TTC after stillbirth

@39Suzy, look at that little bean, very nice. Glad all well with baby so far. Sorry that your PM was not easy, but great that they are happy to throw the kitchen sink at the tests and scans, that’s only a good thing even if it comes from the most horrendous event of your life.
@MrsLCW wow, you’re flying along and congrats on having a boy, if you weren’t expecting it you have plenty of time to get your head around it.
@askingalways Best of luck for your FW next week. It’s hard to know what way to approach it, but you know make sure your other half knows all of the struggles in your head, a problem shared is a problem halved – especially when it comes to making a baby post loss, it’s a tricky place to be in. Take care of you.
@LittleLuce37 You’re doing so well with your return to work, day by day, well done and loads of luck this week, fingers crossed.

I’m doing ok, 8+3 today. I still haven’t had an appointment to book in or see consultant so I’ve chased today as anxiety is starting to creep in. I do have a reassurance scan booked for week 10 though, so that is good to have in the diary. My last two pregnancies at this stage I was fairly sure I was miscarrying but the symptoms this time have hit me like a tonne of bricks – boobs are ginormous already, non-stop nausea and so so tired. DH still travelling so I’m literally held together with string by the time the wknd comes along and he’s home. I have in-laws visiting too so it’s all come at once. They are very lovely people but scrutinise everything I do/say and I’m starting to resent their visits. They come from abroad so it's normally a v long visit. This time they stay with us then have a little trip about for a few weeks then back again for the guts of a week. They don’t know I’m preg yet either, so I’m coping with all of this + kids + work on my own. I feel like checking into a hotel this wknd just to lie down in peace and quiet! Wish me luck ladies.

Best of luck to all in FW and those about to test, fingers and everything crossed for you xxx

Hi all

@39Suzy work is going ok... been welcomed back really well. I do love my job but dying to get home today... it's FW after all hahaha

I tho k it will prob be more difficult going in to the Glasgow office as I was off so suddenly but we will see... one day at a time.

Ah @mrslcw that is lovely news 😁 💙

@askingalways 🤞 that it is third time lucky

Lovely to hear that things are ticking along as well as possible. Glad your bumps are coming along nicely too! Isn't it funny how our version of doing well is so different now, just surviving the days and ticking off the weeks is enough sometimes.
I've also realised I'm quite fickle now, I'm still internally pretty bitter of others pregnancies and births since my loss. Except if I know it's a PAL - I just feel sheer happiness for them.

FW of our 3rd cycle is next week and I'm trying to decide what approach to take. I chop and change between no ovulation testing and DTD every other day to twice a day 🙈
It's exhausting just thinking about it all on top of the grief let alone doing it!!

Hi lovely ladies, been thinking of you all lots as always!
We are 15+6 now and found out a few days ago we are having a boy 💙
We were super shocked as my symptoms are pretty much identical to when I was pregnant with Penny (still suffering with sickness/heartburn etc) but turns out all my babies are gonna be tinkers and make their mammy suffer irrelevant as to wether they are boys or girls 😍
All is going well so far in this pregnancy, and I am being very well looked after by midwives and consultants etc.
I have my 16 week mw appointment on Friday, a meeting with the consultant the following week (who scans me every fortnight when I see him) and some big appointments with the fetal medicine unit soon.

Hope all you lovely ladies TTC are getting closer to your BFP, and those of you expecting are keeping well and keeping your chins up 😘😘

Hi @askingalways! I was just thinking this morning it had all gone a bit quiet on here....

Good thanks i am 9+6 now and had a second scan earlier this week. We also had our PM results which was a mixed bad. Long story, very short is that although the MRI consultant and genetics team believed our brain abnormality was a sporadic incident most likely caused by an infection (i had flu), pathology have said they believe it is genetic and referred us back for more testing. So..... the consultant called our geneticist whilst we were there who is sticking my his guns but has agreed to run some more detailed tests, all brand new tech that is literally weeks old. It is optional but at this stage, we may as well keep going! In terms of #2 it will be a case of doing as many scans and extra checks as i am.comfortable with but ultimately it is going to be a long old wait before the brain can be checked for normal development. The one good thing which came out of it was that baby definitely would have had a fatal seizure during or after birth if i carried him to term and he made it that far so we definitely did the right thing. But was pretty mad that there was several errors in the report including the date of birth! Another week, another appt next Wednesday!!!

