TTC after baby loss / stillbirth

Thanks @lunamoon1 I think I’ve had a better week generally and the anxiety about DD birthday has passed but I think sometimes it’s easy to almost forget how much we’ve been through and then I find it it’s me! How are you?

@Shefliesonherownwings I’m sorry things are difficult with your Dad. Is it tomorrow you go away?

I’m leaning towards going to the hen do as doing more fun things with friends is actually exactly what I need. I have said I’m up for it but this is subject to what they say. I also have a friend in Dubai so I thought I’d see her while I’m there. I’m sure they won’t mind that. I’m not a big drinker or anything so it might be nice to have a night off tbh. That’s sounds so bad but I can be a bit of an introvert and the idea of even a plane ride with girls I don’t know sounds exhausting let alone a week! But I know I’m just being uptight probably and will probably have a great time.

Never apologise @BunnytheBee, that's what this place is here for! We all need a good rant every now and then. Sounds like your work place is tough to be around at the moment. Lots of people just not thinking before speaking. It sucks but as @lunamoon1 says you are not unreasonable at all you are perfectly entitled to feel this way. TGIF!

@lunamoon1 don't apologise! It's nice to be crying at kind words rather than pain for once. Funnily enough I have just been to get my nails done for our trip and the salon are starting mediation classes soon so I said I'd definitely be interested in that. I did some yoga last month and I keep saying I need to do more but can't get up the energy to get organised with it.

Hopefully we'll get the roof patched next month and then look at a whole new one in the summer. Fingers crossed for no more rain!

It's my dad who is being a total arse. There's a long history of narcissistic and bullying behaviour from him but he's come into his own since we lost our DD. I received a nasty email from him at the weekend so am now NC. I'm just not sure how to have a relationship with my mum as they're still together and she defo enables him. Not exactly what I need right now.

@BunnytheBee I think you should really consider it, like @Shefliesonherownwings said you might regret it if the time comes around and you didn't arrange to go! Sounds like a good idea just doing the minimum at the moment that way you won't lose 'too' much if you have to pull out. It is amazing how many people just do not get it... it's like people just kind of 'forget' and move on with their lives and we are left behind. Don't apologise ever for posts when you need to rant, it's only natural. Sorry you feel that way, but you have every right to and you're not being unreasonable. I hope you are doing okay, you'll be so glad it's almost the weekend & hopefully can relax & forget about work (and the people in it) for a little bit. Sending love, you're not alone x

@Shefliesonherownwings sorry for that, I cry at most things now a days too, usually from the comfort of my own home mind you. The stress you are under sounds like a lot, especially with the roof, house issues are the worst! Have you ever tried yoga/meditation? It might help take the edge off even for a little bit, sorry if you have though and that's a silly suggestion. Is it close family you are having to deal with? Family issues are so intricate and can be really hard! I don't think the weather is helping our moods right now anyway, every day is so miserable and depressing, just adds insult to injury.

@Shefliesonherownwings 😁 the pot thing was quite funny at the time

So my paralegal just came over to tell me she’s asked our manager for the afternoon off as he cousin has had a baby. I just felt like I wish she hadn’t told me why. She knows how I feel and hasn’t really mentioned it to me otherwise but it has upset me. Another reminder that most people have healthy babies and get to bring their babies home and I had to give birth to a dead baby and bury her and now I’m TTC a year later. Sometimes I feel like I’m not capable of being in the office! Not often, but sometimes...

Sorry for the selfish post but thought y’all might understand

@BunnytheBee yes I have the clearblue which gives me flashing smileys and then a static one. I used them last year when we conceived DD and they were very easy to use. The ICs are much better value but I dont seem to get a positive on them so find clearblue easier. I am LOLing at your DH using the pot for screws! My DH has jo concept of what's involved in testing, doubt he's even aware of the pot in the bathroom!

In terms of the hen I would highly recommend going. It does sound like you want to and if anything, losing our DD has taught me that life is so short and if you feel up to going then do it. If you're pregnant then see how you feel closer to the time but as you say, you may regret saying no later on. As for your friend, I find people get so caught up in themselves, particularly when it's things like weddings but I would say something to her. I've started being much more forthright with people about not wanting to hear about other babies and pregnancies. It's all about self protection.

