Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Original poster

Why is it not happening?

33 replies

RobertsMother · 06/05/2019 08:01

My husband and I decided to ttc shortly after getting married. It turned out to be a little too much pressure for him so we used home insemination. After 3 cycles, we were overjoyed to fall pregnant. The pregnancy was a dream, then it all went wrong, our son was born early and passed away. This was 10 months ago.

For the last 8 months, we have been ttc again, using home insemination. Every month, I have to deal with the horrific grief of my son not being here and the terrible realisation that I am not pregnant again.

I am so sick of life beating me down. I spent my whole adult life getting things in place to raise a family and now life is mocking me. People around me fall pregnant left, right and centre and I hate them all. I can't be happy for them, I have to cut them out and stop seeing them. I can't stand their smug happiness whilst I feel like I am dying inside.

I can't shake the idea that something is wrong inside. I get so much spotting now, which I read means low progesterone but my basal temp is usually really good. My cycles are fairly regular, albeit shorter than before my son. I thought I pinpointed ovulation well but recently noticed that my opks and basal temperature place ovulation slightly differently. For example, my opks suggested I ovulated last week on Sunday or Monday but my temp dip was on Wednesday and the surge on Thursday. I am now either 5 or 7 and started spotting this morning. I am likely to have about 6 or 7 days of this, then af will come.

My GP just says that he can't help until I have been trying for a year. And even then, he is not sure what I qualify for because my son was born alive so technically, I don't fall under the heading of childless. I have a private clinic appointment next week because I am 32 soon and I want to get things moving.

Why won't life just give me a rainbow? All I ever wanted was to bring my children up and, if it isn't going to happen, I don't know what I will do. There is nothing else I want and I can't just sit watching everyone else live the life I want.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
stucknoue · 17/05/2019 10:00

Could you get a referral to help your husband? Whilst obviously you managed to get pg before, it's a lot more likely if you are able to be spontaneous plus his issues won't be affected by 1 year wait rules or previous live births. It sounds like stress is a major factor in your lives, the holiday sounds a great idea, book over your fertile period but try not to think about ttc, just relaxing, enjoying each other's company etc. No pressure to perform is key.

The other thing that occurred to me is that everyone is a bit different, I got pg the day my period finished (yes we should have used a condom but I thought it was a safe day) if you like me ovulate at odd times then it could be the problem. I do know of two people who couldn't conceive, one decided to adopt then fell pregnant, the other split from her dh, had a one night stand and oops! The pressure seems to be an issue, try just to enjoy each other and let nature take its course, you are quite young still.

Thinking of you, hopefully positive news soon.

AliceRR · 17/05/2019 09:45

Sorry I didn’t see your reply last time

I hope you’re doing ok x

Original poster
RobertsMother · 07/05/2019 15:56

I just can't handle seeing them right now. Not with the loss and potential infertility. I think I would lose it big time.

OP posts:
AliceRR · 07/05/2019 10:26

I have a friend who had a baby a few weeks after I lost Ruby and I saw her when she was still pregnant and then I invited her over to see me with the baby (she’s the one whose husband left her so she probably appreciates the support / company too). Anyway I know I’m in the minority as a lot of the women in the Sands group I went to said they had told their friends who had babies to stay away so it’s not for everyone but I do feel a bit like I’ve “got that out of the way” if that makes sense and I even held the baby and it was ok. Because the thing is she’s not Ruby. And no matter how many babies you see they are not Robert. But then I know you are not also missing Robert but probably also worrying that you have not been able to conceive again yet. I don’t know if watching things with babies deliberately is the answer but maybe trying not to actively avoid them if you can.

I really think more counselling would help you, even if it’s CBT. I did that briefly once. It’s just kind of to help you react differently in situations where you might usually get upset or react in a certain way xx

Original poster
RobertsMother · 06/05/2019 23:51

No, you are making sense. The way I feel is very debilitating and stops me going out much. I find I spend a lot of time at home as it's safer there. My husband suggested a few months ago that I deliberately watch something with pregnancy or babies in, so I acclimatise but I just can't. I think everyone handles it differently but it's a hard limit for me. If I ever get pregnant again, maybe the painful envy and anger will wear off.

OP posts:
AliceRR · 06/05/2019 22:05

There are some thoughtless people. I’ve read some such posts on here. There was one the other day where the OP had a lost a baby and her pregnant friend was v insensitive about her own pregnancy and then stole the OP’s babies name! And I know someone who had lost a baby at a few days old and when her friend was pregnant she asked her to organise the baby shower.

