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Conception

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Original poster

Why is it not happening?

33 replies

RobertsMother · 06/05/2019 08:01

My husband and I decided to ttc shortly after getting married. It turned out to be a little too much pressure for him so we used home insemination. After 3 cycles, we were overjoyed to fall pregnant. The pregnancy was a dream, then it all went wrong, our son was born early and passed away. This was 10 months ago.

For the last 8 months, we have been ttc again, using home insemination. Every month, I have to deal with the horrific grief of my son not being here and the terrible realisation that I am not pregnant again.

I am so sick of life beating me down. I spent my whole adult life getting things in place to raise a family and now life is mocking me. People around me fall pregnant left, right and centre and I hate them all. I can't be happy for them, I have to cut them out and stop seeing them. I can't stand their smug happiness whilst I feel like I am dying inside.

I can't shake the idea that something is wrong inside. I get so much spotting now, which I read means low progesterone but my basal temp is usually really good. My cycles are fairly regular, albeit shorter than before my son. I thought I pinpointed ovulation well but recently noticed that my opks and basal temperature place ovulation slightly differently. For example, my opks suggested I ovulated last week on Sunday or Monday but my temp dip was on Wednesday and the surge on Thursday. I am now either 5 or 7 and started spotting this morning. I am likely to have about 6 or 7 days of this, then af will come.

My GP just says that he can't help until I have been trying for a year. And even then, he is not sure what I qualify for because my son was born alive so technically, I don't fall under the heading of childless. I have a private clinic appointment next week because I am 32 soon and I want to get things moving.

Why won't life just give me a rainbow? All I ever wanted was to bring my children up and, if it isn't going to happen, I don't know what I will do. There is nothing else I want and I can't just sit watching everyone else live the life I want.

OP posts:
Veryveryverylate · 06/05/2019 13:05

I'm very sorry for your loss op FlowersFlowersFlowers

Our experience is not the same but I can relate to what you are feeling. After I gave birth to my stillborn ds2, my period disappeared for four months. It finally arrived after I made a gp appointment. It then took me futher 9 cycles to get pregnant again. Despite yearning for another baby the day ds2 milk came in.

You probably see women who get pregnant quickly as the ones take a long time I think go and find different support system. As you seen it is hard for thoes who are ttc to see other pregnant women.

Sorry I don't have any advice for you.

Original poster
RobertsMother · 06/05/2019 11:50

I am very down right now. I had a couple of months when I thought I was doing really well but I have had about a month of feeling like I am at the end of my tether.

I am on the waiting list for cognitive behavioural therapy, which sounds like a waste of time but I will try. I tried the local support group recently but the women running it admitted that the only way they smiled again was by having more children. And they all fell pregnant quickly which added to my worry that there is something wrong with me. Clearly the stress of grief didn't stop them so there must be something extra wrong with me.

I have spotting normally for 3-7 days before period. This time it started at ovulation and has been on and off since then. Not normal. I am going to my GP tomorrow in case something is wrong. Seeing as it is me, I am sure it will be either something terrible or inconclusive.

I just feel like I can't live with this pain and lack of hope. Not entirely sure why I am still here if there is nothing left for me. I am increasingly sure that I am broken inside. Maybe the c-section scarring or maybe some other condition I don't get know about.

OP posts:
AliceRR · 06/05/2019 10:51

How do you feel you are doing otherwise?

I know this is about TTC but you do sound very down. I have times when I feel kind of normal / okay and other times everything feels hopeless

If you ever want to PM me for someone to talk to then do

xx

AliceRR · 06/05/2019 10:48

Some counsellors are better than others. The one we have now is better than one we had previously but she talks about “anger” too. My husband has two elder children and I find it really hard that I have lost my only child and he hasn’t as it feels like I’m alone when we should be going through this together. But she simplifies it every time to “you are so angry that he has children and that is understandable”. She at least says it’s understandable I feel the way I do but sometimes I get annoyed too 😬

Is there another source of counselling you can use. Where I live there is a local baby loss charity that offers free counselling.

Sands has a helpline too.

