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Original poster

TTC after baby loss / stillbirth

335 replies

ReeRi · 25/09/2019 15:07

I’m mid-thirties. My first child was stillborn at full term early this year. My second pregnancy, around 6 months later, ended in early miscarriage.

I’m now on CD21 and about 5DPO.

Anyone else?

I find some of the TTC boards hard to relate to as they’re either those who have never suffered a loss or those who have had early losses / RMC or general fertility issues. I am not trying to compare losses. Any loss is difficult but I know for me my miscarriage at 5 weeks did not even register compared to losing a baby at full term. It was disappointing but more so because I wanted to be pregnant and wasn’t any more.

OP posts:
booandbumpp · 23/12/2019 07:41

@ReeRi when do you go away? We thought about it but I have to work on the 27th so couldn't really book to go away.

@Shefliesonherownwings I'm sorry that the post mortem didn't give you any answers. It must have been painful (and still be painful).
And I'm sorry about your dad. Yes - we've had a common theme of people reminding us that "we're not the only ones that are upset/grieving". It's beside the point. Our grief, as parents, is so much bigger than any grandparents/aunts/uncle.
My mums partner tried to tell me that my mum was grieving me too because i went into hiding a couple of months after teddy died (when the shock wore off). I reminded him I wasn't dead (my mum didn't want him to send the message, he did it of his own stupid volition and we have t spoken to him since).
I don't think there is anything wrong with going NC with people who interrupt your grief and try and make it about themselves.

He's a goldendoodle! He's going to be called Barney. I can't wait to bring him home.

Shefliesonherownwings · 22/12/2019 21:17

Hello, we are also having a tough time here. Like you @ReeRi I am struggling with thoughts of what should have been. I was so looking forward to dressing up our DD and everyone spoiling her. I hate going out and seeing all the christmas stuff but staying in is worse. Be kind to yourself and your husband, it's inevitable you will take your feelings out on each other. I'm sure your MIL will understand you needed to speak to someone else in that moment. When do you go away?

We had the post mortem through on Friday which gave no answers for DDs passing. It's made me feel worse. I was hoping for an explanation and hoping it would help me deal with it. But now I feel like it is all so pointless as we have no idea what happened and will never know.

Also like your DH @booandbumpp I am struggling with my dad. He is very self involved and was pretty horrible to me the night before DDs funeral this week as I told him to stop making things about himself. He basically told me that other people are upset and he's having to walk on eggshells around me. I told him how i felt about it all yesterday and he has again failed to take responsibility for his own actions and basically blames me saying I just take everything out on him. I will be NC from now on. I'm sorry you are dealing with the same. I hope you manage to have an ok day and enjoy your new puppy, what breed are you getting?

Original poster
ReeRi · 22/12/2019 20:54

I hope you enjoy it as much as you can @booandbumpp As you know, we didn’t want to do Christmas either so we are going away but I’m looking forward to that in a way. Enjoy your puppy! I’m sure puppy cuddles will give you some comfort xx

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booandbumpp · 22/12/2019 19:55

Hi all - I'm still alive. We're getting a puppy tomorrow and that is pretty much the only thing that's keeping me going. We're ignoring Christmas this year and are going to lock the doors.
We're very sad - and DP is having some trouble with his family. They're feeling "ostracised" from him because he doesn't want to speak to them much and don't feel supported by them since our sons death (his brother didn't speak to him for 3 months after Teddy died because he was angry with DP because their mum is taking it all really badly and DP isn't supporting her).
So yes - no family, just puppy this year.
I hope everyone has as peaceful Christmas as is possible for them.

Original poster
ReeRi · 21/12/2019 14:59

Hi @lunamoon1 Sorry I didn’t get around to replying last time. I don’t really follow any social media that much. I’m having a bad day today. I has an argument with DH which I think was mainly my fault as I came home from yoga feeling down and in a bad mood but he didn’t react well so it escalated into a horrible argument. I ended up calling MIL pretty much in the middle of the argument (I sometimes call her to talk as my mum can be judgment and will decide she doesn’t like DH if I am annoyed with him) but she obviously didn’t know what to say and I just feel awkward now but I think I’m having trouble coping today and maybe she would see that...

