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Original poster

To give up my job to focus on IVF?

35 replies

TheEdgeOfNowhere · 05/10/2017 23:01

I've been working in a male-dominated industry for nearly two decades now. Three years ago, I moved from a role (within the same company) where I got an 'outstanding' appraisal to my current role. I didn't quite realise at that point who the people I'd be working for are. Basically, they are people who want you to do everything perfect (and heaven help you if you don't), but if they had to do what you have to do, they make myriads of mistakes they suddenly care little about. The money is good – about 60k – but it seriously plays with my sanity now.

There was already one other woman with my current job title who moved sideways in the company to avoid this team (really!) and did so in tears. Unfortunately, I can't do the same thing as she's in a completely different location/country to me where there are more options. Surprise, surprise... now, they're complaining about me and my performance. They want me to constantly move it up a notch, learn more things, etc. – which is unsustainable, and if I don't, there may be a disciplinary thing in future. But the thing is I physically can't.

What they don't know is that I've gone through several rounds of unsuccessful IVF over the past two years. I've also had a cancer scare. I've been scheduling my 'holidays' (read: IVF treatment and cancer check-ups) around my workload. Everything came second after my work, when my actual health and wellbeing should have come first. Of course, you never tell anyone at work that.

A friend of mine told me that one of her colleagues in a similar industry actually had to give up her job to concentrate on IVF. I feel that if I'm as stressed as I am now, it will never work. I'm soon going to turn 39 and time is running out.

I really am thinking of resigning and DH supports my decision fully. He's pissed off that I put my health and our ability to have children at risk because of my work. But it does mean I lose a well-paid job and it will likely mean 'goodbye career' – it's difficult to get back into the saddle in this industry after you do have kids.

What annoys me is that my company is spending loads on creating women's clubs and events, etc. All to encourage more women to stay in work (because there are so few, we actually have less bathrooms for women than for men). And yet, they never think about WHY women may give up their jobs.

OP posts:
yorkshireyummymummy · 06/10/2017 00:27

I'm no expert but this sounds like very unfair workplace bullying.
It's compounded by the fact that you have been using your annual leave to go for important medical appointments and you seem too - scared? Worried? - to tell your bosses about your health problems.
Are you in a union?
Personally I would be going on the sick, seeing my doctor and getting some workplace legal advice. It sounds utterly dreadful and for what you are expected to do the salary isnt brilliant.
If your husband is supportive ( and he sounds like he is. How lovely) then get the hell out of there and de stress so you can have your baby. Don't put your career first.
A career matters not one jot in the grand scheme of things. Six months after you leave they will have forgotten your name. You can devote your whole life to your career but who has that on their gravestone?? No one. They say, beloved wife, beloved mother.
If you really need to work then get a part time job doing something you enjoy or do some volunteering.
You need to have se de stressed time to mend your mind and body so you can get pregnant.
You are a clever woman- you know what you need to do.
Now set your alarm, and phone in sick tomorrow!
I wish you so much luck and hope hope hope this time next year you have or are having a bundle of joy X

Original poster
TheEdgeOfNowhere · 06/10/2017 00:11

OlennasWimple It's not that easy for me. The only other jobs in my field are to be found in London (the City). The company I work for isn't. We moved out of London years ago to be in car commuting distance to my DH's workplace (the town had no train station!). I had a really long commute to London back then (up to 2 hours each way), which prompted the move to my current company about 6 years ago.

The idea was always for me to work until we could afford to live on my DH's salary, after which I would follow my heart and do what I actually want to do (which resulted in more money than what I earn for some of my friends who did exactly what I want to do, but it's a hard industry to break into... took some of my friends years to be a success).

OP posts:
Original poster
TheEdgeOfNowhere · 05/10/2017 23:58

NeonMist One of my colleagues got an arrangement like that but she was working with a different team. My company is a difficult place although on the surface it looks almost idyllic – the Glassdoor reviews are quite telling. Another colleague took several weeks stress leave over the past few years (once, nearly two months). What happened was... people talked behind her back about how bad it was for her to do that. They never thought about the WHY. I don't think unpaid leave is really an option because people will b*tch behind my back.

KenBarlow That's what I have been thinking, too. DH and I were already contemplating moving to another country in the next two years anyway, where living costs are lower than in the UK. This may just speed things up a little.

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 05/10/2017 23:55

I would be looking for another job, rather than quitting

The pressure you would be putting on yourself would be immense ("I gave up my job in order to get pregnant"), and having a baby isn't exactly cheap.

KenBarlow · 05/10/2017 23:39

I don't think stress is worth it, especially if it's that bad someone left crying.

We have one life, and while it's important to be earning etc I think family and simply being happy is always more important.
Getting severely stressed over a job is never worth it unless it's your passion.

Do what is right for your health and your chance to start a family, every time.

On your death bed you will not lay there and think "those years working under immense stress were worth it"

NeonMist · 05/10/2017 23:29

It sounds like a highly unhealthy environment if you feel that you couldn't even discuss your cancer scare with your line manager. By law they're obliged to support you to take time off for medical appointments (I'm talking about your previous cancer appts). I understand that it's more complicated to discuss taking time off for ivf - as someone said above, a career break, or unpaid leave, might be a less risky option? A friend works in a male-dominated job in the city, and she has managed to keep her job and have two children, and has negotiated to work only 4 days a week.

Original poster
TheEdgeOfNowhere · 05/10/2017 23:17

stillvicarinatutu I would love a career break, and that's how I would 'style' this. But the problem is: getting back in the saddle again. It's difficult in this industry.

paq It IS dysfunctional. Some of my colleagues and I still don't know how it can be such a big name in the UK and yet, on the inside, it's years behind other companies I have worked for.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/10/2017 23:12

Can't you get a different job?

paq · 05/10/2017 23:08

It’s really hard to advise what’s right for you. I moved from a high pressure job to a much more junior role when I had ivf and while I never regret my DD of course 10 years later my career is shit and I am fed up about it. What do you do if you don’t have a baby?

Regardless of the ivf your workplace sounds disfunctional.

stillvicarinatutu · 05/10/2017 23:04

can you have a career break?