TTC after pregnancy loss - thread 26 - BFPs are coming!

I can see it! @angelbabyollie

I see something @Angelbabyollie! Fingers crossed it darkens up plenty in the next few days. What lovely news, and good signs I think for your implantation and Ollie's blessing via the butterfly ❤️

So today is cd23, had pink cm cd 20 and cd22 brown hint in cm, cramping so am thinking af on way but today has gone.. have done a million tests as not symptom spotting at all they are all 20miu/ml. So because I have no patients went out and bought first response 6 days early and I see a v v v faint line within 5 mins ( as I was trying not to look as thought would be -ve) does anyone else see it? I am trying not to get my hopes up, I am really emotional today my Ollie would have been 6 months and had a butterfly randomly land on my head in out field was there a while before flew off - apparently was really beautiful one ! Sorry am rambling so many emotions! Xxx

@hayleyfx - thank you and good luck with EPAU. Fx for you, after such a difficult year.

@knitkitty thank you - I think I am in a similar place to you with the bleeding now very light, but seemingly never ending. My HCG today is down to 6, so hopefully the end is near. I hope your GP appointment went well and you got your referral.

@mistymeow - thanks no idea on the CD7 pain/pressure but fx it's a good sign for you.

I generally feel like I am coping pretty well, but worry maybe too well. I haven't taken any time off work the last two miscarriages as both have been early, and didn't want to sit at home dwelling on it. However, I am worried that this might not be a good thing and was wondering about counselling. How did you ladies find a counsellor? GP referral? I would really like to see someone face to face, rather than over the phone. Thanks x

@MeghanV07 that sounds painful, sorry to hear. CD21 is a tough time, although creamy cm can also be a positive sign too! I have everything crossed. Hope the pain subsides soon.
@hayleyfx glad to hear that you will be having a scan on friday- that should give you your answers. Could the sickness be pregnancy related? If you start to get a temperature do ring the doctor's, just in case.
@russkispy sorry about the bfn. That sucks. Your attitude of looking forwards is great. I try not to dwell on things and treat ttc like an enemy that needs to be beaten! But it does drag you down at times and it can become all consuming. We are waiting for an IVF appointment.
@knitkitty thanks, I do have some ic on their way. But I had a negative opk today and the spotting has subsided. Sorry you are feeling down but completely normal in the circumstances. Sounds like you have a great GP. Do you have anything planned for the week? I usually find going for a swim, walk or wandering around a museum helps distract me when I feel down. Sometimes I just need to sit in, eat a load of crisps and cuddle my cat :) I'm not feeling great tbh, the due date is looming.

I still don't know why I have this pressure feeling and aches in my tummy at cd7? I sometimes get this before af. I guess it must just be hormones or getting ready for ovulation. I feel like someone is sitting on me, and my trousers are too tight. Any ideas? I can't be pg, my temp is way too low.

@KnitKitty thank you! Somehow I thought it wouldn't work as the dominant follicle was on the left. Both my successful IUIs/pregnancies were from the right. Coincidence?
IUI is now booked. Will be flying home on cd10 after taking Clomid.
And potentially IVF in December if IUI doesn't work in November.
I'm determined to get my BFP and successful pregnancy. Again giving my everything each cycle.
Sorry you're feeling down. It really is shit! 

@MeghanV07 sorry to hear you’ve not been feeling great, hope you’re feeling better soon! & thank you

@KnitKitty yeah I’ve been having my usual symptoms of pregnancy especially exhaustion and a bit of nausea but sometimes wonder if I’m imagining them! I’m sorry you’re feeling down

Hope everyone else is feeling a bit better than me today, I’ve picked up a stomach bug from somewhere and feel absolutely awful - practically slept in the bathroom last night as I couldn’t take my head out of the toilet 😂🤦‍♀️ Hope it goes soon!

*@Mistymeow I know POAS is a bit of a mind f** but perhaps in this circumstance it would help to at least rule out one possibility? My first pregnancy started a bit like how you're describing.
Have you taken another OPK? If it's still positive that's quite strange...
It does sound like your cycles are quite changeable though so might just be a 'normal oddity'. hope things become clearer soon. xxx

@hayleyfx I'm glad EPU are looking into it. Do you feel like you are pregnant?

@Russkispy I really admire your determination. Stay strong. xxx

@MeghanV07 Sorry you've not been well. The boob thing sounds nasty. Hope you're getting enough rest. xxx

So I saw the GP. He's signed me off for the rest of the week.
My blood results from Friday 12th showed HCG levels at 48 and he informed me the bloods taken a week ago (Tuesday 16th) it'd gone down to 13. Bit hard to hear even though I knew it; and strangely reassuring that the miscarriage went in the right direction, if that makes any sense. So very mixed feelings about that.
He's referring me to the recurrent miscarriage clinic and thinks it's about a two month wait. He gave me a note to give to the receptionist so she could see if she was able to book the appointment for me, which she wasn't able to, but she did put through an appointment request and I have a number to ring if they don't contact me by the 6th November.
Not really processed it all yet. I went for a long walk after the appointment and had a cry. Feeling a bit numb now.