Christmas is hard. I’m thinking back to last Christmas when I was nearly 8 months pregnant. A guy who works on my floor is having a baby with his wife and she was being induced yesterday. Hearing the conversation and emails and cards about it were tough. I find myself mentally almost going “la la la” in my head so I can’t hear. There’s a pregnant woman on my floor too. I think I haven’t slept well the last couple of weeks so I’ve been tired and maybe feeling down as a result but it’s just a bit difficult.

BUT I have also enjoyed buying Christmas gifts and we are going to Edinburgh in a few days (if we don’t keep arguing!)

How are you?

How is everyone else?

OP posts:
lunamoon1 · 21/12/2019 14:46

How is everyone getting on? Sending love⭐️

lunamoon1 · 17/12/2019 15:06

@ReeRi my mum says tho n S like that sometimes too, like can you really remember? That must be so hard when people say that sort of stuff to you, I don't know I feel as if people should know better tho, people really need to think before they speak! when it comes to the topic of children anyway, I guess those with children just assume it's a given in life & don't think about what it would be like for them not to be here anymore, I mean... why should they really. I saw a mother with a beautiful baby today in the supermarket and that almost set me off, standing there with empty arms looking at her smiling at the baby... to me she looked like the luckiest woman in the world & she didn't even know it. It took all I had not to say something but also I didn't want to cry at her lol.

I don't know if any of you follow/know of Malin Andersson, she posted a video online today about baby loss awareness around Christmas time, coping ect and I thought it was lovely to hear from someone with experience but also a big social following to speak out about the topic. I'll be thinking of all of our babies when I light a candle for my little one on Christmas Day too x

Original poster
ReeRi · 16/12/2019 16:31

@lunamoon1 Yes it is slightly frustrating as it is important. funny thing was my mum said “no she’s no 6lb4 as she’s heavier than you were” and I was saying can you really remember, it was nearly 35 years ago?!

I’m sorry you’re feeling down. It is hard. People make comments about their kids and it makes me sad. Like today someone at work has his kids (teenagers) full time now as they went to live with him recently from their mum’s house and I said it’s nice he has them for Christmas and he said “You keep saying it’s nice but it’s not really as you’ll find out soon enough” or something but I thought it a bit insensitive. He was joking but I was thinking you are lucky to have your kids at Christmas, not only alive but with you! I know he didn’t mean anything. Another colleague said she didn’t mind what her daughter did “as long as she is living and breathing” and comments like that bother me slightly but what can I do?! If I’m oversensitive then I suppose that is my issue and I can’t expect other people to understand...

I hope we all manage to have a nice Christmas even in not great circumstances. I will be thinking of all of our babies who are not with us.

OP posts:
lunamoon1 · 16/12/2019 10:39

@ReeRi are you feeling any better after the weekend? It's such a tiring time in general, I woke up crying this morning before my day had even begun... not a great start! I feel like this is going to happen a lot in the next 2 weeks. It sounds like your DD was probably 6lb4, it's confusing now that they use kgs too. I wish health professionals would take more care with things like that too sometimes, as knowing your DD's weight is such an important thing. I so agree with needing to remember who is still here and to try to enjoy the day as best we can. I'm trying not to be too down for DH's sake as he has helped me through this amazingly, I want to do all I can to be positive for him.

@Shefliesonherownwings I totally understand, your arms feel so empty so quickly, and no one can be the judge of when you decide to try again, it's so so personal! sending you lots of strength for the funeral, it's such a hard day, but you will get through it for your daughter. I look back on my sons funeral now and feel like it was a total outer body experience, I don't know how we did it... but we did. I agree with what Ree said too, we actually had a really calm, peaceful day filled with lots of remembering and laughs, it was one of the most important days of my life (I hope that doesn't sound too strange) I know you will get there too. Can I say I I love her name, it's beautiful!

Original poster
ReeRi · 15/12/2019 22:31

@shefliesonherownwings That’s a lovely name. That’s so heartbreaking and sorry I thought you said you had had the funeral on Wednesday. I hope it goes well. Will you be having many people there? I know what you mean. None of use think we’ll be planning a funeral on maternity leave but actually in some way I found it helpful to be able to do something for her like plan her funeral, pick the songs, the wording for her plaque, what she’d wear. I even bought a toy for her, a jellyfish elephant, and one for us to keep. I wanted to buy her a toy because I’m her mum and she’s my little girl. I worried about the funeral too but I actually think it went as well as it could have and it wasn’t a horrible day, which sounds weird as it was my daughter’s funeral, but by then I had accepted she had gone (as much as you can) and just wanted to do my best by her. I’ll be thinking of you and Isla on Wednesday.