I can understand what you mean about en forum and other people getting pregnant but I think there are a few there who have been there some time

It is good you are having tests.

Do you normally have spotting? People do have spotting and implantation reading so it’s not conclusive of anything

Original poster
RobertsMother · 06/05/2019 09:14

We had counselling for ten weeks, which is all that is available in our area. The counsellor was good but she annoyed me towards the end. She told me I was very angry and that it wasn't healthy. That anger was not my real emotion, just a secondary emotion. I felt like asking her if she thought the sky might be blue too....

At first I did go onto to SANDS ttc board but saw (what felt like) nearly every poster get pregnant during that time and had to come off because it made me feel like I must be broken if all these other grieving mother's could just get pregnant so easily.

Tbh, I have seen about 5 or 6 different GPs since I lost my son and I have nothing good to say about any of them. They are all hiding behind "guidelines" and never use their hearts. One of them snapped at me when I questioned him and told me I could always pay for tests if I thought I knew better.

I am hoping they won't find anything scary during my tests next week. Even more so, I hope that this months spotting is just nothing and I fall pregnant again. But I know that spotting is not a good sign so I doubt it.

If I go by my opks and cm, I am 7dpo with af due next weekend.

OP posts:
AliceRR · 06/05/2019 08:57

Maybe go by your OPK and assume you ov around 24 hours after that as your BBT couldn’t be different due to something else if that makes sense

It’s so easy to assume the worst. Try not to do that. After I had Ruby I had cramps due to a UTI and was convinced I had some kind of ovarian test infection that could render me infertile. It’s so easy to think the worst after the worst has happened before.

Have you had counselling? My DH and I are having counselling and I would do it for as long as I could as I think it does help.

Stress can affect fertility.

BUT I agree with you that there’s no point waiting til you’re in a better place because you might be in this place for a long time yet and I know for me planning for another baby is what gives me hope. I know from Sands that this is the case for many women. There is a TTC board on Sands - perhaps you might find some support there?

Can you see a different GP re your concerns?

Original poster
RobertsMother · 06/05/2019 08:39

Thanks for your reply. I remember you too, no one should have to be in this club. Life is just so awful.

My dates are very confusing. My opks were positive on the 27th April, so I assumed ovulation was on Sunday/Monday and my temp went up a bit on Tuesday. But then the temp plunged on 1st May and surged upwards on the 2nd. I am wondering if the first ovulation failed so a second one occurred.

With Robert, it only took 3 cycles so I am worried that 8 months means there is something wrong. Maybe the spotting is peri-menopause or endometriosis or cysts?

When I told my GP how stressed I was with the ttc, he said stress could be stopping me getting pregnant and maybe I needed more counselling. Another GP I tried said that it was probably too soon for me to TTC and I should wait until I am in a better place (because losing your child is clearly something you get over).

I am so angry with life for screwing me over like this. Surely I have been through enough? Surely I deserve some light.

OP posts:
AliceRR · 06/05/2019 08:21

OP I think I remember you from the bereavement board. I am sorry you are struggling TTC.

My baby girl was stillborn in February and completely get the overwhelming need to have a baby. I have good days and bad days but the only thing that gives me real hope for the future is having another baby.

I grieve the loss of my daughter whom I will never see smile, laugh and grow. I grieve the loss of a baby and try to forget that I’m on mat leave without a baby. I worry I will never have a living child.

I don’t mean to talk about me but I wonder if it helps you to know you’re not alone and I may understand some of how you feel.

Re TTC it doesn’t sound right to me that you wouldn’t get any help even after a year because you had a baby. I don’t think I would accept that. Especially after what you have been through you deserve help and advice to have a baby when you need it.

How long did it take you to fall pregnant with Robert if you don’t mind me asking?

And are you sure you are right on your dates? E.g. if you had + OPK on mon/tue then maybe you ovulated Tuesday/Wednesday and your temp dropped after that?

I’m no expert on these things and this month is actually the first month I am TTC.

I think especially if your doctor knows how stressed you are with this then they might be more inclined to help - checking your progesterone and hormone levels for example.