Hi all. What a day........honestly. I'm go to write a very "me" post and I apologise now but feel I need to get it all off my chest!
Like I said before, I am a Deputy Head in a large Secondary school (it's a 3-18 school with 1700 students in total) and about 1000 in Secondary. I have worked really hard to get where I am at 36 - I have been a Head of Dept, Head of Year, Assistant Head and now here. I've been at my current school for 7 years at the end of this academic year and have always enjoyed it as I like the challenge and the busyness of it all. But I am really beginning to reach the end. I hate it at times for all kinds of reasons, none of which I can really put on here but it's very stressful, very demanding and very emotionally draining. It's not like working in the UK and I don't deal with students who have parents doing drugs etc but there are all kinds of other issues. We are really high performing as a school etc etc.
When I was pregnant from Jan-March last year and Oct-Dec last year I worried the whole time about work, which is ridiculous as I want to have a family more than anything. But I don't know how having children will fit into our lives which is why we have put it off until I am 36 almost 37 and we should have done it 10 years ago. But I digress......I get to work for 7am and leave about 5pm and then I work in the evening but I have cut this right back. I often have evening things at school - for example next week I have an information evening from 6pm-8pm so I will be at work from 7am-8pm and then the same again on Wednesday. We have been asked (the executive team) to come into work on Saturday (your version of Sunday) to work on something big that is happening at the moment. How would I do all of that if I had a child at nursery etc?!
Obviously we would find a way and work would probably give me some kind of consideration. I know that money isn't everything and I could give it up my husband would never agree to that and we have all kinds of financial plans to pay things off. And I know that I am in a really lucky position where we both have jobs that are reasonably well paid.
But then I felt really guilty each time I had a miscarriage as I felt that I had worried about work and maybe it was sign that I shouldn't be a mother. I can't believe I am writing all of this as it sounds terrible when I put it down, but it is how I have felt at times. Because loads of people with demanding jobs have babies and things adapt etc.
Then there is the issue that I really want to move from where I am as I don't like it anymore. But I put off applying for 2 really good jobs last year that I think I could have got in schools I would prefer as I was pregnant at the time and it would have been difficult. So I decided to stay and take the maternity leave and then both times it ended up with nothing anyway. So I am stuck in a job I don't want to do because I thought I would have a baby and have something else to focus on but now I don't have that either!!!
I applied for a job 2 weeks ago and haven't heard anything back which is a shame as I think I am more qualified and have more experience than most other people who will apply so it's back to the drawing board. I would love to change careers but I've never had a secret hobby I could turn into a business or any kind of back up plan.
But TTC is also not compatible with working 13 hour days and then the commute on top of it. I started my acupuncture again on the weekend, was then meant to go again on Wednesday and had to cancel it as I had to work late, rearranged for today and then had to cancel again as the meeting went on too late this afternoon. The appointment is rearranged for Sat and then I was told today I have to go to work on Saturday!!!
ARRGHHHHHHHHH
I am aware this is the longest essay ever, and I don't really think anyone will have the answer for me. But I just wanted to put it out there and I think/hope I will feel better for at least expressing how I felt about the guilt and the mc and my job!!!
Sorry everyone. I will try and reply to other posts later or tomorrow and not just be all selfish :-(