Here is #2 (obviously we will try and think up a better name 😁)

How are you getting on? Where abouts are you in your cycle??

@littleluce37 hope work is going ok?

@tessa0ssa how you doing? In laws still there or has your peace and quiet returned?

@miami81 and @partyinthekitchen hope you and babies are doing ok?

How's everyone doing?

It will get easier 😊

@39Suzy well things went a bit pear shaped... I'd asked to relocate desks because I don't think I can bear to sit where I was. It was all fine til they said they can't find anywhere else (which I know is rubbish they have totally empty offices there!!). So had a really bad day Friday getting upset over it

Hopefully it'll be sorted. I'm in HQ the first two days anyway. 2 days in a hotel and home just in time for FW haha

That is good of her. Will be thinking of you x

@39Suzy funnily enough my line manager (her and my immediate team have been amazing) actually asked me how I wanted to go about it and if I felt comfortable or not it being mentioned etc. She was very helpful and put me at ease. I've not long had a call from the bereavement midwife at the hospital and have been referred for the specialist counselling that they do so finger crossed.

@littleluce37 My bereavement MW advised having the words ready so you werent caught off guard, upsetting you more. The oneliner she gave me was 'Oh i'm sorry you hadnt heard, unfortunately X came early and didnt make it.' And then have an exit strategy to walk away or if that isnt possible, a question like 'So how have you been doing?' To deflect away from more questions, unless you want to talk. But the few (and it is a handful as most knew) of people that i have explained our loss to (mostly hadnt realised i was pregnant but just absent...i had kept my pregnancy fairly quiet, not intentionally but just ended up being that way) they have crawled up the wall to change the subject after doing the usual 'oh god i am so sorry'.

I was terrified that people would ask questions when i went back but do you know what, people's lives move on and with a few exceptions, are mostly too wrapped up in their own lives to worry about other people.

I feel far stronger about it now as the emotion isnt as raw but i did spend a lot of time worrying about it! The other thing which was useful was sending a note to my team the day before i was back. It helped (in theory) to put people at ease as to what to expect (fine to talk about it, fine not to talk about it but please talk to me!). Most people have told me that it was a brave but useful move as most people just dont know how to react so it definitely helped.

@39Suzy well it was a brand new dentist. So not only did I have an exceptionally good looking young man having to put his poor hands in my horrid mouth, he had no idea and just came out with "oh did you have a boy or a girl" so I had to tell him. They were very lovely though and I didn't cry.

Exhausted after all that, came home and slept for 2 hours!!

Back to work Tuesday and 2 days in London. I still took my MAT leave as with any loss after 24 weeks we are still entitled to it. I'm hoping that most people already know but I bet there's going to be one person that doesn't (through no fault of their own) and asks about the baby

@littleluce37 oh that is a rough day ☹
I had my dentist appt last week but do you know what, i was so proud of myself for explaining and not crying. He was so lovely and emailed reception to add it to my notes so i didnt have to explain again.

I also had that same convo with a collegue today after she was thoroughly confused as to why i wasnt on mat leave. The office fell silent (i was on the phone to her) as i explained. It gets easier i think and definitelt felt comfortable, and grateful that she asked. It is the uncertainty of 'do they know or not' i find hard!

Hope the smear was ok too it makes such a difference when you are comfortable with the nurse or whoever x

@PartyintheKitchen yep, I can totally relate to that. We've had the same discussion, I've put a symbol on the calendar for the fertile week and I'm going to try not to mention ovulation even if I test as it does suddenly pile on the pressure. But as my other half knows when and why we both share responsibility.

@PartyintheKitchen exactly that. I had the same exact conversation with my DH. I felt it was unreasonable for him not to take some of the pressure because otherwise I was going off the deep end every month when he wasn't in the humour on a particular night.

