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Original poster

Abandoned by Father

32 replies

Curlylou1 · 20/11/2017 08:06

Morning hoping for some words of wisdom. I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant last week and it’s unplanned. Was in total shock for a couple of days and then decided to tell the dad. He was as shocked as I am and I gave him a few days to absorb. At the weekend he came back and said he didn’t want a baby for personal reasons - driving a business, the affect on his current children and his personal freedom. I unfortunately cannot abort. It doesn’t feel right . We cannot agree a way forward. He thinks it’s a case of taking a pill and getting on with life. I have stood my ground and will continue too. The latest update I am getting is he will be there for the baby, but not me . There has been no compassion and kindness in our brief conversations and I am dealing with a stranger. We had lots of plans going into next year and all of these have been cancelled. I feel like I am being punished for not doing what he wants.? Am feeling alone , scared and confused. We are both in our 40’s . Has anyone experienced this. Any words would be appreciated

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Soon2BeMumTo3 · 25/12/2017 15:43

Just wanted to wish you luck and a merry Christmas. If I was you I’d leave him off the birth certificate. Not to be awful to him but once a man is controlling he will use the baby as a way of getting to you. He can’t apply for custody of a baby that he says he doesn’t want! You would be 100% fine on your own. If he wanted contact in the future then great, but only if it is positive for all involved. I hope everything works out and he stops being an ass hole difficult. Good luck for the future and may the new year bring a resolution for you xxx

Original poster
Curlylou1 · 25/12/2017 07:52

Merry Christmas everyone I wanted to add to this thread as things have changed for the better and for anyone experiencing anything similar to perhaps gain an understanding or draw from this. It’s 5 weeks 4 weeks of total hell and suddenly there has been a turnaround. We haven’t seen each other at all. I cancelled on him as felt pressurised. Strangely he seems to have come to terms with it. From total rejection first the baby and then me. He told his teenage girls their reaction was the opposite of his. I learned these blokes get scared, they run away, lash out and can’t handle the lack of control. Even the good ones. I don’t know if we will make it as a couple am still fuming, but it’s gone from horrific to positive overnight. So glad I stood my ground. Follow your heart, have faith in your own abilities and don’t be pushed into anything xxxx

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RedastheRose · 03/12/2017 00:49

Atm you should be thinking about yourself and doing whatever you need to. Don't stress about a possible future relationship when there may not be one.

Original poster
Curlylou1 · 01/12/2017 12:32

It feels like any contact is v stressful and I am happier on the days I am not communicating. Do you think it is ok just to cut him out to minimise stress? Worried about the co parenting relationship if I push him away

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Original poster
Curlylou1 · 25/11/2017 13:55

Thanks for all your advice going to step out and not make any contact which will be hard, but a lot less stressful not to have to deal with this person. It’s not helping me and I think he needs to come to terms with what’s happened. Have a great Saturday everyone ❤️

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jbee1979 · 24/11/2017 21:51

Decide what you want. I fear he'll try to keep you sweet until you have an abortion, hold your hand etc, then cut you loose. You'll have no relationship and no baby.

The alternative is take control and finish it with him yourself. Don't discuss anything baby related with him, except for: your body, your choice. I wouldn't tell him anything about your decision. You know he's manipulative and controlling - that's no environment to bring a child into.

If you keep the baby, do it for you - not with the hope of winning him back. It might be lonely, but it's a damn sight more lonely in a terrible relationship where you and your child are punished and resented ❤Flowers

VelvetKK · 24/11/2017 21:43

That would be one problem with that situation as if you disputed him not paying, they could use a DNA test but then I think that would afford the dad parental responsibility.

Could you speak to a family lawyer and use a free consultation appointment?

Original poster
Curlylou1 · 24/11/2017 21:25

Velvetkk would that mean he wouldn’t have to support is child?

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VelvetKK · 24/11/2017 21:21

I would never usually suggest leaving a fathers name off the birth certificate but if he's willing to be so vindictive and threatening, then I would seek advice on where you stand if you proceed.

