TTC after miscarriage- March 2007

just a quickie as dashing off to yoga in an attempt to regain some sanity-- mrsmc glad you're back and hope the tests were ok. please do let us know

myfirst- so sorry to hear about your mc and the circumstances, how awful for you to be on your own but what a wonderful Dh to rush straight back. Did have to laugh about your colleagues though - your office sounds great!! far mre exciting than hear where evryone just moans about each other.

Wow - you've been chatty! sorry I haven't posted for a couple of days. Had to work hard yesterday and today has been all about medical tests - more on that later. I'll try and catch up, just wanted you to know that I am here Hope everyone is doing well?

hello popsy yes, have a fabulous and very supportive dh. am very very lucky to have him. poor dh, he'd just left for a much awaited and planned for ice climbing trip in norway in the morning and i m/c in a walk-in surgery toilet in the evening. he'd just arrived and driven all the way to the base camp, about to sleep when i rang. drove all the way to airport again and flew back. he's sad about losing the baby but i think he's more sad for me IYKWIM? even though i love him to bits, it's nice to have girlfriends that you can natter with. i miss work colleagues and now could appreciate how going to work and have something else to focus could help. i just mope about at home in between doing bits of work. i do go into an office in london to do a bit of work occasionally. problem is there's only 4 of them in the office and they are all gay!!! there's only that much i can hear about their sex life!

i have thought about joining a club. tried book club once, was a disaster

herby- I love am dram! I'm very impressed, I would be more crap dram. Cringing reading your story, how utterly embarrassing for you. Do they really think you would be that upset by losing a part?? Last week my boss thought i was crying because I was working too slowly !!??

myfirstbaby- I've had comments about how people fall pg easily after mc. I swing between finding it positive and encouraging and badly wanting to believe it will apply to me, and then finding it just puts so much pressure on and no one can guarantee anything. Tough tough times for us. Working in an office might bring you into contact with more people, but if its anything like my office, I wouldn't say new friend potential has increased (oh I'm so picky!), so perhaps making up with friend is a good idea. Still, being an old witch could be fun!

basil- love the post- hummus homebirth dreams sound fab- although slightly scared by your placental abruption- sounds awful! love love your music colection,, I was so pleased when they re-released 500miles.. my DH (a Scots man at that) was not. He wouldn't let us have it at our wedding would you believe!

Hi myfirst hmm maybe wait and think about what you want to get out of this friendship before you invest alot of emotion and energy into rekindling it. You could just send a letter to make yourself feel better but understand that the relationship may not have been the healthiest to begin with
Defo time to get yourself out there - if working from home is so important to do some hobby or something to interact and make lovley friends and they really are the support you need. I bet there is something you have done/always wanted to do that you could look into - then you can use the shit MC as a positive spring board into getting out and meeting people again (do you have a dh/dp?)
xxxxxx

torres perhaps not too late... things hasn't been too rosy between us for awhile before my m/c. i rang her the next morning after m/c and bawled my eyes out on the phone. she was very sympathetic and then told me about all her friends back home that suffered the same fate and got pg again. strangely enough it made me feel worse. prob because ive been ttc for 8mths before hitting the jackpot and already almost 41. she and her friends are much younger than me. i suppose i feel pressure as time is not on my side. i lost my job 3 years ago and am now working from home. quite happy with what i'm doing but the big problem is that i don't get to go out much. so slim chance of making new friends. don't want to be a sad miserable witch in my old age so i guess i will try to make it up to her at some point.

I'm in a slightly eccentric am dram group. Last October, auditions were going on for the Christmas show, and I didn't get a part. I really wasn't bothered, but everyone kept saying 'are you alright? Are you sure? Etc etc', until I burst into tears. They all thought it was because I was a primadonna who didn't get to sing a solo, but in fact it was because I'd just had last September's miscarriage, and was fragile. I had to find someone to explain to. All a bit embarrassing.

Incredibly trivial midst the drama but have posted a profile now if any of you are interested in my riveting life...

Going to find a cooking thread now in detirmined effort to stop thinking about ovaries....DH's birthday party this weekend and need some nibble inspiration

myfirstbaby- hello! and sorry to hear how things have gone with your friend. I am extremely stubborn and can easily see myself cutting her out in my current self righteous mode as she's hurt me.. but have calmed down a little, and agree with your advice. She's still going to be pg and have a baby, she's still going to have fun and be friends with all my other friends and I am just going to end up exploding with anger and self pity. It does bloody hurt though doesn't it? and the thoughts of 'its so unfair' keep spinning round my head. I think an email (with much re-reading) is the way to go.

Are you sure its really too late with your friendship?

torres I agree - me and friend were having a lovley drink and she just said "it is okay to be sad" and I just burst into floods but couldn't explain just how that one little phrase encompassed so much about how i felt - as I often felt it was not okay to be sad and that I could only really do that at home cos if i was openly sad in RL days i would just be a snivelling mess and sectionned within minutes!LOVE the boss image - you could start using it as a get out clause for other difficult situations like having to be at work on time and not spending all day MNing ha ha (you could also put a box of tampax on your desk and start really howling if uit gets very bad)

popsy- thank you for that email- I might just cut and paste . I totally agree with the bit about being kept informed- its far far more stressful to let our minds start imagining stuff and feeling left out, which is why i got so wound up with my friends. Also the bit about the mc spoiling a lovely time in your friendship really hit home.

