TTC after pregnancy loss - Thread 30 - huddle up and bring on the BFP's

Thanks @AliceRR I do too because my lack of motivation has been worrying when I'm usually quite a driven person. It really has knocked me for six. We'd just got married as well so such a sad way to start married life. It's so important to have a purpose and work does this so I'm hoping my mood will lift once I start at it again. We're all getting older and all my tests have been normal so it's likely we'll have another pregnancy.

I honestly wouldn't worry about going back to work just yet after all you've been through. It must have been gruelling. I've heard of ladies who've lost a baby not even returning to work. You have to do what feels right for you. If you miss work and feel it'll help give it a trial run and see how you feel. If you can't face it take more time. Your mental health is a priority. Just don't put too much pressure on yourself! Xx

@Catconfusion thank you for a beautifully written post. Your observations re ageing and the need to develop resilience and strength really resonate with me. I'm a couple of years younger than you but still feel very much aware that I'm in the twilight years as far as fertility is concerned. I've always said to my DH that I know that our life as it is is great and I know I should feel lucky for the opportunities we've had in terms of being able to travel, buy a nice house etc, but it still feels like there's a gaping hole in our family where a little one should be. I don't know what the future will hold but as you say I don't want to regret missing out on other opportunities due to the weight of loss that I'm currently carrying around. Fingers crossed that we all get the rainbows we dream of, but also that we can find in ourselves more strength than we've ever felt before x

@Catconfusion I think that’s a really good way to look at it and I do think it is difficult to get back to “normality” whenever you do so.

I’ve been off on maternity leave for nearly four months and I feel I “should” be going back soon but I’m also trying not to put pressure on myself to do so.

I hope being back at work is good for you and maybe provides a welcome distraction from your worries x

Good luck with the appointment @Bluebelltulip and I'm sorry it's not feeling as exciting as it should be for all mums to be. You've been through so much and I hope you get some reassurances soon and can start to enjoy it a bit more. Xx

@AliceRR I'm not sure but I know it's time. The thing I've come to realise is that pregnancy loss can stir up existing issues and make them feel so much worse. I turn 40 next month and I think the two back to back losses induced this gripping fear that I'll never be a Mum. All kinds of anxieties have come up surrounding getting older. I've needed to process the loss but also come to terms with there maybe not being time for it to happen for us.

To some taking four months off due to losing two pregnancies in the early stages might seem extreme but I've been a mess. I was so innocent when I fell pregnant. I didn't realise I would get to 12 weeks to find no heartbeat and need surgery to remove my baby. Then effortlessly fall pregnant again only to lose at 4 and a half weeks. It's all been a mind f*#k.

I do however feel better about getting older and the losses generally. To keep me going I just keep thinking: what kind of life do I want in the next few years? If I'm a Mum I want to be a good one. To show resilience and strength. If I'm sadly not I want to be happy with my lot and the life DH and I have made for ourselves. I don't want to have regrets about months and months of depression.

To answer your question I'm still sad but I feel the time has allowed me to process what has happened enough to focus on work so we'll just have to see what happens. Xx

That's great news @coconutlatte44.

If you don't feel ready I think more time off is best @Pop1234.

I put very little on social media and many of my friends on there would have had no idea I was pregnant and then she died untill a few weeks ago as I decided to put something up about baby loss. There are some people on there that I don't mind seeing baby stuff but others that are over the top I've blocked.

My community midwife rang yesterday to bring my booking in appointment forward to today. Feeling weird about it, no where near the excitement I've had previously but it does feel good to get the process going.

Lovely news @Coconutlatte44

@Pop1234 She could absolutely have text just to say she’s thinking of us, is there if we need anything or to let me know she’s there when I want to meet up

The thing is I’ve texted, spoken to and met up with many friends so her barely contacting me for three months is not down to me

@Catconfusion It’s so important to look after yourself and it’s good you were able to take some time off. Do you feel ready to get back to work?

