’t think I’ll be going but I am on my way to work.

I plan to see my parents and brother (who are local) maybe on the Sunday and then we may visit my husband’s family on the Saturday as they are a 2.5 hour drive away so it will probably still end up that we see everyone. In way now I feel I’ll miss seeing my parents on Christmas Day but we’ll probably just have dinner together another day... We are both off from 20th too and I go back on 6th...

In other news AF is four days late and I got another BFN on FRER today so not sure what’s going on there but it would have been positive by now if I was even a bit pregnant...

Hope everyone else is ok

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lunamoon1 · 05/12/2019 13:36

@ReeRi oh dear, that sounds rubbish! Lots of rest & fluids hopefully you'll be feeling better soon. Possibly if it's ones you haven't taken before, they can be so harsh. It's such an odd feeling, and I feel guilty for it in a way. So rubbish. We are just laying low going between DH's family & my own, nothing too much planned we just want to take it easy and do things when we feel up to it. Thankfully DH is off from around the 20th so will have a lot of time to spend together which I'm looking forward to. Do you have plans apart from Edinburgh?

Original poster
ReeRi · 05/12/2019 08:32

@lunamoon1 My tooth isn’t too bad now actually. I think I did the right thing by goi to the dentist when I did as I’ve already been taking antibiotics and hopefully it is ok in a few days

I actually woke up in the night really unwell though not sure what that’s about. I had stomachache and backache and think I fainted in the bathroom! I wonder if it’s the antibiotics so will have to look up the side effects.

I feel like that often. Sometimes it’s hard to imagine I went through nine months of pregnancy and had a baby. It’s rubbish. What are your plans for Christmas?

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lunamoon1 · 04/12/2019 23:20

@ReeRi I guess so, I heard bad things about FRER's throwing weird lines too so trying not to read into it too much! It does, it must have been so difficult to feel joy like that again for it to be taken away so quickly. I agree I find pregnant people so hard to deal with it just want to shout at them 'you might not get to bring your baby home!' which makes me sound a little mad but that's our reality I guess. Bless you, toothache is the hardest pain to manage sometimes, so sore, hope you are doing okay! Oh dear, it really just adds insult to injury.

I feel like the whole of December is going to be emotional. I'm in denial mode at the moment, I stared at a picture of my little boy today & I can't actually believe he was & is mine, in that state of feeling like I was never actually pregnant or had a baby, it's such a strange feeling. Hoping tomorrow it will be gone tho. The waves of grief I guess!

Original poster
ReeRi · 04/12/2019 08:59

Me too @booandbumpp Could you have ovulated late? I don’t wa t to get your hopes up but I have also read FRERs can sometimes be dodgy so don’t give up hope!

DH and I can’t do the BD for a few weeks as hes just had his op so if I’m not pregnant this cycle then we will be taking the next cycle off TTC and eating and drinking what I want for Christmas!

@lunamoon1 I hope you’re ok. I think a positive is a positive but can MC at any time and it’s quite common in the early days, as rubbish as it is. I think if we didn’t test early we just wouldn’t know. With my CP in August I got an early positive and then it got darker but then a few days later I started cramping and bleeding but if I hadn’t tested I’d have thought it was slightly late AF although more crampy. Hope that makes sense. I like being back at work. I feel like my old self. I don’t like hearing people talking about their pregnant wife or seeing the pregnant lady walking around if I’m being very honest but I deal with it and it has been really good for me. I know everyone is different though. I always loved work so maybe that is part of it. I’m looking forward to the Christmas break to though even though I’ve decided I don’t want a traditional Christmas Day without my daughter. I’ve enjoyed gift shopping for my loved ones.

I’m so emotional. I don’t know if it christmas or my hormones or the fact my tooth hurts. Went to the dentist yesterday with toothache and i have an abscess and need a root canal. I’m booked in for 31 December 🙄👍

Hope everyone is ok

OP posts:
lunamoon1 · 03/12/2019 23:45

@LilacIris thank you for sharing, wishing you all the best.

