How to deal with anger and bitterness after MC

I’m pleased in a way to find this thread as it has really helped me to feel that me and my partners feelings at the moment are completely normal.

I thought I was 11weeks but over weekend had a couple of tiny bleeds. Hospital scanned me Monday and there was a heartbeat but showing as 6weeks. The doctor said there’s a heartbeat look il show you and I turned to look at screen expecting to see a forked baby but what I saw didn’t lol right. I’m pretty certain of my dates so they said come back next week for rescan and we will check if any growth. I don’t feel that it is good news at all and today my stomach has started to ache.

Myself and my partner are heartbroken. I have 2 children already and he has 1 but we wanted a child together. My children’s father left us and hasn’t seen them in 6yrs and my partners ex didn’t want to involve him much when their son was born, she went to live with her mum and they didn’t let him stay over and she put her surname as child’s surname so he feels he’s missed the whole baby stage. We just wanted the perfect family and had started to get excited. It doesn’t help that 2 of his cousins just had babies, and 2 of our old friends have both had babies too so we are surrounded by babies!

We are keeping our sad news quiet so only limited people know so we don’t cause any awkwardness with anyone who is happy they have had a baby and it dies help to think we are fortunate to be parents already but all we keep thinking is why has this happened to us and it’s just not fair. I’m not a big drinker anyway but literally did not drink a drop from second of finding out, was very careful with what I ate and my partner didn’t even let me empty bins or carry anything he considered more than light. Life just seems unfair at times. I guess things just need time but it does help to think we are normal in experiencing similar feelings as many of you are. I hope everyone manages to feel better and get what they want out of life.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss op. It took me a good three months to stop feeling anger/bitterness all the time. I still have moments of it now and I had my surgical management at the start of May. Losing a pregnancy is very painful. Give yourself time to heal and try to keep busy.

I completely get what you mean @sadlycindy There is a girl at work who is pg now. When I went on mat leave two other women went too and they had their babies first and then my baby died. We went out last Christmas and they brought their babies. It would have been me this year but she is not here and another colleague has since announced pregnancy and presumably will have had her baby by Christmas so I am dreading her bringing her baby to the Christmas lunch because it feels wrong that she has a baby for Christmas when I was 7-8 months pregnant last Christmas and she wasn’t even pregnant...

I don’t know what to say about my friend. She seems to be using her pregnancy as an excuse not to be in touch (so as not to upset me) but then why on Earth mention it the first time she speaks to me since the funeral?! I have told her how I feel.

It isn’t for anyone to tell you not to grieve or that your are being ridiculous. Of course you’re not. It is different for women and as with many things you can’t really comment unless you’ve been there.

Thanks @ReeReeR. I know, everyone's pain is relative to what they've gone through before. I can't imagine what that must have been like for you. I do think stillbirth is different from a MC. I think the later on you are, the harder it would be. It's not comparable, I do think they are different things. My thinking that is what is telling me to stop being so ridiculous as it was only 7 weeks. That's where I was struggling.

It felt almost like that friend of mine had taken my pregnancy. Had she not announced she was pregnant a week later than me then everything would have been fine. I was the pregnant one in our friend group. Then she comes along after trying for two months and 10 years younger than me. It felt inevitable. I think that's where my bitterness starts and ends. I don't feel bitter to anyone else. But then, I already have a son, perhaps if I didn't, I'd feel differently.

I feel better today after having a cry with a friend who is closer with that other friend of mine and also thinks that friend was really insensitive. So that helped me.

Your friend texting you she was pregnant? Unbelievable. It makes me so angry peoples insensitivity. It's just like saying "yes I really don't care about your feelings at all because look at me!"

@ReeReeR so sorry for your loss, that must have been devastating.

You give such wise and kind advice, hope you get some peace yourself.

Give yourself time and talk about it lots. I also felt like it shouldn’t affect me as much as it did because I was only 12 weeks. I was a total wreck for an entire year. I missed 3 baby showers and a wedding because I couldn’t face people. Allow yourself to grieve and talk talk talk. My partner held me every night and just told me he understood. He now listens to me every year tell him how old our baby would have been. I hated the world. The best advice I was given was that you never get over it but you learn to live with it. You’ll get there op x

I know you from the other thread. I think it’s “normal” and understandable to feel better. Life is unfair and it can feel like babies etc happen so easily for others.

