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Original poster

TTC after recurrent miscarriage

984 replies

LisaSimpsonsbff · 10/09/2017 11:48

Hi, just wondering if anyone else was in a similar place to me and wanted to chat about it? I'm 30, TTC my first and have had three miscarriages, all early (two natural MCs at five weeks, then a MMC where a scan at 6+5 revealed development had again stopped at 5 weeks). I've had RMC tests and am just waiting on the results of that but hoping to be able to TTC again from my next period, which should come any day now. I've found throughout the whole thing (have been TTC just over a year now) that it's really helped me to chat with people in similar positions, so if anyone wants to be TTC buddies please let me know!

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BertieBotts · 16/10/2017 13:17

Yes DS is fully bilingual. I can make basic conversation but that's about as far as it goes. It's not great when we've been here for four years! But I have found a class I think is affordable, after Christmas, anyway.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/10/2017 11:56

Okay Smile

Your plans sound good. How is your German now? Is your son fully bilingual?

BertieBotts · 16/10/2017 11:46

No I don't feel down :) Just focusing on other things.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/10/2017 11:44

Lisa, thank you for this thread. I agree, there are different issues when you've had a run of losses. It's nice to be looking forward together as well, there's lots of great support elsewhere for people in the middle of the physical/medical trauma of the actual loss.

Hope the wedding was fun keepon, despite people sticking their noses in. Good for DH letting it all out as well!

I know what you mean about not taking at face value people's protestations about children anymore. I have one friend who genuinely loathes babies/children/pregnancy and has never wanted any of it in her life. And one of my brothers seems to be choosing not to have children with his wife. But I now know people I used to think were anti babies were trying and having a shit time of it. So I don't assume people are lying, that wouldn't be fair, but keeping an open mind I suppose? What do you say when people ask?

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/10/2017 11:37

I think it's okay to loosen up a bit on temping, timing etc Bertie, if only because you know you're ovulating, your cycle seems to be reliable, you're in good health, have nothing to prove, and it's healthy to give your head a rest.

Are you feeling down about things or just more relaxed about things?

AF has had marked differences this time, may or may not be connected with the acupuncture. Much much less pain, heavy but manageable and liquidy with no chunks. Boobs went back to normal the day I started, no massive bloating, hardly any back ache. I took 3 doses of pills between Friday night and this morning and didn't really need one of them. It's normally 3 doses a day plus extra paracetamol if I need it.

How's everyone?

FoxtrotSkarloey · 15/10/2017 18:26

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FoxtrotSkarloey · 15/10/2017 18:24

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keeponrunning85 · 15/10/2017 16:14

I don't think that's a bad thing Bertie. Just good old DTD.

Lisa I don't think you need to worry about people viewing it as a rival group. I agree that there are different issues once you enter the world of recurrent losses and I certainly felt like I didn't quite fit in the other group. I've become a bit too cynical maybe!

We went to a wedding yesterday. We didn't know anyone else particularly well, so had lots of the inevitable do you have/would you like children questions. There was a couple on our table without children who were quite vocal about not wanting any. They may well not want any, but I did find myself wondering if that's just what they say. DH had a drunken heart to heart with someone he had met once before! He found me and declared that he had told him all about our issues. It doesn't bother me and I hope it was cathartic for him as he doesn't talk to friends about it much. And the other guy was equally smashed so I doubt he'll remember it anyway!

BertieBotts · 14/10/2017 19:53

Apparently I've given up caring about timings now - I ovulated some time and I'll be due some time this week but I didn't even remember to buy a test at the supermarket and I kind of... don't care? I just feel like it doesn't make sense to test and hope and wonder all the time, I'll know if my period comes and I'll know if it doesn't. I might stop temping. I haven't bothered for a few weeks anyway and I already know that I'm ovulating regularly, so I suppose I don't really need to that much?

Just live life and if a baby comes along then we'll fit it around whatever else is happening.

DH was looking at this holiday resort he wants to go to next year and I was thinking about the saunas, hot tubs, water slides etc and vaguely wondering if I'd be able to go on them or not but that's about it for now. Just feeling very meh about the whole thing really.

