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Original poster

To give up my job to focus on IVF?

35 replies

TheEdgeOfNowhere · 05/10/2017 23:01

I've been working in a male-dominated industry for nearly two decades now. Three years ago, I moved from a role (within the same company) where I got an 'outstanding' appraisal to my current role. I didn't quite realise at that point who the people I'd be working for are. Basically, they are people who want you to do everything perfect (and heaven help you if you don't), but if they had to do what you have to do, they make myriads of mistakes they suddenly care little about. The money is good – about 60k – but it seriously plays with my sanity now.

There was already one other woman with my current job title who moved sideways in the company to avoid this team (really!) and did so in tears. Unfortunately, I can't do the same thing as she's in a completely different location/country to me where there are more options. Surprise, surprise... now, they're complaining about me and my performance. They want me to constantly move it up a notch, learn more things, etc. – which is unsustainable, and if I don't, there may be a disciplinary thing in future. But the thing is I physically can't.

What they don't know is that I've gone through several rounds of unsuccessful IVF over the past two years. I've also had a cancer scare. I've been scheduling my 'holidays' (read: IVF treatment and cancer check-ups) around my workload. Everything came second after my work, when my actual health and wellbeing should have come first. Of course, you never tell anyone at work that.

A friend of mine told me that one of her colleagues in a similar industry actually had to give up her job to concentrate on IVF. I feel that if I'm as stressed as I am now, it will never work. I'm soon going to turn 39 and time is running out.

I really am thinking of resigning and DH supports my decision fully. He's pissed off that I put my health and our ability to have children at risk because of my work. But it does mean I lose a well-paid job and it will likely mean 'goodbye career' – it's difficult to get back into the saddle in this industry after you do have kids.

What annoys me is that my company is spending loads on creating women's clubs and events, etc. All to encourage more women to stay in work (because there are so few, we actually have less bathrooms for women than for men). And yet, they never think about WHY women may give up their jobs.

OP posts:
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Monkeypuzzle32 · 08/10/2017 20:56

I add trying to get hold of someone to speak to about it is another matter and if you have a manager who doesn't care or understand then it's really difficult

Monkeypuzzle32 · 08/10/2017 20:55

I did eventually to Occ health who put me on reduced hours so I could go to appointments and be more relaxed-I know where I work can allow you up to two weeks off or unpaid (can't remember which) for ivf

Original poster
TheEdgeOfNowhere · 08/10/2017 18:47

No policies.

Has anyone actually disclosed IVF to their employer? In the US, some employers actually have fertility benefits! And 15 states apparently enshrined fertility into insurance companies, i.e. they have to provide it.

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Monkeypuzzle32 · 07/10/2017 07:42

Does your workplace have a policy on ivf treatment? I think they should do-if they won't give you some leeway during treatment then it might be worth negotiating your leave terms if that's doable in your industry? The job sounds bloody awful, don't waste your years you could be trying to get pregnant there, it's stressful enough having ivf without having to hide it-I know because I hid it and it muddles your head so it's difficult to think straight, however you do it-leave and try and build up what you want to do because I'm assuming your new career will be child friendly? Your current one really isn't.

Graceflorrick · 07/10/2017 07:30

Irrespective of the IVF you need to leave that job. Life is short, this is not a good use of your life.

Foreverretro · 07/10/2017 07:26

I'd say yes definitely time to prioritise yourself, your body and your family.

Nobody needs a job that leaves them anxious and in tears. These people don't respect you at all otherwise there wouldn't even be an issue.

I know you say it is giving up a career but there are always ways back in. Yes it will be tough and it may take a few years but there will be things you can do after having a baby to get yourself back on the ladder.

Best of luck with what you decide to do, hopefully the masses of support and encouragement on here will be what you needed! xx

PerspicaciaTick · 07/10/2017 02:03

You want to leave. Your DH wants you to leave. Why are you asking permission on MN? Just leave and find a new way to enjoy your life without these parasites sucking the life out of you.

NeonMist · 07/10/2017 01:14

TheEdge you have severe stress symptoms, and it seems that the work culture is pervasive and can't be easily changed (the company's external image seems to be just a glossy facade).The impact on your mental health is non-negotiable regardless of your ivf plans. You indicated that you have some alternative plans of building up something more fulfilling out of a hobby? Sounds interesting! I hope that you succeed in becoming a mother, as that's what you want, but being passionate about something beside the kid, be it work or a hobby is important!

Notonthestairs · 06/10/2017 18:05

I think you need space from work to think about your options clearly. Your anxiety sounds awful. It doesn't sound like you've had a holiday this year - any chance you can book an extended time off or a sabbatical?

Before starting the rollercoaster of ivf again I think you need some rest.

I had ivf whilst having a demanding job but I was very bullish about it and people followed my lead. I also didn't care about people said about me. However I had a clearly defined roll which I was able to stay on top of - that's not the same for you given what sounds like ever increasing demands.

peachesarenom · 06/10/2017 17:57

It's ok to quit! Quit! You can handle anything that might happen due to you quitting.

KenBarlow · 06/10/2017 16:32

It doesn’t sound like it would be unreasonable for you to be off sick OP, people don’t take their health seriously enough. It isn’t ok to be crying and shaking with stress from work, no job is worth that.

Lily2007 · 06/10/2017 15:02

I would get signed off with anxiety as you don't sound well enough to be at work, you need to be looking after you. That may also force a solution one way or another.

Bearsonstairs · 06/10/2017 14:51

I'm really sorry to hear that. It does sound like you need to see your GP about that - maybe some time away from work would help you decide what you want to do both about the IVF and your career. Sending positive thoughts.

