TTC after baby loss / stillbirth

@lunamoon1 I told you her too sometimes. Yes she would have been 1 in Feb. I want to do something but I don’t know what. I don’t want to “celebrate” because she’s not here but I want to mark the occasion. One small thing, which I know anyone else but maybe you ladies, would probably think strange. But I want the get a pink helium balloon with a number 1. For some reason I want to get one and bring it home. I don’t know why. It’s like my little show of love for her. But then I imagine buying it and the lady in the shop asking who it’s for or someone coming over and thinking I’m mad! We also still need to get a headstone sorted and I had wanted it down before her 1st birthday but maybe if we get it sorted around that time that would be something... I am wondering who will actually remember of my family and friends... These dates can be so hard can’t they?

@Shefliesonherownwings after my PP bleed it took nearly 9 weeks for my AF to return (which nearly drove me to insanity!) & then after one short 26 day cycle they seem to have settled back into my usual 28-30 day cycles, but everyone is so different it's hard to know how your body will react. How are you doing?

@BunnytheBlueWhale that's a lovely thought, I do smile too but it's usually followed by a tear or two. I finally have the strength to talk to him now out loud, which sometimes makes me feel a little mad lol but I enjoy it. That must have been incredibly difficult but like you said it would have been good to have that focus and that project. Certainly, staying sane is the goal of 2020 for me! would your DD have been turning 1 in Feb? Do you have any thoughts as to marking the occasion? I know everyone does these things so differently. Hope you are feeling okay this bleak Jan week! I'm looking forward to it being over.

It’s so tough to think about what could have been @lunamoon1 Sometimes I can actually smile to myself imagining my little girl in my arms or by my side and other times it really upsets me.

We moved here in March less than two weeks after our DD funeral so it was a strange time to move but it was good for us in a way. Sad because we chose the house expecting her to be with us and then moved alone but it was good to have a change of scene and a project.

I think focussing on things other than TTC is really important just in case it doesn’t happen immediately and to keep us sane!

@Shefliesonherownwings My experience was similar to yours in that I bled for a couple of weeks after giving birth but AF cake I think 26 days after birth and lasted for 8 days. My cycle lengths then varies from about 26 days to 35 days but I think the first one was the longest. They started to even out to around 27 days but they are still not completely regular. I had a v early MC in August do that could have something to do with it but I think it takes time for you cycle to settle down

I should say though that my first period after losing Isla last 11 days so I wondered if there might be a bigger gap between the first and second ones.

Ladies can I ask how long it took your periods to return to a consistent length after losing your babies?

My first period started 4 and a half weeks after losing Isla and was only s couple of days after lochia stopped. If my cycles were to return to the length they were before I got pregnant AF should have appeared today. No signs at all though.

I know it will most likely be irregular for a while but I just wondered how long it took your cycles to settle down?

@BunnytheBlueWhale yes the weather up north is more suited to spring/summer visits that's for sure! that's so lovely to hear of others having successful pregnancies after a loss but it does emphasis exactly where we want to be which is difficult. I have realised I need to stop putting my life on hold waiting to get pregnant again, I was under this illusion it would happen super quick after losing our DS and that just isn't the case, so I'm going to try to carry on with life as much as possible & if we get pregnant then great (don't get me wrong you'll still catch me tracking, just more casually than before). we have a big family wedding abroad in the summer and another one not long after, so that will keep us busy. Doing up the house will be a fun project! Have you been in that house a while?

This January lull is getting to me more so today, woke up with the heaviest heart I've had in a while & I can't stop thinking about how different life would have been if DS had made it through the recovery side of his op and how truly unfair it all is... it's tough. I hope everyone is coping okay⭐️

@lunamoon1 I can imagine it is busy! I would go back and was thinking maybe I would go for New Year next time so as to do things a bit differently. We would also like to travel further north but I wasn’t sure christmas was the right time as the weather is more likely to be difficult! Maybe in the Spring.

I really hope we get our BFPs soon too. I think I mentioned a friend I met through sands, who lost her baby when we lost our DD, has just had her second. Another friend has just told me she’s pregnant with her second baby. Well she had a MMC and has had a son since then and now pregnant again. I am so happy for them but just hope it happens for us too!

