TTC after pregnancy loss- thread 23 🐧🐧

@KnitKitty morning lovely, wow you sound like your in a really good place right now. I might have to take a leaf out of your book.

Bum is not brown after all that the red has settled down and almost gone but no tan to speak of (just my luck lol)

I'm still tracking bbt and opk even though I'm out this month just so I know where my body is at but I thought it would be relaxing having a month off but no I'm more stressed knowing that its not even possible this cycle, think I'm a little TTC nuts

Thanks @RedRobin7, Our first 2 losses (mc and ectopic) were 4 months apart. After the ectopic we took a year and a half off as I wasn't ready to cope with another potential loss. I felt the same as you do now and felt trapped between wanting to know if there was a problem / wanting to heal / panic at being in my 30s. I had a crisis of "do I really want to have kids?!" (In hindsight that was just me putting up a defence mechanism). However, I'm a genuine believer of what's for you won't go by you and I then fell pregnant while on the pill. Although it was a mc I took it as a sign that one day I'm meant to be a Mum. It hasn't happened yet and I have some moments of panic. But, an older lady I know who had recurrent mc and no children told me something that has stayed with me: You can have a great life without children. It's maybe not what you choose, and it's a different journey to what you expect, but it can be beautiful.

In my moments of "I'm going to be the old lady in the nursing home all alone" I think of all my nieces and nephews, my beautiful friends and family and know I'll never be alone. My nephew is 7 and is apparently gonna be a famous footballer and I keep telling him he'll need an "Auntie Flat" in his mansion for me and he says he'll look after me lol!

But, for now, I take each day as it comes otherwise I drive myself mad!

Don't give yourself a hard time @RedRobin7 you're still right in the epicentre of your loss. Give yourself time and space to heal and your next step will come naturally

@InDreamland I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope they're really kind in EPU. The bleeding may last a couple more weeks I think - certainly what happened to me - but much lighter.

@Laney79 big hugs. I'm seeing a psychotherapist (not just about the MC to be honest) and it really helps to discuss it with someone else. We also went through a phase of really struggling with sex but it appears to have got a bit better with time. It's so hard to both be there for yourself and DH all the time. Take care of yourself. I find yin and restorative yoga really help too but I end up crying in class more often than I'm comfortable with.

@redrobin thank you for the positive story, really kind. I think I kind of want to just be pregnant again so I can have what feels like the inevitable third mc.

Big hugs to all x

@InDreamland So sorry you've been through that. It sounds very similar to the day I had last Wednesday. I didn't let my husband see what was going on but I did tell him to listen out in case I passed out. Now I wish he had seen because he just seems to think I'm okay now but it's so much to deal with.

I started bleeding last Monday and still had clots coming out on Saturday. It's been lighter and brown the last few days. I'm not sure what to expect as I had light bleeding for 3 weeks after my surgery with the first one but hoping to bleed less as it wasn't intrusive - If that's the right word.

@Mistymeow That's really rubbish you didn't get the support from your office job. I'm very lucky to work for a well known company and our HR are just great. I feel like the main lady I talk to actually wants to help me and it makes such a difference having that support. So sorry you didn't have that experience.

Boboelephant I'm glad you seem to have had an "aha!" moment. Hopefully it will help with the healing process.
I think our minds put an awful lot of pressure on our bodies to do things a certain way at a certain time, but our bodies have other ideas.
I remember when going through MMC and the aftermath feeling very frustrated at my body for not letting go when it should have. It was my mind placing a should into the situation. My body simply wasn't ready to give up on the little spirit it had created and even after ERPC it took a good month for my hormones to level out again. That in itself should have been a warning bell to me that my body needed to process this slowly and to give it time, but we get so impatient with ourselves!
What the reiki practitioner said about my ovary and womb missing being a part of this amazing creative process really struck a cord. I've been focusing my attention completely on my mind "getting over it", but hadn't considered the feelings of my body. And yes, we do hold emotions and memories in parts of the body, I believe this utterly after the strange experience I had during psychotherapy.
And I agree with zarala, nothing wrong with a bit of hippy-dippy, especially when it brings you to epiphanies.
zarala I absolutely love what your doula said, what a lovely way of putting it!
I'm not sure if they recommend reiki at a certain time doddlebobs. I had a gut feeling to go at the time of ovulation, but that's just me. I actually didn't end up mentioning that to the lady, as my main reason for going was because I feel I've lost the balance in my life. Any happy side-effects will be welcome, of course.

Laney79 Hugs. Not really got anything more useful to say that what others have said, so just wanted to send you a penguin cuddle.

Hope your bottom is feeling a bit less sore today Lilimum4! Good morning to you too, how are you doing at the moment?

