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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Original poster

Never had PIV sex, not sure if I can, want baby

43 replies

TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere · 11/04/2019 11:48

Hello all, new here and really worrying about asking this.

I am nearly 30. No history of sexual abuse or assault. Identified as gay for a long time although am now in a long term relationship with a wonderful man and I really love him. But I have never had penetrative sex. Never used tampons. The only Cervical smear I had took three appointments and the GP finally had to do it instead of nurse. I've never wanted penetration-- it just doesn't make sense to me. When I first learned about it at school I was just confused by it and that has never changed! It just seems to be a completely absent part of my sexuality. DP and I have active but penetrative sex life.

The thing is, we'd absolutely love to have children. I have no idea what support or help is out there. I feel like the only person in the world with this problem. I read about people trying to conceive for months or years and it fills me with dread how many times they'd have to DTD in that time.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere · 11/04/2019 12:40

I honestly don't know how to explain this. It just feels like a completely alien thing to do. Imagine if the only way to conceive a baby was do take part in a really niche fetish, and you thought "God, if someone hadn't told me that, it would never have occurred to me to do that"... AND when you try, it's desperately painful. But the rest of the world seems to be doing it without question.

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WhatNow40 · 11/04/2019 12:40

The problem with home insemination is that you still need to insert something, not necessarily as big as a turkey baster but something like a medicine dosing syringe. They hold 5ml and aren't very wide or long, you may need the length of a turkey baster to get the semen to your cervix.

I'd start by trying to insert non applicator tampons. Even if you manage to get pregnant and agree a c-section, they still need to do an internal exam to measure your cervix dilation, at least once. Start slow, by yourself, and see if you are able to gently push your comfort zone. If not, it may give you a clearer picture of what triggers your inability to do this. Best of luck.

BoglingToAswad · 11/04/2019 12:39

I think the best thing to do is see your GP and explain your issues. It could be physical or mental but either way if it's causing you so much anxiety it's time to see the doctor and find out what's going on. Flowers

RainbowFox · 11/04/2019 12:38

Thing is even with fertility treatment, like IVF or IUI, at some point someone has got to go up there! So I think if you want to carry a biological child, you need to get to the root issue and try to resolve it.

Other options where you wouldn't have to carry would be surrogacy or adoption.

DinoGreen · 11/04/2019 12:38

There’s no way to get pregnant without putting things in your vagina I’m afraid. My friend who went through IVF had far more invasive prodding/internal scans/swabs/suppositories etc than I ever had to experience getting pg naturally. Even if you did home insemination, you’d have to put it right up there to stand a chance of conceiving. So agree with others that I think you’ll need to have some kind of therapy perhaps to work on it - do you have vaginismus?

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 11/04/2019 12:35

I know this sounds stupid/obvious but what exactly don’t you like about the idea of it. Do you think it’s going to hurt, do you think it’s gross, do you feel embarrassed? If you can work out what you don’t like about the idea that’s probably a good starting point.

PippilottaLongstocking · 11/04/2019 12:33

If you don’t need any internal scans (I never did, so not sure what circumstances require them), and choose elective c-section you may well be able to avoid anyone going anywhere near that area, so long as the pregnancy runs smoothly. I’m not sure how you’ll manage to get pregnant though!

Original poster
TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere · 11/04/2019 12:31

It is necessary. The risks are lower, but they aren't zero.

"But HPV is passed on through body fluids, like other sexually transmitted infections. This means that oral sex, transferring vaginal fluids on hands and fingers, or sharing sex toys can all be ways of being exposed to HPV."
www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-39230807

OP posts:
putastrawunderbaby · 11/04/2019 12:30

Uncalled for @pricessTiasmum

Nixen · 11/04/2019 12:29

If I were you I would concentrate on getting counselling and working out why you have this issue

Original poster
TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere · 11/04/2019 12:29

@BoglingToAswad
Both. It's hard to tell because I was dreading it for the pain, it was terribly painful, and so I found it really distressing...

@Tiasmum
Rephrased: If I were to succeed at ttc, I am then really worried about how I'll cope with pregnancy examinations and the birth for the same reasons

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VanillaCoconutDove · 11/04/2019 12:29

Why did you have a smear if you’ve never had Piv? I didn’t think it was necessary.

BoglingToAswad · 11/04/2019 12:28

@princessTiasmum that was clearly a joke.

princessTiasmum · 11/04/2019 12:23

Is this real? birth the baby through your belly button?
Poor man if its real ,set him free!

BoglingToAswad · 11/04/2019 12:20

When you were having your smear test did the problem seem to be physical or mental, or both?

Original poster
TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere · 11/04/2019 12:14

I have an appointment with a nurse for next week. I don't really know what to ask for - medical support? More emotional-type support, like therapy? Or just workaround methods of ttc? Also even if I did succeed, I sincerely hope they can do ALL the pregnancy-related examinations and birth the baby through my belly button!

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BoglingToAswad · 11/04/2019 11:54

Do you think you would be able to home inseminate?

Your aversion seems to be more extreme than just a dislike. Have you considered asking your GP for a referral to someone who can help?

Original poster
TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere · 11/04/2019 11:53

*active but never penetrative sex life

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