How is everyone else today?

@MeghanV07 I'm 11-12 days post IUI

Morning ladies

Hope everyone is doing okay ❤️. Sorry I've been quiet, was really poorly last Sunday and had really bad pains in my boobs, they swelled up massively and I was in agony. My right boob went down to normal but my left is still huge and hard. Went to the Dr's and they said it can be hormone related and when AF arrives it should go back to normal, but if it doesn't I need to go back 😖.

Hope your GP appointment goes well today @KnitKitty ❤️.

Glad you're having a scan on Friday @hayleyfx I have everything crossed for you!

@Russkispy do you know how many DPO you are?

Hope you're okay @InDreamland and @strawberrye

Currently CD21, convinced I haven't ovulated, having lots of creamy CM so I'm sure AF is getting geared up. Feel. Shit.

Xxx

Just took the test and it's BFN. It's crap of course. But the fight is not over till I get there. Whatever it takes! Next IUI next month. In the meantime will get going with my acupuncture and reflexology and all supplements I've been taking for a while now.

@Laney79 thank you 💕 I’m glad your tests so far have come back normal but do understand wanting some answers, I know what you mean. I hope it’s all just a case of ‘bad luck’ - I hate saying that!! But I really hope it is. Hope you’re feeling a bit better now!

@fnej01 thank you! I’m so sorry you’ve had another loss, I hope you’re doing okay

@Yukka @KnitKitty thanks for asking I phoned the EPU today as I couldn’t get through yesterday. They agreed that it was a very strange situation and have booked me in for Friday morning to have a scan. They told me it could have been a threatened miscarriage but don’t want to get my hopes up - I don’t really have any hope for this bean anyway tbh! I know that sounds awful but fully expecting this to be retained products or something similar. If there was a healthy bean then it would be a miracle haha!! Will let you all know how Friday goes 😊
Hopefully will finally get this sorted.
@KnitKitty so sorry that you’ve had to go through this again. I hope you’re feeling a bit better soon and the acupuncture sounds like a great idea. Also hope the spotting finally stops for you!

@InDreamland sorry to hear you’ve been feeling so down. I hope you have a lovely holiday, you definitely deserve a break.

Sorry to anyone I’ve missed, I’ve written this whilst babysitting my 5 year old niece who is running around the house singing baby shark on repeat so it was a bit rushed haha! Hope everyone is okay

@KnitKitty thank you, yes I'm hopeful that dh's swimmers are improving. He'll get tested in November, check hormone levels etc. Sorry to hear the spotting has re-started, what a nuisance. I really hope it stops soon but it sounds like it's slowing down at least. I admire your strength so much. You are definitely doing all the right things.

In answer to your question, no it wasn't a normal af. It arrived a day early and was mainly brown/black with some bits of red (sorry for the tmi!) and light (lasted 2 days then spotting). I haven't taken any tests. I have had a few weird afs since miscarriage and it's not unheard of for me to ovulate on day 11 but I can't believe it on cd6. My tummy feels tight too. I'm very confused!

Spoke too soon. Just had some more brown spotting. Will it never end!?!?!?!?!

Thank you again everyone for your kind messages.

@Rachael321 Hi! Sorry for your loss. Sometimes AF is weird for a while after MC. Hope your body starts to make more sense soon!

@Melpops36 Having a BFP after loss is not the joyous occasion you might expect. The worry and anxiety is totally understandable. All you can do is take each day at a time, and don't be afraid to ask for help. How are you doing?

@hayleyfx I really hope there's a strong little bean in there! Bleeding can happen during pregnancy. I hadn't heard of the hook effect, but looks plausible. Did you contact the EPU? Waiting until Thursday sounds really frustrating, but at least you're seeing someone.

@keebo I totally understand not wanting that wait. I'm looking at getting a GP referral and OH and I have discussed postponing TTC for a while, but my goodness, there's no winning! Trying is hard, waiting to try is hard, getting a BFN is hard, getting a BFP is hard...
Stay strong! Portugal sounds lovely.
As for leaving your job, I'm all for that. I'm waiting to start a new job at the moment. I haven't been able to hand my notice in yet as am waiting for the go-ahead from my new job. I figured my chances of having a health pregnancy are probably stronger in a different job. I haven't stopped trying, but this last MC I had made me really angry with my work place and myself because I'm convinced the stress is playing a part. I can't wait to start my new job, but really all the matters to me is having a healthy pregnancy, and if it means not getting maternity pay, so be it! But I know what a difficult decision it is. It took me a while to come to this conclusion. Whatever you decide will be the right route for you. (And all scientific evidence suggests there's no link with stress and MC btw, I think I'm just trying to find something to point the finger at because all this is just so unfair and it's easier to blame something)

