My lover is going to leave me if I don't get pregnant

No I am not a troll!!
Just don't get a chance to get on a computer much.
Sorry, shall keep my mouth firmly shut and bog off somehwere else.

troll?

Hi been away from Mumsnet for ages and don't usually post much anyway, but this made me sad, sympathetic and angry..
Sympathetic because I do think that you are both being honest about what you want and as marriage IMO is a big hopefully permanent commitment, you need to have these sort of frank discussions before you go ahead.
Sad, though because the way forward, also of course IMHO, is not to desparately try and do what the other person wants to try and make it work - my BIL married his wife on this basis (though totally different issue), desparately trying to conform to her idea of what he should be, and they split up after 14 months and he's now divorced age 27. No-one should ever marry someone thinking they can change them!
Angry - what exactly are your views on children and having them?? I work in a very socially disadvantaged area, supporting children and their (mostly biological)parents who have emotional and behavioural probs. some of the most challenging children I work with come from families that on the surface seem very functional - but a really common theme is lack of proper attachment between mother and child, often due to depression, mental illness, violence..things that can happen to all sorts of people..what I'm saying is don't ever ever have a child unless you want to or you risk your relationship with that child going pear shaped...sorry for huge long post I tend to waffle on when I get going...

To be honest I'm quite freaked out by this thread - there was something about the whole thing from the start thta didn't sit well with me although i couldn't put my finger on it.

Then I got to crack whore - probably I'm sensitive because i'm adopted but please - what on earth?!

pukes at the term 'sweetheart'

fgs this is a ridiculous thread and am quite that i actually took the time to bother to try and respond to it.

RW, the sperm idea won't increase your chances. As long as he is regularly making love then you will always have milions of sperm in and around you. Putting a few more up there won't make a difference. But I think for both you given your age you should be checked out soon - his sperm might not be fertile etc.

Adoption is out because you know of one adopted baby with behavioural problems - I assume you know no children being raised by their biological parents who have similar problems I have an adopted niece and nephew and they are lovely, and loved. If you're struggling to conceive, you might want to be a bit less flippant about some of the options for having a family.

oooh, missed that post, that is just freaky.

If you have decided he is the one for you, and you are comfortable with his response to the proposal - then go for it!!

Maybe not quite so often tho!

It sounds like you are manically trying to make this happen, I think you should calm down, slow down, and see what happens. By all means speak to your GP etc about tests, it would be worth establishing if there is a problem with either of you at this point.

If you don't fall pregnant and he chooses to leave you it won't be the end of the world!

I am interested what you would do, though, if the tests came back that he had fertility problems?!?!?!?

I think there is a big difference between wanting to spend the rest of your life with somebody with whom you share interests, hopes and aspirations including children, and rejecting somebody because they are not fertile. I would not marry somebody who didn't want children because their goals and values would be so different to mine. However, I wouldn't ask somebody to take a fertility test before marrying them.

Just to start with, miscarriage is very common - would he support you through this? What if there was some kind of question mark over the baby's health - what would his views be? It can take a long time to conceive - is he giving you a deadline? I just think that having problems conceiving is one of the things on the big long list of "sh*t happens" events that we can expect life to throw at us. If you marry somebody you do anchor yourself to their fate - for better or worse, and I think talking about being "trapped in a childless marriage" at this stage is not a very good foundation for the future.

Message withdrawn

sperm in the fridge and the POV that all adopted babies are born by crack whores

just not ringing true

But obviously, if some one believes that sperm can be home refrigerated, adoption must be rocket science.

I'm stunned by your description of your dp's cousin's child!

"crack whore" !

"It has loads of behaviourable problems and spends most of the day doped up on Ritalin so we've both been put off that idea." !

There are no guarantees with children you know, you might conceive a child who has behavioural problems and special needs. What will you and your dp do then?

"Can you put sperm in your fridge? I had this idea that during non-fertile days we could save up his sperm and then when I ovulate bung it all in. That would increase my chances by 10-20 times. Could that work?"

Simply put no this would not work. Where did you get this idea from?.

You cannot just freeze sperm in the fridge and bung it all in when "the time is right".

Besides anything else timing of intercourse can cause more problems than its worth.

At IVF clinics they use liquid nitrogen to freeze sperm. Sperms are complicated things and there is much about them that is not known. Sperm freezing and defrosting as a process is full of pitfalls.

I would say to you also that if you have been trying for more than six months without success then a visit to the GP may well be in order for you both to be tested.

Refrigerated sperm would not work.

Erm, I think that that is quite a strange resposne to a proposal and, if he really wanted to have children then probably that could have been mentioned before?

However, there are people who really have clear whether they want to have children or not. One of my friends ended up a 10 years long marriage because her husband was never ready to have children (unfortunately she left her so late that now she can not have them ). And, I have another friend who is getting a bit of a problem with her marriage as her husband is desperate for a kid and she can't even picture the idea of having one!.

Knowing what each other is expecting from a marriage is a good base for a good marriage. Although if he wants children and you don't/can't, I don't understand why is he wasting your time.

Rosemary I'm not an expert but I think having sex on your fertile days would work better than refirdgerated sperm