My DD weight 6lb4 we think (MW said “she is X kg which I think is 6lb9” but then we put said kg into converter and it was 6lb4 so I don’t know for sure which is annoying but I weighed 6lb4 which is sweet.

I hope Christmas is ok for you. It probably won’t be as bad as we think. I feel better having planned something but then again I’ve enjoyed Christmas shopping and buying things for my loved ones. I think sometimes it’s important to remember who is still with us. But if you wanted to spend more time alone I think anyone would understand that.

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Shefliesonherownwings · 15/12/2019 21:49

@ReeRi thank you. We named her Isla and she was a wee 5 pounds 11. She was absolutely perfect and just looked like she was asleep. One minute her heartbeat was strong and then in the space of an hour she passed away. We are struggling to understand it all.

The funeral is this Wednesday coming. We are having her cremated. It is such a personal decision but for us we didn't like the thought of her being in the ground plus we feel comforted knowing we will have her ashes at home with us. I am thinking of a special shelf in what would have been her room with her name above and a picture of us and our cat next to her. I am actually really dreading the funeral, I just don't want to be doing any of this but I am also determined to give her the best send off possible.

Like you I wanted to just go away for christmas and ignore it all. We imagined dressing her up in a little christmas pudding outfit and her being thoroughly spoiled by everyone. We will go to my inlaws on Christmas day as my SIL and BIL are here from Oz but I've said to DH I may just come home after a short while if I am struggling. Luckily we live 5 mins walk away. We will see my parents on boxing day who are about 45 mins away. I'd rather just stay in bed on christmas and boxing day but I need to try and see people even if just for a little while. It's just so hard as this is not how we imagined things would be.

Original poster
ReeRi · 15/12/2019 19:15

@shanine I thought I would try to tag you on here. The penguin huddle is great but there are a few ladies on here who have sadly experienced later pregnancy and baby loss

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Original poster
ReeRi · 15/12/2019 15:37

@Shefliesonherownwings I think we all understand that need to fill our arms. We can’t replace the babies we lost of course but I think, maybe more so if it’s your first, you get pregnant and go through nine months of pregnancy and give birth and you are a mum but with no baby at home. It’s very strange. I hope the funeral went as well as it could. Did you have a burial? We buried our daughter and it can be comforting to have somewhere to visit but I know lots of people who have cremated their babies and have comfort from having their babies with them. If you want to talk about your DD then please do. My daughter was wrapped in her cord all over her body and that say that’s what caused her death but before labour. Do you have any plans for Christmas? It must be difficult so close to your loss. I think many of us dread the first Christmas without our babies so we have decided to go away as I just can’t face it xx

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Shefliesonherownwings · 15/12/2019 15:00

Thank you all. I know we are still in the very early days, we have my daughters funeral on Wednesday but from the first few days we talked about trying again. Not to replace her of course but just with our ages I don't want to leave it too long. Plus I just want a baby in my arms. We lost my DD in the early stages of labour when we were already at the hospital and everything seemed fine. Then in the blink of an eye it wasn't. We don't know what happened, we haven't had the PM results or the results of any hospital investigation. All we know is that the cord was around her neck twice and there was a lot of meconium in the waters. We don't know if the cord was the cause though.

I'm heartened by seeing positive stories on here and also it helps just being around others that have been through it and know how it all feels. I hope we can all get to that 4th trimester in the not too distant future.

Original poster
ReeRi · 15/12/2019 09:23

Thanks @Tazzle2007

@lunamoon1 I agree it’s important to find time to test. We’ve had a few busy weekends so this one is a bit quieter. I did yoga yesterday and were seeing my parents for dinner but otherwise I am having a bit of a quiet one except for cleaning a bit. I think I need it as I’m still so tired tbh

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lunamoon1 · 14/12/2019 19:58

@ReeRi I hope you manage to have a restful weekend, that's something my DH has noted lately that we always pack too much into a weekend and then he's exhausted, thankfully we are having a quiet weekend this weekend. I know they aren't for everyone, but for us it certainly felt right & whilst I'm off work I've had the time to trajn her which is great. That's sweet, sometimes having something to speak to that can't talk back is quite nice!

