Telling people

Yes i do try my best, shes been great tbf but she tends to bottle things up. She has 3 kids of her own its just since her mid 20s her body started to go wrong. Shes had stage 3c breast cancer (now in remission) which has messed her hormones up. She needs regular blood thinners and has to wait til january to try again (so the effects of chemo/radiotherapy have worn off completely). She has thyroid issues too. Shes certainly had her down moments, for example; i have fallen preg really quickly with my lot im so lucky. So when i fell with my youngest she lost her cool and screamed at me, And broke down. She needed a few days apart from me but its not affected our relationship as a whole. I offered to be her surrogate or egg donor if it ever god forbid came to that. Dont get me wrong shes thankful for what she has but i see the pain in her face sometimes. At first when she was diagnosed, she was told it can never happen again cos of the chemo but since her remission the docs changed their tune about it. I want it to happen for her so much. Most of my family have the ‘you have 3 kids maybe you should just be content with those you have’ attitude but she knows she can talk to me freely about it. Maybe thats what has kept us close i dunno.

Honey it’s ok. You don’t sound smug, just that you don’t know what infertility/ struggling to conceive is like... but why should you?? It’s a bit like how I have no idea what pregnancy and parenthood is like... why should I?

I do hope you are sensitive to your sister. Has she withdrawn from you at all?? It’s my self preservation mechanism...

Oh i just saw skate’s post. Im sorry i must sound smug there . I can understand sortof... my sister has ttc for over 8 years and no luck. Her husband how low sperm count and she has a sticky blood condition which has caused her to lose many babies. Its tested her marriage too at times but somehow they get through it ok.

No and tbh im put off even telling family im pregnant. Im trying for no.5 and you know the drill “dont you go having any more” “omg again???” “Isnt 4 enough?” “Are you mad!”
Why do people think they have the right to tell you how many children you can have and whats best for you

No we haven't told anyone, tbh neither of us has ever been vocal about wanting children (it never entered my head but then my hormones took over!). I don't think any of our friends expect us to have kids because of this. However we have been ttc for almost a year. I had an early miscarriage at the start of the year but kept it to ourselves (I was upset and didn't want to be asked lots of questions). I had to tell my mum for other reasons, she was stunned and thought it must have been an accident . She was great though and hasn't asked me anything since. I have friends who have made it known they are ttc and I did confide in my best friend as she is struggling too. We don't talk about it often but can if we want to. Iam now 7weeks pg but again we are staying tight lipped until we've had a scan etc. I think it's all a very private experience and I don't want to share with anyone yet. I work with the public and will only tell people when I absolutely have to. We plan to tell our families around xmas/new year if all is still ok. Good luck to all those trying x

I never told anyone we were trying to conceive. It's really rank and it puts pressure on.

I went to a wedding nearly 5 years ago and the bride was telling everyone they had started trying. Sadly they haven't been lucky yet.

A women at my work and I have suddenly become very friendly in the last few weeks. She has three kids, was taking about them... We were talking about family etc... and she'd skirted around the issue a few times, and she said something like 'does your husband not want any?' I didn't really know what to say. I wanted to shut it down but not in an unpleasant way. I find it difficult to talk about. So I said (after significant pause), ' I can't.' She was mortified. I cried. It was awful. She said something like, 'Oh I'm sorry I didn't know.'

Now, I don't know for sure that I can't, but it's nearly two years... I'm on clomid. I know it's looking less likely that it will ever happen. Not sure if I will ever be ready for anything else... but this whole ttc is ruining me now, mentally. It's ruined our sex life too.

Yeah a few of my close friends know we are TTC. It's pretty obvious - we have just bought a big house, well established in our marriage etc. (Not suggesting that people can't be TTC in other situations btw)

@physicskate I can relate so much to your post. People who haven't been through infertility and loses definitely don't understand.
I have also been on the receiving end of some hurtful and insensitive comments.

I told my boss at 7 weeks because there were some things I shouldn't handle when pregnant. Some friends we told at 10 weeks As we were going on holiday together and my morning sickness was pretty obvious. Everyone else a lot later.
I imagine it depends on how you would want to deal with a loss - privately with your partner, or with the support of family and friends. Personally I'd prefer not to have to deal with public sympathy. I'd also had a few cousins who had late miscarriages or lost newborns, so I didn't want it to be in their faces unnecessarily. But nobody should feel they HAVE to keep things quiet just in case it goes badly and other people feel awkward about their loss. Miscarriages are sadly common.