I'm actually laughing about the appraisal. It's odd how even when you are really down you can often find some black humour. Anyway, my boss hasn't come back to do my appraisal. He has literally been tiptoeing around the office sneaking peeks in my direction. I am quite enjoying waving my tissue box and watching him look the other way!! very very sorry you can't afford a jaunt to malawi

herby- I agree totally with you. It can be the oddest and slightest thing that sets me off even if i have just dealt with much tougher stuff. Then of course RL friends tend to look really puzzled that something so minor produced such an emotional response and then give each other that 'oh dear, here she goes again' look which makes it much much worse in my opinion.

thanks myfirst was just sitting here regretting sharing must learn not to dive straight in! Maybe you can send a letter to your friend too. Could take your time planning it - to be fair if the relationship is ruined then the letter won't matter but it may help her see how you have been feeling and help you find each other again? You will also feel a massive weight off your shoulders just having done something "good"

popsy great email. wish i had the courage and sense of mind to do that...

torres definitely think you should patch up. after my m/c, i couldn't make myself ring and talk to my bestfriend who is also pg. it was too heartbreaking for me and i find it very painful to ask how baby doing etc whilst wishing that i was still pg. i hate myself for being this way-so unlike me to be ungenerous. but it hurts bloody too much! unfortunately i've let situation with my b/friend deteriorated so badly that it might be beyond repair. don't make the same mistake.

basil i will raise a gordons gin if you raise a wee dram
Torres - here is my email so you can see how i tried to do it (poor you r.e. appraisal but did make me chuckle bloody bosses eh?) and I am skint - going to have to scrap the plan for a madonna/angelina malawian baby at this rate

email:
I love getting your messages but I end up taunting myself with
images of big tummies and baby paraphernalia - I wish I hadn't got

pregnant at same time as you ladies cos then I could really enjoy your
time and not be feeling like this bugger LIFE IS SO
UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was hoping that by telling you how I feel (insanely jealous) I won't
end up sobbing all over you at Annas Birthday yet not being able to be
honest about why?

I have asked my fellow miscarriage colleague and she said she too was
jealous of her pregnant best friend but that it was fine after some
time phew!!!!!!!!!!!!!I have a desperate stupid need to get pregnant
before I see you so I don't feel crushed by what I do not have? Of
course this is madness as I may not be able to and it puts a bit of
pressure on ttc for Mid May (rabits with thermometres spring to
mind) but I think I'll feel better if we are at least trying (he is
less keen at mo as business not doing well and he does not like to see
me ill and stressed (I would be much iller just to have a baby though)
Can I shout LIFE IS SO UNFAIR again? :-(

I am sure that you feel totally shit about this too and I am aware that
my miscarriage is ruining what should have been a lovely time for us as
friends (whether I was PG at same time or not) - I am really really
sorry about it

Hope you don't hate me - I just needed to tell you this rather than
bottle it all up? Hopefully I can stop obsessing and be more normal now
I know you know how I am feeling (inside) even if I sound fine on the
outside (:-)) Love you Xxxxxx P.s. please do send photos and tell me
about when things happen - is better to hear/see it all rather than
know is happening and imagine everything?
P.p.s. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH you will hate me I know it! Have spent
an hour doing the "shall I? shan't I?" send it thing

Isn't it odd, how we can feel like we're coping fine, though a little numb (or I can, anyway) and we have all the relevant shields in place for seeing babies in the street, seeing pregnant women on the tube, watching adverts for baby wipes, etc, and something can sneak under the radar and make us bawl in the street.

Torres - Bizarrely, I've got a similar 'avoiding the phone' issue with a friend who had a miscarriage in December after IVF. As we've got a shared experience you'd think we'd want to talk about it, esp as we've known each other 20 years, but I'm finding I don't want to see her, as if in some way her experience throws mine into focus. I can't deny to myself it happened. Or something. As for your situation, no-one's expecting you to be rational and your usually no doubt all-forgiving self. I'm sure it can be easily sorted, and you'll feel so much better...

wise words basil and popsy- thank you so much. You are right, it will fester and I will spend every evening moaning to DH which will hardly set the mood for ttc. I've let it fester for 6 weeks hence the emotional outburst at work. I am soo sooo embarrassed- my boss obviously heard and came over and said he needed to do my appraisal, did i think i would be able to pull myself together for half an hour?

good idea to write it out and re-read it (was going to fire off email but feel i could say something awful that would be hard to take back- popsy- am with you on avoiding telephone calls- far far too hard and painful

sorry you pair are still waiting for AF. I'm hoping your grumpiness and cramps are a good sign- popsy you must be skint with all those tests!

thanks for being so kind!