I'm so sorry to those of you struggling at the moment. Other people can be so cruel without really realising. Anyone going through pregnancy loss deserves love and understanding. It certainly shows you who your real friends are. Cut any one else out as they're not real friends if they can't be sad for you and sensitive about your loss. Xx

@coconutlatte44 and @Laney79 I just wanted to say simply wow and congratulations. Wishing you a long and happy pregnancy! Xx

Hey @Pop1234 I just caught your post. I'm only just going back to work next week after my mmc surgery in Feb and then chemical pregnancy during the cycle after in March. That's 4 months in total off work. I'm self employed so DH and I decided I'd take off the time I needed even if it meant being a little poor. Grieving is such a complex process and you have your appointment on your mind too. If the doctor will sign you off take it.

I feel so much better for it despite a big wobble yesterday. I was struggling with what I now know to be the symptoms of PTSD. Pregnancy loss can bring on all manner of mental health issues. Look after yourself!

Xx

@coconutlatte44 am so happy for you, that's fantastic! I really hope to see a heartbeat one day, that must be so exciting.

@Pop1234 if the doctors recommends you take more time off then go for it,you need to take the time to get yourself well and focus. I regret not taking some time off, being at work was a helpful distraction in some ways, but as you said I couldn't focus at all and was constantly online (oh wait like I am now in the work loos!). Look after yourself, that's the most important thing x

@coconutlatte44 so happy for you hun! Fx for a long and healthy pregnancy!

@Pop1234 if the GP signs you off again I would take the additional time off. Your well-being is more important at the end of the day. Plus if you're not ready to go back yet then you probably shouldn't.

@Navy123 Sorry AF turned up. It's the worst when she's late to the party giving you a glimmer of hope :( fx for next cycle

@AliceRR I also have two friends like this. They have been completely shitty and are now pregnant themselves. I get they might not know what to say, but surely being kind is that difficult?

@Avocuddles thanks for that, I have been wondering how to mute pregnancy ads for ages. I'm going to do it now.

@coconutlatte44 greats news. Keeping everything crossed for you.

So I need a bit of advice. Thursday I will have been off work for 4 weeks and to be honest don't even feel like I can go back yet. I would rather wait until I've seen Dr Shehata for my results at the end of June, my job isn't overly busy and I would literally just spend the whole time thinking. Do you think being signed off for another 4 weeks is completely taking the piss? That's if the GP will sign me off. I just know the second I get back to work I'll be thinking/googling and to be honest don't feel like I can face work yet.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts this morning.
It's good news for me today - they found an embryo and a healthy heartbeat, measuring 6+1. I literally sobbed my eyes out as she told me everything she could see, one bit at a time. When she us there was a heartbeat I totally lost it. I suppose I had given up hope.

They'll scan me again in two weeks.

Sending positive thoughts to everyone feeling low or anxious today.

Sorry to hear that @Navy123 I got my hopes up last month as had all sorts of “symptoms” and even thought start of AF might be implantation bleeding, so it was rubbish when I realised it was AF

Do something nice even if it’s have a glass of wine or some chocolate, whatever is your thing

I don’t understand why people are so ignorant as to ask such things

Totally agree about rubbish friends rubbing it in all the time! And if someone asks once more if DS is getting a sibling I can't be held responsible for the consequences.

Af has finally shown her face 2 days late after 4 days of nausea, sore boobs and bfns - honestly so fed up this month! At least I finally know though and can move on. Evil witch!

Yes I am making much use of the “mute” function! It’s absolutely fine to post pics of your holiday, obviously, I wasn’t suggesting people shouldn’t post anything, just responding to what you said about people posting about their lives and that everything is not always as it seems. I think when we’re feeling down it can seem like everyone else has everything and it doesn’t help.

Facebook is definitely bollocks but I'm as guilty as anyone sometimes when it comes to presenting a shiny happy life! We're away for a few days next week and I'm sure I'll end up posting some pics of the holiday as I know it will make some of my family and friends happy to see us enjoying (or at least attempting to enjoy) life after a few challenging couple of weeks.
If there are people on your feed who are constantly posting baby / children stuff then they you can mute them so that they don't appear on your feed for a while (or forever!). I also learned the other day how to go into ad settings to ensure that no pregnancy / parenting based ads appear - they were particularly painful at first so it's good to have got rid! I really do hope i become a Mum one day (preferably sooner rather than later, especially as I'm in the geriatric category now...) but I don't need my childless status rubbing in my face every five minutes.