@Russkispy there's a tummy bug going round at the moment. But I hope there's other things going on in there! Hope you're feeling better. xx

@Mistymeow thanks for your wise words. I'm glad you're feeling better again now your cycle has started. I think hormones don't help before AF either. It's such a roller-coaster! Hopefully your DH's meds are taking affect by now and he's getting some strong swimmers going!
Just read your new post; are your cycles really irregular? CD6 for a positive OPK sounds really early, but have you had this before?
Any chance it could be pregnancy cramping causing positive OPK? Was your period normal? (Sorry, really don't want to get your hopes up, just sharing your confusion).

@mostimproved I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. Please don't feel stupid, you did exactly the right things. You did everything right. Sending you huge hugs xxx

@Laney79 I'm glad the results are good, although I understand you wanting an answer to why you lost your pregnancies. Not knowing is really difficult. I'm glad you're looking after yourself well.

@fnej01 I am so sorry about your MC. Huge hugs. Well done for being able to collect the tissue. Hopefully it might give you some answers.
I'm glad you have your wedding to look forward to. Being able to think about something positive helps. You're so strong and amazing. xxx

@Yukka I know exactly what you mean about being sick and tired of finding silver linings. I often feel like that myself, but then I always fall back on it because it's the best way I've found to cope.

@strawberrye each new cycle is a closer one to 'the one'. I think giving up the cycle tracking is probably a good way forward for now, just to give your mind a break. All this TTC business is exhausting!
I shall repeat your words back to you:
"Don't feel you have to stay away because you're feeling really low and negative, we are all here for you."
Hugs! xxx

@InDreamland Hugs! xxx

@Angelbabyollie sorry your body is being so confusing. The old wait and see routine might need to be done here, but goodness it's so frustrating isn't it! Stay strong!

Well I'm going back to the GP tomorrow to talk about referral to recurrent miscarriage clinic.
Not feeling very good to be honest, but trundling on.
I had brown spotting from 5th-10th October with the pregnancy, and then MC started on 11th. Today is the first day I've not had any bleeding so far, and am producing CM again so looks like the MC might be at an end finally.
I have my first acupuncture appointment coming up on Friday which I'm looking forward to.
I do think we'll be stopping TTC for a couple of months or so for now, but really hope the referral doesn't take too long as I think I'll find the waiting difficult.

@mostimproved I'm so sorry to hear your news. I hope you have someone with you. Give yourself plenty of time to recover.
@Laney79 glad to hear you had some good test results. I know what you mean about hoping something is wrong so that it can be treated, it's horribly confusing and distressing not knowing why your babies didn't survive. Since I posted my story on facebook a few friends in their late 30s/early 40s said they had two mmc and their third was a healthy pregnancy. I really hope it's the same for you, I have everything crossed.
@fnej01 gosh, so sorry to hear what has happened. What a rough time you've had. Really heartening that you want to help others with the research. I'm glad you have some nice things to look forward to, a wedding is perfect, congrats!

@strawberrye sending you a hug. Glad you are reaching out for some counselling. Take care of yourself.
@Angelbabyollie arrrgh how frustrating. It could be the start of af? Are you temping at all? When my body was being confusing I started temping so I could really pinpoint ovulation (as I kept getting lh surges throughout my cycle). Might be an idea for next cycle? Of course I hope it's implantation and a bfp is on its way :)

It seems like so many people are having a tough time right now. Glad that a few of you are on holiday, or have something to look forward to. I'm cd6 and keep getting positive opks and O type cramping. It's so weird, looks like I may ovulate super early.

Any news @Russkispy ! Xx

Supppsed to say opk!! Not ppl!

I am confused once again stupid body!!! After spotting then bleeding 20 days last month counted cd1 from heavy bleed so now cd 21 yesterday had pink cm and cramps today on right side feels like bruised inside did ppl and second line is fainter, cervix high don't know if open as never can tell that and some brown cm any ideas??? Xxx

