How young is too young?

then not the

I've just read the other posts properly and I think BertieBotts has given very wise advice. I especially agree with the comments about planning a wedding being a very good test of a relationship! Can you share the work, compromise, manage each other's families and prioritise your new family unit (the two of you) over demanding parents/siblings/etc?

When DH and I planned our wedding it was quite stressful at times, but we did pass the test! He was keen to start TTC quite soon after we got married but for various reasons we delayed a few years.

Actually I like the PP's suggestion of being in a relationship for 5 years before having children together (unless you want to start sooner because of age and fertility concerns). And at least 3 of those years should have been spent living together, which can be very different from dating - often you don't discover someone's real flaws until the !

If you'd like to get married, do that first.
Marriage is a legal and financial commitment (and it usually starts with a lovely party, but that's the icing on the cake!) and personally I think it's important to make that commitment before making the even bigger commitment of having a child together.
If he's not ready to marry you, don't TTC with him. If he's pushing for a baby now, talk to him about marriage - don't just wait and hope for him to propose!

The most important thing is not your age. It's the strength of your relationship. Whilst single parents do a fantastic job, I don't think a single one would choose it above having a kind, loving supportive spouse..but would choose it every time next to living with an arse. Small children and babies are not the glue that holds or keeps a relationship together. Get the fairytale far from your mind. Babies are the handgrenade that more often than not tears a relationship apart.

Start with sleep deprivation from pregnancy onwards to 2 yrs old. I know I'm snappy after one broken night. Imagine that for more than 24 months. Add to that the very natural wish to devote all your attention away from your lovely partner in the direction of baby. Is he the jealous type at all ? Is he mature enough to accept that this is how it has to be for a while. ? Then, the real possibility that you will not feel like sex once you are pregnant and then for a long time after birth. Will you both cope with an extended loss of intimacy ?

I am sorry to be so negative about child bearing. There is so much about it that is wonderful and positive but the above cautions are the minimum to expect. Throw in the mix PND, baby with reflux, morning sickness etc and you will understand that it is a lot to put a relationship through.

I am not necessarily saying that having a child Young is wrong. Have them early and still be young enough in your early 40s to travel and experience stuff...but I am really glad I did all that when I was in my early twenties. Travelled the world, worked on two different continents , tried lots of different jobs before settling down late twenties, getting married and having my babies in early thirties when my husband and I were mature enough to cope with the hard but fantastic experience children are.

At the end of the day, as long he is committed enough to marry you. (£115 local registry midweek all-in, no spectators needed except 2 witnesses) then go for it if it's what you both really want. If he won't agree to marriage, he doesn't understand the vulnerable legal/financial position you will be in as the unmarried mother of his child and you should not even begin to consider it.

Yes, it's not like having a baby is the end of your careers. Most of my peers are back at work now, a year or less since having a baby, I've been back for a few months (self employed from home so easy for me). A different work situation is definitely something to consider, but equally it's certainly possible to keep up with your career. Some women find their priorities totally change and they have no desire to go back to work, some women find they're way more productive in work because they've got to get home to their kids. A lot of women I've spoken to have found their kids have shifted their priorities and help them realise work is not everything.

I had one in my teens and one in my thirties and with hindsight I wish id had both mines in my teens, as I definitely found it easier when i was younger. Plus having a baby young(er) does not mean that you will never be a homeowner or have a career.

I'm pregnant with my first baby at the moment, I am 38 my DH is 40 and I really wish We had one when I was younger

Xposted so I'll respond to your last post.

26 isn't old to be a dad. 30-35 isn't old to be a dad. You could wait 4 or even 10 years and he still wouldn't be an old dad. You have lots of time here, seriously.

Be cautious/careful when a man is putting time pressure on to have children as it can be a red flag for a controlling nature especially without good reason. I'm sure that probably isn't your situation but it's something to be aware of. It's unusual for a man to put time pressure on with children because normally men are aware they can conceive quite late in life and it's not like you're approaching an age to be concerned about fertility either. If you suspect that he's doing it out of insecurity in the relationship or because he's worried that you might not want to be with him unless you have something tying you to him, then have a serious long hard think about that. Don't have a baby to allay his fears, whatever you do. Make sure it's something that you both want and are ready for for the right reasons.

Yes. Sorry.

I had a baby when I was 20 and I really wish I had waited. I am 27 now and TTC #2 and it's worlds apart and I feel quite sad for DS.

There is no rush! Enjoy life a little. It's not all about clubbing and stuff either. I never really liked that kind of thing myself. But if I'd waited longer then I would have been all the more secure in my relationship (not saying you're not, but I wish I'd stuck to my original plan of 2 years before engagement, 5 years before children), we would have had more time to save and work up etc. When you're 21 it really feels like you've been an adult for a while now but looking back 7 years later, I'd barely really got started and I feel like I actually missed a big part of the parenthood "experience" which is that shift, because I never really got to appreciate/properly experience adulthood before becoming a parent. It's partly the freedom to mess about a bit with employment, try different things, knowing if you really screw up financially it's not the end of the world because it's only yourself you're supporting and there's likely a safety net, being able to travel for work for a year or two or at a moment's notice without having to think about childcare. And it's partly working out who you really are and what you want - from life, in the way of a family (I certainly have different ideas now), from relationships, where you want to live, etc. I felt like by about 25 all of that was beginning to come together. Hindsight is one of those annoying things.