Thank you @lunamoon1 that made me cry. Doesn't take much these days! I'm really hoping I can enjoy it when I'm there and I think it will be so good for us. Both DH and I are dealing with extra stress right now, him with work and me with narcissistic family members, not to mention issues with our roof leaking. Both of us are struggling with sleep and bad dreams again so I do think a break will help us. I just need to try to manage the anxiety as best I can.

@lunamoon1 I would like to go and I’m thinking I’ll be spending the money anyway so, if I were pregnant and couldn’t go, then I would be happy and they’d be understanding. It would be more annoying if I said no and then still not pg by then. It’s end of June I think. I could see if I can just pay the minimum for now like flights. I need a new passport though because I have no idea where mine is following the move.

Annoyingly though same friend mentioned just now how many of her friends can’t go because they’ve had babies. She was literally like Ive invited these people but X just had a baby and Y just had a baby... my cousin just had a baby too.... last time I met her she was telling me someone I barely know (who worked where I used to work but at a different time) is pregnant. She obviously doesn’t realise I don’t want to hear about people I barely know having babies.

@Shefliesonherownwings how lovely, it's a better time of year for New York as it won't be roasting hot, I went in the summer as a child and all I can remember is the heat! I hope you manage to enjoy yourself and relax a little once you get there. I know it's hard every day living and doing things without our kids but I hope you manage to enjoy the time away. As cheesy as it sounds your daughter is with you whether you are sitting in your living room at home or walking the streets of New York, she will still be in the things you see/do💐

@BunnytheBee it's tricky that way, wanting people to approach you as 'normal' but then getting annoyed at the little things. I guess that's just the story of our lives; getting used to thinks that aren't the norm & life just being different for us in general. Re the hen weekend, when is it? It really does sound like you want to go.. & I don't mean this in a cheeky way but if you booked it and did end up pregnant before going & decided not to go, could you afford to lose the money? If the answer is yes then I think it's one of these things you should just go for. Dubai is an amazing place and it would be a week of relaxing & having fun. And if you did end up pregnant but had already taken the annual leave then you could just take the week off to relax anyway which is never a bad thing. That's only my view of things though, do what feels right x

@lunamoon1 I find all these conversations hard - pregnancy and babies / children being hard work. I don’t want people to walk on eggshells around me but it’s tough sometimes. I know life goes on and it try to remind myself everyone has their struggles eg my friend talks about her children but she doesn’t have her mum and that must be tough... that sort of thing.

@Shefliesonherownwings I think mine are the same as yours except they have an app but I would have thought the instructions tell you when to test. Do you use the ones where you get a flashing smiley and a static smiley? I do find it easier than ICs if only because the ICs I used, you had to pee in a pot and my DH used to take the pot and once he used it for some screws 😂

I mentioned on the other thread a friend is getting married this year and her MOH messaged me this week to say theyre thinking of a week in Dubai for the hen do. I’m in two minds. On the one hand it’s probably a lot of money for a hen do, a week’s annual leave and I don’t know them that well. I just know the hen really so it’s not like I know I’ll have a great time. Also, and again with this thing about not putting our lives on hold in case we get pregnant, if I were to get pregnant again I’m not sure I’d want to go abroad or to somewhere like Dubai. Is this something I should even be concerned about? Then on the other hand I think this is exactly what I need and if I were to get pregnant and not go for that reason surely I’d just be happy about that?! HELP me make a decision about this! I kind of want to go...

@Bunnythebee I haven't got an app. I just use the purple coloured clearblue ones. I used them last year with DD and they worked. I tried ICs last month and got confused, I never got a positive OPK. But with clearblue they seem to be clearer and I more reassuring that OV is actually happening!

@lunamoon1 we're off to New York on sunday. In truth I have a lot of anxiety about going. Crowds and lots of people make me nervous now. I'm not a great flier anyway but I am extra anxious. Plus I have a lot of guilt about going away and enjoying myself when DD isn't here. It will be good for us but I'm just nervous.

I can't imagine how hard that must be @Bunny. Yes they're talking normally but you have every right to get fed up with it and be sensitive to it. That's normal too. I know people have to go on with their lives but I wish they would have some awareness that might every around them wants to hear the details.