popsy you have made me feel better!

when we get our AFs, we will raise a virtual toast to eachother and get tiddly at opposite ends of this fine isle...

y

brainybasil I am only telling you this to make you feel better (whisper: I have tested 5 times now - 2 crap sainzos tests that came up with a line hours later so not to be believed, 2 clear blue electronic BFN (don't trust computers) and 1 early response this morning (BFN)
Don't tell anyone - this is our little secret. A soon as AF comes I'll be able to quit this obsession and stop spending money on heart break

torres You are doing well as it is. I would write down how you feel (a letter), and then go over it again when you have calmed down and then again to make sure that they see is your hurt rather than their "haves" that are the problem. Then send/email it. Phone convos are too hard and I find I get upset and cry so easily they are not useful. I have a much better relationship with my PG friend after telling her howjealous I am of her- have not spoken on phone yet (i think we keep missing each other on purpose but still can feel we have tried?) huuuuuuuuuuuuuuge hugs

torres boy are you having a crap day...
frankly, i don't think you'll be able to ignore it, if you let the atmosphere fester, it could get all blown out of proportion.
And if you patch it up, at least you can feel all virtuous and positive and have no bad vibes distracting your body from ttc??

(BB's dodgy attempt at pseudo-science)

popsy - yeah am losing the plot...have most certainly been naughty this month, like you, I felt a "proactive" approach was best way to stay positive
have been having cramps for DAYS now, am totally fed up and very intolerant of 16 year olds who haven't done their homework. Fortunately, I'm not in today as I work part-time.
I'm just so fed up of waiting. I've been having all these weird symptoms but tested on Sat and BFN.
I know it was Stupid to test but then the Stupid Irrational Voice in my head told me to do it...

Hi Ladies,

I haven't had a chance to catch up on the posts yet,and am being entirely selfish in stepping straight in with my woes.

I am feeling a bit sheepish right now and highly emotional and would greatly appreciate some advice from those saner than me (ie you all!).

I have suspected for 6 weeks that a very good friend of mine is pg, but she just won't tell me (ok, i have to actually admit I haven't asked her- I am entirely crap at confrontations)but I have been probing a mutual friend who has made it obvious she knows but isn't allowed to say. It's been driving me mad (I've sat watching her rub her growing bump and I thought my heart was breaking ) so I've been avoiding her since. She tried to meet me in town but i couldn't face it- I wasn't sure if she'd carry on pretending nothing was happenning or break the news to me in the middle of a shop and I would have to run out in tears.

Anyway, I reached bursting point and just called the mutual friend, ranting, swearing and sobbing and demanding an answer which of course I got and haven't stopped crying since. All this providing great entertainment for work colleagues . I announced in a very dramatic way that neither of them was to contact me and hung up...I'm cringing as I write this.

I am sort of pleased for my friend but oh so angry and jealous too, and of course I'm angry about feeling left out of the loop even though i know they were trying to protect me.

Is it ok to ignore them for a couple of weeks to get my strength up or do you think I won't really be able to ignore it and it will drive me mad so I may as well contact the pg friend now whilst I am already emotionmal and incapable of work? (as soon as I've shed even a single tear I am incapacitated- I am so feeble!)

what do you think? I'm not even sure I know the question any more... I might have rambled the problem out!

myfirstposting HELLO! I hate PG/baby friend situations - I have realised that telling is better as otherwise you hate them for being insensitive and not sympathising or trying not to hurt your feelings. I am trying to be posoitive and hope this will make our friendship stronger (a long time in future . Friend with new baby wants me and PG friends over for lunch...just have a pic in my head of me downing bottles of rose in floods of tears or shouting like a wino to drown out the baby convo they will either be having or not having to save me from it (no win situ) - am thinking their babies will be around a long time so no rush to put myself in that situation (have to cope with not being in their gang though )

basil sorry to admit it but creamy nipple discharge made me snicker into my keyboard...there but for the grace of god..
On a serious note I have heard of that happening with an MC (i have little shooting pains in my boobs). Sounds like we are having similar cramp patterns? Mine are back again - my back aches low down and my hips too so bizarre! However I had erpc and yours happened naturally? I was complaining to a friend about the foulness of erpc procedure and she says her Mum (a midwife) says is healthy as cleans you out . Have you been abstaining this month or been a little "naughty" like me. Looking back would have been much more mentally stable to have stayed off the mother ship completely this time (but i needed the small chance that might get PG again to keep me getting out ofbed every day?).
I have not got anything done today -have a PhD to mark and is sitting there looking at me like a big pile of poo, while I read my Jodi picoult book about a girl dying of leukemia (v. sad but am enjoying being melancholy today hence the coldplayobsession)). Wish I was in one of those victorian plays as I could faint and then rest up for a year or so untilI was "with child". Instead, I'm going to pretend to read the brick, write reports and sneak glimpses at MN between chocs (whole box of thorntons gone today - bought as a poor you prez so decided not to share - what a greedy witch!)

m/c started 30 days ago - so hasn't been abnormally long yet. Just impatient!