Baby Envy

OP, I really wanted a girl too, so we found out at the 20 week scan (found it is a girl) and if I'm honest I would have been a bit disappointed if I'd been having a boy. However, I'm sure this disappointment wouldn't have lasted, and im definitely grateful just to be able to have a healthy child. This makes me think that there's probably more than having a preference going on for you, especially if it's impacting on existing relationships. I'd really recommend seeking some support about this, to talk through the gender issue but also the other stuff that's on your mind, such as difficulty in conceiving. You haven't mentioned your DP much in this, is he able to offer some support too? What are his feelings about this?

I also don't think some of the replies on here are particularly helpful and seem a bit harsh, it sounds like you need support not judgment.

you sound unhinged

I think you have expectations in your head about what you think having a girl is like. You're girly, your DD may not be.

DH and I both had a boy preference. Of course I had DD and we absolutely adore her, I couldn't love her more. My heart almost explodes when I see her laughing, squealing and playing with her daddy.
We didn't find out the sex before the birth and the day she was born was such a whirlwind disappointment didn't enter my mind.
I'm sure you will love your son if you have one. I wouldnt dwell on it, focus on ttc.

Do you think your friendships are breaking down because of your neediness? I wonder how much in real life you go on about having a girl, probably more than you realise if your friends are commenting. Do any of your friends have boys, how do you think they feel? Do you only offer to hold/baby sit girls? Because I could see why your friends are taking a step backwards if so.

I can't really relate to this as I had zero preference in both pregnancies (I have a boy and now expecting a girl). I'm an older mum so having healthy children is my main focus.

I worry about you getting pregnant and having a boy OP. I'm sure you'd love him more than you think you might but it wouldn't be fair to bring a boy into this world if you don't think you would love him and treat him as you would a girl. Maybe you should put conceiving on hold for now.

Op, I desperately wanted a daughter. My mother died when I was young and I just wanted that relationship - the mother-daughter thing.

But I have boys. I honestly wouldn't swap them and HONESTLY don't care. But when I was pregnant with my first boy and found out, I cried. I felt so guilty for crying but I did. I've forgiven myself now as I know I couldn't love him more than I'd love a girl.

Every now and again, I still feel a daughter-pang. I'm done with having kids though. So it's not strong enough to make me want another

Don't feel guilty. And please don't worry if you end up with a boy, you'll utterly adore him. I promise. Boys are wonderful (they say daddy's girls, mummy's boys and I think there's some truth there!).

But I hope you get your little girl.

Girls like me better (I think because I look very girly?!) boys tend to act like I'm a stinky girl and rarely speak to me!!
I dream of my baby being a girl when I sleep

Do you not think that actually it's because of the way you act towards boys? Children aren't stupid, it's probably because you behave differently. Whether knowingly or not. They probably sense you aren't interested in them.

As a Mum of two wonderful boys I find this rather unbelievable and hard to read, you do sound immature. What are you going to do if you have a boy?

Feelings about gender can be complex and aren't things to be ashamed of, but your reasons for wanting a girl are pretty... odd. As a PP said, you sound like a 10-year-old there. And when you boil it down, what you're saying is that you're worried a son wouldn't like you.

I would have some counselling on this, honestly. You have a lot of feelings tangled up in this which probably stem from your own childhood stuff and need to be worked through, and I'm worried that you are expecting a baby to "fix" feelings and issues from that time. That's not a burden that should ever be put on a child.

Well you said 'led to friendship breakdowns' so this feeling you have is obviously having a negative affect on your life: people are distancing themselves from you, or you from them, or both. So it is worth sorting it out and not hoping for or relying on a baby to fix it for you. That's all I meant.

Maybe a counselling session or two would help you get to the bottom of it. Any baby you have in the future - they're not there to resolve your issues and deal with your longing or feelings of failure - it doesn't work like that. And it's so easy to slip into that mindset: as I said, I did it myself.

