When the going gets tough, the tough get Yams

Had a moment of madness after reading threads on different conception forums about pregnancy after a hsg/hycosy and almost ordered a babygro that I could give to OH to tell him when I’m pregnant. I thought I’d lost all hope but then reading all those success stories I thought hey, you never know. Except I do know, I’m not going to be pregnant for a very long time, if ever. Why do I do this to myself?? I even tried to justify it by thinking if I’m not pregnant any time soon, it’ll be a reminder to keep going. I’m sure in reality it would only be a reminder that I’m not pregnant lol must give myself a pep talk later

Ron I'm about to hit the 2 year mark and turn 35 all in 1 go, it's rubbish isn't it. And AF is due Friday so guessing it will be here for mothers day. There's nothing to feel guilty about you are not in control of your body in this respect.

limp sending huge hugs

My mental health is really really shit at the moment (it's not been great the last few years) the antidepressants I was on made my periods irregular and I then found out can stop ovulation. Not on anything now but really need to be, GP is reluctant whilst TTC but is willing to put me on one of the lower risk ones but tells me there's a risk it could cause heart defects I've done loads of research into it and it looks like the research behind that risk is very tenuous. But a risk is still a risk so tonight I'm sat here trying to distract myself from thoughts of hurting myself (don't panick they are just thoughts and I'm well practiced at resisting them it's just a miserable way to spend an evening)

Thanks guys, I really appreciate that. Especially as I know some of you are having such a tougher time than me (hope you are doing okay & looking after yourself Limp) *
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The luck element is one of the hardest things to deal with I think. For most other things (career/ education etc) if you set your mind to it, and work hard you can usually move in the right direction. But treating ttc as a goal makes no difference to the result, just sends you slightly bonkers.

I don't usually talk about my TTC struggles irl, but tonight I messaged one of my bfs to say how I was feeling & she replied that at least I was having sex! She had a nasty break up about 2 years ago & has been single since. I held her hand a lot through that breakup & it took quite a lot for me to send that message to say how I was feeling tonight.

Sounds super crazy limp it always seems like everything happens all at once, no wonder you’re feeling a bit mental. When’s the big day by the way?

Jeremy Kyle’s green room made me snigger. First appointment I had at the fertility clinic, a heavily pregnant woman was stood outside smoking and I had visions of punching her square in the face. I’m starting to wonder if I should start shooting up heroin, it seems to work for everyone else. But like you said, it’s all luck. God, I hate luck.

Thank you Bubblegum. I've been mental (medical term innit) the last couple of weeks. Wedding looming and family strife on top of another miscarriage has made me a bit more bonkers than usual, and I've been offline a bit more. We're doing ok but the aftermath of this time while my due date from first m/c looms is total pants. Well, first this time ttc. Urk.

Don't even. Walking into that fucking clinic for the third set of scans, knowing the baby had died, passing through Jeremy Kyles green room (smoking area of delivery suites) made me die inside a little. That's what I mean. There is no failure, no way to influence 'winning'. Just dumb biological luck

ron you are NOT a failure. Fertility isn’t a guarantee and you should never measure your self-worth on it. I agree, it’s absolute shit and see so many women who don’t deserve to be pregnant getting knocked up easily. My best friend’s sister-in-law for example, she has 4 kids and smoked through all her pregnancies. That pisses me off because why should someone who is so selfish that they won’t stop smoking whilst pregnant even though they know they’re effectively poisoning their unborn baby be able to have FOUR kids and people like us struggle. It’s not fair, none of it is fair. But don’t blame yourself

I wondered how you were doing limp hope things have been as okay as they can be, considering. Sending you virtual hugs

Oh @ron you are so not a failure. TTC is like taking the worst test on earth. You can’t study or use a book, you can’t google the answer or find out from someone else. All you can do is sit and hope that somehow you get the right answers. It is so unfair but it is not based on anything you have or haven’t done at all.