@lilimum4 I'm all good today thanks, just waiting for af then we can start again. Is your bum brown yet haha

@redrobin7 I think it helped that it wasn't an office job and I knew I would be around people who weren't pregnant and didn't know about my loss so I felt like I could have a day off from grief. My part time office job sent me a brief email telling me I could take as much time off as I needed then never mentioned it again (apart from an email 4 weeks later saying they hope I'm feeling a bit better). They didn't even know I had an operation. It was a lonely experience indeed. I really hope you feel better soon. What kept me going was taking it a day at a time and knowing that in a few months I would feel better. And I do x

Anyone testing this week? My temp dropped today so af should be here soon.

Hope everyone is feeling better this morning.

Thanks for asking @RedRobin7. Yesterday I told you about my experience on Sunday night and stupidly thought that I had gotten off lightly with the mc. How wrong I was - that must have been the teaser taster of what was to come.

Lastnight I got mild backache which then moved and spread to my front and the pain intensified to what I can only describe as feeling like i was being ripped apart from inside. Thankfully I went to sit on the loo early on, about 20 mins after the pain started to get worse. I've never felt pain so excruciating. The ordeal lasted almost 4 hours. I felt so much slipping out (lumps, clots, tissue) of me it was awful and have to say looked like something out of a horror film at the end. Poor DH could only watch and wanted to call an ambulance but I couldn't bear the thought of actually being moved when I was in so much pain. By the end I was exhausted and DH thought I'd passed out as i just flopped on him after the final "contraction". That's got to be the worst experience of my life so far. Is labour worse than that?

I've got my second scan to confirm mc at the EPU this morning and not sure how after last night I'm going to be able to hold it together. I feel so empty. I just want my baby but after last night it's definitely over.

How much longer does the bleeding last? I'm still bleeding a bit but never ever want a repeat of last night.

@InDreamland How are you doing?

@Bobzybaby You are amazingly strong! I'm so sorry you've been through all that. I felt guilty for being so broken after one loss but now after two I think I'm allowed to be such a mess as it doesn't look like this is going to go in my favour. I think we have to try again to find out if there is an issue but I'm not sure I can cope with 3 losses in one year but at the same time I can't deal with not being pregnant. It's so tough and either way I have a lot to learn to deal with. My biggest fear is being that old lady in the nursing home who has no family to visit her 😢

@zarala I spoke to a lovely doctor yesterday, he wasn't my usual one but he was much nicer! He asked me how I was and took the time to hear about both miscarriages. He said he doesn't want to test my hormones because they would only cause issues ovulating and conceiving - which I'm not having problems with. As I expected, he just said to try again as it may have just been bad luck.

@Mistymeow That was very brave of you to keep working. We have heavily pregnant ladies on my floor so I'm just not ready to see them yet. Last time I returned to work I sat in the car trying not to cry and then had a chat with HR whilst shaking like a leaf. I must have looked crazy! I've got one more week off and then I just have to get back into it.

@robin78 How are you doing? Thank you for sharing a positive story, it does always help. My best friend has had 3 miscarriages in a row and is now pregnant for the 4th time and I'm so scared for her. I really hope this is her time. If it's not, it's also going to make me so anxious that I'll be in the same boat as her.

@KnitKitty Wow that does sound amazing. My friends MIL does it so it has been recommended to me. I'm one of those people who would probably laugh, not because it's funny but because I feel awkward! I embarrass myself in these situations 🙈

My DH has decided he now might have to stay away the first two nights we have the dog! Eek! I hope she's good for me!

@Boboelephant I hope you are feeling stronger today xx

@Laney79 Sorry to hear you are struggling. With regards to the shower, I hate morning sex because I feel disgusting and dirty and I won't have sex unless I've showered. For me this is all underlying stuff due to hating myself and the way I look. I don't feel attractive and I don't feel like my husband finds me attractive - especially not first thing in the morning! It could be completely unrelated but your OH is feeling really low and the shower is a way to refresh him and get rid of the negativity. He could just need a little more TLC and reassurance without directly mentioning it.

I totally understand you're the one going through all this shit right now and he should be working with you. I also understand how you feel because my DH feels the pressure and we can go a long time without having sex. Also recently it feels like the only time we have sex is when we are drunk! 🙈It really does suck and it's so scary wondering what the future holds.

@YellowDaffodils86 Thank you xx Also thanks for the laugh this morning... ouch!!

Oops very long post and I've just shown I'm even more crazy than I first seemed! Feeling more normal today apart from the tonne of bricks sat on my chest.

Morning ladies how are you ?

