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Conception

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Original poster

any positive ideas on what i can do...just 50 and dp has left me out of the blue because he has realised that he really really wants his own children...

122 replies

zippit · 27/06/2007 06:59

.....he didn't tell me so we haven't been trying

he has noc children and I have three, the youngest 19

I am devbastated

I will do anything..I am having periods

I am so heart broken

i so wish I had known how he felt

he is 39 and I am just 50 it's all over isn't it

he went yesterday (he dropped ds at the station and was gone for ages so i rang his mobile and he picked up accidentally and I could hear the conversation and he was signing a contractg for a bedsit it was completely surreal and he wasn't going to tell me to the weekend)and he loves me and wants to be friends

zippi

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Original poster
zippit · 01/07/2007 09:52

hi franny

I do thinkto some extent he has gone a bit mad, also proabably been depressed which I am too selfish to have really noticed

I am such a keen observer of my own mental health that i probably don't think of others

I think he just assumed that we couldn't have children because of my age and that really i wouldn't want to and i did make a fuss about looking after dgs three or four days a week, but that was dd2s baby not mine

bear in mind that he doesn't have computer access so not like he would look things up that easily

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Dottydot · 01/07/2007 09:49

This is really WHY didn't he pluck up the courage to talk about it - years earlier, preferably? Will resist from further grumblings but I really feel for you - he's put you both in this devastating position.

FrannyandZooey · 01/07/2007 09:47

Just seen this zippi, I am gutted for you. It sounds like he has gone a bit mad in some ways, I am wondering (as you must be) if he may come to his senses and come back. However I guess this will always be an issue now whatever happens next.

I did work for a woman who had a baby after fertility treatment, age 48. I don't know what treatment she had, sorry. Are you sure that is a route you are willing to go down? it seems so incredibly drastic. If he wants children with you, why is that not something that HE has considered before?

Original poster
zippit · 01/07/2007 09:45

ds is a student now and is a bit of a flitter in and out of the house I think it was coincidence of timing and I think dp has acted fairly impulsively ....he knows i think how easily he could have been talked out of it temporarily at least but that wouldn't have changed things iyswim

my older dd is here and bossing me about dd2 is living with her dp nearby they are both shocked

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PollyLogos · 01/07/2007 09:41

Well I personally wouldn't tell ds, not much he can do about it and its a shame to upset him on holiday. On the other hand maybe dp should phone him and tell him?

I have to be honest and say that this is the first thing you've said that has surprised me. Why did your dp do this the same day that ds was leaving for an extended holiday? Maybe I am seeing too much into it, just seems a bit Do you have any other dcs at home with you? or are you all on your own now?

Original poster
zippit · 01/07/2007 09:40

xenia or anyone else

do you know anyone who has had a child through egg donation at this age

I have looked it up now and it seems that it is reasonably successful...even with people who have never had children which seem to be the majority..of course the numbers are really low as most people don't even think about it I guess and it is expensive

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Tiggiwinkle · 01/07/2007 09:40

I am sure the reality of what he has done will be hitting him as he sits alone in his flat Zippi. Don't give up hope-I have a feeling he won't be away for too long.

Original poster
zippit · 01/07/2007 09:34

I don't think he realises how much he means to ds..he has been here since ds was 11 and he is now 19 and ds is only interested in dp not me! they do geez stuff together

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Original poster
zippit · 01/07/2007 09:32

my ds will be devastated that he has left...ds went to hongkong to stay for the summer with his dad the day i found out and i can't tell him while he is there as he will be too upset and exh is hardly the person to be a shoulder to cry on

but ds doesn't come back until spetmeber and he will be equally upset that he wasn't told

he rang the other day from the airport and asked where dp was and i lied he was watching tv

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PollyLogos · 01/07/2007 09:29

...and in a very important way because he is a loved family member without the genetic connection. Sorry i keep thinking of other things

Original poster
zippit · 01/07/2007 09:28

I was 50 a few weeks ago and he is 40 in ocrober

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Original poster
zippit · 01/07/2007 09:27

he did ask me a few weeks ago why my sister didn't have any children and we had a conversation about that..I assume she never wanted them herself as i know she has been on the pill all her life..she is 56..it is an indication of how private we all are that i have never felt I could discuss why she doesn't have children with her

nayway him bringing that topic up I guess now that this was part of trying to talk about it but not quite getting there

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PollyLogos · 01/07/2007 09:27

But he is also a part of your family - children and grandchildren and so he is already affecting the future and leaving his mark in eternity.

