Living a lie

Then that discussion should flush out anything else that needs to be discussed!

Ime you really need to just tell men how it is - you can show him the stats from fertility friends website and say to him that these show 90 % all pg result from sex on the day of ov, day after and the day after that. Having sex on each of those days and ideally more than once massively ups your chances. I got duo fertility which is a tiny temperature patch that charts your ov for you. There is a paper in a scientific journal that says it’s as effective as a cycle of ivf. I got pg twice using this - the days you need to try are highlighted green after it learns your cycles. Men seem to like it as it’s very very clear and prescriptive. I think sitting him down , saying you want to buy this and why is what I would do next if you can afford it. Pricey which is annoying but it works ime

Were you 42 when you started ttc or are you 42 now? If the former, how would he respond to the idea of doing ivf with his sperm and donor eggs egg (if you are 45 and therefore unlikely, I'm guessing, to conceive using your own diet eggs)? That'd take sex out of the equation and might clarify his position on having a baby.

Wow sorry for the essay!!!

I have some idea how you feel OP.
Dh and I have been hoping to conceive for 2+yrs. (We already have a 3yr old)
We don't have sex often. When I talk to him about it he insists that he does want another child. I've been down the check my health route but all fine there so unlikely it's secondary infertility. I've explained to him that I've done that anyway and all the main advice regarding conceiving is regular sex, every 2-3 days. He's said said he can do that yet last month, after the latest of those conversations, we still only had sex twice.

What's happening with having sex? Are you waiting for him to initiate? Do you try to initiate? Does he reject you? Don't feel like you have to answer, just things to think to yourself.

My dh is a bit too into work vs homelife sometimes, but at the same time It's easy to only see things from your own perspective.
I can be as much to blame for a lack of sex as I've been off work unwell for a long time, & am knackered just existing and looking after our dd. When I'm at work as well I'm exhausted. But somehow I still expect him to take the lead and want sex with me to make a baby.

It's easy to blame him but there's two people in your relationship and 2 people need to feel like having sex. Life gets in the way of the ideal life. It's a cliche but do.you make time for one another? Do you still have things you enjoy doing together? Do you do those things? If not try getting back to enjoying your time together and hopefully the intimacy will return naturally.

I know it's not easy to do though. I know that's what my relationship needs but it's so much easier to just stick to things as they are. It takes an effort to improve things. You need to improve things before a baby is in your relationship because they're bloody hard work! Good luck. Sorry if my advice is useless.

Talk to your friends though. If they're good friends you should be able to share your situation and at least lift the weight off you a bit.

Ask him if he would be happy for you to do DIY AI?

I would feel angry and betrayed too

Gosh, how awful OP. I'm sorry to say that I agree with Soy. It's not whether or not he wants a baby that I'd be worrying about, it's why he doesn't seem to want sex. The phone is suspicious. Does he watch porn, that you know of?

I think the TTC is a red herring really... are you happy to stay in a marriage where you only have sex 10 times in 3 years, regardless of TTC?

Why would you want to bring a baby into a marriage that's clearly over?

Honestly leave him and go it alone. Don't lose your chance

I have seen posts on here where women have said they didn’t know anything about ovulation or conception or that they were fertile at certain times of the month so it is possible he does need it spelling out to him.

I see that at 42, it's not just a case of upping sticks and looking for new love
Sorry if I sounded too hard, but I really can feel your pain.

I think the issue is less of a case of bad timing (this can be worked on) and way more of an issue of him just not willing to make this happen. He's no fool. You don't get into your late 30s/40s and NOT realise that in order to make a baby, consistent sex is required. I'd be worried if he really had his head in the clouds about this! They don't call it 'gettin' busy' for nothing.

Do you use Clear Blue ovulation kits or anything like that (I'd really recommend this so you know when you're ovulating- at least you'll have an idea as to when you should be having sex and hopefully, this will give you more to work with)?
Don't despair. I had my last at 42, naturally, no fertility treatment at all. And I know plenty of women who've had their first at 40 and beyond. But your DH has got to NOT be so damn lazy.

Oh gosh, that sounds heartbreaking. I recognise some of the feelings though in somewhat different circumstances (the tears, that you end up consoling them) it is draining.

I talking to a friend is not as much of a betrayal as his behaviour. Don’t keep it all in

Are you 42 OP or is he 42?

Ugh. That's just total rubbish. My resentment would be burning.

I'd go the blunt route. You could write it all down OR just say it:

"We won't have kids at the rate we're having sex. What do you want? Because it's cards on the table time."

