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Conception

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Original poster

The Hut of Gl/doom part IV- it's still never going to happen- but ^in^ ^style^, yes

536 replies

duchesse · 08/06/2007 08:18

After all that desert sand, we are in serious need of slightly damper place...

This one is a hamam, complete with essential oils and thick Turkish towelling bath sheets. Mosaics on the floors, marble pools. You get the picture. It still needs some decorating though.

We have had a few graduates (OK, quite a few), which is good, but time to dust off the old Hut for those of us who are still barren.

OP posts:
Original poster
duchesse · 31/07/2007 17:36

Erm, Bobby, Rainbowdays has been here practically since the start. Am not sure what your point is...

Thanks, Crypto. I don't actually view this as my own private world though, but I did have a personal brief when I set it up, which seems to have helped many people over the months (me included!) of not being "mainstream" at all. That's not meant to sound in any way elitist or snobby, but just meant to describe the very private state of mind many of us are in, with emotions that are clearly unwanted or out of place on other threads. Because where most of us are and were at the time was a very lonely and soul-destroying place, and it was lovely to be able to come here and just exteriorise things that may not see the light of day anywhere else, even in RL (I know that is the case for me).

Which I why I do not feel it appropriate to ask for temping advice (which some of us have been using for years without success, ditto other techniques and interventions) etc here, when there are other perfectly good threads in the conception topic- this is more of a "last resort" support, shoulder-patting, service than a flat advice line. Somewhere where you come to moan about and seek solace, not inquire about, such matters. Plenty of the ladies on here are enduring painful repeat procedures in their bid to become pregnant, but they are also abroad on MN on threads related to those things if you want their advice. Here is where you come and say, to cite but one (procedure-related) example "Had X procedure today and it's really shit, isn't it?" not "Anybody had X procedure? I need to know about it". There is a BIG difference to my mind.

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Cryptonomicon · 31/07/2007 17:15

I have not posted here for a long time but I just wanted to say that I support Duchesse totally in what she is saying here. BobbyDazzler, I am afraid you are compleltely missing the point. The hut has been a complete godsend for people to vent their very unappealing emotions and as a place to go where you can moan as much as you like without being cheered up. It has nothing to do with 'qualifying' to be here or not. Duchesse started the hut and as far as I am concerned she sets the rules.

bobbydazzler · 31/07/2007 17:07

Duchesse that was exactly what I was saying at the end of my last post!!!!!!!

Ok I may be being aggressive towards you and if so i apologise, but it is only because you really upset me and you do not seem to understand why, despite the fact that you have obviously confused Rainbowdays and some of the newer posters as well.

However I will lay down the boxing gloves now and accept that you did not intend to cause any upset/offence/confusion although that was the effect your edicts had on me.

Original poster
duchesse · 31/07/2007 16:55

...and the Hut would be a spectacularly inappropriate place to discuss fears over an unwanted pregnancy, or have "I"m expecting a girl but I wanted a boy" type ambits. Guaranteed to send most of us fleeing for the hills (well me, certainly).

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Original poster
duchesse · 31/07/2007 16:52

Bobbydazzler- I really do not know why you are being so aggressive. Six months ago, I was so low that you would have scared me off. There may be others out there on whom this talk is having the same effect.

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Original poster
duchesse · 31/07/2007 16:50

Rainbow- of course you are welcome! Why would you not be? You're practically one of the founding members anyway. Anybody is who wants to come and have a moan or just slump in the corner and make no apologies for it, just no smilies, babydust etc... What you're trying to avoid elsewhere in fact.

I rather hope your fears re m/c are unfounded though.

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bobbydazzler · 31/07/2007 16:33

Hi Rainbowdays

Sorry to hear that you think you maybe in the throws of another miscarriage, lets hope not.

You are welcome by me and I have decided I have as much right to be in the Hut and to express myself in the way I want to as anyone else in it.

I think it is ridiculous to suggest that the hut is not the place for anyone experiencing any sort of emotion unless that emotion is "raw pain"

If you are having another miscarriage then I have no doubt that you will be experiencing raw pain but I believe that everyone who is on the TTC journey/battle, call it what you will experiences a range of emotions all the time (including dare I say it hope sometimes) and that this particular thread is a good place to pour out all the different emotions and be supported as opposed to castigated for discussing the wrong topics and expressing yourself in the wrong way. IMO There are no wrong or right topics or ways to express yourself if ultimately you are having difficulties with whatever stage you are at and you are seeking support from people who are also having difficulties as opposed to planning what season they are going to conceive in, or the ideal age gap, or worrying that they might be pregnant when they don't want to be, or who have just started on the TTC journey e.t.c e.t.c.

Hope this helps

Rainbowdays · 31/07/2007 15:48

Sorry to hear your news Rachel, do take time to grieve first.

I am going to go to the docs this afternoon. I am so worried that I am in the throws of another mc, I just want to know and get it over with. I feel like I have dual personality at the moment, I go on the pg after mc thread and they are all chirpy and it makes me feel like there is not hope, I come here and I feel like I am not welcome, yet it was here that I felt I could safely say how I was feeling. I don't know where I belong now. So if I am not welcome here then just say so. I am feeling lost.

Original poster
duchesse · 31/07/2007 11:46

I am so sorry Rachel. Sneaky miscarriages are the worst. I agree that you need to grieve.

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kensgirl · 31/07/2007 11:37

Hi all, I'm just sneaking quietly back in and I'm just going to sit in the corner and think awhile. cd 3 of cycle 10 since mc now, this i think will be my last attempt before dragging my sorry, failing arse off to the GP.

I leave my large stash of cadburys and baileys and wine and gin and whiskey and more cadburys for you all to share. I feel so that I have even gone off that.

bobbydazzler · 31/07/2007 11:36

Hi Rachel,

I am really so sorry to hear your sad news. I don't have any experience yet of miscarriage (and hope that I never will) but I expect others will be along who do.

Rachel1963 · 31/07/2007 11:12

Hello, can I come in? Have found out this morning that my baby has died at about 8 weeks. Had a scan last week where there was a heartbeat but it was small for dates so they had me back today. It had grown (quite a lot!) but no heartbeat, so the dr reckoned it had prob only died in the last day or so. This is my 3rd mc - I had a DS between the 1st and 2nd - and it's prob the worst because I haven't had any bleeding and have gone further than the other two which both failed at about 6 wks. Now I need to decide whether to wait or go for the op to remove it but I know that we also need to start thinking about whether we should really try for another given that the odds are stacked against us - I'm 44. I suspect DH will want to stop trying because he won't want to see me go through this again but, although I know we're SO lucky to have DS, I do desperately want another one. I think I need to grieve a bit for this one first though...

seaside72 · 30/07/2007 23:09

whoops - forgot about the marble walled hamman - perhaps your new pad could be a club tropicana style poolside hut with swim up bar and sand on the floor?? I have brought some deck chairs and grass (wink wink nudge nudge ) skirts.

club tropicana drinks are free lalalalalala - (seasidse sashays off into the distance dreaming of Andrew Ridgley)

Original poster
duchesse · 30/07/2007 22:16

psst! whispers Erm, seaside, we turned this one into a hammam.. it's all marble and wall hangings in here now. Perhaps we should move, to somewhere more cosy. To a shed? Log cabin?

ANd I will never say this enough- it's not about what you've been through, but about how you're feeling and having somewhere to download. If you're still able to get angry (and am not aiming this at.anyone.at.particular) or take offense or feel uncomfortable about the emotions expressed here, then maybe it is not the place for you. Hopefully it never will be the right place for some people. Ideally none of us would need it. It's just here if anyone does need it.

Bobbydazzler, I do totally take your point re punctuation etc, and people's different writing styles. It's just that most of the people who come here are feeling very very far from smiley, and need somewhere different from the usual threads to express very real and very raw pain that does not usually get let out of the bottle on other threads. Because everyone of here is suffering in their own very real and very deep way, it is important for each of us to try to keep it as different from the other ttc threads as possible.

Here endeth the pontification.

There are, as ever, no hard feelings, no grudges, no nothing except for chocolate as left by various people, and any alcohol we manage to smuggle past the guards.

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seaside72 · 30/07/2007 20:33

That was fulfilling commandment #6 btw!

seaside72 · 30/07/2007 20:32

(ahem - coughseasidecoughcough -slides in like mission impossible and deposits large spliff, crate of baileys a pack of ice with ice pick (but play nicely with it - you may stab the walls and that saggy beanbag in the corner but not each other ) and a cash-and-carry size assortment box of green and blacks and slides back out again.)

xxxx (thats not babydust btw- just some british style silent-no-eye-contact-hugs{{{{}}}})

Negotiator · 30/07/2007 20:10

Phew - keyboards at dawn stuff - and I only poked my head in for a mo to see what was going on and thought I had better put another hat on (last one has just got a bullet through as shots were heard coming out of the hut!)

Okay - a little bit of calm is needed for a mo as I try to explain what "unwritten" rules Ive seen since my time in the hut/tent or whereever we deem to go:

1st one in makes it pretty cosy and we all follow suit in dressing it up and giving it a lived in feeling (bullet holes not really appreciated but Im sure a few well dispersed towels will cover this up!)

  1. its a sad place - so when you feel happy which you may do some days or even some months you usually stay clear - unless you feel the need to be miserable in which case this is the place to be.

  2. people pop in from time to time - like me tonight - just to pop head round and see what old friends are doing - if you do and dont stay please leave virtual gifts to help other souls drowned their sorrows - Chocolate and Alcohol goes down well (and may be a perfect peace offering too) although Negotiator feels here that peace pipe full of virtual wacky baccie may do a better job - who's starting that ????