As my friend said to me, you love your child from the moment they were “a line on a stick”. A pregnancy brings with it so much hope and that is lost with a MC. It is a loss no matter how far along you are.

I feel bitter and sad sometimes when I see pregnant women and babies especially if they are doing things not conducted entirely safe or best practice. I feel it’s unjust when I wouldn’t even drink caffeine when I was pregnant.

I cannot help but feel affected by the arguments about losses at different stages although I know this is not about that. I wonder what @lalag has suffered to feel so strongly and would suggest we are all kind to each other on these threads.

I had a stillbirth at 40 weeks earlier this year and I was devastated. She was a baby. She was perfect. She was healthy and viable and a fully formed perfect baby. She just happened to die before she was born. I also had a miscarriage at 4.5 weeks a month or so ago and it is different. Of course it is. For me the MC barely registered as a loss except a day part of a shit year we have had but that could be because I’m a bit numb and almost expected it. Anyway while a stillbirth is clearly different to a miscarriage they are both losses and how you deal with it and are affected by it will depend on so many things in your life like what happened before, other losses, how long it took you to get pregnant etc.

What helps me feel less negative about it all (as I’ve said on the other thread) is just realising that rubbish things happen to everyone. It’s not just you. You might have lost out this time but “the race is long” as they say and no one has it all, all of the time. I know others who have had healthy babies recently but one of them just lost her mum at a relatively young age and the other one was left by her husband weeks before her baby was born. Their loss is maybe no more or less than mine but it is different.

Try to keep yourself busy. Don’t feel bad about cutting out people who are making things harder (or even just not making things easier). I recently told a friend I don’t consider us friends any more after she hasn’t been in touch for 6 months and her first text to me, after I texted her, was to tell me she’s pregnant. I thought she could have asked how I am first since my baby died. I think it’s fair to say that friendship will never be the same.

@Pop1234 no I found out at a EPU scan due to bleeding. I know, the environment is awful. When I had to go back to get medical management for it, I was surrounded by couple coming out the scan with pictures. It was really quite awful. I told the doctor that they should really think about a separate area for women that are having MCs. Thank you, I am coming to realise it is normal to feel bitter.

@starlightmagic I'm so sorry it hit you so badly on the DD. I can imagine that being so hard. I'm glad you hear you are coming through it though. It makes me realise that everything is normal. and there is no set timeframe to "get over it".

I had a loss last year mmc at 12 weeks baby stopped at 10 weeks. I was bitter and angry and blocked/unfollowed a lot of people on social media. When it came to what would have been my due date I had a total breakdown, I was signed off work for two weeks and nearly quit :( however that was my turning point. Once I’d got past that milestone I gradually stopped feeling so angry and when my best friend fell pregnant again I was genuinely happy for her. It’s a long old process!

@sadlycindy did you find out at your routine 12 week scan? My second loss I went to my 12 week scan really excited and found out our baby had also stopped developing at 8 weeks. It was very tough, especially being in that environment full of pregnant ladies.

It is absolutely part of the process, it is only natural to feel bitter about something you want so badly.

Thank you @Pop1234. I think I've been telling myself I'm over it, then when I get upset/angry/bitter, I'm like "what's wrong with me, I'm a horrible person". I just need to accept that it's going to take longer than I thought and it's all part of the process.

@nicola18737 After 4 losses I also know the feeling of being bitter. I had really close friends who were pregnant whilst I was miscarrying, it was very tough at times, but it did get easier. It is only a natural feeling, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

@lalag I think your comment is completely uncalled for. Nobody was comparing the grief with a stillborn. I've had 4 losses all at different stages, and they were all hard.

@lalag no she is not joking. She is saying how it doesn't matter how many weeks you are, you are still entitled to grieve. Are you now telling me that I'm not entitled? That because I was only 7 weeks my grief isn't valid?

@lalag I'm very sorry if what I said made you feel offended. What I meant to convey was that the value of the child is instant from conception.

I agree that a loss late in pregnancy will be completely devastating in different ways and that the trauma of a late loss can't be understated. The intention of my comment was not to minimise a late loss at all.

