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Original poster

Husband's low sex drive

38 replies

Upsetandmaybeunreasonable · 09/03/2018 09:11

I feel terrible.

I'm due to today, my husband has gone to work and I'm going away this afternoon until Monday.

We decided in November/December to start trying for a baby.

We do have a lot going on in our lives at the moment, but I'm getting really frustrated, as my husband just isn't very interested in sex. This isn't an issue that's only come about since we decided to start trying, it's been ongoing and I have no concerns about other women etc, it mainly comes from a lack of confidence which is something I've been trying really hard with him to work on.

When we decided to start trying I told him that if we're serious it does mean that he'll need to be up for it more often if we're to have a chance and he agreed and said he absolutely would be.

Here we are, the 4th/5th month of "trying" (at least one of those months we didn't have sex at all) and we only had sex once, on Wednesday night.

This morning, so our last chance this month, I told him I knew he'd let me down. I feel terrible for saying it and I know I've only made things worse but I'm just so so frustrated. We both really want a baby, he's been pushing for it for a while before I was ready (Im definitely on board now he hasn't pushed me in to it). I'm just struggling to get my head around why he wouldn't make the effort for something he wants so much.

I feel like I've got the normal hurt of feeling like he doesn't want me, coupled with this helpless, crippling sadness that it's likely another month will pass by without getting pregnant. I know there is a chance so will hold out hope.

I've reasoned with him, had really good conversations about it where it feels like we're getting somewhere, cried, shouted and now i know I've hurt him but I just don't know what to do. I feel like he'd benefit from me backing off and just not talking about it so there's no pressure but I'm genuinely afraid that if i do that, we just would never have sex again.

Has anyone else been in a similar position and can offer any advice? I'm so low about it.

OP posts:
Merrz · 09/03/2018 11:41

I actually just giggled to myself at LetsGo's comment. Only on MN would someone post something so over the top and ridiculous!

It might be worth suggesting you have a few months break from ttc OP? That's obviously not what either of you want but it might take the pressure off your DH and they if you (secretly) tried to encourage sex around when you know you ov you never know

taylor1027 · 09/03/2018 10:42

Do you know why he has a low sex drive? Is it just confidence or something else as well? Maybe there is something else going on he doesn't want to talk about?

I feel like lack of confidence wouldn't completely stop him from wanting sex. You need to tell him about your needs and how it's making you feel and maybe don't stop ttc but stop the pressure of it. No more opks, etc. If he doesn't change anything then maybe he needs to talk to someone because burying the issue isn't going to help anyone.

Original poster
Upsetandmaybeunreasonable · 09/03/2018 10:20

Thanks for advice @bojangles, didn't know it was possible with a mooncup 😂 will give it consideration if no improvement, and will perhaps start reading the fertility forums for some top tips!

OP posts:
Original poster
Upsetandmaybeunreasonable · 09/03/2018 10:17

Wow @letsgobitches you've jumped to a lot of conclusions there!!

I'll answer your points in order:

Yes I have absolutely no doubt that I want him to be the father of my children, he is a wonderful man.

I don't believe for a second that we would never have sex again after having a baby.

I believe ovulation sticks etc will only increase the pressure as will demanding sex on specific days - that really isn't his only purpose in life.

As much as I deserve happiness, he deserves for me to stick by him as he has by me.

I'll now address the main big assumption that you've made. It isn't the case that he's never had an interest in sex, nor is it the case that his needs are consistently put in front of mine. I cannot tell you the lengths he has gone to in our lives to put what I want first. It's as a result of making some huge changes to allow us to live the life that I want, that for the last 18 months or so our lives have been a totally upside down, there's so much going on, and whilst his confidence issues have always been there, it's this period of change that's caused the issue to be as bad as it is now, and it's not something that either of is envisage will be forever.

As much as i don't agree with your response, thank you for giving it. How it made me quickly come to his defence answered the question in my own head - perhaps it's just not the right time to be trying and I'm being too hard on us, him especially.

OP posts:
pinkdonkey · 09/03/2018 10:13

letsgo I think that's a bit harsh. Sex is only a small aspect of a relationship it's just really really vital when ttc! Normally DH and I are quite well matched sexually it's just ttc that puts pressure on to do it more often than we otherwise might. If this has only become an issue for OP since starting ttc then she may be in a similar position.