I don’t really think it’s about being a better person so much as it’s difficult to avoid pregnant people and babies all the time. I feel like that sometimes but otherwise I try not to let it rule my life as I wouldn’t be able to go out if I got really upset every time I saw a baby. The other thing I think if I see a pregnant woman is that at that stage she doesn’t have any more than I have. I got to full term and then the baby died... u don’t know. I do get really upset sometimes though so sorry if it sounds like I’m trying to tell you how to think xx

Original poster
RobertsMother · 06/05/2019 21:42

It's irrational hatred I have, I know. But I can't make myself feel any other way. Maybe one day I will have the energy to work on myself and become a better person. For now, I just avoid pregnant ladies and people with children so that I don't feel the gut wrenching jealousy and they can be happy in peace. To be honest, none of the people I know with children have been very tactful or sensitive so this is probably adding to my negative feelings. I know that most people with children are lovely but I just happen to know some thoughtless idiots.

OP posts:
AliceRR · 06/05/2019 20:34

I think if you need to take a day and you can then take it. I know I couldn’t work right now.

I try not to think that way about women who are pregnant or have babies. It’s easy to think it’s not fair or “why me?” and I think that’s normal. It’s not really fair and it’s a horrible thing that happened. BUT whilst it seems it was my baby who died when all the others are ok, actually I know I’m not the only one to go through this, but also I believe no one has everything all the time. I know people who in the last couple of years have lost their husband, or a grown up son, a friend who just had a baby was left by her husband a few weeks before. I just think horrible things happen all the time to lots of people so I try not to think it’s just me.

I also have found that since this happened I’m more grateful for what I do have. Like my friend who had her baby hasn’t got her husband and so her mat leave us not what she planned and that must be really hard too. It’s not the same but it probably is just as hard.

I don’t always feel like that and I have times when I cry loads but I try to be positive and it helps.

I realise the difficulty conceiving makes it harder but I think they say give it a year if you are under 35.

Original poster
RobertsMother · 06/05/2019 20:22

I worry about taking time off because it was so hard to go back in the first place. Sometimes it can be a good distraction. But right now I can't cope and it is like swimming through cement. I know the ttc is not helping but if I want to bring home a baby, the only way out is through. I might take tomorrow off and just cry in bed. Might gather the strength to go back on Wednesday.

The royal baby is happy news for them but I still hate them. The same way I irrationally hate anyone I see with a bump or a baby. "Why can they do it and not me" is the raging thought always on my brain.

OP posts:
AliceRR · 06/05/2019 20:04

I think you’re doing well to be at work too tbh. I’m still on mat leave. I went on leave the end of Jan which was two weeks before the baby was due and then the baby died the weekend she was due so I just stayed on leave obviously. Not sure when I’ll be going back.

Could you take some time off? Do you think that would help? You seem like you are struggling tbh but maybe that is more so the case today (I know I’m struggling today and have the last few days but some days I feel better)

I think it’s natural to symptom spot but they do say every pregnant is different. I had symptoms before af was due (not cramps or bleeding though) when I got pregnant with my baby girl but if I get pregnant again then it might be different. And sometimes you really just don’t know.

I think a lot of people who are TTC are not excited about the royal baby tbh.

Original poster
RobertsMother · 06/05/2019 19:48

And just to round off my day, the royal baby is all over the news. God really hates me, though I knew that already to be fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
RobertsMother · 06/05/2019 19:40

I appear to have renewed brown spotting, bloating and cramps now. Really sure this is impending AF but idiot part of me thinks "May be implantation". Every. Single. Month.

With my son, no spotting, bloating or cramps in the two week wait. So I should know that symptoms =BFN.

OP posts:
Original poster
RobertsMother · 06/05/2019 19:38

I think he did well to be at work at all. I am seriously considering phoning in sick tomorrow because I cannot face the world and that is 10 months later. His boss should have been so impressed and careful with him.

OP posts:
AliceRR · 06/05/2019 16:40

Yep he used the phrase “man up” and “you need more steel”. It was only two weeks after we lost the baby and my husband was talking to him about how he was struggling as he was trying to read emails and couldn’t focus. He had a sick note but didn’t want to just take time off and drop his boss in it...

Original poster
RobertsMother · 06/05/2019 16:33

Man up???? What a stupid thing to say. I think people can be so horrible.