He's a time bandit, OP.

You need to have babies with someone else. Because you'll have kids with this guy (perhaps) and the issues around sex will remain. A different resentment will evolve. Sex right now is about having kids- it should be about more than this but undeniably there is a period of time between a couple where you're both focused on making a family. And when you're done making a family, you shouldn't be done with sex.
I have a feeling that you could flog a dead horse and eek out one child with your husband (maybe)... but then what?
He doesn't sound like someone who wants to invest in anyone but himself. It sounds like a lonely marriage.

Sorry you're going through this :(
The little amount of sex he wants is raising some red flags....maybe he's getting it elsewhere? And like you said he does just want you as a live in companion? Sorry if it's harsh. You can't be treated like this. It's not good for your mental health. Why don't you try some counselling on your own? Might build your confidence up a bit so you can leave him? If you go to your gp then they can refer you to some which is free if money is an issue. Hope you're ok 💐

My advice would be to have your side of the conversation in writing for him to read so that you have full control over what is being said and he can't brush away a serious talk about it before you've had your full say.

I would write down (possibly in bullet points so it's to-the-point) all of your thoughts/worries/anger at the issue for him to read it in black and white. Make sure he can read how much your relationship is suffering from this in case he has his head in the sand and is unaware that you're on the rocks over this issue. I would also do some internet research and print out general advice given for men on TTC, making sure there is a clear outline of how often sex is needed, and perhaps a print out on help for men TTC who have a low labido. It wouldn't harm to have information printed about TTC when over 40 as well so he can understand how serious the issue is.

Finally, I would have a sheet with "our plan" on it, so that once he has read through all the information and your feelings on the situation, you can sit down together and write up a plan of action together, rather than just letting it all fall back to being how it was before. Something along the lines of getting him to write down a promise on paper as to how often he can honestly commit to having sex, what each of you is going to do to improve your chances of conceiving, and what your plan is in case this doesn't happen in 6 months etc...
Make sure he is fully aware of the consequences if he doesn't stick to your plan.

I think having it in writing might bring home the seriousness of the issue a bit, and you can then show him what you'd discussed and committed to on your plan if after a few weeks he reverts back to old habits. He can't just deny the conversation or sweep it under the carpet that way.

That's what I would do anyway.

Good luck.

Does he not know how ovulation and conception work? Maybe he really thinks it will happen with the 1-2x/year. Could you go to a clinic for a fertility MOT and get some advice off the doctor as to frequency/chances etc? Maybe it will 'sink in' coming from a doctor. If nothing changes could you suggest using a sperm donor (if you want to remain in the relationship that is)? If not, cut your losses and go for it on your own if you really want a baby.

Surely if he is an intelligent man he is just kidding himself that he thinks you are trying for a baby but not having sex.

Oh OP - it sounds so difficult.

I think the bottom line is that he obviously doesn’t want a baby because if he did want a baby you’d be having regular sex. Sometimes it really is that black and white.

Take away all the crap, his reassurances, his platitudes etc etc and underneath it all is a man who doesn’t want a baby and seems to think it’s fine to lie to you and deny you of something that is incredibly important to you.

I’m only basing this on my own experience when TTC with my husband though who was just as eager and excited about having a baby as I was. Maybe some men aren’t bothered or excited when it comes to TTC, I don’t know, but I imagine most are.

Personally I would not be staying with this man as even putting the baby issue to one side, he’s been entirely selfish and deceitful to treat you like this and take away your opportunity to be a mother when he knows it’s something you want so much.

He’s allowed not to want children and that’s his choice to make, but he should have been honest with you because so much time has now been wasted.

You have my sympathies because it sounds like a very difficult situation to be in and nobody would blame you for putting an end to it all.

There are options available to women who want children but don’t have a partner so perhaps you could look into sperm donation. It may not be your ideal scenario but please don’t spend even more years with a nan who clearly doesn’t want what you want but sees no problem in pretending he does just so you stick around.

Life is short so put yourself first

I'm so sorry - that must be awful . Do you think it's time to have a very straight talk with him so he knows you're serious and your relationship is at risk?

What were things like in your relationship prior to trying 3 years ago? Is he a lot older than you? Does he have children already? You don't need to answer here OP these are questions you perhaps need to look at, if you haven't already. His unwillingness to talk added with his failure to see that sex is required suggest more than just burying his head in the sand. I am sorry for you OP but his interest in his work and phone are red flags that he is not very invested in his marriage at the moment. You need to sit him down, away from his phone for a serious discussion or two. Best wishes, I hope it works out for you.