@PartyintheKitchen YES!!! We've actually chatted about it a bit this morning. I'm still going to test and we will still know my most fertile days... but on the flip side of that we are also going to focus on BD more often maybe every few days we can the rest of the cycle rather than purely those smiley face days and getting stressed about that small window of time... if that makes sense?!

I've also considered acupuncture but I don't know if I'm getting carried away with myself!!

Oh @LittleLuce37 that's a rough day for you, sending you support. It's just shit isn't it, I mean, you have to get these checks done, they're important, but the memories of the room is hard. Take care and lots of luck @ the dentists.

For the bd-ing and the fertile window - wondering what you think of my approach. I found with my DH that if I was taking the pressure off him, I ended up putting lots of pressure on myself! For many months I would silently know when I ov'd, and put no pressure on him but still BD as much as possible without much discussion on the fertile window. Then when I wasn't pregnant each month I felt it was my fault as I was the one who held the info needed. I explained this to him, saying that I'm the one who knows my body and I generally do know when I'm fertile so it's more helpful to share that with DH so he knows what I know and I'm not the only one who's doing the thinking for when to BD. I feel I do so much thinking/organising for our family that to not have his support on this would be unfair, I need him to help and understand. He wants another baby just as much as me, it's our family, not my family. So I see no issue with getting him involved in our ttc journey! It worked, he totally understood what I said and was happy to take some responsibility and it was a relief. Within 2 months I was (an still am) pregnant. Fingers and toes crossed it continues.

Hope you all have a good day x

@Miami81 thanks. Luckily it was clear the nurse knew as soon as she spoke to me. I didn't have to explain so I'm pleased about that. Unfortunately (and nobody would have had any idea) she was in the same room where I first lay and heard my babies heartbeat. So I'm now a bit of a blubbering wreck in Costa.

I think the dentists already know... because the receptionist goes to my Slimming World class

@askingalways hi there and I am so sorry about your son. We waited 9 months before trying as there were many many medical avenues that we wanted to pursue/ reach conclusions with prior to getting pregnant again. We were extraordinarily lucky to fall quickly. You will get there. I agree with one of the other posters who said that it won't matter if it's this month, next month or whenever as long as there is a healthy baby at the other end. I know that's really hard to focus on when you are in the midst of ttc. It's very stressful and very emotional. I cried the first and second time we had unprotected sex and were actually ttc. Think DH may also have had something in his eye. It felt very much like it was a new beginning and then I felt so awful and guilty that I was feeling like that. We are here with you, nobody else gets this like a loss mom does and I am so glad that this thread exists.

Oh @LittleLuce37 what a tough day. I rang my dentist beforehand to say what had happened which meant that the receptionist had to deal with me snotting crying on the phone, but at least everyone knew by the time I got there.
And yes people poking around your nether regions is ridiculously triggering, again make sure the nurse knows what's happened so that if you have to have a bit more time that she is kind and caring.

@39Suzy I'm looking forward to it but also dreading it. I love my job but priorities have changed so much...

Well ladies, I am really treating myself today... smear test AND the dentist. Haven’t had anyone poking around my nether regions since I gave birth knowing my DD wasn't alive so I’m pretty much having a panic attack and last time I was at dentist I was pregnant. Today can do one xxx

Hope going back to work goes well @littleluce37 😁

@askingalways I know... I'll probably still test tbh but maybe just BD every other day rather than focus on those particular ones... I still want to know I've ovulated or I'll panic!!

Spoke to Dr about periods... they're regular and no unusual pain or bleeding in between so she talked me through why all my concerns (basically things I'd googled!!) wouldn't be a problem and I do think part of it is me noticing more than I did before as opposed to just actual changes

Start back at work next week. Two days away at HQ in London but get back just as my fertile window begins haha

@LittleLuce37 I've been thinking about doing the same next time round. No ovulation tests and just take the pressure off a bit.
However I'm not sure I'll be able to resist - I have too much time on my hands and I'm too desperate to get it right!