I agree about the idea of concentrating on a wedding first. I didn't want a fancy wedding at all and I didn't have one and it was fine. But it would have been really lovely to have a honeymoon just the two of us. It would have been lovely not to be struggling for money and having to rely on family to help us, nice to have the freedom to save and make it our day exactly as we wanted even if we did do it cheaply. Plus, joking but seriously: The experience of planning a wedding together is pretty brutal and will give you an inkling about what it might be like to plan and carry out the raising of an entire human together. IMO, those kinds of tests are really crucial, because if you find out you're crap at compromising or it really hurts when they go behind your back and do something or that they are likely to pick the fun bits and leave the boring stuff to you, or their family is insane and controlling, or how you react when he accidentally pushes your emotional triggers or whatever it is - it's better to find that stuff out before you have children, because then you can decide if it's make or break and you also have the energy and the opportunity to actually address issues which come up, now, before the decision is going to affect your child's life, rather than trying to address things which come up for the first time when you're hormonal and emotional and sleep deprived and you feel like the baby has stolen part of your brain.

It would have been nice to go on holidays as a couple before having DC. I didn't ever really get to do that. And financially once you have DC your finances are always stretched and the cost of everything goes up - it would have been a great idea to both have the money to invest in things like a decent car, furniture, house, holidays (memories, relationship building) etc before having DC, rather than trying to buy those basics after having them, when you're stuck with cheap options or go without, and also build up a bit of a savings buffer so that if we were struggling we'd have something to dip into.

Having DC young is in many ways just as wonderful as having them when you're older, and it definitely isn't a life ruining event but you're also compromising on a lot of things which can just be hard. I was just old enough not to have much in common with the teen mum crowd but young enough to be worlds apart from the first time mums aged 25-35 with careers and mortgages and husbands. None of my friends had children at the same time as me. So it was actually really isolating at times and I feel quite envious now of friends who are just having their first because it was a different experience for me.

Just some thoughts. When I was younger I would have said yes 21 is OK but with hindsight - I don't believe it is and so my advice would be to wait. Your DP isn't going anywhere, your fertility isn't going anywhere. The broodiness, yeah, that might not go anywhere either but you'll have a much better experience I reckon by holding off than if you jump into things.

Yes that's another point, I'm glad that when DS is 25 I'll only be 50 - so he'll hopefully be self sufficient by then (bloomin hope so!) and I'll be freeeeeee!

You do both sound ready though so best of luck if you go ahead with it

Even a night in won't be the same with a baby or even a toddler but as long as your both happy for the changes then go for it but don't focus on the baby stage with the feeds as the hard part as that's the easy part!

I got pregnant with ds when I was 21, I dont think it's too young and you're a lot more sorted than I was. I'm like you and would rather stay in than go clubbing etc it will he a culture shock no matter what age you are so if you want to then do it :)
25 now and ttc number 2 so it can't have been that bad the first time around ;)

I don't regret having my children young. But I do wish I'd waited. It was always hard to fit in at toddler groups and things because I was so much younger. There's a lot I wish I'd got out my system before having children. 21 isn't too young but there is a lot of life to live out there.

I had my first last year at 24, DH was 35. we had been together for 6 years and owned a house so for us it was the right time. I'm having baby number 2 in August but I'm 25 now.

Everybody has different ideas on what age is a good age, only you know when your ready.

Do you want to get married? I got married first and enjoyed throwing my full efforts into planning my wedding, spending hours on little details and having a lovely, relaxing honeymoon. If I'd had my children first I know we wouldn't have had a honeymoon (or not much of one), wouldn't have spent as much time planning the wedding. Obviously just my opinion, lots of people get married after children.

Also, once you have children you are tied to them to the extent that any time away from them has to be organised to the last detail. I look back and am so glad we had holidays, time together just us, tried out new hobbies etc.

I think everyone is different I have a friend who had her first daughter at 17 (unplanned) married her dad and they are still together 16 years later with 2 more kids. Personally I didnt feel grown up enough until my mid 20s and didn't feel that our life was stable enough until now. DH and I are starting 2nd cycle of TTC now I'm 33 hes 30. I do feel its the right time for us but sometimes I do think how old we will be by the time our kids leave home and as grandparents!

Having a baby is completely and utterly life changing. Even in my thirties it was a shock to the system - the worry, the responsibility, the unbelievable sleep deprivation, the way you're always putting someone else first, the last minute change of plans when they're sick and you'd planned something, the lack of couple time, the constant demand on you. Don't get me wrong, it's wonderful beyond words too but until you actually have a child you can't imagine the impact on your life. You're young, I'd travel, go out, have fun. There's plenty of time for a family.

Ok, I am going to go against the grain and say that I think 21 is too young. Not because I don't think you would be an excellent parent, but because you don't ever get your twenties back. I would wait a few years, establish your career, go to festivals and mini breaks and see the world, enjoy socialising with friends, get married if that's your thing.

I would get married first then have a baby. You will then be so much more secure legally. What is your job like? Is it good for maternity leave etc. Can you return after the baby so that you have your own independence?

Ah you sound so much like me OP! Love a night in. If being a parent is your number 1 priority, I wouldn't wait. Life is too short to wait until you're ready for stuff.

I had a lot of comments about my age when I got married (age 22), some just surprised, most of them snide, and even some when I had DS at 25, which is a perfectly average age. Don't pay them any attention OP, hopefully you'll be sure you've made the right decision and therefore the comments will just roll off of you like water off a duck's back :)

It really depends on if there is anything you really long to do before you have kids - big holiday - career progression - study - etc

I wish we'd managed to go to las vagas before DC - it's still to be planned -

Your young and fit and capable then go have babies - it's the hardest job you do and so exhausting!!! So you do need to feel ready to take that step.

When I was 21 Dd1 was 6.

I was a single parent all my friend's at 21 were all out enjoying themselves, going on holiday, things that I never done. I did miss out on a lot of things but dd came first.
Had Dd2 at 38 (unplanned) with time I was married ,financially better off it's so different being settled and having DH this time round dd2 is 6mths.

Only you will know what's right for you.