Do you have plans for any getaways this year? We are doing up the house so I don’t think I’ll be spending a lot of money on holidays but definitely up for a few UK breaks. And I have friend probably getting married this year so that might be a trip away for hen do or wedding as they are likely to get married abroad

@BunnytheBlueWhale yes we lived there for 2 years, it was lovely! We have done New Year there it is amazing but soo busy, even more so than Christmas. We're keen to go further North too, up to the highlands and things, have never explored Scotland as much as I would like! That's a good idea, providing they run well the trains are great and so relaxing watching the countryside pass by. It is daunting! Doing okay tho, keeping busy.

Holding out lots of hope that we will all have our BFP's soon!x

@riceandwhisky congratulations. Those feelings all sound perfectly natural. Now that we all know what can go wrong it is hard to enjoy pregnancy again. I too hope that over time some of the anxiety eases off. I'm really pleased for you, it's great to hear about others getting their BFP, it certainly gives me hope. Wishing you all the best for the next few months. X

@lunamoon1 I would absolutely go back and I’d recommend it. Have you been? We won’t for Christmas this time and I’d consider going for New Year next year. I’d like to go further north too. There were great places to eat, nice places to walk and shop, the hotel was lovely... so yes maybe next year! Also we don’t usually travel by train and I got a TwoTogether railcard for us to get a 1/3 off this trip so we’re thinking we will try to do more trips by train this year. I am kind of looking forward to going back to work as I quite enjoy it and I’m getting the point where I feel a bit bored. I think you’ll be fine without your DH but it is daunting. I remember when I was on mat leave and my DH went back to work and I was so worried but I soon got used to it and enjoyed the time alone xx

@BunnytheBlueWhale I'm so glad you enjoyed Edinburgh, would you go back? It's a lovely place in the summer too if the weather is good (but that's a big if)! It's madness the time between Christmas, New Year and just after. Are you looking forward to going back to work? I've loved having my DH off work with me, a bit worried for how ill feel on Monday going back to being on my own again for longer periods of time, but I coped before so I know I'll cope again. I am the same, trying to get the house in order again but it takes some effort I just don't have!

@riceandwhisky gentle congratulations, what a lovely way to end a very difficult 2019, it's only natural to be filled with emotions and anxiety around this pregnancy. I hope we time goes on those feelings turn into more positive ones and you can enjoy yourself a bit more. Wishing you a very straight forward, uneventful pregnancy which ends in seeing you bring home your baby in 2020⭐️🌈

Oh congratulations to you @riceandwhisky (I have NC by the way but am the OP) I wish you all the best in your pregnancy x

Hi ladies,

I hope you had a lovely Christmas and Happy New Year

I've been holding off posting here for a little while as I know that everyone is going through a tough time and likewise I went through a whirlwind of emotions. I got a BFP a few weeks ago and since had a booking appointment and an early reassurance scan early next week. I guess I just wanted to tone down the anxiety in my head where for some reason I'm panicking everything is going to go horribly wrong.

I'm keeping positive, somehow and even re-downloaded some of my pregnancy apps. One of them set me back as it restored all my data from when I was pregnant with Mia and she would have been the size of a small pumpkin by now...

Slowly getting excited again and hoping that this time round, everything will be okay.

I'm wishing you all BFPs this New Year. And thank you, on this or other thread, for giving me a space to vent in the past 6 months.

@lunamoon1 That must have been tough. I have enjoyed having a Christmas away from everything. We had the week in Edinburgh and since then a week home alone and that’s been nice. Back to work on Monday but I’m already at the point where I feel like I need to be doing something - saying that, I have things to do but I’m now sitting on the sofa watching TV 😬

Happy new year ladies, I hope it was kind💫

@BunnytheBlueWhale I found NY hard too, we spent it with family & friends which was nice but the whole festive season is difficult. My SIL has a baby a few months younger than our DS would be & I found myself getting very overwhelmed with the amount of time we all had to spend together. It was nice at times but also very difficult, I'm looking forward to some time back in our own house taking it easy. I pray that 2020 will be a kinder year for us all, we more than need it🙏🏼

Happy New Year to you all. I felt a bit emotional last night as the clock his midnight and we were watching BBC. It hit me that we’d had our DD in early 2019 and she felt further away as we went into 2020. I was also remembering last New Years Eve when we thought 2019 was going to be the best year of our lives as we’d get to meet her. And we did. But I couldn’t have known she wouldn’t stay with us.