PollyLogos · 01/07/2007 09:24

Ι am not being at all sarcastic when I ask this zippit, but is his 40th birthday coming up soon? I found 40 by far the most traumatic birthday so far. Its just that that last comment about eternity smacks of assessing your life so far and wondering what else you are going to do. Something that we all do between 40 and 50 (I think)

elasticbandstand · 01/07/2007 09:22

i too think it is some form of crisis. Approaching 40 makes us do strange things. I really hope for your sake he comes to his senses.

Tiggiwinkle · 01/07/2007 09:19

Very sorry to read this. I agree that it does seem bizarre, though, for him to leave without discussing the issue beforehand, especially since it is not an impossibility for you to conceive. (I had my last DS at 42 without even trying !) Hope you manage to sort things out between you.

Original poster
zippit · 01/07/2007 09:18

he assures me there is no one else and I 99% believe him, he is always with me except he works two nights as a taxi driver

and yes he has said some weird things about believing that everything you do is there for eternity and if he has a child it will be this representation in eternity

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Original poster
zippit · 01/07/2007 09:15

lack of knowledge i think xenia he knows nothing at all about this subject and he has no money at all..he has borowed the depsoit for hte flat from his mum who recently inherited a small legacy

he has taken all his stuff which fitted in the boot of my car

we are about the lowest income on mn...i have equity in the house and a mortagage but no income we have been living off the mortgage

we would have to use the money from selling the house to pay for the treatment...

life is never simple is it

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Carmenere · 01/07/2007 09:12

So sorry to hear of this Zippi Are you 100 per cent sure that there is no one else? Sorry to ask but men rarely actually leave to sort out problems in their head. And you say he is in turmoil and distressed, could this be because of guilt?
I know I could be totally wrong but it is worth considering, mainly because his behaviour is soo weird.

Judy1234 · 01/07/2007 09:06

What's stopping him having his own biological chidren and staying with you? It's not impossbile to hire a surrogate, in the US if yo have to with his sperm etc.

You need to try to get to the bottom of what he means. If it's just children it's bizarre to leave because you haven't even tried. Women have children. You can have them into your 60s with a donated egg. So has he another issue - wants children with someone else? Doesn't want to be with you?

chocolateteapot · 01/07/2007 09:05

Zippi, I am so sorry to hear this I am in my late 30s now and was a bit sceptical about the whole male mid life crisis thing until I have seen it happening all around me - quite a few of my friend's DH's are behaving distinctly weirdly at the moment, one has recently left as he "doesn't know what he wants".

PollyLogos · 01/07/2007 09:01

I don't feel 50 either!! I have to remind myself that I am, eg when walking along the street i catch myself thinking "ohh he's good looking" then realise that" 'he'is about 30! But when I look at 50+ year olds they seem wayyy to old for me!! (not that I am looking for anyone new but one can look can't one?

You obviously care about him a lot and he you so I hope time will help you both sort this out whilst maintaining your friendship whatever the final outcome.

Original poster
zippit · 01/07/2007 08:48

and nice to say hello to another older mner numbers do thin off at this age!

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Original poster
zippit · 01/07/2007 08:47

thanks polly..your post is lovely

I don't feel 50

I think it's space he needs tbh

he isn't looking to find someone else now

he is as muddled as me and I looking back i can see that he was struggling ..but being so wrapped up in building this house we haven't talked except about that

I am exploring the possibility even if that means it goes nowehre, I will take each step and keep thinking and thinking

I hate that he isn't here, but he is coming later as we have agreed he will carry on with work on the house...it is very odd but tbh we are odd

He is very lovely as a person and I asm quite upset that he has gone through all this trauma on his own

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PollyLogos · 01/07/2007 08:40

"if only I was 40" don't say that zippit. I too am 50 so do know where you are coming from. But, at the end of the day it IS only a number. I know plenty of 30 year olds who act like they are 60 and vice versa. I have also come across several menopausal women who had accidents and had late babies. (watch out for twins it's quite common i understand around menopause!)

I think the only thing to be done at the moment is talk through everything. Now that you are aware of how he feels and he knows your feelings, maybe give him the space of living alone but keep talking, talking, talking. Not trying to persuade him to do anything differently at the moment but to at least explore everything that you are both thinking.

My dh had a massive midlife crisis a few years ago and I only now think we are coming out the other side. I don't like the way everything is, even now, but patience has become my middle name! and i have learnt some stuff about myself along the way.