I'll probably test if I plan to get bladdered like at my cousin's birthday next month but I'll have a few glasses of wine tonight - it's never stopped me from getting pregnant before!

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/10/2017 14:25

Sorry got yours too lisa, but given its come you're right it's good it hasn't been delayed by the progesterone. Hope you're doing okay.

Despite feeling okay, I bawled before, during and after my acupuncture this morning. Sobbed. Nothing particular in my head while it was happening but I guess it just needed to come out.

Having a gentle day doing laundry, watching tv and going to make a nice meal for the DSC later. So tired.

Original poster
LisaSimpsonsbff · 14/10/2017 09:25

Really sorry about AF, anne - glad you're feeling ok, but do let yourself be sad if you want to. I hope you've got nice things planned for the weekend. Mine came last night too - was pleased, as it means the progesterone only delayed it by a day.

Hi, greyclouds - I'm really sorry for your losses but it's good to hear from someone who gets the job/baby problems that fixed term academic contracts cause. I'm sorry you don't have anything to go to next, and hope something comes up for you soon. What sort of field are you in? Is industry an option for you? It's not for me - I have thought about giving up on the hope of an academic career, but I think it would mean significant retraining and I'm not really at a point where I want to do that either.

By the way, just because a couple of people have mentioned there being two threads, I just wanted to say that I didn't set this one up as a rival! I just felt that there were some issues specific to recurrent miscarriage that it would be nice to have a space for. I don't post on both, but I assume lots of people do?

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GreyCloudsToday · 13/10/2017 16:32

Hi Lisa I'm an academic researcher, and also suffered 3mcs (but I'm on the other TTC after mc thread). Just wanted to say I truly understand the job / baby fear and how hard the whole scheduling thing is with fixed term contracts. I'm about to leave a post with nothing to go to as I was pregnant at the 'right time' (but mc of course). Nightmare emotional load!

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/10/2017 16:17

Af is making an appearance a day early.

Feeling pretty okay about it. I have another month to get my head in a good place and to let myself rest and mend.

Back to my paint charts Smile

And I got a free pumpkin today. One of the perks of village life.

ScaryDuck · 13/10/2017 11:40

It's so hard isn't it? I started TTC 2 years ago and if I'd known I still wouldn't have a baby I would definitely have changed jobs. But I've held off so I can get maternity pay, 3 times now. It's so depressing, because each time I've been pregnant I've done the whole planning how I won't be there to deal with this project and that project in 8 months time. but I'm still there, there's no escape! I don't hate my job, I just want to move on.

I've kind of accepted that I'm just staying still for another 2 years and either I will by then have the baby or will give up completely and make a new life.

Lisa hope you can work things out somehow, nice to know that you can always move in with your parents though!!

BertieBotts · 13/10/2017 09:52

I've been doing career planning stuff too this week which is quite exciting. I'd been feeling a bit lost over the last year or so but now I have a direction - or indeed two directions, based on whether we stay in Germany or come back to the UK. And plans! So I'm going to enrol in a German course probably in the new year and try to get my German up to the level to do a high school qualification here.

keeponrunning85 · 13/10/2017 09:40

That does sound tricky Lisa. The opportunity to go to the U.S. sounds very exciting. This may be a stupid question, but have you thoroughly checked your company's maternity leave policy? I only say because we've had similar dilemmas about taking a(nother) break from TTC due to my job. I'm due to finish my training next August and will need to get a consultant job and was worried about if potential due dates, qualifying for pay etc. Anyway, the long and the short of it is that if I am 29 weeks or more at the end of my contract it would be extended and I'd be entitled to maternity leave and pay. Obviously the NHS is a large organisation so I appreciate this may not be the same everywhere but might be worth a gander? We had decided that carrying on trying was the priority regardless but finding that out has taken one weight off my mind at least.

Anne I'm so glad you had a good evening last night.