  3. We share pain and welcome all

  4. We share crap days when no one else wants to hear us

  5. If we are lucky enough to get a BFP - its a bit like the cat crept in, crapped and went out again - a quick note and then again you must leave us a proper gift for us to hang as a "trophy" in the hut.....

Will leave spaces 7 to 10 of the commandments for other hutters to add to it..... peace pipe anyone....

cedar12 · 30/07/2007 19:03

I know exactly how you feel Bobbydazzler i got the same treatment in the hut as well. Having 2 ectopics in 18 months and loosing a tube didn't qualify me either, got called a silly girl. So haven't posted again I think it only a couple of people in here who think they can judge whether or not we have been through enough to qualify.

Hopingforbabyno2 · 30/07/2007 18:51

Ooops.... I think I started the turn in conversation, So sorry, obvioulsy not appropriate on this thread. I shall pack my bags and leave in disgrace

bobbydazzler · 30/07/2007 18:39

of course I meant

or is that an inapproriate emoction as well?

bobbydazzler · 30/07/2007 18:33

It was not my perception that the hut had cheered up. I entered it precisely for the reasons you describe. I am becoming more depressed and was no longer finding solace from other threads.

You may well have had good intentions in issuing your directive, however, once again I will say that people have different ways of expressing their struggle in written form and to judge people because they have punctuated some of their writing with smilies is imo unfair.

When people enter the hut or onto any other thread they are doing do to empathise with others and write about their own experiences which are all completely different. If that has resulted in a tendency of late to write about infertility investigations and procedures then I do not see that the hut is an inappropriate forum for that because you have decided it to be so.

I have not been a mumsnet poster for too many months, maybe about 4 or 5.

I do not post every day.

I am therefore not intimately aware of some of the Hut stories apart from Coggy's which is an unbelievably sad story. I am not aware that Coggy has given up all hope and I really really hope she gets the baby she so totally deserves, i do think that it is deeply unfair of you to try to censor who can and cannot post in here and also to judge the depth of peoples feelings based on how, as well as what, they write.

I don't know anything about you really apart from that you have been lucky enough to be blessed with 3 children whilst as you say others have experienced the deepest sorrow in their quest for one or more children. At the end of the day whatever our personal stories we are all seeking support and your earlier post made me feel like I was being attacked and it also made me feel very very [angry angry angry].

mslucy · 30/07/2007 18:20

I feel gloomy as feck about the whole ttc thing - definitely don't feel at home on any of the "omg am I pg" threads (pukes)

I'm in a very similar situation to bobbydazzler - ie I have one ds and still no number 2.

I can't claim any real horror stories - apart from a very badly handled m/c years ago.

I just like the hut because no says naff things like "you need a holiday" or "think positive".

Am I allowed to stay here?

Original poster
duchesse · 30/07/2007 18:11

Bobby- I was aiming at no one in particular. I am not happy that you are leaving, but I should say that when the hut came into being, it did so for the proportion of women who simply could not find any adequate support on any other thread because of the very dark place they were in. I am sure if you have followed the hut you will know the stories of a few of them. If you found the hut too gloomy, then you would mist certainly be in the wrong place. There are quite a few women who have found real solace in here and freedom from people trying to cheer them up. That was always and still is the aim.

If you perceive that the hut has cheered up, I'm afraid you perceived wrongly. I did actually move it once when someone bounced in with baby dust one day. The person who did that was initially very offended, and then completely understood why, and I think you will understand why as well.

It is still the place for the terminally despondent, and I wouldn't be doing my duty to those of us out there who still desperately need that refuge from being cheered up if I didn't remind people of that from time to time. If anyone feels in need of the hut, they are completely and unreservedly welcome, but the basic remit is not going to change.

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bobbydazzler · 30/07/2007 17:49

I assume I am one of the "ladies" to whom you are directing your post.

Well all I can say is thanks very much for your support!

people have completely different ways of expressing themselves when they are pissed off.

I resisted coming into the hut for a long time because it seemed too gloomy for me, however now after 14 months of unsuccessful trying I do not feel at home on the other "chirpy" threads.

Apparently though it would seem according to you I am not welcome in "your" hut.

Is that because I have not suffered enough?

How do you measure suffering exactly?

or is it because I do not use language that appeals to you.

Well frankly I don't particularly want to hang out with you in here anyway so good for you, you have driven one person out, happy now?

Original poster
duchesse · 30/07/2007 17:15

lissie -ring your doc, ask if there is anything they can do to expedite the results, and whether they have cancellations- people (coughSeasidecough cough) sometimes get pregnant the minute they have an appointment arranged. Try to stay calm. Weep if needs be. Might help if you can get them on your side. Poor you.

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