Young and ttc

I have a fabulous DH of 10 years (3 married) and a DD (6 weeks) - all is great in my household, own our house, good careers and yet being a mum is TOUGH! I can't imagine doing this as a teenager. I'd be a desperate mess.

My pregnancy was good by most standards, but it was still hard. I needed my husband and I was grateful he understood my behaviour wasn't typical for me. My temper was short, I was unable to even open the fridge without throwing up... Bring pregnant restricted both our lives for the whole 9 months, from what we did to where we went to what we ate.

My baby is now 2 weeks old and I am soooo grateful that my husband is here and that we know each other so well. It's been hard, emotions running high, stressed, tired etc.

Now, I didn't live with my husband until we were married, and we got married quickly too, so I can't comment on that. But I didn't get pregnant for over a year and by the time DD was born we'd been together 3 years, married for just under two. I am very glad it took us a while to TTC, because we got to spend time just the two of us.

I would reiterate... Don't rush. I know the impatience, believe me (TTC took a liking time) but really, knowing DH better is worth the wait.

Op, I don't know if you're reading, but please put the brakes on for a minute. Stop TTC, if only for 6 months. Look into the reality of pregnancy and parenting- read threads on here. Ask questions. Ask yourself what you really want out of life and who you are. If in 6 months the need is as strong then go ahead, knowing that you thought about it and that you didn't just get carried away by things.

At 18, I thought I knew it all- we all did. I got married at age 20 because I was so sure I was so mature and ready. Everyone told me to wait but I thought they just didn't understand us. Thank God we didn't have a baby, because we divorced three years later. After that I finished university, went on nights out, travelled, read, worked out who I was. I'm now 29, very happily married to a man who I would never have picked at 20, but is so right for me. Now is the time for a baby, not at 18.

You could get a doll instead?

If you're serious about sacrificing everything for the well-being of your child, then make a real sacrifice - sacrifice the idea of having a child until you are in a good position - until you've finished your education, and are in a solid relationship. And by solid relationship I mean you've been living together for some time, and your finances are sorted. A few months while pregnant is not enough.

OP, what does it matter what advice is given to you - you evidently don't want to take it on board as its almost unanimously against what you want to do.

If you were so "mature" you would see how much your, and more importantly, your child's lives would be if you were to wait 5 years.

Right now you appear to be a 17 year old child buying cute baby clothes.

When I was 17 I had a relationship with a 29 year old and it seemed normal at the time but now I feel sick thinking of it.

I recently had my son and I'm 23. I wasn't ttc but I was SO naive about what having a baby involves.

I also have a career, a car, house and I've lived with my dp for 2.5 years. I wouldn't have entertained the thought of continuing with my pregnancy without some of these things.

How can a 17 year old have a career? They may at best have a job, to which even minimum wage does not apply.
The op is still a child. Children having children is a bad idea.

You must move in together and see how that goes before making the commitment of having a child.

Have you spoken about finances, how will you share the bills/income etc. Do you have a career?

You asked for advice on having a baby. Best advice is DON'T

This. It's not a good idea right now. Even if you take out the age thing. You need to have lived together and found that you're compatible as a pair before bringing a child into it. You need to get your finances sorted and be stable. Would you be moving into his house? I ask because if you are, and you're not married, you have very little control.

Having a baby isn't about stopping smoking and buying cute baby things. Live together, be engaged, get married. Even if you have the same ideals about how you want to bring up children, the reality is often very, very different.

I would definitely second the quitting smoking advice. Your womb and the environment you create are definitely jeopardised when you smoked. A friend of mine miscarried last year and she blames this on not quitting whilst TTC. Whether that's the reason or not I don't know but it can't have helped.

How long have you been together OP?

I'm not really sure what you want to hear? Have a baby with a man nearly twice your age when you're still a teenager? I'm trying to think what I'd tell my daughter if she came to me with this problem but to be honest I'd just be trying my hardest not to burst into tears. I think you'd be making a terrible mistake having a baby at this stage.

You can't tell people how to reply to you. The replies are based on the information you're giving out. The majority have said to wait and live together first, but that isn't what you want to hear. Don't forget that many of us have children already.

Agree with pp

The ages seemed to be relevant to your post as you certainly made them clear.

My advice is wait too, just live together first and get married. Being married gives you security, especially when having kids.

Um, you brought your partner's age into this I your first post. Your reaction is also a bit OTT to people asking what is a fairly obvious question, when considering a 32 yr old who is engaged to a 17 yr old.

OP I just wanted to add- and I'm sorry because you aren't going to want to hear this- I had a relationship at 17 with a 31 year old and I would have been absolutely adamant at the time that it wasnt in any way dodgy. I'm sad to say now, as a 30 year old, that when I look back it was dodgy as fuck.

Might be something to bear in mind.

Another one saying please live together for a couple of years first. A friend of mine from NCT classes didn't live with her partner until literally 10 days before the baby was born. It was a disaster. They could not live together, were just totally incompatible. The first two years of the baby's life were fraught with arguments and misery- despite the fact they'd dated for a couple of years and she said had literally never had a cross word when both in their seperate flats. They split up in the end I'm afraid, it was just a bad combination. Their baby was planned and they were in love but they just hated living together. I'm sure you won't be that way, but better to be safe than sorry.

You asked for advice on having a baby. Best advice is DON'T.

Of course your partners age is relevant, the fact you don't see that is more evidence of your immaturity.

"its just that society puts so much pressure on women to gain their education and have kids later after developing their career."

One huge reason for that is that the one of the biggest factors for health and educational attainment for children is their mother's education level.

The others are of course the woman's own wellbeing, but as that would be a conscious decision on the OP's part, that's her own issue or not.

Op are you in care or do you live with your parents?
What do they think?
Are you in education or do you have a job?
What if your relationshipship broke up?

Just be really sure that this guy will be a good, safe, stable and most of all USEFUL Dad to your child

He's a 32 year old trying to get a 17 year old pregnant. Since they are engaged, they presumably have been together more than 5 minutes, so he was 30+ dating a 15/16 year old?
What about that says safe or stable? Says dodgy fucking creep in my book.

Not sure what to say. You sound like an in for a penny, in for a pound sort of person so would be pointless me saying hold on a while.
I know 2 people who had their child (both just had one child) at 16 so younger than you. Both of them didn't continue with the relationship but one kid is now 13 and the other is grown up. Both women are now still young and are well on the way to carving out their decent careers. The kids are well rounded and know what they want out of life.
Having a child whilst you are younger (16 is TOO YOUNG though imho) definitely has a few advantages its just that society puts so much pressure on women to gain their education and have kids later after developing their career. It's not the right way for everyone though.
Just be really sure that this guy will be a good, safe, stable and most of all USEFUL Dad to your child. And make sure you want to see this guy one way or another for the rest of your life because kids do stick you together whether you like it or not.
Stay in good health and get a network of other expectant mums, playschemes because you will need friends with kids to make life easier for you and your family.

What are you doing about wages/money?