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Conception

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Original poster

Like talking to a brick wall

30 replies

Juniperb123 · 18/03/2019 22:24

Tried having the when are you ready for a baby chat a few months ago and hit a brick wall with shrugs and "I dunno" I've been with my partner for 7 years now. I tried to have the conversation with him in light hearted ways and in a serious sit down and talk like actual adults but I never seem to get an answer. I am 28 and have arthritis and currently doing fine but I know ill need to decide to have a child sooner rather than later, I don't think my joints are going to cope well with pregnancy in another 7 years time. I'm currently on cerazette and tried to have the conversation about coming off the pill and switching to condoms, so that my body would go back to normal for when the time is right for us to ttc, which led to another round of "I dunno" and shrugging... Feeling a bit down about it all, one minute he say things like "when we have children it'll look this this, or act like that" and the next minute it's like he won't even entertain the idea that in 12 months time we might revisit the "when do you want to have a baby conversation" any ideas?

OP posts:
Original poster
Juniperb123 · 19/03/2019 08:28

If he would just talk about it I wouldn't feel so frustrated, but he knows by avoiding the conversation I won't bring it up for a while he just says its a big decision and he needs time to think. I understand its a big decision but he won't discuss anything about it. Then you question whether he just won't ever want them. Is he just waiting it out until I think I'm not able to go through with a pregnancy and that'll make the decision for the both of us? I've always said I wouldn't want to be an older mum due to my condition, so I don't know why it's coming as a shock to him that I want to discuss this. I'm trying not to push him but I feel like turning around and saying I'm coming off the pill here's some condoms, now it's upto you. It's not like we can't afford it, he lives in my house and I'm the main breadwinner

OP posts:
custardtarts · 19/03/2019 08:13

Most men have a Peter Pan complex - they can't ever imagine growing up! I had these arguments with my husband - men don't seem to experience the passing of time like us women - in the end I just said look I've coming off the pill - there is no guarantees that we ll get pregnant the first month so you'll have some time to get your head round it.....I was right and it took us a couple of years including a 12 week miscarriage - once his sperm test results came back poor he agreed to ivf straight away.

I found getting him to agree to ttc nr 2 much much easier as he now knows how wonderful it is being a daddy x

Kinsters · 19/03/2019 04:29

I'd stop the pill if I were you. Obviously tell him about it but do stop taking it. It's totally reasonable to want to give your body a break from the hormones.

At the moment he sounds kind of non-committal either way? You going off the pill will force him to actually think about it and make a decision - either try for a baby or use condoms. At the moment you're the one taking the action and he's clearly happy to just sit back and maintain status quo without having to take any decisions himself. Just my two cents.

When we started trying for a baby it was my decision to get my coil taken out. I told DH that I'd made an appointment and that was that - he carried on having sex with me and that's how we decided to start trying when we did.

Original poster
Juniperb123 · 18/03/2019 23:58

Yes he understands that I wouldn't want to put my health at risk by going through a pregnancy really past the age of 30, that I would need to have one in the next couple of years to be on the safe side. I would like to be able to play on the floor with them without struggling to get up whilst they're little etc. Pregnancy is hard on your body and I don't want to be in agony for 9 months if I can help it.
He won't say he doesn't want a baby, but he also won't say when he would like a baby, not even rough time line, like 6 months, 2 years, 5 years etc.
Generally relationship is good, he can be on the lazy side sometimes and I find he regresses to acting like a teenager sometimes with play computer games until a stupid time in the morning. But nothing horrendous, but I feel like the lack of conversation about planning children to be a real issue, I've given him time and space. I've been clear with him that I would like to stop the pill so that when he is ready to ttc that I'm not waiting 18 months to start ovulating.
I just find it frustrating and upsetting, it does make me question if there is a future for us. I love him, but the thought of being unable to have a child because he waited too long really upsets me.
If he was just honest with me that would be fine but how can you have a conversation if the other person just sits there and shrugs it off

OP posts:
babyfloof · 18/03/2019 23:25

It sounds like he's not ready for a baby. Does he understand how your health issues might effect a pregnancy? How is your relationship besides this?