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Original poster

Ttc after late miscarriage. Let's support each other. X

85 replies

molly29 · 30/08/2016 20:46

I was finally pregnant with my third child after 5 years of ttc. I was 22 weeks when I had a bleed and found out our little girl was dead.
I am 33 and desperate to fall pregnant and trying to grieve.
Just wondered if anyone else is in a similar position and we could help each other along?

OP posts:
kimblesj · 16/09/2016 23:11

Sorry I have been so busy with work. Molly I'm so sad for you but glad it was complete and so you don't have to deal with the physical aspect of it being drawn out.

Original poster
molly29 · 15/09/2016 16:37

Hi Impatient,
I am so glad you joined are chat but sorry for what you have been through.
I think this is a good place to share and vent with no judgement. I know it's helped me sharing with others who have similar experiences.
It's such a difficult road we are walking but our success rate of getting through each day is 100%.
How has your Ds1 coped? It must be hard because he's so little?
Ttc fills me with so many mixed emotions.
I had to have a scan in the end this week just to check I had a complete miscarriage which thankfully it was. But I had a panic attack which surprised me because the thought of having to be pulled around again felt so traumatic to me. I feel like some things I haven't thought about are the things that end up bringing it all back for me.
I am currently thinking about scattering our little girls ashes, I hadn't felt ready until now but I think it's something I need to do soon.
My body is still messed up from the early miscarriage but hopefully I will get back on track and they said as soon as bleed stops we can try again.
Hope your weekend was lovely and relaxing.x

OP posts:
Impatientwino · 14/09/2016 07:30

Hi Molly I'm sorry about all the pain you're going through and that you have lost so many babies. Life is so cruel. I hope that your body handles the miscarriage without medical intervention.

I lost my second son William at 39 weeks 6 months ago and we have decided that another child in our home and in our hearts might help us cope better with our loss.

Prior to William I had a MMC at 10 weeks and had to have an ERPC. I'm utterly terrified and feel so out of control of my life. Even heading back down the TTC road fills me with dread. I didn't have the best pregnancy with either of my boys (ds1 is 4) with lots of bleeds and scans so I was definitely 'done' so in honesty it's not a road I'm looking forward to going down.

However I'm 37 so we don't have a huge amount of time really plus I kind of want to get it over and down with if that makes sense. For me pregnancy, even late pregnancy does not equal baby so it's just going to be hideous until the end.

My cycles have been all out of whack which I know is to be expected after such trauma and stress but obviously that makes things more complicated.

I bought a clearblue ovulation kit last month and it didn't detect any ovulation so I had a bit of meltdown at the doctors and they are sending me for day 7 and day 21 bloods to see I'm ovulating and also some other bloods to check my other hormone levels. I'm trying to stay relaxed about it all but failing miserably.

Day 7 bloods are tomorrow and then I'm off for a weekend away with my lovely girlfriends to try and get away for a couple of days. They have been amazing and have helped me and DH so so much unlike some of our friends who have just avoided us like we have the plague or something. The whole thing is just so hideous.

I hope you didn't mind me joining you but I'd like to have somewhere to get some of my feelings out with people who understand and hopefully support others too.

Original poster
molly29 · 12/09/2016 13:02

Hiya.
No doctor said as long as it's no heavier than a heavy period and I get a negative test this week then my body has done the job.
Trying to be positive. I would rather now than later and we fell quickly so we r doing everything right.
As soon as the heavy bleeding started I wanted to say sod it and eat my body weight in chocolate and down a bucket of tea to wash it down. But I know that eating right might help us fall again and hopefully the next one will stick.
Will always view a positive test as the first hurdle.
How's things with u?

OP posts:
kimblesj · 10/09/2016 23:01

Oh Molly I am so sorry. It doesn't seem
Fair that it has been such an awful year for you. I hope that your luck changes. Will you have to get checked out? X

Original poster
molly29 · 09/09/2016 16:01

Hiya.
Hope u r well. Unfortunately I have really heavy bleeding so it's definitely a miscarriage. It didn't feel right. I just hope things can go back to normal quickly. I'm trying to see it as a positive thing that I fell quickly again. X

OP posts:
kimblesj · 08/09/2016 23:00

I really have everything crossed for you. I know the next two weeks will seem like forever, try and set short goals. Think about things you have to do with your children like next Wednesday we have so and so to do after school etc and it will go a bit quicker than if you concentrate on the pregnancy X

Original poster
molly29 · 08/09/2016 10:03

I hate those days! Ttc again is a difficult one with so so many worries and anxieties. I am so glad that talking helped. The short amount of councilling I had helped me, after every session I literally felt lighter. I don't like talking to people about it anymore as I think they will be brought down by it. Some days I never feel I will know what being happy is again. It's such a roller coaster. It already feels like a long journey with parts of grief I never expected.
I rang epu this morning funnily enough. The lady said it could be implantation bleeding or a chemical pregnancy and watch for signs of ectopic, she said at this point think 50/50 and actually that helps. It's going to be a long 2 week wait! She also said test next week and see if it's negative. It doesn't feel right but I don't know if that's my mind protecting me.
I hope u feeling a better today.

OP posts:
kimblesj · 07/09/2016 22:32

I'm sure they can, brown blood is a good sign! As is having positive tests. Have you got an epu Near by? You could always give them a call although I know they can't see much until about 7 weeks?
I was really teary today, think the decision to get on and ttc this month was more monumental than I thought. Saw counsellor today though so that helped me work through my thoughts and have a conclusion as to why I feel so sad so now I feel slightly better about it if you know what I mean.

Original poster
molly29 · 07/09/2016 16:49

Hi. How r u?
I'm so confused. Had this brown old blood everyday on and off for 6 days,such a small amount and at times has stopped. Did another clear blue test and still faint positive. I'm so confused! Surely implantation bleeds don't last this long?