Thanks for your support over the past few weeks / months. I know 2019 has been hard for many of us but I am hopeful for 2020 x

I’m glad you had a nice Christmas @lunamoon1 Edinburgh was great. It was such a lovely place and we managed to do something different every day with different walks and meals and my standard Boxing Day shopping but this time in Edinburgh! It was nice to go on the train as well. DH and I usually go everywhere in the car but this was a nice change.

You are right that we should be proud of ourselves for being strong, sometimes just for carrying on and for being here to support each other as well. I do find it helps to have met you all who (very unfortunately) understand what it’s like to lose a baby x

Do you have plans for New Year?

Hi ladies, sorry I have been quite, we had such a busy Christmas which was lovely but very tiring. Our son was so much a part of our day with both our families so it was as nice a day as it could be. I hope you all had as nice a day as possible, whether it was escaping or embracing it.

@BunnytheBlueWhale how was Edinburgh? I hope you had a lovely time!

@Shefliesonherownwings I felt it a lot at the table too, there will always be an empty seat sadly.

Hoping for a brighter, more joyful 2020 for us all, what we have faced this past year is something no one should have to face, but here we are trying again and living life the best we can for our angels. We should all be so proud of ourselves, which I know isn't easy sometimes x

I have NC, I am the OP and was Ree...

@Shefliesonherownwings I had never been to Scotland before but it really was lovely. As for New Year I don’t usually do much in terms of staying out and drinking but have always thought it is nice to do something. Like you 2019 was going to be our year, it was the year our daughter would come into the world. Unfortunately things didn’t go as planned but that makes me more hopeful for 2020, if that makes sense? I will always miss our DD and I think her first birthday will be difficult but it is quite amazing to think that we could have a baby at home with us by this time next year. I don’t like to get too caught up with timescales though as they can put pressure on us. I almost want to celebrate the New Year to mark the end of this year and encourage something positive next year! I don’t have any plans though. We might got to my parents’ for dinner on NYE or NYD as that’s what we would have done on Christmas Day. If we’re not there on NYE then I’d like to go to the cinema or to the pub or something though.

Do you have plans?

With our DD we didn’t track at all and I was only very loosely TTC. We had decided to have a baby but I wasn’t even taking folic acid so I must have thought it wasn’t going to happen yet, if that makes any sense. I don’t know how long we were trying though, maybe 6 months. I was 33-34 then though and now I’m 35 I’m conscious of my age.

I think maybe in January I won’t track but will just try to dtd as much as possible. I’ll see how we feel as it can get stressful but I have lots of plans and goals for 2020 and I feel like having other things to focus on means I’m less likely to be so obsessed with TTC!

It makes perfect sense, I completely understand what you mean. Particularly during dinner I was struck by the feeling that Isla should have been next to us asleep or being fed. We tried to treat it just like any other day which helped. I think we'll do the same for NYE. I thought 2019 would be our best year ever but it's turned out to be the worst. I'm planning to be asleep before midnight and I'm hoping 2020 will be better.

Your trip sounds lovely and probably just what you needed. Shamefully I've never been to Scotland but would love to go, I bet it's lovely this time of year too.

With Isla I only started some basic tracking during Cycle 2 and that's when we fell pregannt with her so I haven't done much of it before but I know I am likely to get way too obsessive so I'm hoping taking a more relaxed approach for a couple of months will help.

How are you doing now? Do you have amy plans for NYE?

Hi @ReeRi yesterday and Christmas Day were actually better than I thought. I was dreading it but we were at my in laws and they were lovely. It was low key which was what I wanted. There were teary moments and I did feel really guilty when I was enjoying myself but it was ok in the end. Unfortunately I think it's hit me today that this isn't how we should be celebrating Christmas and it has been a very low day for both of us.

I had my six week check up on Monday and was signed off by the doctor. DH and I actually DTD this week for the first time. It wasn't planned but just happened and it wasn't as painful as I had thought it might be. It was actually nice to be close like that again. We've decided we'll just see what happens and won't use any contraception and probably from March look at tracking things more closely in terms of trying again.

How are you doing?.