I told my sister because she's trying too. I also told another family member who proceeded to give me a lecture on why I shouldn't have a forth child, even though he has 4 by 4 different mothers. I won't be telling anyone else until I'm pregnant as I don't want anymore judgemental lectures.

I told my sister because she's trying too. I also told another family member who proceeded to give me a lecture on why I shouldn't have a forth child, even though he has 4 by 4 different mothers. I won't be telling anyone else until I'm pregnant as I don't want anymore judgemental lectures.

I told my best friend when we started ttc. She was going to start about 8 months later... she now has a baby and I don’t.

I told my parents after my second early miscarriage as I was very upset. I’ve hinted to my mother in law that things aren’t straightforward.

Infertility is a lonely and depressing existence. Telling these people (who haven’t experienced infertility) has mostly proved a slap in the face. Oh and I told my sister, and she was like ‘it’s no big deal, lots of people go through this.’ She didnt... that was probably the most hurtful thing that’s happened with all this. That and the two people I’m close to falling pregnant around the time of my two early miscarriages....

We haven't told anyone directly. Parents (especially DH's mum) have been making grandparent noises and we have said that we would like a family, but haven't said we are trying. but no, otherwise, we haven't said anything to anyone. I don't want the added pressure.

We haven't told anyone and don't intend to until we (hopefully at some point) have had a 12 week scan, i don't think I could deal with knowing everyone was wondering whether I was pregnant yet or not. Also I know you can mmc at anytime during pregnancy but if I was to mmc early I think I would deal with it better on my own than everyone knowing. I can understand why people do tell though, it can feel like quite a lonely place, I feel like ttc is the most important thing in my life right now but it's a huge secret you can't talk to anyone about.

Again, I think this is a very individual matter, but some of these very judgy comments are exactly why some women feel very isolated and like they should be ashamed when they have losses or fertility problems.

Good god no. We told everyone at 15 weeks or so.

Didn't tell a soul. Didn't tell anyone when I had my miscarriage, didn't tell anyone when we started trying again, didn't tell anyone it was a suspected ectopic. Didn't tell anyone until I was 17 weeks.

Very very pleased I didn't. We got pregnant quickly, but I can't imagine how difficult it must be if people know and you struggle.

Some people have told us, fair enough, that's their choice but both are now struggling (having tests etc) they like they can talk to us about the tests but there was a large awkward storage where we didn't ask and they didn't talk about it.

No.
No way.

@LisaSimpsonsbff sorry just curious I am 30 also and I know age sometimes plays a part in this.

I've had full recurrent loss testing, and also NK cell testing at the special Coventry clinic - completely normal on all fronts. I'm 30.

@LisaSimpsonsbff I hope you don’t mind me asking and I’m guessing you have have you had all your hormones checked and AMH? and out of curiosity you don’t have to answer how old are you?

I think this, like so many other TTC and emotions things, has no one right answer, it depends on your own outlook and temperament. I did tell two very, very close friends when I started trying and I'm glad I did - TTC can be stressful, and it's nice having someone other than your partner to chat to if it's getting you down. I told another very small handful of people (including my parents) after we started having losses (three so far). Sometimes I do regret that because obviously those people know we were going to try again and it's not nice to get sad faces when I have a drink, etc. But overall for me personally - I'm not dictating what anyone else should do - I'm glad I've shared with very close friends. We've been TTCing for nearly 18 months now and it's been a huge part of my life and emotions over that time, so it felt natural to talk about it sometimes.

Most people neither want nor need to know that you're having lots of unprotected sex, frankly.

The only point at which I want someone other than my husband to know is the point at which we have a viable 12-week pregnancy.

Nope didn’t tell anyone first time. DS is 15 months and people have been asking since he was about 6 months when we’ll have another! Now that we are thinking about ttc again I’m still not telling anyone. Mostly because I’m still BFing and don’t have my cycles back so it may be months yet before I’m even capable of it. Couldn’t deal with the questions really.