OP posts:
Original poster
molly29 · 06/09/2016 12:10

Tycoon? Haha I meant ttc!

OP posts:
Original poster
molly29 · 06/09/2016 12:08

Thank u. I'll keep u posted. But I don't dare hope.
Good news that you'll start tycoon this month. Fingers crossed for you too. X

OP posts:
kimblesj · 06/09/2016 07:10

I've had implantation bleeding with 1 of my 3 and thought it would all end badly but it was a few days of brown/pinky blood when I wiped and that was it. He was 6 on Saturday so it might all be ok? I have my fingers crossed for you

Original poster
molly29 · 06/09/2016 07:04

Well since Fiday I have had brown blood with the odd bit of red. I bulk bought tests from amazon(which were rubbish) 1 positive and 4 neg. so I went to doctors who was rubbish and didn't want to know my history at all. A friend came with me and made me get clear blue and got two very very faint positives. I have never had bleeding with any of my living babies. X

OP posts:
kimblesj · 05/09/2016 22:50

Oh no Molly! Are you sure it's not implantation?

Original poster
molly29 · 05/09/2016 16:01

Found out this morning I am pregnant but miscarrying😪

OP posts:
kimblesj · 04/09/2016 20:24

Sorry I meant to reply all weekend but it has been middle sons 6th birthday so been running about, you know how these things are. Did you start AF yesterday? I'm just finishing mine so we have agreed this month we are giving it a go! So focusing on being as healthy and active as possible

Original poster
molly29 · 01/09/2016 23:15

Kimbles you are so strong, I am sorry you had so many complications. I had retained placenta too and then a bit of a rough time in theatre. When you have been through what we had to go through you don't want to be pulled around anymore.I am glad your colleagues are supportive.

OP posts:
kimblesj · 01/09/2016 21:50

Hi green, so sorry to hear you are in this boat with us. I think that is a great outlook and something I will try and focus on two, concentrating on the first step (two lines) then take each step one at a time.

I received counselling through bereavement team who put me in touch with petals (a charity service) which I think has helped me
Walk through the steps and get to the bottom of my own feelings rather than worry about how everyone else feels. I work in the hospital our son was born and have had lots of post birth complications including retained placenta, infection and my gestational diabetes turning into full blown diabetes! So have had to go back into the maternity bit (although not labour part) and I work every day in the main hospital so have walked by it a lot and by the chapel of rest etc. I am struggling remaining at work but equally it is nice to be surrounded by people who don't need me to explain everything to. They understand when I'm not in the zone and have gone home early etc so it has its benefits as well as some tough memories

Original poster
molly29 · 01/09/2016 20:42

Kimblesj the due day was a really tough day for me too. I have found it hard ever since thinking how old would she be? I was up all night the other night just thinking that I should be up feeding her. X

OP posts:
Original poster
molly29 · 01/09/2016 20:38

Hi greenwolf.
I am so glad you joined too. It's already helped me starting this. Hoping we can help each other through the inevitable anxieties until we all have our little ones in our arms. I'm so sorry ur colleague was so so insensitive. But you got through and showed how strong you are.
Kimblesj. Do you feel councilling has helped? Is it specific from someone who specialises? I did have 5 weeks of councilling through work. But I left my job due to the nature of the role meant it was too difficult for me and we have so much going on as a family unit that something had to give.
Hope u ladies have got through the day ok. X

OP posts:
greenwolf · 01/09/2016 17:53

Thanks Molly for starting this thread. I lost my little girl in April. I was 16 weeks pregnant and it was a missed miscarriage - they couldn't find a heart beat at a routine appointment. I have endometriosis and it's been over two years trying to have a family so we were of course delighted when we were expecting this little one. And we miss her so much - and even if we manage to conceive again, which is a big source of anxiety (even though the consultant says we have 'proved fertility') we'll always remember this one and wonder what might she have been like.

You really put your finger on it about anxiety around other pregnancy announcements. A colleague is pregnant and recently played the recording of her 16 week scan - ie heart beat sounds - in the office. She knows I had a miscarriage, although she may not know the details - I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, and I want to be excited for her too, but also I need to cry in the car on the way home. So many conflicting emotions.

The uncertainty is unbearable - I'm just trying to focus on the next step of 2 lines next to each other, and then take it from there. But I would really like someone to tell me when or if this will happen.

kimblesj · 01/09/2016 17:16

Absolutely, I am still seeing a counsellor who I can discuss the details with without worrying she will find it awkward. I'm very aware that people find the whole situation awkward and taboo and then find myself avoiding talking about things. All the firsts after him are tough. I am finding the last few weeks tough as he was due, the first time I went into the maternity hospital was tough, my milk coming in was tough, first time I left the house after he was born etc etc... I feel like pregnancy will be a first every day, and I won't ever feel in the "safe" zone and that until I have a baby in my arms I will be paranoid and over the top and actually be one of those women I thought were milking it or being overly precious

Original poster
molly29 · 01/09/2016 10:20

I suffer from anxiety too. It's awful isn't it. I am always terrified someone is going to announce they are pregnant. The next few months I have several people in my life due to have babies. The first one had a little girl a few days ago and I can't believe how it made me feel. I was so angry. It's so unfair. Know one around me understands that crushing feeling. Not even my husband.
We have lost 3 babies now in total and it feels like it only happens to me, which I know isn't true or we wouldn't be talking, but I think that's why it's so important to be able to talk to others who have been through this.

OP posts:
kimblesj · 31/08/2016 21:13

Agree, it's tough discussing it with someone who hasn't been through it. The anxiety is overwhelming I have lots of bad memories of being pregnant now and the maternity hospital feels me with dread.

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