How to have the "I want a baby" talk

Hi Badger,

I find that when you tell men what you want they automatically imagine you as having what you want "right now" - so to speak.

Maybe remind him that it can take even healthy couples up to 12 months to conceive and with your health issues it is adding an extra incentive for you to want to try earlier than expected.

My OH and I decided once we bought our house (we are renting at the moment) we would try. Then out of a discussion about babies which he brought up, he was under the impression that basically the minute I came off the pill I'd be pregnant and I informed him of the above, it could take up to 12 months. At the time he was saying that he "wanted a baby next year" (this was last year) and I told him it will most probably be the year after that, that we actually have a baby in our arms, reminding him of the normal time it could take to get pregnant (12 months) plus the 9 months you are pregnant on top of that.

Anyway it was actually him who then, a few weeks later asked me to come off the pill. I didn't put him under any pressure what so ever.

If you ask your partner if he wants a baby and he says "yes, in the future" just remind him that if that "future" means within 2 years time then remind him that if that's the case you need to get trying now!

Otherwise, if he clams up or actually doesn't want this then seriously think about your future with him. I was with my ex for 8 years and he was always promising me that we'd buy a house, have kids etc and then I found him cheating with a girl at work. When I met my current boyfriend and we began casually dating I brought up the subject straight away, that I'm getting older and with a view to having a baby and if that's not what he wants in the future then I want out before we have even started, I expressed to him to not lie as it was my life that would be forever messed up if he messed me around.

If your partner doesn't want a baby and you plan to leave him for this reason, please just make it clear to the person you're next dating that it's a deal breaker.

I honestly don't think it will come to that though, I think if you have a good chat with him he will come around let us know how you get on. Yes have wine ready for your chat! X

If you don't want him to clam up/ panic and change the subject, I would schedule the talk with him. Say "I would like to talk about my medical results and our fertility. Can we have a proper discussion about it on Saturday morning? I want to know what you think". Give him a few days to mull it over. If you spring the discussion on him after a glasses of wine, he won't have his thoughts in order, you will be too keyed up, it will be too pressured for you both.

When you talk, you don't need to come to a decision that day. You can have several discussions about this. Some people don't have realistic expectations about how difficult it can be to get pregnant with medical conditions/ age. Tell him what you know, let him think it over and maybe research himself too.

You do need to have a deadline in mind though. If he says " not now, later" - when? What does he want to delay for?

What would you do if he didn't want children in a realistic timeframe for you?

Myself and my husband had a drink-fuelled conversation about starting to have kids, but it was in vein as a week later I found out I was already pregnant!

How did it go badger?

*goes

I hope your talk goed well

DH actually bought it up after my last lap. The doctor explained that it has advanced to stage three, and it was getting worse not better. We decided between us that if we wanted to have biological children, we needed to start now. I think another deciding factor for me was making him understand how much pain I was in, and that I couldn't handle many more years of waiting.

I'm sorry. I really don't have much advice. But I know how shit it is to have this diagnosis almost force a decision on you. And I know how shit both conditions are.

Hey badger totally get where you are coming from. DH and I skirted around this one for a while before we agreed to start TTC. I find my DH likes time to process things rather than being asked to make a decision on the spot. He tends to say no or delay if he hasn't had time to think something through. So I ended up saying to him 'I'd like us to start trying on X date because [reasons]. Don't give me an answer now, but please can you think about it and we can discuss it again in a few weeks.'

Personally I found it less scary bringing it up that way as well because there was less pressure knowing he wouldn't have to answer straight away. We're now TTC and very much on the same page.

Also I know people say have these conversations sober but sometimes helps! Hope it goes well!

For years I tried to broach this very subject with my now husband; he refused to so much as give me a timescale on when he might be ready to maybe consider even talking about it.

We've been together for 5 and a half years now and he's agreed we could start trying, we're on cycle 1 right now. I would love to say it was a civilised, adult conversation from the get go, but to be honest I pretty much burst into tears and told him how depressed I was getting seeing everyone else have what I so desperately wanted for us. I was expecting to be told we weren't going to have this conversation right now, but to my surprise he said 'let's go for it'.

I guess sometimes tentatively skirting round the issue doesn't get across how seriously you want something.

I agree a calm discussion is needed, it is really hard to keep emotions out of it as after all it is an emotional decision. It took a lot of talks before we started to try.

I found that while I knew my DH wanted children, in fact he had instigated the 'do you see children in your future' conversation right at the beginning of our relationship as it was a deal breaker for him (and me) the idea of kids one day changing to kids right now is a scary one. It was one that he took a while to get his head around and I think only really came to terms with fully the week DS was born and he realised how much he loved him.

We never really had a mature discussion tbh I just cried everytime i got drunk about wanting a baby and eventually he agreed as well

I hear you Iggi. After having DD1 my manager actually told me not to bother applying for a promotion whilst I had pre-school children as I couldn't be flexible enough to meet the demands of the role.

Oyster babe is right. And even if you are determined to work full-time and maintain your career, a lot of women see promotions and opportunities mysteriously dry up once they announce their first pg...
The pay gap being what it is is not down to lots of women making bad choices!

WriterWannabe83 - That's shocking. I can't believe some women genuinely think it's okay to do that.

Have you decided the best way to approach this with him now Badger?

Sexist as it may seem, in the vast, vast majority of cases it is the woman who becomes a SAHM or goes part time to look after children. You see it all too often on here where the woman makes all the sacrifices in her career and is left in a difficult position when the relationship breaks down. This may not be the case for you but it is for many.

How old are you both?

kitkat - When I was on the conception boards many years ago there was a woman there tracking her cycles, using OPKs, calculating her fertile week etc but would quite openly tell people that her DP wasn't aware she was doing it. They'd discussed babies, he'd said he wasn't ready yet but she had decided to come off the Pill anyway and TTC without his knowledge as she was adamant he'd be "happy about it really" if she fell pregnant. I used to find reading her posts made me feel so uncomfortable as that deception is just abhorrent and she genuinely couldn't see that what she was doing was wrong.

Bluefeathers - Sorry but I think that's really bad advice. A baby should be wanted by both parents, and there's no guarantee that OP's DP would view it as 'happy news' if a baby isn't something he wants right now.

I found that my DH had the opinion that the first time we have unprotected sex we will have a baby. I had to spend a long time educating him about how long it takes and how difficult it could be.

Is your DH the same maybe? I just think sex ed in the UK is terrible at being honest about what it takes to get pregnant, and gives everyone the impression that it's an instant thing.

Controversial but... if you know he loves you and you both want kids one day then do you have to talk it over? Although of course you may want to go to a fertility clinic now to give it your best chance?

I 'did the right thing' and asked - DH felt a bit anxious so we waited and now we're struggling. DH says he wished I'd just come off the pill quietly and surprised him with happy news. He feels more pressure now we're 'officially' trying but I felt it has to be a joint decision. He says many men don't feel ready and panic when the discussion comes up - but that all his friends who were surprised by their partners say although a shock at first they've been delighted and it's the best thing that ever happened! He has lovely friends though!

I also have a fair few friends (in secure relationships) who say they fell pregnant 'accidentally' and I do wonder...

Thing is, time is of the essence here.