TTC after pregnancy loss- thread 23 🐧🐧

@cakelaur that is a lovely piece and sums it is really well. I think most of us feel the same.

I also like the roll call idea. I am grateful for my lovely and supportive dh (like @knitkitty sometimes not quite in the same page) and having a lovely home and my best friend (I only told last weekend as we only see each other a couple of times a year as she lives away from me now but was so lovely when I told her then sent me a card and wishing bracelet this week).

@redrobin7 virtual hand hold and fx everything good for you.

@littleemma1 gorgeous photos hope you had a great day.

Things I'm grateful for:

My lovely husband even though he is challenging at times ( has aspergers ).

My girls although older are beautiful ( both also have autism and one also has ADHD)

I'm also greatful for all three of my lost children they were precious gifts even if I couldn't keep them

A crazy staffy that drives me nuts but is a good girl really and seems to fit this crazy household really well.

I've been asked with all the crazy I already have every day why do I want to add to it.

I reply I was made to be a mum and even though its taken 12 years to be a mum to 5 ( 2 living, 3 angels) I still have love to give, and I'll never stop trying.

Cakelaur I love your new roll call idea.

Things I'm grateful for:
My OH is just so lovely and supportive despite some occasional moments of not being on the same page as me. I have wonderfully supportive colleagues, some who have also suffered pregnancy losses (one MC, on ectopic and one still birth) and they are happy to talk to me when I'm struggling. Even those who have never had pregnancies themselves are kind and understanding and have given me hugs and hand holds at certain times (wow I'm filling up as I write this). I'm also grateful to have a lovely family I can lean on. And I have a steady income, a comfortable home and a lovely pet cat who gives me cuddles. I really feel blessed. Especially with this sunshine flooding through the window day after day this year!!!

@Cakelaur thanks for sharing with me I might try that myself.

Thanks @KnitKitty

@Lilimum4 ttcabiggerhousehold.blogspot.com/?m=1 it's just my blog. Here's the link.

@RedRobin7 a really hope all is OK lovely as knitkitty said sometimes its normal but I understand your worry and I would too. Please let us know how you get on with epu. If we could all hold your hand we would so virtual hand holds and reassuring hugs coming your way

It will happen @Lilimum4 I don't know what it's so cruel and can take so long. And why others are lucky and don't have this struggle.

I look at my best friends and I compare what they struggle with. For me I have a great career, and amazing DH and a lovely home and we can afford most things we want. Plus we both have amazing families close by. But we took a year to conceive, then lost, then luckily conceived on third cycle.

One friend conceived on second cycle, for both her kids, but she is broke, in rented accommodation, has a useless OH who spends no time with her or the kids (he loves her but doesn't appreciate them) she has very little decent family for support. He idiot mum moved abroad with her new Boyf, her dads in prison and her sister is moving to Milan.

Another friend fell pregnant by mistake twice, has an amazing job, but never gets to see her kids, and has a drug addict for a husband, has no support and is now going through a massive divorce which is plummeting her into massive debt.

So I look at my life and other and I realise that everyone has a struggle. Maybe we should do a roll call of things we're grateful for. Let's look at it in a different light cos we all know the pain of loss....

I'll start....
I'm grateful for my amazing OH who Although he didn't understand stood by me and supports me every day. For my family, my home and my job (which I'm starting to step back from haha)

Bobzybaby FW = Fertile Week. TWW = Two Week Wait.