I’m keeping everything crossed for all of us on this thread. We’ve all been here far too long ❤️

I've been lurking but not much to post. Brain is ttc fried, waiting on recurrent miscarriage referral and totally fucked off im not ovulating yet. Doing that stupid thing of ignoring miscarriage thinking I'll be more fertile now 🙄

Oh Ron. Ttc is such a horror show, and it's so hard to stay rational. My long term ttc friend (44 now and given up) always says the day she realised pregnancy / motherhood is not an achievement, not something she could diligently apply herself to in order to succeed was the day the fog lifted a bit. It's still shit, but you have not failed, it's shit luck, and there's nothing to feel guilty about. Wishes could take own advice.

Lexie they are doing an open morning near me fairly soon so I think I'll take a look. It's good to know the pros and cons before getting the sales pitch.

I'm having quite a bad evening. Some minor work and home issues have turned me into a sobbing basket case. I feel like I'm just so exhausted. It's nearly been two years of this shit. I'm actually have an enforced month off TTC as DP is away during fw and I'm almost feeling like it'll be an emotional holiday. I sometimes don't even know myself anymore, I've lost all my spark and my mojo.

And now I'm thinking more seriously about ivf I feel like such a failure for not being able to do this. And worse - guilt. I actually feel guilty for apparently not being able to function properly.

Glad to hear it went ok @Chooklass. We've got our first appointment at Easter so it's useful to know what to expect.

CD35 here and I stupidly POAS this morning. Of course it's a BFN. I just wish AF would arrive so we can start another cycle!

looking sending big hugs.

chooklas glad that you got some positives from your appointment.

My app tells me AF is late but based on opk and ovulation cramping I'm reckoning I'm only 10dpo so still waiting it out not feeling especially positive today. On the plus sign I've no signs AF is on the way though.

Thanks @ronswan that’s a really good read- if somewhat terrifying. I know there’s going to been varying pov with different experiences etc but every positive experience has a negative one to match! 😬

@bubble yes there’s a difference between natural and mild- natural is zero drugs, they just monitor then extract your eggs when you ov naturally. That’s why they need to do it 3 cycles to get the ideal 5/6 eggs. Then they fertilise and implant successful blastocyst if there is one. Mild, however, has 6-9 days of drugs, supposedly a lower dose to avoid hyper stimulation. But this is only suitable for women with an adequate/high AMH. Defo go to an open evening.

Glad your appointement went okay chooklass bit crappy getting those diagnoses but hopefully they can get things started to try and help you. I know plenty of women with PCOS and/or endo who have had more than one child naturally. Is it a SIS they’re going to do? That’s a catheter/US up the vag, fills your uterus with dye to check lining, uterus shape and look for any odd patches. They usually do that alongside a HSG/HyCoSy. Or could be a hysteroscopy if is a camera, prob to look for where your endo is and if there’s any additional scar tissue. Either way, it’s good that you’re getting everything you need done so you an be in the best position you can going forward :)

Fertility appt was okay - feeling quite positive. We were mainly referred because DPs SA results were 'poor' but doc says he's only slightly below what they'd like. They did an internal u/s in me and confirmed pcos and possibly endo - I'd always suspected either but not both, so that's a bummer. Been referred for HSC and something else involving a camera up my vag which I can't remember the name of! But generally nothing looks awful so that's a relief. She confirmed I'd just ov'd on my right side which is great as I thought I had yesterday (cramps) and we've been dtd. The staff were all very lovely which helped a lot.

lexie the idea of IVF terrifies me lol the amount of drugs etc you have to take and the fact that you can put your body through all of that and it still not work. Horrible. I need to see if there are any open evenings near us I think.

looking oh I see, I don’t really know much about sperm stuff lol too busy worrying about my own parts. Have you been given the all clear? Not sure where you were up to with tests. It’s good you still have options but totally understand why it’s still upsetting. Everyone wants to be able to get pregnant naturally and when you realise that probably won’t happen, it’s pretty devastating even if you are able to get pregnant with help. Sending you (and your OH!) hugs

Thanks for that Ron I did have a read of the Create website and it said that mild IVF was suitable for those with normal/high egg reserve but that thread says the opposite haha. I wouldn’t use Create as my fertility clinic does mild IVF too and I trust them, they’re great so if I do any treatment it will be with them.