@Pandora71 oh gentle congratulations Pandora! Wishing you a very calm & uneventful pregnancy, and beyond of course!

@Shefliesonherownwings welcome, I'm so sorry for your loss, it is the most heartbreaking experience we will ever go through! I know I'll never be the same again after losing my son, but I knew after losing him I wanted to fill my empty arms. I was lead to believe by everything I read that I would fall pregnant straight away but although it hasn't been long I have realised it's a process you can't speed up and that it will happen when it happens, and we are here to support each other through through this tough journey! I found it a big relief almost to speak to ladies who know how I feel and get it, it's important to feel that when going through something that feels so foreign. I hope you are doing as well as you can💖

@Tazzle2007 I hope you are doing okay, fingers crossed it says at bay and it's reassuring that your doctor isn't concerned about it!

Tazzle2007 · 14/12/2019 19:48

Thankyou I’ll take a look at that! Also I just wanted to let you know I’m 37 and got pregnant 7 weeks after stopping the pill. So there is hope at our age xx

Original poster
ReeRi · 14/12/2019 19:29

@Tazzle2007 There is a very supportive thread for pregnancy after loss that I’d thought I’d share as you might find it useful. I know @Pandora71 has found it too

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/3767241-The-Graduates-of-TTC-after-pregnancy-loss-thread-6-The-Penguin-Huddle?pg=2&order=

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Original poster
ReeRi · 14/12/2019 19:24

@Shefliesonherownwings I’m so sorry you lost your daughter. It is so early for you. I lost mine at 40 weeks well actually the day before she was due and then was induced after that. It so rubbish. I can’t imagine giving birth and expecting to give birth to a healthy baby and then losing her. Having your first child is such a magical and exciting time and for this to happen is horrible. Of course you are welcome here. I am taking a bit of a break from TTC probably just for Christmas and then will see how things go but just take your time. I am nearly 36 too. It’s so frustrating as I was 34 when I got pregnant and gave birth to my daughter and now all of a sudden I’m 36 but I don’t believe our fertility declines massively overnight. Have you had any indications of what might have been the issue?

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Tazzle2007 · 14/12/2019 19:13

@Pandora71 congratulations I’m 8 weeks and also terrified as they found a cyst in my ovary. I’m so so sick at the moment. Xx

Shefliesonherownwings · 14/12/2019 18:46

Ladies can I tentatively join this thread? It has only been 5 weeks since my DH and I lost our DD at 41 weeks during labour. We aren't trying again just yet, I haven't had my 6 week check and we will probably wait for a meeting with the consultant about the Post mortem which will be in the new year. After that we will hopefully try again. I started my period this week, first one after our loss and am going to measure my cycles to get an idea of the length. I just turned 36 so am conscious of time ticking away and as DD was our first I want to try again fairly soon.

I have finally found a group I fit in with though and hope you don't mind me being here. It helps to be amongst those that have been through similar and I wish you all lots or luck with trying. X

Original poster
ReeRi · 14/12/2019 16:19

Oh @Pandora71 gentle congratulations to you, I wish you a healthy pregnancy although I’m sure you will be anxious x

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Pandora71 · 14/12/2019 15:24

Hi everyone. Just a small note to say I’m pregnant. 6 weeks and terrified.

Original poster
ReeRi · 14/12/2019 14:00

@lunamoon1 I’m ok. I’ve been a bit tried this week as probably haven’t had as much sleep as I’d like and feel worse because of it, tired, irritable and low but hoping the weekend will help me refresh a bit and then I just have this week at work before Christmas.

I think animals can be very comforting. I don’t have any pets in the house and I’m trying to avoid it (DH wants a dog) but I do have two rabbits in the garage 😬 They do cheer me up when I’m around them! Sometimes it helps just to have someone / something else to focus on and look after

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lunamoon1 · 14/12/2019 12:10

@ReeRi doing okay thank you, muddling through really! how are you?

@booandbumpp sorry you are feeling low, it's such a difficult time of year. We got a puppy not too long after our son passed away and I can honestly say it's the best thing we have done, she is such a light in our lives & we really would be lost without her! I hope you feel the same when you get yours

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