@strawberrye I'm sorry you're feeling so down right now. It is emotionally draining and a constant niggle in the back of your mind even on those (rare) occasions when you manage to concentrate on something else. If you need to step away from here then do, but know that we do understand how you feel and are here when you need us. I've never tracked anything despite it taking over 1yr to conceive the first time. DH and I decided that would be too stressful and would put additional pressure on us both. I think we are still clinging to the fairy tale that one day it will all just happen...
@fnwj01 sorry you're back here after an emotional summer. Sounds like you have found some thoughtful doctors though who will look after you not just your symptoms.
@yukka silver linings are great to think about. Being grateful for what we do have can improve outlooks tremendously. You sound so thoughtful towards your sister, I imagine she feels awkward about havibg such close due dates too. I've just found out that a friend is pregnant and due in March when I would have been. She knows about both my mc but didn't want to tell me she was pregnant because it's awkward timing. Although I was shocked at first, I'm now delighted for her and striving to make her feel ok about it too. Who knows how I'll be by March though...
@InDreamLand you seem a lot more positive than you have before which is great for you. I'm thinking of getting some counselling too, mostly to help think out the future. I have til next Wed to decide whether to stay in my job. It's such a had decision because I was promoted in the summer and love to new parts of my job but find the main parts (which are still the same) hugely stressful which I know isn't helping with ttc and keeping it. But if I leave I have to find another job and my track record at that is pretty horrendous plus we'd either have to forgo mat leave pay (fingers crossed it happens properly next time) or wait to ttc until March after my 3 months notice and 3 months in a new job. Urgh. I hate decisions. DH thinks I should leave, it turns out he's been really worried about me since Aug but not telling me. I feel like I should leave to acknowledge his wishings too but the uncertainty of the future is too stressful. Thinking of fairy tales, I wish I had a fairy godmother to manage it all for me.

Morning ladies.

Sorry to read so many of you are having a tough time - @strawberrye @keebo. Love and hugs to you all.

@mostimproved

@Russkispy fx for you!

Nothing must really to update here. Last 2 weeks I've been a mess, keep getting really tearful randomly like a lot. Had anothwr counselling session and it's good to know it's ok to not be ok. Called the private clinic who were very honest with me and said that the tests they do are all for fertility and when I told them what I'd had with NHS already they said not to waste my money on the same tests with them, especially as I got pregnant 6 months ago. They don't do reasons for mc tests so can't gelp there. Only thing they can really do for us is if we decide on IUI or IVF with them then they can book us in for an initial consultation with a test for number of eggs which I've not had yet. Still waiting for appointment for a scan on NHS. I'm now on CD13 and 3rd day of flashing smiley. Just counting down now to our holiday, we need the break. I'm quite worried about DH as he seems to have been really down at times too the past couple of weeks - he admitted all the mc and TTC stuff has been emotionally draining.

@strawberryre don’t feel you have to step away. We can’t always be positive. It’s great to have a safe place to rant. This is a tough journey and if we only posted positive things it might make people think they’re the only ones feeling crap. I love all the messages. Positive, negative and in between. We all go there. Much love.

@mostimproved devastated for you, sending hugs

@Yukka I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling fed up, but that's totally understandable! I totally hear what you're saying about being sick and tired of trying to find silver linings in a shit situation.

AF arrived for me today too and I'm finding just recently I've been having more bad days than good emotionally. I have finally started the ball rolling with getting some counselling and have decided to pack in the temping, tracking CM and OPKs. It's all made fuck all difference so far and I have just about given up. I feel I am going to step away from the thread this cycle as I can't contribute anything positive.

Thinking of you @hayleyfx and @KnitKitty, hope your holiday has been wonderful @boboelephant.

@hayleyfx how are you doing, did you go to epu? It’s a bit weird but some women do have bleeeding when everything is fine.

@mostimproved really sorry to read your update :( hope your doing ok.

@laney79 it doesn’t sound bonkers, you have feel strong enough each time to deal with all possible outcomes. Good news on your initial tests though. Let’s see what bloods say xx

@fnej01 so sorry you are here again. Im glad they can test the tissue it will be helpful, and get your tests done too. I have the book of dr Lesley what’s-her-name from st Mary’s it’s really insightful.

So Af arrived overnight and I find myself sick and tired of finding silver linings. I’ve had a few meltdowns this week as I knew I had no symptoms. 5 months after mc x3 and it’s just getting harder. This is now the longest I’ve not been pregnant for in 14 months, how sad that being able to get pregnant could so quickly turn into a negative milestone.

Today’s silver linings are:
Ground zero cos it has to exist: at least I can get pregnant. Urrgh.
1.at least this month was regular, 31 days, I must have ov’d when I thought did (but countered with “so why didn’t we conceive then?”)

1. At least I’ve started daily aspirin

I went into a baby shop yesterday to buy gifts for my sis whose 2nd baby is due on 5th December. I can’t believe how much joy I felt buying cute clothes. My last mc due date was 8th December. Not sure what that’s going to be like... but I feel it’s important to be strong for her and not tarnish these good things with my sorrow. We live 250 miles apart so don’t see her that often which I think makes it worse.

Anyway, we just have to keep swimming. We’ve taken this week off work, a break will be good.

My heart goes out to you all on here. I work in the NHS, and the thing I have realised in this most importantly is you have to advocate for yourself in this whole process. Don't give up ladies keep fighting and lets hope we all get there.

xx

PS sorry for the multiple messages - clearly typing issues this morning :-)