@BunnytheBee I'm glad you and DH feel better together, it's such an emotionally complex situation and no one can tell you what's right or wrong. I'm doing okay thank you, trying not to drive myself too mad but also don't want to get my hopes up too high (always easier said than done) thank you!

@Shefliesonherownwings thank you, trying my best not to think about it too much and thankfully as of tomorrow I have plans so once I get today I'll feel better. That's good, I always find it reassuring with OPK's and you only needed to do one to confirm. Laughing at what your DH said, you'll be able to take full advantage of the positive lol. Where are you away to? Sounds lovely

Re pregnant ladies & conversations I completely sympathise, I was in a cafe yesterday with my DH and there was about 6 mother & babies, talking about how lucky one was to have a good sleeper and how the others are so tired ect, I was thinking oh what I would give to be exhausted from my son keeping me awake at night! You have every right for it to annoy you, we are allowed to be 'overly' sensitive. Hope you are feeling okay!

I find it particularly difficult when my secretary is talking to the pregnant lady who sits near them. I find it hard hearing them talk to her and at the things she said to me. It also bothered me just now when talking about being induced and how it’s more painful etc when my experience of being indicted, knowing my baby had already died, is surely much worse. I feel angry at them for being insensitive but then I know they’re just being normal and I’m being sensitive.

I’m other news I think I’m approaching OV.

@Shefliesonherownwings Sounds like it is go time 😂 I use clear blue connect (the one with the app) and it asks me to start texting on CD8 or something. Are the ones you use like that?

@lunamoon1 fingers crossed for you over the TWW and CD 15 is great. Hope you can find something to distract yourself over the next few days?

@BunnytheBee I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. I never knew grief could be so exhausting. Too much in one day and I am totally wiped out mo wonder you've been emotionally tired after last week. Hope you're taking it easy.

After deciding not to do OPKs this month I caved this morning as I'm CD15 and just had a feeling today was ovulation day. Lo and behold static smiley came up. Told DH and he said 'does that mean it's Go day?' He's going out to a gig tonight which is bad timing but is home this afternoon so we'll try to go for some afternoon BDing. I think we'll go again on friday too to cover all bases.

Next week we are away which will be a nice distraction. Fingers crossed for all. X

@lunamoon1 I’m ok thanks. Last week was though but I feel a bit better this week and DH and I have been much more together so maybe we were both just emotionally fraught. I’m exhausted still though. Think I’m in my fertile week now. How are you? Fingers crossed for you for the 2WW🤞

Hope everyone else is ok xx

@Shefliesonherownwings hope you are feeling a bit better & your DH managed to chill out, not easy sometimes I know! Thank you so much It's so difficult isn't it, I try not to let my mind wander that far to imagine what I'd be doing right now if my son was here, it hurts too much x

@BunnytheBee thank you, how are you? you were in my thoughts around your DD's birthday, she was too although I don't know her personally. I'm glad the doctors have been proactive and doing bloods, hopefully it is just one of these things which passes in time x

I ov'ed on CD15 this cycle for the first time ever, I'm usually CD18-23 so that was a nice surprise... now the TWW begins. Sending everyone lots of baby dust and keeping my fingers crossed for us all x

Oh good @Shefliesonherownwings 🤞

@BunnytheBee, great minds! We managed to DTD at the weekend and I've had some EWCM today so suspect ovulation is imminent. I've told DH and he was keen to make the most of it. I think he's looking forward to a bit of action tonight to destress him!

I think it's normal to feel exhausted with grief. You've been building up to your DDs birthday and last week will have been very difficult. It may be that all that is catching up to you and the anxiety about last week wiped you out both before and after. Good thing to go get a blood test though, just to rule things out.

Hope everyone else is doing ok. X

Thanks @Shefliesonherownwings I hope you’re ok. Maybe offer your DH some stress relief rather than putting on pressure?! 😉

@sh84 I’m sure you’re not infertile but it’s so easy to think the worst. Good luck for this cycle

Hope you’re ok @lunamoon1

I’m exhausted and irritable and talk of pregnancy or babies making me want to scream at people to shut up 🙄

I don’t know why I’m so tired but I went to the doctors as I’ve been feeling like this a while and I’m having blood tests this week but I could just bee a bit down

@lunamoon1 I'm ok. Similarly to @sh24 nothing much has happened this week but I've felt pretty rubbish. I just keep thinking I should have a three month old now, going to some baby classes, maybe swimming and instead I'm sat at home not doing much. Maybe I need to take up a hobby but I'm struggling with motivation and energy.

