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Conception

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Original poster

Would you talk to a good friend about her decision to delay ttc?

35 replies

marthamay · 29/07/2018 08:14

hi there,

Me and my very close friend both had our first two children in our late 20's early 30s - both of us fell pregnant pretty easily each time. We both then got cracking with being mums and careers etc. Both of us have talked on and off through the past few years about whether or not to try and have a third child. Well, late last year we both separately came to the decision to try for a third and we have had discussions many times about it. I am now 36 (nearly 37) and she is 37. Me and my dh have now been trying for a couple of months, but she and her dh have decided that they are going to postpone ttc until after a family holiday next year, when she is 38 and dh is 40. I know she feels a little uncertain about whether this is a good idea to wait, but a bit stuck.
Since I have decided to ttc seriously - I have been quite struck with the brutal reality that it may be much much harder at this end of our 30's than it was when we first conceived. I am prepared to be fatalistic about it and very grateful for my two dc. I have since looked at a lot of stats and read a lot of forum posts and even started looking at research articles (I work as a researcher in a University so it is hard not to go down that route!).
I guess I feel uncertain about whether to talk to her about whether her decision to postpone ttc (mainly at the wish of her dh I should add) for a holiday is a sensible one. I don't want to step on any toes and I don't want to assume that she hasn't done her own research on it - but in my mind I keep thinking "Is a holiday really worth it!?'
I know that I was pretty naive a few months ago, sort of assuming that a bfp would happen at the drop of a hat (and it still might - I realise that it's a very real possibility that they might conceive naturally first time!) - but I have this niggling feeling that maybe I should have a conversation with her about it so that she can really make a proper informed decision.
Gah! What would you ladies do?
Me and Friend have a wonderful and honest open relationship - I am just cautious about this particular topic - what would a good friend do????

OP posts:
Bumdishcloths · 29/07/2018 09:03

Good grief, it's really none of your business.

53rdWay · 29/07/2018 08:40

I’d assume she knew it might be harder to get pregnant in her late 30s than late 20s, but she’s made a reasonable decision about this holiday. Unless you have some reason to think she has no idea fertility declines with age of just leave her to it.

Also, there’s a lot of scaremongering about fertility and age. It does decline as you get older but it doesn’t drop off a cliff in your 30s. If she’s had several children and no fertility problems before, chances are low she’ll be infertile at 38.

Chattycat78 · 29/07/2018 08:33

If it was me I would cautiously make sure she was aware of the statistics. You're right, it could be much harder, but it might not, and it’s being aware of the possible risk taken in waiting - but no one knows what will actually happen. Some people get pregnant easily in their late thirties- for others it’s too late and it doesn’t happen.

In fact I am in a similar position- I have a friend who is approaching 40 and wants to wait a little longer- I have had this chat with her, but ultimately it’s up to her.

HannahHut · 29/07/2018 08:26

Since I have decided to ttc seriously this makes you sound like an arse. Sorry.

Postponing TTC doesn't mean she isn't taking it seriously. Keep your beak out.

CherryPavlova · 29/07/2018 08:24

I think kind communication about facts is good between friends. I think you assuming you know better than her is wrong.
My youngest was conceived at 37 first time of trying. Fertility does drop off but may not be a significant problem for her if she’s not had problems before. Not saying goodbye to Grandma could have huge long term impact on her husband and consequently her marriage.

wheezing · 29/07/2018 08:24

Absolutely not, no. They’ve presumably decided the two of them whether to try and when to try.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 29/07/2018 08:20

She knows fertility is declining with age. She's not an idiot. It's between her and her DH and decidedly not your business. Leave it alone.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 29/07/2018 08:19

No I wouldn't, unless she asked for my advice. Personally I think you're right in what you're saying. If she's nearing 40, she shouldn't be holding off and waiting to ttc. However, it's up to her and it's not your concern, however well your intentions. Just leave her to it.

Kintan · 29/07/2018 08:18

Do you have any reason to think that she is clueless about age and declining fertility?

Original poster
marthamay · 29/07/2018 08:16

I should clarify - the reason that the holiday is important - it is possibly the last opportunity that her DH will have to see and spend time with his grandmother who lives abroad. It is a very expensive and time dependent trip which they may not get the opportunity to do again, and it is very emotionally important to her dh (it's not just that he want a beach holiday!!!!)

OP posts: