Page 8 | Ttc after miscarriage thread #8

Miami81 · 2017-02-05T20:07:00+00:00

Hey. Just starting new thread. Hope the rest of you find it.

Crazyvaperlady · 04/03/2017 08:57

Morning ladies how is everyone this morning? So who is testing first next week? I'm not even in my fertile window until late next week :(

fluffiny31 · 04/03/2017 08:57

He wouldn't go to counselling with me. The way he deals with things is to dismiss it i try and talk to him but he just wants to forget it. He spoke to me when it first happened because I made sure i asked him every day. He can be quite emotionless thanks to his dad. He hates having serious conversations and will just ignore you. He can be very hard work sometimes.

Original poster

Miami81 · 04/03/2017 08:41

Or also fluff totally hoping that some swimmers made it through for you!
As long as there is ewcm there is hope. Apparently it shuts off really quickly after you have ovulated.

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Original poster

Miami81 · 04/03/2017 08:38

Fluff
I know others had suggested it, but do you think some counselling might help. It sounds like you could very quickly grow to resent your DP and that is very damaging.
Being in a neutral environment with him and discussing why he feels this way might help. There is a part of me that thinks maybe he is cutting himself off from the pain and disappointment of what has happened.
Have a google, I found some helpful blogs about men/the fathers going through miscarriages and it really helped me understand my DH a bit more, we have talked about it more since then. My DH felt he couldn't be sad as he had to mind me in my sadness, people who knew kept asking him how I was so he felt like there was no outlet for his grief, that he had to be the big strong man and just take it.
It is a very difficult time, but hopefully with time the pain will lessen a small bit and your
DP will be open to the discussion again.
All the best.

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Original poster

Miami81 · 04/03/2017 08:32

Ok so next week we hopefully will get some results. Great.
I am having the absolute biggest build up to ovulation that has ever happened. I am cd9 today and bloated, some ewcm, pains in left and right ovary. Basically it is all warming up nicely. So much bd'ing to do before next weekend, DH will be a husk of a man by the time I am done with him.

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fluffiny31 · 04/03/2017 08:16

Miami i think peanuts hb was slow but she didn't tell me how fast or slow just said that slow movement is the hb. I was so wrapped up in he was 3half weeks behind i didn't think about speed of hb until i left and rang my friend that's when all panic kicked in. And when i went to epu they hid the screen and wasn't going to show me my baby i had to ask.

fluffiny31 · 04/03/2017 08:12

Sorry Miami i read that last message as anne had posted it. I must be still asleep. anne user are in the running next week. I'm not sure on anyone else.

fluffiny31 · 04/03/2017 08:10

Everyone next week anne i know I'm not because I've had a lot of cramping on and off over the last week but we dtd once unprotected as i thought I'd ov and we were going to wait till after af but i still had ewcm so not sure if you can have that after you ov or whether it stops as soon as the egg dies. My friend was pregnant and she's had losses before after her 12w scan she bought nearly everything for baby and at the 20w scan got bad news she's now in the frame of mind that you shouldn't get excited until after that scan and i get that. My dp didn't really know anything about pregnancy or babies before dd he was clueless he announced it on fb after i asked him not too before the scan and then at the 20 w scan he thought it was just to check sex nothing else after i told him that was the last thing they told you if you were lucky. He thought the scans were for our benefit not medical. I hope I'm either pregnant or he changes his mind. Keep your fingers crossed for me ladies. anne what day did you say you were due? user is also due next week. Anyone else? It's really weird because I'm praying for all your bfp but knowing people haven't had a problem i feel jealous of but you girls i just want it so bad for you.

Original poster

Miami81 · 04/03/2017 07:48

Anne, iecgi, fluff
Thanks for sharing your stories. I have been at the epu for the scans for both of mine thankfully. I knew something wasn't right with the first one almost from the moment of the test. Weirdly it was like it was too easy, I somehow have always presumed that we would have a hard road ttc. I now beat myself up that my attitude has caused all this drama. But I also never felt pregnant,
I don't know who said it earlier in thread about just knowing they weren't going to get through a successful pregnancy and they were just playing the part of a pregnant woman, that was totally me. Second one I felt pregnant up to a few days before scan. We went for a private scan at 7+4 as I just couldn't wait any longer. Our little bean had a heartbeat, which was amazing to see, but then came the blow of hb too slow and size measuring more then a week behind. We were in the epu a couple of days later to confirm hb had stopped.
Our epu are amazing. Since the first time they always offer to turn off the screen for us. The optimism and innocence is gone, and mostly when I hear friends are pregnant it is that naivety that I am jealous of. We are never now going to not dread scans, that's hard to accept but will just be how it is. I will always feel sick doing a test, I have known both times without doubt that I was pg before test though, so I can prepare myself a bit.
It's a hard road, but worth it.
Now tell me someone is testing soon, we really need a load of BFP's on here soon.

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iecgi · 04/03/2017 07:25

That should have said second time round I booked private scan first one at 11 weeks scan I had no idea was in ante natal clinic and was bloody awful made me sit in the waiting room till they rang epu then sent me out to the corridor incase I upset anyone ffs

iecgi · 04/03/2017 07:22

Oh ann I read your post and sobbed I had a mmc first pregnancy (I've had 2) and I too never look forward to scans I never look at the screen and I shake through out however I just new something wasn't right no hyperemisis just a bit of nausea I booked a private scan stared right at the screen and told my husband see look the baby's to small no heartbeat before the scan lady could open her mouth then she burst into tears too as she knew my history the only one not crying was me
I was super calm till we got home told the kids that yup like mummy thought the baby went away then they hugged me and I just went I think I actually felt my heart cracking..... you will find joy in pregnany but you will probably only see scans for what they are a check up and relief when all is well but I hope one day you get your sticky bean who's little heartbeat on a scan shows you miracles happen in the everyday . People win lottery and will never know the absolute ecstatic joy that little flicker will give you x

fluffiny31 · 03/03/2017 22:33

Anne talking on here makes me feel human. Epu were fantastic. They gave me the number and said next time if i have any concerns ring them straight away. The only people that pissed me off were the reception staff they had no clue what they were doing. It was my midwives and doc that were crap telling me i got my dates wrong when i couldn't of done not by nearly a month. And because I was bleeding. My response to that when I was tbere because I was so cross so imagine a cross voice well he's dead now and I'm still not bleeding. Epu agreed the midwives handled it badly. The sonographer also didn't give me a photo that i asked for so the nurse went and made her print one off.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2017 22:07

fluff im sorry they didn't listen to you, that's really bad. Were they better once they realised what had happened?

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2017 22:05

lentil and fluff*

Sorry for my self indulgent outpouring. I didn't mean to upset anyone. It's so cathartic getting it out. DH and I've talked about it plenty but no one really completely gets it like people who've been there themselves.

And the sonographer wasn't unkind at all but she was very young and I don't think she'd had that happen before which was why her colleague was more worried about her!

The only good thing I can say is all 3 hospitals in the trust have been wonderful, I know some people have bad experiences so we were very lucky and if that's how they deal with the bad side of things, I feel in good hands when we hopefully end up there pregnant again.

fluffiny31 · 03/03/2017 21:22

User i just knew from about 8w i kept saying something isn't right. I don't know how. I did the same with my dd i knew I'd to into labour early i knew id need surgery and I knew she'd be on intensive care and i wouldn't be able to get to her. I kept saying to the midwife that would be my worst fear and i was right. That's why i went for a private scan this time at 11w because i was so right with dd. But for whatever reason i believe he was too poorly for this earth which breaks my heart because i know i could of looked after a poorly baby. But i wouldn't of wanted to if he didn't didn't have any quality of life. To be fair on his scan he actually looked like he gained angel wings. I also didn't really have any pregnancy symptoms especially compared to dd.
Anne i just kept saying ok i knew it i told you, i knew it no one would believe me i knew it. As all doctors and midwifes basically said they didn't care because i wasnt bleeding.

TeamLentil · 03/03/2017 21:16

Oh Anne, that's just heartbreaking

I woke up in the middle of the night and knew the baby was gone. Soon after I woke up again with blood down to my knees.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2017 21:04

That's exactly it user. So many symptoms, which didn't start to fade till I'd had the surgery, so many plans and hopes.

And I was exactly the same! Went into the scan, she said my bladder was too full so to have a wee. Came back in, she did an abdominal then an internal. Coughed. Went to get a colleague. We could see the baby on the screen and my DH was squeezing my hand really tight. And she said there's your baby but it's not the right size and there's no heartbeat, I'm really sorry. Her colleague put a hand on her shoulder and asked if she was okay!

She said she'd read my notes and saw it was my third loss so the good news was that we'd be referred to a special clinic. I was completely numb so said okay, well thanks very much for letting us know. Madness.

She popped out to call the epu at the other hospital, I turned to DH who had tears in his eyes and was still gripping my hand and I let out this awful howl.

It was quite funny because she walked back in while I was sobbing half bent over DH and naked from the waist down and said oh, you're upset, I thought you were taking it well...

So I've waffled on as usual but the answer is I had no clue AT ALL anything was wrong. I had text book symptoms because the sac etc had continued to grow and I was still very pregnant, the only thing not growing was our baby.

The rest of it was a blur of medical stuff, options, tests, drugs at the epu after a hysterical 45 minute drive in awful traffic. We weren't offered a photo but I'm glad we got to see her. She was tiny and still but perfect and beautiful.

And all losses are tragic and can affect you massively. When you lose your baby, however and whenever it happens you lose a piece of your heart. But for me getting to 12 weeks and then finding out, feeling like the previous 4 weeks had been a lie and as her mum I should have known something was wrong was too shocking for words (or at least logical conversation!).

With my last mc last cycle it was super early and blood tests showed early it wasn't developing so we didn't have any time to get attached to it.

Onwards and sodding upwards now. But my innocence about the whole baby making process has buggered off for good and I'll never look forward to a 12 week scan again.

theotherendofthesockportal · 03/03/2017 20:55

I just knew too when I had my mmc. Strange as I had nothing to compare it to having never being pregnant before.

I did have symptoms, but they started to wear off about 11 weeks apart an awful exhaustion that had come over me around 10 weeks. My scan was at 13 weeks exactly, although I had started to bleed 2 days before. For the last few weeks I felt like I was acting the part of a pregnant woman, I just couldn't imagine physically holding a baby in 6 months etc.

user1480930113 · 03/03/2017 20:40

Can I ask how did you know something was wrong?

I was like a complete zombie when they said no heartbeat. Just went oh okay like no big deal....deffo in shock looking back now it was a blur. Then it was made worse by them having to refund us £10 for the photo we didn't want after I had made a stupid joke about it before we went in

Anne I can imagine it being worse than the earlier ones. It's the idea of a baby which makes it so sad, at least for me anyway. I know it was so tiny but I'd already planned so much since getting the positive test and that's what's hard to deal with. X

fluffiny31 · 03/03/2017 20:32

Same as me User i found out at 12w 1d. Apart from i made them bring my scan early because i wasn't due to go until the Thursday. And because i knew something was wrong i had a private scan at 11 weeks which showed he was small. He died between 11 w and 12 but measured just over 8w.
bertie congratulations on dh promotion. I think you all deserve your rainbows now.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2017 20:16

Same thing happened to us user. It's absolutely fucking awful.

I've now had 4 mc but the other 3 were earlier and nowhere as traumatic. That was my baby which I'll never forget and I'll always miss her.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2017 20:14

People say such funny things bertie and I know it comes from a place of kindness and a wish to help.

Thankfully only one person told me they thought my MMC was "meant to be". Took all of my self control not to strangle her. For us it was the perfect time to have a baby. Got married last summer, done up our house, jobs going well, both fit and healthy, due in May. Already had a mc so knew how much we wanted it.

But you're also right that for you now would be better and I so hope it happens for you soon. That's great about his promotion, congratulations! A lot of the time things absolutely do happen for a reason

user1480930113 · 03/03/2017 20:11

fluff that is a lovely thought isn't it I had a MMC so only found out at my 12 week appt when there was no heartbeat. The nurse said it looks like it stopped around 10 weeks!

Bertie I have to agree with you on that one. My due date was August which is the busiest time of year work wise so I was worried about it from the time I knew I was pregnant. I've often wondered if these things happen for a reason x

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2017 20:09

Seeing other people having the same thing makes me think how lucky we all are! You'd think after all the dtd when ttc people would want a break and I found early pregnancy exhausting so slept a lot but hormones were going crazy and epic dtd was an unexpected bonus!

fluff I feel for you so much. You sound like such a lovely mum and I hope you and DP find a way through this.

I've been having lovely cuddles with DSD, she's such a seeetheart. DSS has a weird new shark toy and said it was half DHs DNA and half mine. So basically our weird mutant shark offspring. Kids are weird. But they'd make such wonderful older siblings to a baby, please please can we manage to bloody well give them one....

BertieBotts · 03/03/2017 19:59

Anne that is TOTALLY a thing for me

DH got a great promotion at work this week :) Someone told me when I had my first miscarriage "The baby just forgot something, they'll be back" which I thought was awful and twee at the time but does make you wonder about timing. If I'd had the one which was due at Christmas things would have been very tight and extremely stressful whereas we should be much more comfortable in a couple of months. Come on baby. We're ready for you now, or will be soon!