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Original poster

'Fired' as bridesmaid because TTC!

89 replies

Doodlebug89 · 27/01/2018 11:43

A close friend asked me to be bridesmaid over a year ago for her wedding this coming July. Me and my husband got married last summer, but have held of TTC until now to avoid a big bump during their wedding that might create dress problems.

In December my friend mentioned that she was going to start TTC straight after the wedding and asked whether we were. Not thinking anything of it, I mentioned that we weren't but we would next year. That evening she sent me a long message saying that she thinks it's best if I am not bridesmaid because I am ttc, and it makes ordering dresses etc difficult.

  1. I am not pregnant.
  2. I may not be for a long time.
  3. Unless I get pregnant Jan or Feb this year I will not have a significant bump by mid July.

I'm happy to:
A. Order a size up and pay for alterations.
B. Wait until March to order the dress
C. Order it now and pay her back for the dress if I can't wear it

I explained that I feel really uncomfortable being removed as bridesmaid as if I am not pregnant by July (which may well happen) I'll feel doubly sh*tty. It will highlight the fact that I am not pregnant to me and dh. Additionally, I will have to explain to people who knew I was a bridesmaid why I am no longer a bridesmaid. If I am pregnant, no problem. If not, she thinks I should tell people that "we are planning to start a family and it would not have been fair to the bride and groom." I refuse to do this - I haven't even told my own mother that we are trying to conceive. In fact, I have barely told anyone because we don't want the pressure. So I will be put in a really awkward and horrible position.

I feel that it would be bad to remove someone as bridesmaid because they were pregnant (unless they were ready to pop!), let alone because they are about to start ttc. Surely if I am her friend, having a small bump shouldn't be a problem? I have offered the solutions above regarding the dress. I feel she is putting my in a really terrible position, for no real reason.

Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
BLM18 · 27/01/2018 15:03

Who has brown bridesmaids dresses anyway ?!? Sounds like your well out of it. Sounds very selfish

caoraich · 27/01/2018 13:51

Omg. I don't have any advice beyond what pp have said but just wanted to say.... I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE! I'm not even a BM either but I've been removed from doing a reading as it would look "weird". Wedding in July and I'm not even pregnant yet.
The best bit is that the bride said, when I mentioned ttc, that "I don't want any pregnant women at my wedding because the wine is amazing and it will go to waste".
I too think it's just she doesn't want attention off her.

Anyway OP, I empathise lots! Rethink your friendship.

KimmySchmidt1 · 27/01/2018 13:47

Just don't go to the wedding, then she can spend the whole day explaining why. It's hard enough not being able to get pregnant without having to explain yourself to people.

Why didn't she just hire models if it was all about how you'd look?

ForgivenessIsDivine · 27/01/2018 13:46

Even if you didn't have a bump but were pregnant, your breasts may have grown and you still might not fit into the dress. I would hate the thought that you would have to update her every month on whether you were pregnant or not... I would try to come up with something that let's her know she is being unreasonable and you are stepping out of the way because of it.

Maybe: Look dear friend, it sounds like you have a lot to think about with the wedding coming up and the look of the bridesmaids is important to you. Rather than give you an extra worry about me not fitting in my dress and putting me in a situation that I have to update you on intimate details of my life, let's just agree that it's best for you if I drop out. Anyway, isn't it traditional for the bride to be surrounded by unmarried virgins.. LOL!

Hopehope20 · 27/01/2018 13:44

This has outraged me! No one has the right to make you feel like that....our friends in life are our protectors....if they don't have your best interests at heart then they are not your friends. What shocking behaviour....I understand however it is not easy to just stop being friends with someone and I agree with your proposed way forward. Good luck with your TCC journey....coming from my own path...you are going to need people around you who care for you and who you trust...she is not one of those people xx

ForgivenessIsDivine · 27/01/2018 13:39

Just tell her you have thought about it and think it's better to duck out rather than carry on the conversation. Tell anyone who asks that Bridezilla decided she only wanted unmarried virgins as her bridesmaids...

Original poster
Doodlebug89 · 27/01/2018 13:34

Well, this has been a relief! I was worried I was being overly sensitive as I'm quite emotional/worried about TTC (and I've only just started, god knows what I'll be like come July!). But it sounds like everyone here would feel the same in my shoes. I think I'll attend the hen do and wedding and be polite etc to keep the peace and avoid coming across as petty, but keep my distance after the wedding Wink

OP posts:
Snipples · 27/01/2018 13:33

She sounds like a total arse. I ended up with two pregnant bridesmaids - both around 7 months at the time of the wedding, they just ordered their dresses bigger and had them taken in nearer the time and it was fine.

Nobody suddenly forgot there was a bride there just because there were a couple of bumps. This girl sounds really selfish and completely unreasonable - I'd just step down if I were you. Serves her right.