I am a little wary of anything that isn’t actual IVF as I want to do whatever gives the highest success rates. I think that natural IVF is different to mild IVF but I’ll have to research a bit more!

At my clinic, both IVF and mild IVF are £2900 per cycle and then medication is extra. I think realistically we could easily do 2 cycles of mild or one cycle of normal (based on extra med prices) but it’s which one we would have the highest chances with... argh I wish this could all be a bit simpler!

@LookingAtTheStars89 maybe things will only get better from here. The next few weeks will be hard especially with your edd coming up but hopefully by the end of the month things will be a bit brighter. Keeping everything crossed for some positive news to come your way soon.

Here's the thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/infertility/2537425-Create-fertility-natural-IVF-any-experiences-or-success-stories

Bubble randomly I've just been looking into the mild/natural option. My nearest ivf clinic is a Create one & that's what they specialise in. I googled 'Create fertility' and found a MN thread on the subject, some people had negative & positive experiences - with a lot of people arguing that if your ovarian reserve was of a decent level then standard IVF might lead to better results as you have more chances. However, I'm also attracted to fewer drugs & as I'm 38 with PCOS and mediocre ovarian reserve I might look into it a bit more.

FYI one of the criticisms of this clinic was that although they appear cheaper, there were a few hidden costs, so that's worth weighing up too.

@Highwater. We Are doing the same. Apparently morphology is the hardest one to improve. It is upsetting yes.

@Bubblegum89. They won't do any more. Everything else was fine - DH actually has loads of swimmers, it's just that 97% of them can't penetrate an egg! As I said above, morphology is the hardest to improve so we will do our best but are being realistic. I've started looking into IVF with ICSI. We'd need up to save for a bit and I would need to lose a bit of weight.

This is turning out to be a sucky month! It's my EDD on the 18th, which I'm dreading, I'm about to be diagnosed with bloody PCOS by the sounds of my scan yesterday and now this with DH. Sorry, I'm ranting!

@bubble I’ve just been to an open evening about this! It was really interesting- quite scary hearing about normal ivf as I hadn’t realised they use drugs to bring on menopause then restart your system. V scary to me. However, the mild or natural are serious options for us. It’s still bloody expensive but half regular ivf costs. I defo recommend going to an open evening for more info. Ooh! The first ever ivf baby is 40 this year- she was a result of natural ivf- no drugs!

As a result of the evening we have decided to do 2 more months then book into our first round of ivf. I’m nearly 36 and don’t want to wait any longer- I lost hope count at 18months TTC.

@doasdreamersdo I got so excited when I got the positive OPK, I almost missed it because it was so early! It's also positive because it means more regular chances as waiting c. 50 days feels like forever!

Looking I’m so sorry it wasn’t great news. From what I’ve heard though, morphology can be improved so that’s a good thing. Will they do other SA now and again to check on it?

I’m looking into IVF as thinking of getting a start on it in the autumn. I came across mild IVF, have any of you heard of it before? It’s like normal IVF but the medication cost is hugely reduced because you are only medicated for 5-9 days so it’s also kinder on your body. Apparently it focuses on egg quality rather than egg quantity so it works with the one egg you would release naturally rather than producing a bunch of eggs and that reduces the risk of OHS. It says the success rates are just as good as normal IVF, I’m thinking of going down that road instead. Do you think it sounds too good to be true?

Looking sorry about your update. I hope you are both doing ok today x

High I've not done acupuncture but I've been pleased that for the last couple of months my cycles have gone down from 35 days to 30 days so I can totally see why it's exciting!

Thanks @wonky and @pinkdonkey, really appreciate the messages. Love the story about the acupuncturist, sadly mine is female hehe!