@ReeRi it's so frustrating isn't it, hope you are feeling okay. I have looked back on the tests I took pics of as there was an almost definite line on 3 of the FRER's, so now thinking it was maybe a chemical as AF is heavier/more painful than usual, although I don't know if it's possible to have a chemical which barely shows on a test & then for AF to arrive to quickly after, either way it was not my month, don't know why I'm reading into it so much. I think I'd go back part time. That's good you managed to ease yourself back in. How are you finding full time work now?

@booandbumpp I'm with you on grudging the money spent on tests, the things we do to ourselves. You never know tho, don't lose all hope. Hope you manage to find some comfort over the Christmas period even in the little things.

booandbumpp · 03/12/2019 17:11

@ReeRi I think there should probably be a shimmer of a line - I used a FRER 4 days early. I didn't do it first thing in the AM though. It was a double pack so I will probably end up POAS on CD31 if AF doesn't appear before then!

Original poster
ReeRi · 03/12/2019 16:43

Oh it’s rubbish isn’t it @booandbumpp Could it be too early for you to test?

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booandbumpp · 03/12/2019 16:00

I caved and POAS yesterday (CD 27). BFN - but I could still convince myself if I squinted with one eyes shut I could see a shadow of a line (it was definitely a BFN). I'm a plonker and I've wasted £8 on FRER now ha. Never mind I guess.
I'm already writing off December. DP and I probably won't be in a very sexy mood as we're already quite sad at the thought of Christmas without teddy so I'm tapping out till the new year too.
Hope everyone else is ok x

Original poster
ReeRi · 03/12/2019 14:38

I’m ok @lunamoon1 I have been testing since last Wednesday and had mostly BFNs but had a hint of a squinter last night on a cheap Boots test but the line was in a funny place (quite far to one side) so maybe a dodgy test. AF is due today altho I think I ovulated late. Going back to work in Jam is a good idea. Don’t rush anything. Will you go back full time or have a phased return? I went back with 36 days hol to use in 6 months so started off working four days weeks using annual leave on Wednesdays.

OP posts:
LilacIris · 03/12/2019 13:29

@lunamoon1 It took almost three months for my period to return and then three further cycles for me to conceive again so in total it was five and a half months for the period at the start of the cycle where I conceived and six calendar months from her birth until I ovulated.

lunamoon1 · 03/12/2019 13:19

@ReeRi I guess you're right, at least I will know for next cycle and hopefully be able to keep back from the tests a few days longer. I think 6 months seems like a good amount of time, I'm going to leave it until the end of Jan and then see where my head is at then, too much with Christmas and the New Year to think of all that yet. I'm glad it ended up working out well for you. They are, well the team I work with are great they are so supportive and have told me to take as long as I need. It's daunting tho. How are you doing?🤞🏼

@LilacIris thank you for sharing your story, I'm so sorry you lost your daughter but glad you have a baby at home with you now. How long after losing your daughter did you conceive again, if you don't mind my asking?

@Blippolbblopp thank you so much, I can imagine, there's something about losing your first which is especially hard as life just seems to 'carry on' as before which is hard to deal with, I was preparing for it to change in so many wonderful ways, and it did, but not as I expected it & certainly not along with this heartache I now have. I hope your other DC bring you some comfort. Thank you!x

Blippolbblopp · 02/12/2019 15:39

lunamoon1 when i opened the thread i only read the OP's highlighted posts, i have read the full thread now and im sorry about your DS, i hope your get your bfp very soon

The pain never goes away does it, i have my 2 DC to focus on now, but when they wernt here i was so desperate for a baby i could keep, it consumed me

Its daft things like only setting out 2 bowls in the morning when there should be 3, only having 2 DC in the picture instead of 3, no your right it doesnt go away, you just learn to cope your best with it

ReeRi Yes you are right, we will always be connected to our babies. I know what you mean because i still do it, i always imagine what he would be doing now, who he would be. I hope your 2nd baby comes along very soon for you

I have been trying for my 4th Dc for nearly 2 years now and i am so grateful i have my 2DC because i remember feeling this urgency when i had no living babies, its horrible

I hope you both get your rainbow babies very soon x