DH is very stressed with work, he just started a new role and because it's a promotion but in the same company he seems to be expected to know everything straight away but it's a brand new area of work he needs to learn. As a result we've not had much chance to DTD but hopefully we can pick it up as I'm on CD10 today. I don't want to pressure him though.

I'm sorry you're feeling down too @lunamoon1. All these milestones are so hard. Those times that we were all so happy and excited but now they're just bittersweet reminders that things didnt work out how we hoped. Sending hugs. X

AF turned up today, yet another month that I’m not pregnant. Seriously starting to think that I’m infertile

@lunamoon1 thank you for asking, this week has been pretty tough actually, nothings happened to trigger anything. In the 2WW so probably hormone related. Sorry you’re feeling down, I remember dates as well & never did it cross my mind I wouldn’t be bringing my baby home, ah to be that ignorant again.

@BunnytheElephant you, your husband, your DD & cake sounds lovely

@BrokenNlost @sh84 Thank you. We are planning to get flowed or a plant and go to the cemetery and DH just suggested we make a cake which I think is a good idea 🎂

@Shefliesonherownwings 💕

@lunamoon1 I’m sorry you’re feeling down. I don’t remember the day of my 12 week (probably no bad thing) but I remember when I found out I was pregnant, when she died, when she was born and the funeral day (13 March) so I feel like there are just a load of dates throughout the year tinged with sadness. Haven’t done anything yet, been a bit lazy, but going to go to the garden centre and then the cemetery soon x

@BunnytheElephant having a down day today, we had our 12 week scan a year ago tomorrow & it's hard to believe how naive we were to everything and how we genuinely thought we were going to be bringing a baby home... it's a crazy thought now. How are you? Did you do something to mark your DD's birthday? It's so hard to know what to do, you just need to do what is right x

@BrokenNlost I'm so sorry for your loss, it is such early days for you and although you may not see/feel like it now, things will get a little 'lighter' as time goes on, it's really 1 step forward and 3 steps back, but then the next day can be totally different, that's been my grief journey anyway... everyone's is so different you will work out what's right for you. Everyone on this thread is here for you x

@sh84 & @Shefliesonherownwings how are you both doing this week?x

@BunnytheElephant happy birthday to your beautiful baby girl, I hope today is kind to you xx

@BrokenNlost I am so sorry you find yourself here. It’s very fresh & raw for you at the moment, I hope you have good support around you. If your hospital offers counselling for baby loss please consider it, I’m still having counselling & it does help. I know exactly how you feel about feeling your body failed your baby as that’s exactly how I feel. I’m now in a position where I don’t think it’s my fault anymore but I still blame myself that I didn’t do more. My boy spent all of his life on my chest too & I wouldn’t change that for the world. If someone says something that you don’t like- tell them, just say please don’t say that. You may find that some people are a bit distant & usually it’s because they don’t know what to say. Be gentle with yourself & don’t worry too much about others. It’s fine not to want to be around pregnant women & babies, I still feel my chest go whenever I see someone with a lovely big bump, hear a baby cry when I am out, see yet another pregnancy/birth announcement etc. You can always come on here & write a post even if it’s just to empty your head, there’s no “normal” about this so whatever you do is normal for you, you have to do whatever you feel is right for you regardless or what others tell you. Don’t rush yourself to feel better, I’m 6 months down the line & still feel shit, there’s no set rules on how you should be feeling/what you should be doing. You’ll get sick of the time is a healer & it gets easier comments, as time goes on you just learn to live with the pain, it’s not that it’s easier, it’s not time has healed you, you just live with it because you have to. Look after yourself xx

@somewhereovertherainbow18 and @BrokenNlost you're very welcome although I am so sorry you've been through those losses. Hopefully you can find comfort and support here, I certainly have.

@BunnytheElephant I'm thinking of you and your DD lots today. Please be kind to yourselves and do whatever feels right for you.

Not much to report from me. It's 13 and a half weeks since we lost our DD are full term. Some days I feel a bit better and others I feel worse. Rollercoaster is the only way to describe it. But one day at a time is my mantra and seems to be working. Sending everyone love. X