Bojangles33 · 09/03/2018 10:09

We had some similar issues when TTC and yes, the pressure does make things worse.

If there are no fertility issues it might better if he can "produce a sample" that you can then put in a mooncup or similar to get it where it needs to be! Not exactly the most romantic conception but I know plenty of people who have done this (there are no secrets in fertility forums 😂)

We also ended up having IVF in the end (because of issues with my fertility though, not DHs) but I do think it took pressure off DH and that even if I had been fertile we would have struggled if we had to manage naturally.

It is frustrating, sorry OP :(

LetsGoBitches · 09/03/2018 10:05

OP, if you want a baby, you need to make a decision about whether your DH is the one to father them.

Your DHs lack of interest in sex isn’t going to go away overnight so you need to realize that in effect even if you do have a baby with him, you may never have sex with him ever again after that.

Are you willing to have a sexless marriage? Especially when you will have to be involved with him if you do actually have a child together?
You already feel rejected after a few months of ttcing- think about how rejected you’ll feel as the sexless years roll by.

I’d get ovulation sticks, and lay it out to him how your body works and that he has to do the deed on this day and this day, or you’ll go to a fertility clinic and have donor sperm IUI / go out on the tiles and shag Boris Becker! There’s no arguing with the ovulation sticks.

But to be honest with you, I think your marriage is doomed, there’s no balance there, it’s all about his way, not yours, with no dialogue, and I’d advise you to look elsewhere for a man who loves you and wants what you want!

This getting pregnant situation has just highlighted that your situation is unsustainable and that he’s has problems that you can’t fix. I think you deserve better in your life than feeling rejected and second guessing someone who’s not engaged at all with you.

Use this time with your counselor to really find out what you want and put plans in place to achieve those goals.

You deserve every happiness and I think by concentrating on what you want for yourself for a happy and fufilled life will clarify the situation.

Original poster
Upsetandmaybeunreasonable · 09/03/2018 09:53

Sorry to hear you're struggling too @pinkdonkey. Hope the medication change makes a difference and you get your baby soon x

OP posts:
Original poster
Upsetandmaybeunreasonable · 09/03/2018 09:48

I suspect that me pushing it, getting upset etc makes it worse because it increases the pressure on him but I don't want to stop because I feel that then we'd definitely get nowhere at all. I want to strike a balance but I don't know what that is.

OP posts:
pinkdonkey · 09/03/2018 09:39

Snap, DH is on medication that affects his libido and also causes erectile problems. I really understand how frustrating it is. If I didn't give a lot of encouragement we wouldn't dtd at all I fw. If I push too hard he gets anxious about it and it makes the erectile problems worse. We probably manage once or twice per fw. I am using opks so I can try to ensure We hit the right days but can't let him know when they are or performance anxiety kicks in. We have been ttc for 2 years now and just been referred to a fertility clinic DH seems almost relieved at the idea of IVF like he is keen to have the responsibility taken over by someone else. Like you he was the one pushing for kids for years before I was ready and gets disappointed when I'm not pregnant.

We had some couples therapy to deal with his medical diagnosis and although we didn't discuss ttc/bedroom issues specifically it did improve the erectile problems. I think because the communication and closeness of our relationship improved as a result. So they were at least in part psychological but they also coincide with his medication starting and stopping and changing in dose. He also revealed that he is terrified that I will develop PND and kill myself and it would be his fault for getting me pregnant. So we have talked about that and how we would deal with it if I do get PND etc.

He's in the process of medication changes at the moment which are helping with the libido but less so with the erectile problems.

Not got any answers for you but understand the frustration.

Original poster
Upsetandmaybeunreasonable · 09/03/2018 09:23

Thanks for replying. I'm seeing a counsellor myself at the moment and asked him if he thought we would benefit from going together and he outright refused. I just feel like he isn't trying.

OP posts:
Patienceofatoddler · 09/03/2018 09:22

Have you considered couples counselling?

Maybe it would help him open up and that would help to build his confidence.

Feel for you - obviously the more you do it the more chance their is of conception and less chance of missing the right time.

Original poster
Upsetandmaybeunreasonable · 09/03/2018 09:12

Due to ovulate today! Should have proof read 🙄

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