I moved from an extremely stressful job (had got that way -didn't start out so bad) and am so pleased I did. Hubby says I'm like a different person in the evenings!

Original poster
TheEdgeOfNowhere · 06/10/2017 14:07

When I say anxiety – crying, shaking hands, insomnia... check, check, check.

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Original poster
TheEdgeOfNowhere · 06/10/2017 14:06

Bearsonstairs I am actually suffering from anxiety. As I said, our current HR manager is useless. In my experience, there are two types of people in HR: those who actually care about people and those who are just a mouthpiece of management. Due to lines of reporting / seniority the latter seems to be more common.

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Bearsonstairs · 06/10/2017 14:01

I'm a bit disturbed to see the people advocating just 'going on sick leave'. It's people abusing the system that makes it more difficult for those with anxiety or depression or other conditions who really need to be away from work.

I agree with those who say that trying to stop work entirely for IVF is a mistake. A career break or sabbatical could be a good option - they have to let you come back, even if you think it would looked down on. Getting some HR advice is also a good idea - they might have some other solutions. I wonder if you have a mentor? If not, maybe there are some senior women in your industry you could go and talk to get some more specific advice and support?

Although there's a definite link between stress and struggles to conceive, don't give up on the job entirely until you've tried some other options! And good luck with your IVF x

Original poster
TheEdgeOfNowhere · 06/10/2017 13:59

P.S.: In my previous team, if you worked weekends / evenings, you could claim the hours back. In this team, they think you should work overtime without being able to do that... and actually look down on the “progressive” working practices of my old team.

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Original poster
TheEdgeOfNowhere · 06/10/2017 13:56

Oh... and yeah, said HR woman said something about work hours like “we’re flexible but not that flexible”. And that was just about coming in at 9.30 a few times a month rather than 9.00am – even if over the week you would still work your contracted hours. That even though sometimes, I work on a Sunday from home (when a request comes in to get something done by Monday AM and it’s Friday PM and I can’t drop everything else that day).

A colleague I talked to said the HR manager was talking BS really. Yeah, so I doubt I could do reduced hours / unpaid leave.

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Original poster
TheEdgeOfNowhere · 06/10/2017 13:47

Liy2006 Our precious HR manager was great. The current one is on the side of the manager before I even met her.

Did a quick survey of people I know – most of them think HR always takes the side of the manager apart from the few gems.

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Lily2007 · 06/10/2017 11:31

Why don't you explain the situation to HR? See if they can think of a solution? I would be tempted to do say reduce hours / take unpaid leave rather than resign.

My SIL did resign to do IVF at a similar age had 2 years off and on about 5th attempt got donor IVF to work at 42 or so. She then got another job but was in accountancy so relatively easy to find jobs.

May even be worth telling your boss if its that or resigning, he may just surprise you though I would go with HR first as a safety net. I told my manager when I was doing IVF and he couldn't have been more supportive even offered me extra holidays but was public sector.

KenBarlow · 06/10/2017 11:19

If you can afford to live on your husbands wage while you set up your business that you’d love to do then I’d say go for it.

If you’re experienced enough and ready to go down that path then why wait? It might be better to get that set up before a baby arrives anyway!

Original poster
TheEdgeOfNowhere · 06/10/2017 07:35

Tiramisu I wouldn’t be putting everything on hold for IVF... I’d basically do something I wanted to do since... like... forever. You can call it ‘retraining’, or more... spending time doing a life-long hobby that some of my friends have turned into their profession (earning more than me).

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DrRisotto · 06/10/2017 07:32

Your DH is pissed off that you (hypothetically) put you health and ability to have children at risk because of work??? That's a bizarre assumption!

Leave your job if you want, it sounds shit. But don't think that focusing on IVF is actually going to improve your chances or that it won't drive you crazy. You surely know how soul destroying it can be, how would you be without the distraction of occupation?

TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries · 06/10/2017 07:26

Where will quitting leave you if IVF doesn't work out for you and you end up 3 years later still at home? Are you sure that the best thing for your mental health would be sitting at home with absolutely nothing to think about other than whether the IVF is working or not?

You obviously need out of this specific job, but i think you need to make a longer term career plan about switching fields/locations/retraining etc rather than just quit. If you can afford to do IVF and not work, then perhaps you can afford to quit work and retrain? In the meantime, why not go on long term sick anyway since you're pretty much done with this job? If you don't want to stay with the company it really doesn't matter what they think of you.

Even when you aren't having fertility issues, putting everything on hold to focus on getting pregnant leads to immense pressure and mental stress. I do think it's worth continuing to make plans and move forward with other areas of your life.

KarateKitten · 06/10/2017 00:35

Hard to know. I don't think your work life sounds good regardless of IVF so I'd get job hunting now.

I've a friend who gave up work to focus on IVF. 3 yrs of failed attempts and sitting around at home knowing that she should have been at home to look after her baby, not sit waiting for the next round, made her utterly and extra miserable. I advised her strongly to take a job offer she had although she was afraid IVF would work and she'd have to quit after only starting. I said fuck that, you can quit anytime you want eve if it's after s week but it's killing you sitting around waiting for IVF to work. But she took the job and got pregnant shortly after and now 5 yrs later is still working in that job but as a mum to two lovely boys. Shockingly (to herself) she didn't want to give it up and be a SAHM in the end.

I don't think it's healthy to put life on hold for IVF as life being on hold amplifies that it hasn't happened yet. But your job doesn't sound like it's good either so honestly I'd try to move jobs as a separate issue to the IVF.