@YellowDaffodils86 ouch they were sore and yes my poor bottom is just as red lol

@KnitKitty I love what the reiki practitioner said to you! Really lovely
My doula told me that every baby we lose is just a soul that needed to be loved a little bit more before it could continue on it's journey- and that even though it was only a short time, it needed to visit my body because I was the only one who could give it the love it needed before it went back up to heaven to await it's time. I thought that was quite a sweet way of looking at things

@Newbie21 I had a similar dilemma last October at my Dd 1st bday. I decided to test the day before so that I could at least know and then focus on her on her day and not be wondering in back of my mind. Totally don't think you're a bad mama! If you were you wouldn't even be asking the question!

@Boboelephant fx for you your man's results!
When I did that weird cranio-sacral therapy the therapist told me the same thing that it takes time for the body to get over the trauma- and she recommended some homeopathic treatment to deal with embedded grief - I never actually tried it- but if you are interested in giving it a shot I can dig out the name of the herb or whatever it is...anyway one can never be too hippy dippy (until one stops washing!) so no need to apologise! Anyway enjoy your holiday ! You really deserve to have an awesome break

@Laney79 I'm so sorry it is so hard for you at the moment. Maybe your partner needs to talk about things - there must be an underlying reason why he is finding the situation too pressurised? Maybe he is worried about another loss? I know these things are really hard to discuss with men 🙄 but maybe a bottle of wine and a big heart to heart wouldn't be amiss - sending hugs

@YellowDaffodils86 that looks painful!!!! But it did really make me laugh.

@Lilimum4 does your bottom look as bad as my feet!! 😂😂
I did this last year on a boat trip. Im still trying to even the tan lines out!! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Gutted for you @Boboelephant and the others finding themselves out again. All I can really advise is wine and a good cry.

@KnitKitty reiki sounds amazing. I've seen sessions advertised at a local yoga studio that had lots of specialists preconception, antenatal, postnatal and baby stuff. Do they recommend reiki at a particular point in the cycle?

@YellowDaffodils86 lol I went and got some I'm now sitting in the stuff and your right best stuff ever

@Boboelephant ahh noo, im sorry. I really thought this month was it. Just goes to show, the body can really trick you. In know all in all its been a long while, but this is cycle 6 this time? Not much consolation but still within normal healthy time frame. I know it doesn't stop the frustration though. Big hugs. Xx

Everyone having some struggles, sorry for afs and bfns, i know we have had one or two.
@RedRobin7 sorry you have felt so low, i really wish i had something better to say that would help more.

@Lilimum4 Banana boat aloe vera, best thing ever!

Also to the two of you, tsk tsk, don't be so hard on yourselves!! @Boboelephant Is right, you may not be perfect(who is) but you are to some!

Thanks @Boboelephant the prob is we do relax when we're on holiday, or away (like the Greek trip and our weekend away a couple of weeks ago) but at home work stresses him out, and then any thoughts of JKS disappear. I don't know. It just all feels bleak right now. My birthday fast approaching doesn't help, I just fear it's all a bit too late.

Thanks all for your replies and kindness.

@Boboelephant it's something he's latched onto since holiday. Always struggled a bit with switching the brain off and letting go if you know what I mean. He's not like some fella's who are willing at the drop of a hat-more quality than quantity with us. The shower thing started on hols. We'd go up to the room in the arvo to get ready for dinner, shower to get rid of days suncream etc and we would BD. Since we've been back he says he really likes that as we're all fresh and clean, but obv for that to happen it is more planned...but then yesterday he says that just me mentioning BD-ing makes him feel the pressure and then he can't let go. So I'm stuck.

Sadly tried the shower before-too small for good angles if you know what I mean.

Just really feeling down. Feels like fate is saying no. And it breaks my heart now that I know I want it so much. AF due in a couple of days so suspect it's that, combined with my birthday coming up. Everyone keeps asking what I want and if I'm absolutely honest the only thing I want is to be 27 weeks pregnant as I should be.

I'm going to keep my counsellor busy this week aren't I.

Glad to hear you're OK Boboelephant.
I had psychotherapy years ago when I was depressed and trying everything under the sun to get better. I'd had counselling, seen psychiatrists, tried acupuncture and positive affirmations etc etc... but the psychotherapy was the most helpful thing I ever did.
The therapist taught me different techniques and used some technique to allow me to go into my body and listen to it and I burst into tears. (I'm not a crier in front of people I don't know and my barriers had never been broken in any other therapy session). Suddenly out of nowhere I had this epiphany that I was grieving for my ovary that I lost when I was 14. I hadn't been expecting for it to be taken out during the surgery I had to remove the cyst and so I hadn't prepared myself for the loss, it just got whipped out (and I suppose incinerated), but it represented a bit part of myself and also half of my potential children. Once I realised I was grieving I knew how to cope better with my emotions and I got better within months.

I really find it interesting what your colleague suggested about your body not wanting to go through it again. I can totally understand that. It would be worth looking in to how to balance yourself again.
A holiday is a good start. A nice distraction during that limbo period is always good. :)