TTC after stillbirth

@39Suzy I am so so sorry that your group were like that.
I was on a mn antenatal group for December 2017 and it moved to a closed fb group. I told them what had happened and removed myself from the group. They were really lovely, loads of them got in touch privately. They got us vouchers for a break away and at Christmas when she was due to arrive they sent a Christmas bauble with her name on. The note said that she would always be one of the December 2017 babies. It was really lovely and made me still feel like a mom and one of the group.
I am so sorry that your group were so shit, it is really not helpful when people can't be grown up and empathetic. Assholes

Yep I will keep ye posted about hypno. It's all about reprogramming the unconscious part of your mind. We shall see.
Oh yeah I am the spectre, I feel like everywhere I go there are pregnant people and that when they are faced by me they remember that it's not all plane sailing.
Was at a work meeting with one of the guys and his baby is due in a few weeks and we randomly ended up talking about nhs as he had gall bladder surgery a few months ago. I mentioned that the nhs/uk stillbirth numbers are horrendous and that it haunts me every day that if we had pushed for additional scanning when I was freaking out about movements then dd may be here. He almost fell off his chair when I said that if we had been in any other eu country (Poland, Ireland, Croatia etc) that there is every chance that the placenta problems would have been picked up. I honestly think that people thought there was something unavoidably wrong that meant she had to die at 27 weeks and it turns out that is not the case at all. The only way for things to change is for the fucking bubble to burst. I then also mentioned to him that he has probably already read stuff about cotdeath prevention for his baby when it arrives and he said yes he had. Again he was super surprised that actually cot death rates have improved so much that it is 1:10,000 whereas stillbirth is 1:200. He got really worked up on our behalf, it didn't feel great to burst his bubble, but honestly I don't know how anything will change otherwise. Also who is to know who in his life going forward will be affected, someone from one of his classes, someone from his personal life. People need to know. And they need to know that we aren't spectres, we are just people trying to deal with the rawest end of the deal that could possibly exist.

Oh and i have a confession. I was on another forum with a dozen or so ladies for best part of five months whilst i was pregnant. We laughed, cried, shared our journeys, bore our souls and handheld through more than five months of pregnancy. The day after i lost my boy, the admin deleted my username and due date from the pinned post which hurt so much when my heart was breaking anyway. I refused to let myself log in again as couldn't bear to but last week, i did. Not one of them had messaged, asked how i was or asked if anyone had heard off me. They had just carried on as if i had never been there... so i posted a message to say that although i had got the message that i wasnt that welcome, i wished them all well with their new arrivals. A nice gesture but also felt it was a big 'up yours' too. They apologised. It made me feel a bit better but i think it is a massive reflection of real life too. People just turn their back and tiptoe away as that is easier.

Oh @bumbers i am sorry. Well done on being a really good person to her.
My manager told me this week she is going to be a grandmother.... hadn't told me before in case it upset me. Erm.... Helllllooooo that is not the reason i am 'upset'. In fact i am more upset she didnt just tell me a few weeks ago when i asked if her daughter was still in the family starting mode (she gave her stressful job up last year to start trying and has been doing a bit of work for her husband which had come up in conversation).
I popped into work for a social call with a few of the senior team that i work with this week. Was a very public meeting (in the cafe at head office) so saw loads of people. I had assumed that the lady that was due the same week as me would be on maternity leave as me would have left by now but nope, came face to face pretty much. I just (shamedly) pretended i hadn't seen her and carried on chatting. I am going back on a phased return next Wednesday... just as well as my sick pay goes to half pay from 2 weeks time (i thought i had another 8 weeks at full pay). I know i need to do it and once day one is over, it will be fine but i am feeling pretty apprehensive.
On the baby making front, i am in fertile week this week and very sure i have O'd. Missed out on the first day or two but have made up for it since! 😉

Hope the hypno session goes well @miami81

@testar0essa yep definitely. Nothing is a given and i am envious that i will never enjoy a pregnancy again, your innocence (or ignorance) is ripped away completely 😔

Bracing yourself for others' good news is difficult. And it does feel like you have to brace.

Funny (not funny) you mention nightmares @Miami81 , I'm really suffering with them. At least twice a night. My DH woke me this morning as I was having almost a panic attack in my sleep. I don't know what to do about it. Can you let us know if the hypnotherapy works?

Also, does anyone else feel like the spectre at the feast when others are pregnant? Everyone is happy and excited and the thought doesn't seem to cross their mind that something could go wrong. I feel like I need to shake them to warn them... I obviously don't ever say anything. There are times I feel so utterly broken.

Oh @Bumbers
Good on your boss for giving you a heads up. I find myself constantly on edge around some people waiting for them to tell me they are pregnant.
I had a nightmare last night that I started bleeding a lot with clots etc. Have hypnotherapy later on, hoping she can reprogramme me a small bit.

Wine has helped me raise it with her and be all positive and happy for her. Glad that the issue has been raised - hopefully makes the next 2 days go ok.

@Bumbers - oh Gawd! That's just crap. Sending you a big hug. Stick with others if you can. Good on your boss giving you the heads up. Keep us updated x

Just to add to my moaning, I am on a work trip (3 days woth no alone time) and have been warned by my boss that one of the ladies here with me is about to announce her pregnancy...Twin pregnancy. Twins! Been practicing my happy face. (obvs I am so happy for her, but it is still hard)

Thanks ladies for your lovely responses . It was even cathartic to write it down and have strangers on the internet respond so nicely, I'm already feeling better. I'm going to stock up on more pee sticks, it always helps to feel prepared for the month ahead. Thank you! Agree @39Suzy that it's nature's way, I also 100% prefer it that way - compared to later.