He's ruined enough of this experience for you without letting him influence your decision. I would even consider cutting contact for the time being to let yourself process. Big hugs Thanks

Original poster
Curlylou1 · 24/11/2017 20:32

Velvetkk my friends are concerned that he will be a nightmare for the next 18 years. His style is to throw money at people. I was completely love bombed for the first 4 months of the relationship without realising and now he has pulled everything away because he isn’t in control or happy. Have no idea what to expect next. Sent an email telling him what I was experiencing and he said his ex had mentioned all the same characteristics when she left him. Controlling, manipulative etc. His kids are locked in they live with him and he goes overboard with the material side and they have no relationship with her at all . Worried this will happen to me

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FilledSoda · 24/11/2017 14:29

Jesus Shock I wouldn't want to co parent with him at all !
Full custody?
Who the hell does he think he is ?
If you really want a child , and at your age you should definitely consider this your last chance then have the baby but be very careful with this man. Legal advice all the way .

VelvetKK · 24/11/2017 06:51

It's no wonder you're fed up. It's a lot for you to take in and process without his twatty behaviour to add to the mix. Do you have anyone you would feel comfortable discussing this with to help you get some support other that MN and counselling?

Original poster
Curlylou1 · 24/11/2017 06:41

Thanks for the comments am so fed up

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PollytheDolly · 24/11/2017 06:23

Oh dear, red flags there OP.

Sounds like you’d be better off not in a relationship with this man. I doubt he will get full custody, I’d keep my distance from him and communicate only where necessary.

Congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers

hiyasminitsme · 24/11/2017 06:20

Don't put him on the birth certificate

VelvetKK · 24/11/2017 06:17

The only advice I would give you is to do what you want to do. It's you that has to live with your decision. I also wouldn't base your decision on what he's saying just now. Chances are he's still processing this and trying to regain control of the situation with the custody statements.

Original poster
Curlylou1 · 24/11/2017 05:04

Have decided to go ahead with this after counselling. Finding any contact with my ex really upsetting. He is an alpha male and it’s my way or the highway. He had full custody of his two daughters as his ex apparently unstable. After the last week i am wondering if this is even true. I feel unstable. On a call last night he suddenly announced he would be going for custody. On a baby he doesn’t want??? Finding him so controlling. I am wondering what co parenting would actually be like?

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RedastheRose · 22/11/2017 22:45

Imho no decent man would make the 'my love is on offer without the baby' statement. Basically blackmailing you to chose him or your child.

If you decide to terminate the pregnancy please don't do it for such a selfish man. It is your body and your choice and as pp have said may be your one and only chance to have a baby.

Also if you did terminate to keep the relationship, there is little chance of your relationship surviving int he long term. You would probably resent him for what you gave up and he may well just be saying that your relationship can continue if you do what he wants to get his own way then walk away anyway one he gets his own way.

BandhaAid · 21/11/2017 19:45

I forgot to add that, while he's within his rights to be worried and not too happy, it's a shame that he feels the need to run away, because this should be something you face together as a couple.

BandhaAid · 21/11/2017 19:44

The baby was unplanned, therefore he is within his rights to have doubts. You want the baby and he doesn't, so you need to come to a compromise. You should not feel forced into doing something you don't want to with your own body. You don't want an abortion, so you shouldn't have one. It's totally sad that at the moment you can't see eye to eye but I agree with others that you need to be the best parents you can be but perhaps not whilst in a relationship together. He may yet change his mind, of course. Good luck.

Original poster
Curlylou1 · 21/11/2017 18:08

Oh right Confused

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Justbookedasummmerholiday · 21/11/2017 17:56

Leave the bastard.

Original poster
Curlylou1 · 21/11/2017 17:50

That does LTB mean?

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Justbookedasummmerholiday · 21/11/2017 17:40

Doubtful your relationship would survive the resentment you will grow to feel for a man who pressures you to terminate.
Keep the baby and ltb.

AnnieFannie1982 · 21/11/2017 17:38

This sounds tough. As hard as it seems, and as unlikely as it might be, I would try to imagine how you might feel in the future if your relationship doesn’t work out. And similarly, if you decide you’d like to keep the baby, it shouldn’t be the end of a good relationship. All couples face unexpected and unwanted circumstances over the years, there has to be compromise and accommodation. He certainly shouldn’t be using your relationship as a bargaining tool to get you to have an abortion. Say you terminate your pregnancy and stay together, how long before something else happens that he doesn’t like? Does he threaten to leave then too?

Make your decision for you and only you, he can take it or leave it. If he’s a decent sort, he’ll show it.

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