RedRobin7 I'm sorry about the brown spotting hun. I would feel exactly like you, but if it's any comfort at all (which I know it probably isn't), it is fairly normal and common to get bleeding in early pregnancy and it's also normal for symptoms to come and go. I hope EPU are sympathetic and agree to an earlier scan. Hugs hugs. I know I haven't been through what you're going through, but I really feel I know how you feel. Just take each day at a time. And if that's too hard, take each hour at a time. xxx

@Cakelaur where did you write this blog just private or on a site

Strangely did a blog on abbreviations too!! .....
TTC- trying to conceive
BBT - basal body temperature
OPK- ovulation prediction kit
DTD- do the dead (sex)
BD- baby dance (sex)
HPT- Home pregnancy test
IC - internet cheapie (hpt or opk)
BFP- big fat positive (pregnancy test)
BFN- big fat negative (pregnancy test)
POAS- pee on a stick
TMI- too much information
TIA- thanks in advance
AF- Aunt Flo (period)
CBFM- clear blue fertility monitor
CBAFM- clear blue advanced fertility monitor
CD- cycle day
DPO- days post ovulation
O- ovulation
TWW- two week wait (between ovulation and af/bfp)
CM- cervical mucus
EWCM- egg white cervical mucus
LMP- last menstrual period
MC- miscarriage
MMC- missed miscarriage
ERPC- evacuation of retained product of conception
D&C- dilation and curettage
OH- other half
DH- darling husband
DC- darling child
DD- darling daughter
DS- darling son
IYKWIM- if you know what I mean
IYSWIM- if you see what I mean
IMO- in my opinion
IMHO- in my honest/humble opinion
AIBU- am I being unreasonable
JFGI- just f*cking google it
WWYD- what would you do
YWBU- you were being unreasonable
YWNBU- you were not being unreasonable

@Cakelaur omg I might aswell of written that myself except the new bub part but he was very sad about the loss, but he doesn't seem to need a new baby like I do. Its not really a want anymore its a need, a need so strong I just can't leave it be

TWW is two week wait (between ov and period)
FW is fertile week

Hey! What are the abbreviations FW and TWW? I can mostly work them out in context but these confuse me! Thanks!

@KnitKitty Sorry you're just waiting around at the moment. The waiting game is frustrating, whether that's waiting for FW or whilst in TWW! Good luck when FW arrives 🤞

I've got brown blood on my liner today so I think I'll be phoning EPU tomorrow as I can't handle waiting 2 more weeks for a private scan. I think this is bad news since I have no symptoms. I really can't go through this all over again. We are at my parents house with my pregnant sister so just trying to put on a brave face but I just want to go home and cry!

@littleemma1 Lovely to see your photos! Hope you had an amazing day! Loved the flag 😊

It will happen @DaisyMay25 it will.

Thanks ladies. I'm glad you liked it. It really helped me to express myself. I've stopped writing since this pregnancy, but I might start again. I really enjoyed it. It was such a relief.

Sending hugs to all. Xx

@Cakelaur thank you for sharing that. Such a personal experience that many of us can relate to.

It's been 10 months since my mc and I'm just starting to part with the anger and grief. I will get pregnant again. Maybe not this month, probably not the next either but someday.

@Cakelaur This is exactly how I felt and my husband just didn't get it! Sums it up perfectly x

@Cakelaur Exactly this. I'm actually quite speechless as your words have summed all of this up perfectly.

Thank you for sharing this x

@Bobzybaby and @Lilimum4 and actually anyone else who's interested. After my mmc i started writing a blog just to rant and get it out there what I was feeling. And I felt my OH didn't quite get it. I wrote one piece which eventually I showed him as I felt it was the only way to explain to him how it was for me. Here it is....

My OH wakes up of a day and gets up, has a shower, heads off to work, happy, cheerful, excited for the day. He loves his job, eats his lunch, has a great day, heads home, potters round the house, tidying up, unloading the dishwasher (yes he’s an amazing partner) watches tv, happy to see me, asks what’s wrong, eats his dinner, says I’m a little quiet, watches tv, heads up to bed, brushes his teeth, makes jokes, gets into bed, falls asleep, wakes up of a day and gets up.....etc.

