Chemical pregnancy number 3

Thank you all for your lovely messages of support It means a lot to me.

A quick update. I've been asked back for a confirmation scan on Friday, but I've already made my feelings clear that I will push for a quick resolution to this. Between Friday and Sunday my hCG levels only rose from 8,987 to 9,199, so between that and the empty sac, it's clear that there isn't a viable baby hiding away anywhere. Ectopic is still a remote possibility, but unlikely in light of my progesterone level, which is 24.8. Apparently that's in the mid-range for a healthy pregnancy. They expect to see levels of less than 7 in imminent miscarriage, and in the low teens in ectopic. So basically, in a nutshell, I don't have a viable pregnancy, but my body is going to hang on to it doggedly and not let go for god knows how long Hence I want a surgical resolution to all this, as soon as possible. I've still got enough hormones floating about to make me gag whenever I clean my teeth and feel permanently hung-over, which is fine when you've got a healthy little bean growing, but a constant kick in the teeth when you haven't!

I hope everyone is doing ok. Thanks again for your support xxx

Thanks for the messages. Unfortunately today was bad news. My hCG levels are around 9,000 but there was no sign of a baby. Just an empty gestational sac. Not even a yolk sac. I'm 6 weeks 5 days, with no doubt as to my exact ovulation day as I was using OPKs. The EPU midwife said that it's possible to fail to see a fetal pole or yolk sac at that stage when cycles are irregular, but I'm like clockwork. The sac measured about a week behind, so she again said maybe I just conceived a week later than I thought, but that would mean I got a BFP at 2-4 dpo. Er, I don't think so. I've now got to go back for more bloods on Sunday morning. It's either a blighted ovum or another ectopic. Apparently it's possible to have a pseudo-sac in the uterus but the baby be elsewhere. Feeling like the worlds biggest failure. I couldn't keep my little boy alive, and I can't conceive another healthy baby. I don't even have a job to concentrate on, because I quit to raise my little boy. Feeling very overwhelmed with grief right now Sorry to be such a downer. Xx

Hi Sapph1r3, thank you for asking. It's been a tough week. We had our boy's inquest on Thursday, which was harrowing, and when it was over I went to the loo & noticed some spotting It stopped pretty quickly but sent me into a panic. I had spotting with my son, so I know it can be fine, but it's also how the ectopic first showed itself, and both of the miscarriages. I was already worried after getting 2-3 weeks on a clear blue digi when I was 5+3, so well into the '3+' timeframe. I've read lots online since about the misery of digi's, and the madness they can cause. Wish I'd never bothered! Anyway, I got 3+ this morning. When I started spotting I called the doc and she's referred me for an early scan, but our EPU won't do it until next Friday, despite my risk of ectopic. They also won't do 48 hour bloods unless I become more symptomatic, which I found really odd because by the the time I was symptomatic last time, the tube was already split. I thought they'd be more vigilant this time, but no! We can't self-refer to our EPU, so there's no point in me trying to call them directly. Hey ho. Just got the play the awful waiting game. Anyway, that's all my crap. Hope all is well with everyone else....? X

Thank you all for your lovely comments. He certainly was a happy little man, always giggling & making us laugh! He really was my whole world.

Frantastic I appreciate your words. I know I'll always be his mummy and he'll always be my boy. I won't take his picture to the inquest, just because I don't need to! His beautiful little face is never out of my mind. If this little bean sticks, they will grow up to know all about their extraordinary brother ❤️

So far everything is still ok. The nausea has been a bit easier today, which I don't like - I'd rather have my head down the loo and know that all is well! But the lines are still getting darker (yay!) and I still feel like I'm living in the tropics!

Yes, it could be that I tested very early. I thought I was 11 dpo (going by my OPKs) but maybe I was only 10 or 9. I'm still nervous. TMI alert - I've had the runs this morning, which I know I had with my son, but it was also a sign with my 2 CPs. Trying to focus on the positives - still feeling hot & queasy, so hoping it's just the hormones playing havoc.

We're not expecting any nasty surprises at the inquest. We know the pathology report was complicated, because although he had typical signs of sepsis, they couldn't culture any pathogens. They now think it's because the paramedic gave him a massive dose of penicillin when he started to show signs of sepsis. It can clear the body of pathogens very quickly, but unfortunately it can't stop the internal bleeding & organ failure. They know he had strep A because he swabbed positive for it in his nose & throat at the hospital (after his death). They've put 2 + 2 together and concluded strep A septicaemia. We've been through all the details of the pathology report with the consultant, so I'm hoping we won't hear any horrible details we haven't already had. It's not going to be easy though. One of those 'what the hell am I doing here? Why aren't I at home playing with my son' moments. Yes, apart from having his gravestone installed, it's the last big thing to go through. We'll be able to register his death once we've got his death certificate, and that's it. Part of me is struggling with that. At least while I still have 'jobs' to do for him, I feel like I'm still parenting him. I don't know how long the inquest will be. A couple of hours probably. I've been called as a witness.

I've attached a picture of the boy who stole my heart, so you can see what I'm missing

Aw, thank you Frantastic for your kind words. Don't know if you've come across this: We use a technique in CBT called Cognitive Restructuring to challenge negative thoughts, which tries to turn the focus away from what you feel to focus on the facts. You've helped me to do that today - you're right - every day that goes by is a day closer to this little bub being stronger & out of danger. I'm already a lot farther along than either of my chemicals, and the tests are measuring on track now. I still wonder what the 5 days of inconsistency was at the very beginning, but hopefully it doesn't mean anything. It's good to have you CBTing me! I'm rubbish at doing it on myself! We've got our little boy's inquest next Thursday, which is going to be a very tough day, so I'm trying to have lots of PMA to keep my stress levels to a minimum xx