Original poster
LisaSimpsonsbff · 13/10/2017 09:32

Thanks foxtrot - I know you're right we should put it on paper but I think we're too scared. We've talked it half to death, and I think we're both too scared to admit that it would be a bit of disaster and we would really struggle financially, and that we really ought to stop trying after January, but neither of us can face that; I'm crying thinking about it now. We're both so terrified that we'll never have a baby, and the thought of deliberately putting ourselves through the uncertainty for another year or two is so upsetting. I swing wildly between 'we're being incredibly irresponsible and should face reality' and 'but we would find a way to cope, and if we wait another couple of years and it never happens I will always, always blame myself for that'. It's made harder because it's not certain everything would work out for me career-wise even if we did stop trying. I'm an academic and there's always a percentage of people who never get a permanent job and I'm an ok but not stellar candidate. I imagine a future where I have no baby but also no job and feel like I gave up for something that never happened.

I did talk to my mum about it - her response was that if I have a baby but not a job and we're in real financial difficulties we should just move in with her and dad, which was kind, but!

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AnneLovesGilbert · 13/10/2017 00:18

There have been some nice things about mc awareness on fb this week. Sadly too many people I know have been there but shining a gentle light on it seems to help them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/10/2017 00:17

So happy for you water, what lovely news. I did a little dance in my head. Hope you're feeling well and positive x

lisa, I second what foxtrot says, worth putting stiff down on paper.

More tomorrow. I've been out at a gig! On a school night! It was awesome. I had a drink, I sang my heart out. I'm now shattered but happy and turning in.

Waterfeature · 12/10/2017 23:46

Miami. What can an internet stranger possibly say to bring you any comfort at all...? Just that I am more sorry than words can express for the loss of your precious girl.

FoxtrotSkarloey · 12/10/2017 23:11

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Original poster
LisaSimpsonsbff · 12/10/2017 20:48

Sorry, that was an epic post - please don't anyone feel like they have to wade through it!

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Original poster
LisaSimpsonsbff · 12/10/2017 20:47

I actually found it really cheering and encouraging to hear both you and Anne's non-baby planning, flynn - it doesn't mean giving up hope at all, just thinking about other things.

I try really hard to do that with work - to not pass anything up because of TTC because it's too shit when you do that and then you're not pregnant (I sort of have the opposite of that at the moment - I have to do something in January that I don't want to do and which I agreed to thinking 'haha, I will actually be on maternity leave then so someone else will have to do it!'). I'm applying at the moment to go to the US on a three-month fellowship in 2019 - obviously I'm desperately hoping I have a baby by then and I wouldn't go if I did, but the lead time for the applications is so long that I can't not try.

There is a big looming problem with work and TTC, and that makes me worry a lot. I'm on a three-year contract, which runs out in March 2019 (the idea of the fellowship is it would extend that to June). We're getting quite near the point where if I conceived and carried to term I'd still be on mat leave when the contract ended. I worry that we couldn't afford that, and also that it would be really hard to come back from to get another job. When we started TTC we said that if I wasn't pregnant in 18 months then we'd stop trying for a while until I'd found a new job because of this problem - but obviously that was hypothetical, and I was 29 and had spent my entire adult life terrified of accidental pregnancy so I never really thought it would take us 18 months. We've both agreed that we don't feel like stopping trying is an option for us emotionally, but I am terrified about what we'll do financially if I don't have a job. I know I have to just cross that bridge when if we come to it, but it keeps me awake at night. It's just another thing that feels so desperately unfair - I feel like I had a fairly sensible plan (it's not like my friend - who I am incredibly bitter about - who gave herself a two month window to get pregnant and then got pregnant first go and is now about to give birth) and life just laughed at it.

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BertieBotts · 12/10/2017 20:21

Oh congratulations Water :) Hope everything goes well for you.

🕯 For Miami and family

Waterfeature · 12/10/2017 19:52

Hi all! I haven’t posted on this thread before but there seem to be two “TTC after miscarriage” threads now so I’m just popping in to say hello. I’ve had 2 miscarriages after several easy pregnancies and just wanted one final fling at the ripe old age of 45!

I’m pregnant... for now. Trying not to get too excited as I know the odds aren’t great. Just sharing the news because I have felt really encouraged by others’ good news on here.

Will catch up on thread later.

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