Well, I wouldn't say it was normal - for me, it was definitely a symptom of general anxiety and also a wish to replay some aspects of my daughter's young babyhood that I'd missed due to PND - so it wasn't normal.

And while the feeling isn't something to be ashamed of, if you've been acting oddly to the point of alienating your friends, then perhaps there's some apologising and changing of your ways to be done there?

Although it's never happened to me, I do get what you mean and think it's normal. My story was just to say that no matter what, these things are never in our control, but it's the child that's more important, not the gender. I was lucky, tbf, I just knew the scan was wrong and that he was a boy so I was never actually surprised by everything after his birth as I felt I had a heads up, so to speak, so I never felt I'd 'lost' a girl.

What age are you, if you don't mind me asking? Your comment about girls liking you better and boys viewing you as a stinky girl sounds like something a ten year old would say!!

I have a dd and am pregnant with a boy now. I was surprised how I felt about it so can understand your worries about gender disappointment etc...however, I am delighted now and can't wait to meet him! By the way, was never disappointed myself but I felt very strangely about it!

To be honest, you're currently not pregnant, don't seem to have fertility issues, appear really very young and perhaps need to have a think about what you really want. Good luck to you!

I've never had a real preference in my previous pregnancies, but this one I'm leaning towards wanting a boy. I just prefer the boy's name we have chosen and as I have two girlies and one boy already another one would fit with my obsession with symmetry. Honestly though I don't care what I have. And I hate the phrase 'as long as it's healthy'.

My 2nd pregnancy, had the scans, even an extra long 20 week one as the sonographer was training someone. Baby was a healthy girl. Clothes bought, name picked. All good until baby had be born by CS at 36 weeks. Baby was of undetermined sex, but suspected boy. Huge deformity of bladder, genitals and pelvis requiring multiple surgeries. He was only confirmed as male after 24 hours. At that point I couldn't give a monkeys what he was, or that he wasn't as healthy as I'd hoped. I was just thrilled he was here and alive.

In the grand scheme of things, what will be will be. If you were to have a boy, I'm sure you will love him. He will still be the baby whose kicks you counted, whose wriggles kept you up at night. He will smile and giggle and cuddle and love you. That's what counts. You may mourn a little for the girl you wished for, but the boy would still be your child.

Suggest you ask the admin team to move this thread to conception where it will much better fit without the risk of upsetting anyone. Sorry to hear about your problems in the past, but closephene is quite right unfortunately. Good Luck.

Are you seriously posting on an infertility board about this?!? Where people would give anything for a baby of either sex?

During my last pregnancy I was desperate for a girl. I bought girly things and had girls' names picked out. During a late scan it was very clear the baby I was carrying was a boy. I cried during the scan (even though the more important news of the scan - that my child was healthy and fine, should have made me ecstatic) and was gloomy and upset until the baby boy was born. Then I fell in love - powerfully - and part of me loving him is BECAUSE he is a pretty typical little boy and into little boy sort of things (not wanting to gender stereotype - we bought him dolls and sewing kits too, but he's a lego and star wars kind of chap...) and realised what a nutter I had been. I adore him. He is coddled and spoilt and is disgustingly pampered by me and could not be wanted one tiny bit more than he is. My beautiful, beautiful boy.

I couldn't help being - frankly - barking mad during my pregnancy and the time before it (I wanted a girl from before he was conceived, like you) and nothing anyone says here is probably going to change your mind or your feelings - but I think it will pass. Control your speech and behaviour so you don't alienate your friends in the meantime.

You don't need to remove it. There are lots and lots of boards you can find emotional support of. Chat and conception would be two good ones.

Oh wow I've just seen you've only been ttc for a few months.

Op it was incredibly insensitive to post this on the infertility board, please ask to have it moved elsewhere! To conception perhaps.

I totally agree closephine85. I cannot relate to this one bit having tried for a baby for almost 3 years with not a single pregnancy.

If you get pregnant definitely find out the gender early so that if the baby is a boy you have months to get used to that and even have counselling if needed. Gender disappointment is a factor for postnatal depression.