I on the other hand.... lie there crying while he’s in the shower, pretend to be asleep so I don’t have to make conversation, thinking about how different we are and how alone I feel and how scared I am about never having a baby and I think about this all day long. I have no idea what happens during the day and then I get home and he asks what’s wrong and I say, “nothing” trying to sound cheerful while I sit thinking why he needs to ask me, he went through it too right? I push my food around my plate, wishing it to be bed time so I can lie alone in silence, in the dark so no one can hear or see me cry. We go to bed and I lie there listening to his heavy breathing wondering how his heart lets him sleep.

With every day I watch our relationship strain more and more. A tragedy that at the time made us closer than ever, but now distances us completely. He carries on like it never happened. I’m frozen in a place where I wish the whole world would just stop. Or rewind or do anything except move forward. And every day that goes by he expects me to be less sad and every day that goes by I get sadder.

We are in such different places that he doesn’t seem to even know what I’m sad about and I’m mind blown. He wasn’t sad about the loss. He has a child already. He has a legacy. This loss didn’t seem to matter. I’m in this alone. His words when I ask him about it are ‘I was devastated for you’ they resonate with me every day!

But I don’t want to pretend any more. But I know I’ll have to. I’ll have to pretend during FW next month. Because yet again I sit here waiting for AF to show her face as the ending to another wasted cycle.

My years are now made up of cycles not months. And Pre-ov time and FW and ovulation and TWWs and AFs. I know there are two cycles until my ‘babymoon’ and 3 cycles until my birthday and my OH’s birthday is FW and my mums birthday is in a TWW... it’s never ending. This is my future... and I’m in it on my own.

Even being pregnant again now this "time" brings tears to my eyes. I still think about t everyday. Of the bub I lost. And I think it still shocks him a little when I make reference to this being our second bean.

Anyway. I hope by sharing this, it makes you feel less alone, that I felt that way too. I dunno, sending hugs. Sat here having a little cry. Xx

@yellowdaffodils thanks for the link. I've read through some of the posts and they really strike a chord. Not just for my current post-mc situation but also my sister who struggled for years with pcos & trying to conceive. She was one of the lucky ones as second round ivf worked & she's due in a couple of months now but I remember talking to her so many times about the frustrations that she was doing everything right and still wasn't getting there. It's such a rough old journey for some of us. Glad your friend has an outlet for what she's going through and wish her the best of luck.

warriorbutterfly85.wordpress.com/

My friend writes a blog, i though some of you might enjoy some of her posts.

Iv been following the thread, just struggled to keep up with posting. Congratulations on the recent bfps!!

@Bobzybaby thanks hun at least you lovely ladies understand.

Honestly I don't know what I would do without this group.

None of my family and friends know we are trying so I can't talk to anyone other than the hubby but he just doesn't understand any of it. He's a it'll happen if its supposed to kind of guy so laid back its stupid

@Lilimum4 I just don't think men get it at all. They don't understand that a period signifies a 'loss' (for want of a better expression?!). My husband just seemed to focus on all my PMS symptoms and not what that actually represents. They can be so thoughtless.

If it helps, I spoke to my husband about it and explained how I feel when I get a period and he's been super understanding since. I think they just need it spelled out to them sometimes.

I'm sorry AF has come for you

@littleemma1 gorgeous pics! I get all giddy when I look at wedding pics i love them.

Uh, I’m going crazy. I posted yesterday morning saying I had a BFN on an IC which it was. I did another at 5pm and the faintest shadow came up in the time limit. Done another this morning with FMU and the same thing but it did come up sooner. It’s so faint I’m struggling to capture it on my camera and I can see no colour too it. Could be grey could be pink I have no idea. They aren’t getting darker either! I was just thinking recently, the only thing I love about ICs is their sensitivity is a bit useless however I’ve never got an evap or a false positive. And now I think I’ve jinxed it! These ones are a new batch and I’m worried I’ve got a load of duds with indents or evap lines. All my typical AF symptoms are here so I’m certain she’s coming maybe tomorrow or Tuesday. Going out of my mind!!