The grief felt by any pregnancy loss is going to be intense regardless of how many weeks pregnant the woman is but perhaps in different ways depending on how many weeks along the woman is at the time. I do believe it's not fair to imply that a woman who is 8 weeks pregnant should grieve less than a woman who is 39 weeks pregnant. Differently perhaps, but we can't impose our impressions of grief on others.

Again, my intention was not to hurt you.

I was 13 weeks when I found out but our baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks. It doesn't matter how many weeks you were, your child was yours from the moment of conception so there's no "only" amount of weeks. Don't let that make your grief feel any less valid. @itseasybeingcheesy**

Are you actually joking? Try tell that to someone who's had a stillbirth at 39 weeks, giving birth to that child, and burying that child. It absolutely does matter how many weeks you were.

It's hard cos it robs you of the joy and hope if you are lucky enough to fall pregnant again. I didn't tell work with my DD till 25 weeks as just couldn't believe it would be ok after two losses.

I'm 7 weeks after a mc at 7 weeks now, and it really did break my heart but I do feel better now, hope it will come to you.

You can talk about it if you choose, I told people I was pregnant (mainly cos it clashed with festival and holiday season and I'm such a lush not drinking is pretty obvious anyway lol) and that did help because they supported me.

5/6 of my nct group has experienced loss (the other one infertility), it's a hard journey for lots of us.

But at the same time I totally understand the bitterness/ envy of those that have no loss and can celebrate and enjoy pregnancy.

@sadlycindy I was 13 weeks when I found out but our baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks. It doesn't matter how many weeks you were, your child was yours from the moment of conception so there's no "only" amount of weeks. Don't let that make your grief feel any less valid.

I accessed counselling through my employer as they have services available to employees. By the end of the set amount of sessions I could have I felt like I had become able to manage my grief and get through my days even though I still get emotional if I talk about that time I can tell I'm not actively grieving anymore.

You'll get there, just take every day as a path all of its own.

Oh that's so sad it's happened to you twice. I'm sorry. Yeah I just feel so angry and that's it's so unfair. Maybe you are right and I need to give myself a break. I'm totally judging myself as a horrible person because I feel so bitter to this pregnant "friend" of mine. Sounds like it's normal.

Oh yes massively up and down. Times when I thought ok I'm past the worst then I would crash again. I had 2 pretty close together, Feb and May this year and I'm still not 'over it' and still think about it everyday but I am less angry, sad etc. I'm just trying to look forward. You will get through it in some way. But everything you are feeling is totally normal. I sometimes still want to scream at pregnancy women and sometimes I don't.

@LillyLeaf yes its that hope, that dream that is gone. That elation...all gone. I did my pg test in my local supermarket's toilets and couldn't believe it was positive. I kept it safe all the way home to show my husband. I thought it so fragile, and just couldn't believe my luck. I kept looking at it in the car to make sure it hadn't changed to one line.

I seem to be ok for a few days, then I drop again...did you find this?

As soon as you take that pregnancy test and see those 2 lines you begin to imagine the future. My MCs were IVF so I was given a photo of the embryos which was just a cluster of cells but actually it was what could have been that I grieved for.

omg @SAMlady that article made me sob and sob. It's all so true. No one talks about any of it. No one. It's just all brushed under the carpet.

Thanks @LillyLeaf, I think because I keep myself constantly busy, I am not aware of how I actually feel. It is only when I stop, I realise how down I am. Most of the time it is covered up with anxiety. It did actually help last week where I just broke down and cried. I felt reconnected with myself. I don't feel that sad any more, just lost and angry. I wish I could feel that level of sadness, then I'd know what to do with it.

I also feel angry that because I was 7 weeks, my husband says it wasn't a baby. It was to me! Oh.... that has made me cry. I was carrying our baby, but I've been telling myself it was only 7 weeks, it wasn't a baby yet, etc etc. It was all so real to me and now its gone and its like nothing ever happened.

Sorry to hear of your loss.

In my experience miscarriage is devastating, your feelings are valid and real.

This article summed it all up really well, made me cry (again) but bought me comfort to know I wasn't alone.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/metro.co.uk/2017/01/26/this-is-what-really-happens-when-you-suffer-a-miscarriage-6380489/amp/

Don't be hard on yourself, it's a horrible thing to go through and I was shocked at level and variety of emotions I felt and still do. I think what helped me was to just acknowledge this is crap and it's ok to feel like this.