OP posts:
AliceRR · 06/05/2019 15:38

I don’t think I’d like acupuncture to be honest but I’ve heard of other women on the TTC boards find it helpful.

My husband’s boss was not very supportive. It’s a stressful job and he went back after two weeks pat leave. He found it difficult and his boss told him to “man up”! So he left and is at home atm but will be looking for another job.

He doesn’t really talk. He just tries to keep busy which I think a lot of men do

I hope t goes well if you go to the doctors

Original poster
RobertsMother · 06/05/2019 15:06

We do the insemination every day from day 7 until 2 days after lh surge (Though this might have been not correct this month).

My husband is struggling but doesn't talk to anyone but me. None of his friends have been great and he can't talk to his family. His work has links to maternity stuff so he finds it tough. They haven't been very sympathetic to him.

I tried accupuncture a few months ago and it didn't go well due to my fear of needles. I wish I could have done it as it sounds good.

OP posts:
AliceRR · 06/05/2019 14:27

How is your husband dealing with the loss OP?

This might not be helping with your sex life etc and the stress but I take on board what you say about why insemination works for you and I’m not trying to push you in that. It sounds like it worked before.

Do you inseminate a few times during your fertile period or just once?

When it comes to dtd to conceive the bus guidelines are to dtd every other day and the reason is partly because of the stress of trying to time everything perfectly. I think another reason is that the quality of sperm is said to be better if dtd regularly

A holiday is a good idea if you can do it. Anything that might help you both relax. We just moved house and have a really nice garden. My DH has been really enjoying his time outside in the garden and greenhouse. I think it’s been really good for him and for both of us we we are not in each others’ pockets!

I’ve heard acupuncture worked for fertility for some people x

Original poster
RobertsMother · 06/05/2019 13:48

@MightyAtlantic as nice as more frequent shagging would be, a mixture of grief, his difficult work patterns and general low libido means this is unlikely. I am considering booking a holiday. We are close by to Manchester Airport so I see the airplanes often- maybe that would help lighten our mood?

OP posts:
Original poster
RobertsMother · 06/05/2019 13:44

The traditional way is also complicated by the fact that my husband works shifts and is tired often. Not helping with the romance. I am in a more 9 to 5 situation with less stress so I don't have that I suppose.

OP posts:
MightyAtlantic · 06/05/2019 13:43

I would suggest that your husband has some psychosexual counselling, as frequent shagging would increase the chances of you getting pregnant.

Original poster
RobertsMother · 06/05/2019 13:38

@Veryveryverylate so sorry for your loss. I am glad you got your rainbow in the end but I am sure your son is always there in your heart too.

You give me hope that it is still possible for me to have a living child.

OP posts:
Original poster
RobertsMother · 06/05/2019 13:34

My husband can't do it the natural way. It's a psychological thing and he's never been able to "finish" the traditional way. We used home insemination for my son and it worked on the third attempt. My GP is aware of the home insemination. He said that if it worked for my son, it should work again but he thinks the stress might be making it take longer. He suggested that we could have sex therapy but there was no guarantee of success and I refused to stop TTC. I don't have time to waste.

If the NHS doesn't count home insemination as trying, then it is probably best that we are going private. If it comes to going NHS at any point, I will just leave out the stuff about home insemination or say that we use traditional as well.

OP posts:
AliceRR · 06/05/2019 13:30

I tried the local support group recently but the women running it admitted that the only way they smiled again was by having more children.

Well that’s not helpful is it

I think it’s natural to want another child and many people start straight away but it takes some people longer than others.

@Veryveryverylate Sorry for the loss of your DS

Did you conceive your son the "traditional" way? I would have thought going back to good old fashioned sex might improve your odds?

OP said she used insemination when she conceived her son but I agree trying things the “old fashioned way” might help (could be as well as using insemination...)

I'm not sure they count home insemination though.......

I wouldn’t tell them OP if it might affect your chances

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 06/05/2019 13:07

Hi OP I'm confused to why you are using home insemination??? Did you conceive your son the "traditional" way? I would have thought going back to good old fashioned sex might improve your odds?

The NHS guidelines are you can't have had living children so you should still qualify however you'll have to wait out the 12 months of trying at home - I'm not sure they count home insemination though.......
(When we received confirmation of our NHS IVF funding but then fell pregnant naturally the doctors told me not to cancel the IVF until DC was safely born to avoid having go through the funding process again)