Also same friend just posted her house for sale listing (she is selling due to divorce) but I’m sure her Facebook friends would think they were just buying a bigger house...

Friend didn’t reply to my text. She’s a very “proper” friend and I imagine she might not know how to deal with me expressing that she hasn’t been a great friend. I’ll be interested to see what she says

Thanks @Avocuddles @Frillyfarmer I know many of the women on here understand. We really should concentrate on our good friends.

As for Facebook @Avocuddles @InDreamland all that apparent perfection is absolutely not real. As an example, my friend who has her baby girl in March, has posted all the happy new mum pics and said how happy she is but what I know, that you wouldn’t know from Facebook, is that her husband and left her a few weeks before the baby was born. She’s a good friend and what her hubby has done is horrible but my point is people have all sorts going on and you wouldn’t know. It occurred to me that some of her “I can’t believe how happy I am” what’s a bit of her overcompensating for what she’s going through and maybe sending him a message that she’s ok. Lots of my Facebook “friends” won’t know I was pregnant and had a full term stillbirth this year, as I don’t post much about my life. If I posted a pic of DH and I in our lovely new home or on a weekend away today they might think we had “everything” too and they wouldn’t know about the massive loss we are dealing with. I’m sure you know that but sometimes it helps me to know other people’s lives really are not perfect and I believe no one has everything all or the time.

@AliceRR rant away, I think sadly quite a lot of us on this group have very shitty friends - this has just been the rough time where the bad ones comes to the surface.

My friend occupies so much of my thoughts by her selfish actions that I do get cross with myself and have to keep reminding myself that actually this shitty year I've had some of the best support from other friends and I should focus more towards how good those friends are.

I'm off to a wedding today so no doubt another tranche of "when's the next one coming" "you want to get on with it, don't want a bit age gap" yada yada yada. I've actually decided to drive because I can't do with having a drink and getting upset about it all!

You're right @AliceRR I think difficult times make you come to realise who is worth the effort and who isn't. I have a few friends that I've drifted away from who always say that we should meet up but when I try to push for a date then they never commit to sorting anything. I have some decent people in my life, including my amazing DH, so it's best not to worry about wasting breath on the one sided relationships. Nothing wrong with ranting!!!

@InDreamland I need to wean myself off the social media for the exact same reasons. I try to reassure myself that the 'perfect' happy lives that people present there aren't real; they're just a visualisation of what they want other people to see / believe about them. Don't judge a book by its cover I guess, though it's easier said than done when every other post involves pregnancy, babies or children (interspersed with the occasional dog) x

Sorry I’m a bit ranty today. Feeling a bit down and possibly hormonal 😬

Oh she also said she wanted to let me know before she sees me, which she hopes is soon. Well if she wanted to see me then why not make some kind of effort?!

I’m tempted to text and say sorry if my text was a bit off but I was a bit disappointed I haven’t heard from her for months but I should probably leave it as I’m not in the right frame of mind.

I did ask how far along she is so let’s she if / how she replies!

@InDreamland I know I should leave Facebook alone. I don’t know what it is (maybe too much time on my hands as I’m still on mat leave) but I often end up scrolling through the news feed and there is almost always someone talking about a pregnancy or baby!

@Avocuddles It’s good your friends have been good. I have a few friends who have been really good at texting etc to see how I am or even just telling me mundane things but to show they’re thinking of me and it really shows up the ones who don’t do that.

I have another friend who can barely reply to my texts and when I met up with her it was because she’s having a hard time after moving house as she was “really attached to her house”. I don’t like to judge and I think she’s a bit down but I texted her again to ask how she is and I haven’t had a reply.

I’ve decided to concentrate on the friends who do make an effort to stay in touch and see me

@AliceRR goodness what a selfish so called friend. Totally insensitive and lacking in tact. I'd be just ignoring her now.

I'm done with social media apart from MN. Can't cope now with these "everything in my life is perfect and so much better than yours will ever be" posts. I feel like posting on there how shite life really is and everything that upset me and tears my heart apart. That someone's happy news is actually for me like rubbing salt in my open wounds.

@thelittlepeanut enjoy the food rub. I need to have words with my DH ..........