Original poster
Doodlebug89 · 27/01/2018 13:30

@afreshnewname The bridesmaids dresses are brown, she hasn't shown us her wedding dress. She wants it to be a big surprise apparently!

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 27/01/2018 13:13

She's a twat.

I certainly wouldnt hold off on trying to conceive because of her wedding.

Dippydodah · 27/01/2018 13:12

Ah here... she’s turned Bridezilla x100000... I would say don’t be a bridesmaid and find your own reason eg. work commitments in the run up to the wedding, or can’t do the hen, or something, to explain why if people ask! Or you could say, because the bride was being a total nightmare Grin

Solly76 · 27/01/2018 13:09

My sister was pregnant when she was my bridesmaid. It was no issue to me. Your friend is behaving like a self-obsessed headcase.

Bubblegum89 · 27/01/2018 13:00

It doesn’t sound at all like she just doesn’t want you to be a bridesmaid in case your dress doesn’t fit or whatever other excuses she has. It sounds like she doesn’t want you to be pregnant before she gets a chance to start ttc. A pregnant woman at your wedding also pulls attention away from you as well. I would tell your “friend” she can stick her wedding.

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 27/01/2018 13:00

I would pull out and if people asked why I wasn't a BM my response would be "oh I made a passing comment to Bride about thinking about starting a family in the not too distant future and she freaked out about potentially having a pregnant BM"

^ exactly this! It's perfect. Doesn't say you are definitely TTCand let's people know what a selfish loon she is.

rcit · 27/01/2018 12:59

Never mind being removed as a bridesmaid

You need to be removing her as a freind!

What a shit bag.

Midnightpony · 27/01/2018 12:56

It's a shitty thing for her to do but I'd be delighted if I were you. She sounds like a nightmare!

Dazedandconfuzzled · 27/01/2018 12:56

Eugh she sounds like my friend who told me she was asking her SISTER to step down as her maid of honour because she had mentioned having another baby soon. The wedding isn't till the beginning of next year.
Your friend is being very unreasonable and selfish. She has shown her true colours I'd stay well clear

Halfdrankbrew · 27/01/2018 12:55

I can't believe you put off ttc to be a bridesmaid!! Most the weddings I have been to in the past few years have included a pregnant bridesmaid or one with a teeny baby. Your life doesn't stand still just because your high maintenance friend is getting married, what a control freak.

It's quite easy to choose loose fitting dresses, in fact the ones I chose for mine were floaty around the midrif and nobody was pregnant, they were just nice dresses. It's pretty obvious your friend is more concerned about how her wedding will look than having people she cares about as bridesmaids.

As for her telling you to tell people why you now won't be bridesmaid, that's beyond wrong. That's such a private thing and you shouldn't have to share that info with anyone.

If I was you I'd lie and say I was no longer trying, if you do get pregnant and can shoe horn yourself into the dress be bridesmaid, if not by then you can tell people you couldn't wear the dress. No one needs to know your business. This is assuming you even still want to be bridesmaid?!

Wow1234 · 27/01/2018 12:54

This is the most insane thing I have ever heard. She is crazy. Not a friend!!

If I was you I would say you no longer want to be a bridesmaid and no longer want to attend the wedding!!!

AnotherShirtRuined · 27/01/2018 12:50

Lucky escape, OP, she sounds awful. Too bad you have already paid for the hen do. Any chance of pulling out and getting your money back?

missymisdemeanor · 27/01/2018 12:48

I really don't understand why you wouldn't want a pregnant bridesmaid? WTF is going on with weddings? They're supposed to be a celebration of love and commitment not a 'black mirror' style instagram opportunity.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 27/01/2018 12:43

TuttiFruttiPatutti spot on!!!

FancyNewBeesly · 27/01/2018 12:37

She's a nightmare. Lucky escape.

In fairness, I conceived mid January and by July my days were filled with people saying "ooh, any day now" based on my size, but i was having twins (you never know, could happen!). Still, that shouldn't be an issue if someone actually wants you to be their bridesmaid. It's not like there have never been any pregnant bridesmaids!

TuttiFruttiPatutti · 27/01/2018 12:36

I want to avoid awkward conversations and having to reveal that I am TTC

I would pull out and if people asked why I wasn't a BM my response would be "oh I made a passing comment to Bride about thinking about starting a family in the not too distant future and she freaked out about potentially having a pregnant BM"

Which lets face it, is pretty much what happened!!!!

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 27/01/2018 12:34

Try to think of it as her doing you a HUGE favour. It already sounds like being one of bridesmaids is going to be a nightmare. If people ask just tell them the truth, that she sacked you because you were considering ttc. Also, there's no reason at all to put off ttc now, so go and have lovely shag, immediately. Grin

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