@Bumbers, do whatever you need to do to protect yourself, even if it means being a wee bit rude to a friend for a few months. You've just been through the mill, you don't owe anyone happy-clappy-smiley reactions ok. That's a fact.

I left facebook when I lost one of my twins. A v close relative had twins a month after us and plastered pics of them and their little babies all over fb, zero consideration for our broken hearts - it felt like salt in the wound. I decided to close my account as I needed to protect myself. Any little thing that helps keep your sanity - do it.

Take care ladies x

@partyinthekitchen I am so sorry. it is def a chemical and counts. I am so sorry. It is utterly unfair and not something anyone should have to go through. I am crossing all my fingers that you soon get the right pregnancy.

Today I have been feeling totally and unfairly angry/jealous of the million of pregnant women who seem to be everywhere. It just feels unfair, even though I know that is not fair to them. Esp a pregnant lady in my gym. She doesn't know about the twins etc and came in to one of my first classes after I started trying to work out again after the twins just as she announced her pregnancy. It hurt so much and she obviously wants me to be all gushing and happy about it, but I can't, esp after mmc. So just been polite but generally ignoring her. Not my finest moments, but I think you sometimes have to just do what you can.

Oh @PartyintheKitchen what an awful year you have had. Your chemical miscarriage absolutely counts. Sending you lots of love and I hope you get a bfp that becomes a healthy baby very soon.

Sorry to hear your news @partyinthekitchen i had a chemical in September last year (BFP followed by bleeding a week later). I know it doesnt help but it is natures' way of weeding out those conceptions that arent viable. I was pregnant less than 8 weeks later so make good use of your super-fertile time.

I will still update here😁

Hope you have a lovely weekend away and if you ever need to chat, DM me xxx

Hi everyone. @LilacIris hope you’re ok after AF starting, good that you’re all sorted for the coming cycle with your pee sticks, good to be prepared! @Bumbers, sorry you’re still bleeding, hopefully it stops soon, it’s just another thing to worry about after a rubbish time. Hope you're taking care of yourself. @39Suzy good you had a nice weekend with family, you took the Q from your niece v well I think. Fielding those kind of questions can sometimes floor you. @nutellaoffthespoon Hope things settle down for you soon. @toots123 you must be at the end of your 2ww now, best of luck! @miami81 hope your consultation goes well for you.

I’ve had a bit of an up and down week. I tested positive last week, faint line (but definitely a line) on a frer, was so so delighted, then AF appeared with a vengeance yesterday which was a bit of a blow. It’s now a year since we’ve been trying for another baby and I’m feeling a bit shit about the whole thing, honestly feeling a bit sorry for myself. A stillbirth and 2 MMCs (I’m not counting this last chemical – was it even a chemical?) are in general rubbish stats and nobody in RL really gets it. I know I shouldn’t feel like this but I do. I’ve had the chin up for years, I need a prop for it to stay up now! At least I can enjoy a few glasses of wine this weekend, DH and I are going away for a few nights sans DC which will be nice.

For the fb group, are you all transferring there? I’m not on fb but if you have time to continue to update here I would like that a lot. x

Hi @lilaciris best of luck to you!

@bumbers i am sure it will stop soon, i think stopping and starting is normal towards the end.

I am doing OK had a busy weekend away with my two sisters and 3 nieces and nephews who were highly excitable! They know my baby has 'gone to heaven' and was braced for questions but it was only the three year old that did which was 'Are you a Mammy?'.... bless her! She knew baby was in the sky so wasnt sure who was being his mammy now if i am here. I just had to laugh!!! My sister was mortified!
I am now in my fertile window although missed out over the weekend. I conceived last time on CD11 (which is today) so hopefully have started DTD early enough.

Thanks for setting up the FB group @toots123 it is great to put names to faces x

Sorry AF arrived @lilacIris. But good work with the opks! Fingers crossed for this cycle.

I just want to stop bleeding after SMM. Been 2.5 weeks and just doesn't quite stop although I keep thinking it has. grr.

How is everyone?

AF arrived so I have bought loads of opks and tests for this cycle.

@toots123 I have tried to DM you my details... have never used DM before though so let me know if it hasn't worked!

Hey @bumbers that is so nice your FIL has been able to talk to you. My mum has been with me for a week and definitely helps having family time. Your TTC time will come again.

@toots123 🤞 for you! And i have DMd you x

@nutellaoffthespoon ithink i am ready to start thinking about work but time will tell. Be gentle on yourself during your transition!

@Miami81 Keeping everything crossed for you 🤞🏼

@39Suzy Thank you. Still nothing happening here but I guess it's still early days. I just feel so in limbo. Never wished for a period this much in my life! I'm so glad you're feeling a little better - I hope things continue to feel more "level". I'm starting to do a little bit of work (I work for myself) in the hope I can be properly back by September. It's helping a lot personally to have something else to focus on even for a little while. I hope your phased return goes well in a few weeks.

@LilacIris I'm really pleased about your DH. It must be such a relief to be back on the same page. Fingers crossed for you too 🤞🏼

Sorry I'm a bit rubbish at keeping up. I think an FB group is a great idea @toots123 and I promise to be better at keeping up over there.

Take care all - hope today is a good day.

Hey @39suzy I'm doing ok. We were away for a long weekend seeing friends and family. Even had a really good chat with FIL about everything (they went through what we are going through a lot, but this is the first time we have ever spoken about it). Trying to not think about TTC as is still hard thinking about it and i can't do anything about it yet.

I am still lurking and keeping all my fingers crossed for everyone though!!

@bumbers you have been quiet for a few days, how are you doing today?