Yam Fam!

@JustLikeTheySaid @Owlpatrol know what you mean. Made the mistake of logging onto Instagram this afternoon and there's an ex-colleague of mine who is 6 weeks ahead of what I was, having her baby shower. Did. Not. Need. To. See. That.

Not having ANY control over when we can try again isn't helping either (we need ovulation induction) - don't even know when that is at this stage since all depends on tests and doctors. Cried into DH's lap for a fair part of the afternoon.

Oh and a strong coffee

Btw saw 3 new borns in fucking costa today, fml. So then proceeded to have said chat above with dp, a few tears helped

Hi all just wanted to check in

Waiting for fp to finish, it's been a really hard shitty new year and so not ready to think of new years resolutions which don't involve dtd. Had another good chat to dp today about testing and he's agreed to test so need to get him to ring doctor on Monday. Because he has two dc from previous we don't think it's him but won't get referred for scans etc until his sperm analysis is back. Had to literally spell it out to him. Anyway can't think about babies nor not bring pregnant or being pregnant right now. Just feel so numb so your not on your own @JustLikeTheySaid sending hugs

Been clearing out the house like a mad woman today, it's been quite therapeutic and I highly recommend it, along with a bottle of red wine tonight!

@JustLikeTheySaid your not a bad person at all I think it's totally normal to feel that way x

2DPO for me today.

Anyone struggling with the total hopelessness of it? I almost feel like I just don't care anymore... Even though I absolutely do care obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be so heartbroken every month.

I am sick of watching everyone else get pregnant at the drop of a hat. It isn't fair and I'm not a bad person. I'm NOT a bad person.

Sorry for the doom and gloom. Feeling really down today.

@BGDino I'm glad your looking after yourself. x

@BGDino

Thank you for all your messages. Looking forward for fp to vanish!

@Owlpatrol I hate it when people do that. Crossing everything for you this cycle.

@cupcakesandglitter went to see my boss today and I ended up taking another month of long service leave. My mental health has deteriorated badly over the last couple of days and I’m not well enough for desk work never mind clinical right now. Luckily I’m seeing my counsellor and psychiatrist Tuesday and Wednesday. Currently at the gym trying to use physical discomfort to distract myself from all the dark thoughts.

@Pinkemi thanks

@Owlpatrol what a stupid thing for someone to say. I hope your ok I think people that don't know really don't get it I know I didn't even my other half doesn't and he's living it x

@BGDino I agree it's so hard to talk outside of yam fam, even talking to dp is hard and he doesn't really understand. Other day we had customers at work who bought a kid who was screaming and my boss said to me, do you really want kids, do you really want that? I don't know why you want kids? So I just said, doesn't look like I have a choice of whether I want them or not. I mean how insensitive?

So I'm on cycle day 3 came on early as not due till tomorrow

@Pinkemi definitely!! It's almost like it's shameful to talk about it but actually why should we feel like that? We can't control it and it doesn't mean we're failures or anything like that, we should feel so much more empowered whether we're struggling or not but unfortunately we aren't 😩

@BGDino Just wanted to check in and see how you were. (hugs)

@cupcakesandglitter I agree with you.. I think TTC struggles should be discussed more often! Its only when i opened up to a couple of friends of mine on our struggles.. did one admit that she had struggled to. I think more people struggle that you realise!

@BGDino I guess you've got until you get the letrozole to think about what you want to do? If the doctor said it's rare something comes back is that leaning you towards trying sooner rather than after the reports? Please take some time off (or go to the doctors and see if you want some signed time off) if your mental health isn't the best right now, it's completely understandable and you need to still be looking after yourself regardless of the decision you make. It is annoying because no one ever speaks about the struggle with TTC, it's only ever boasts I hear about how fast it happened/unplanned etc which is crap but there are plenty of us who all have struggled and have a shit time with TTC. We're all here for you x

DH asked the obstetrician how often it is that the autopsy report turns up something and he said it was rare.

I had more than 12 tubes of blood taken today for testing, including genetic screening.

At the moment I'm on oestrogen and then progesterone for a month to shed what's left of my uterine lining. I will need to go back to my fertility specialist after that to get letrozole to trigger a cycle (won't happen on its own).

I talked to two of my friends, one is a public health physician and the other is a general physician, and they both thought not waiting for the final report was reasonable.

This thread is really the only place I can talk about all this. No-one I know offline has had any problems of any kind having children

I'm scheduled to go back to work on Monday, which isn't making me feel better

Do you need a prescription to start your cycle off again @BGDino maybe if you go to your gp it might give you the opportunity to discuss the pros and cons with someone else? Problem is no one can possible know what they would do unless they'd been through it themselves so it must be hard finding people to talk to about it. X

@BGDino what's the chances of there being another genetic problem, do you know? Or would the report tell you that? X

@impatientmammy @cupcakesandglitter I don’t know what to do, I feel so conflicted. DH says he’ll support my choice

Ah @BGDino sorry 😩 what do you think you'll do? X

@BGDino I'm sorry your going though all this i can't even begin to imagine how your feeling. I can see why your torn with what to do how's your other half feeling? Is he unsure too? X

Oh, forgot to add I asked the obstetrician about the spotting. I got scanned to make sure there wasn’t any placenta left, he put it down to the lining needing to shed as I don’t get periods, so I’m on 28 days of oestrogen then oestrogen and progesterone (14 days then 14 days) to make it shed.

I had my much waited for follow up with the obstetrician today and I didn’t get the certainty that I was looking for.

I’m being sent off for a battery of tests including genetic screening, blood clotting problems. My obstetrician has not heard anything from the pathologists doing the autopsy on my baby. He wants us to wait on trying again until he gets something from them but a final autopsy report can take up to 6 to 8 months. He said that up to 1 in 3 couples don’t wait for the report before trying again and it’s rare that something comes up.

The risk of not waiting for the report is that there’s something syndromic (ie. genetic problem) that happened to my son that could happen again with another pregnancy and that could cause me to lose another one. On the other hand I don’t think my mental health will hold out for waiting 6 to 8 months. I don’t know what to do, I’m so confused and disappointed.

Sorry chick not sure @BGDino have you tried calling the doctor?

I'm experiencing pre Af spotting soooo even though it's a few days early expecting af any day

Sorry @BGDino I really don't know I just didn't want to ignore your comment? How you feeling today? X

I’m still spotting 6 weeks after my MC - normal?!