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Conception

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Original poster

What would your life have been like if you had conceived in your 20s?

32 replies

shopaholic85 · 16/02/2016 14:45

This is for all the women, like me, in their 30s who are TTC #1. I am really sorry if this kind of post is painful for anyone.

In the darkest moments after my mc 6 weeks ago, I really hated myself for putting my career first and not ttc in my 20s. I met my DH when I was 25 and we could easily have had children pretty soon after, but it was my choice not to and he never pushed it. I was naive and never listened when people told me not to wait too long, that it got harder as you got older and just ignored my biological clock ticking away.

But now I am feeling stronger, I am starting to realise that having children in my 20s would have been a disaster. I don't think our marriage would have survived it. Looking back, I was quite immature then and the added stress of having a child would have made me more so. I would have been side-lined in my job and would be in the same entry-level position I was in when I started. I wouldn't have the money to buy a bigger house, like we are doing now. I wouldn't have been able to travel and widen my horizons. At the risk of sounding cliched, I feel like I really know who I am now and what kind of mother I want to be. I just wish my body had reached it's peak at the same time as my mind!

How would your life have been different if you had conceived in your 20s?

OP posts:
Original poster
shopaholic85 · 16/02/2016 17:32

Thanks giraffe. I'm so glad that you got there in the end.

Are you on the same career path that you were on before you had children?

OP posts:
TeaT1me · 16/02/2016 17:29

I conceived my first at 30, but in the are I'm now in I'm considered an "older mum" by many. Most parents conceived at 18/19/20 I think and then a few at my age!

I do think my outlook is broader, but I do envy the small-townnesss sometimes of having famliy and friends around the corner.

Original poster
shopaholic85 · 16/02/2016 17:28

I'm sorry for your loss riddles. Sounds like you've had a wonderful 20s and, you're right, we shouldn't wish those experiences away. Have you started ttc again after the mc? Tell me if I am prying.

OP posts:
maamalady · 16/02/2016 17:22

I wouldn't have been a SAHM. Initially, anyway. I might still have had the spectacular career implosion that I had, and ended up in the same place I am in now.

I think (almost) four years of infertility gave me a kinder outlook, though - you never know what awful shit people are dealing with. I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone, but I think I'm a better person than I would have been for having weathered it.

I also have a good sense of how lucky I am, with a delightful (most of the time) toddler DD, and another baby arriving imminently.

Good luck to all struggling to become parents :)

riddles26 · 16/02/2016 17:10

I sometimes think about the same thing Shopaholic. To be fair, we did start trying in late 20s, hoping we would have had no1 before 30 but unfortunately it took 2yrs to conceive and then I mc 2 months ago.

We have been together since we were 18/19 but put education and work first so we had financial stability before getting married or starting our family. We then travelled and lived abroad before returning to UK and trying to start our family - when going through my mc, I did think if we should have travelled less/started ttc before returning back to UK/started ttc quicker when we got back to UK instead of waiting for me to have a job that would give me flexible working after the kids came etc

Like you though, I have since realised I was looking at other scenarios through rose tinted glasses. We wouldn't have been able to buy our house if I was pregnant or already had a baby when we returned. This would have meant living with our in-laws with a baby which would have been a struggle (this is expected instead of renting in our culture). If I hadn't waited for this job, I would have thought 'what if..' when I was struggling with flexible working and childcare. If we had shortened our travels, we would have missed out on the many wonderful experiences that strengthened our relationship and love for each other.

I have come to accept that we would have made things work and been happy if we had children earlier or later but I don't want to wish away the wonderful experiences and achievements I have had just because we waited before ttc. Hopefully our time will come soon and we will be able to share all the things we have learnt with the extra life experience with our children

Original poster
shopaholic85 · 16/02/2016 15:08

Thank you for sharing Ragwort. That's exactly what I've been thinking. I need to remind myself that it was a conscious decision not to have children in my 20s. I just didn't feel ready. I'm glad you had no trouble. I love hearing stories like that from women not in their 20s. And in the grand scheme of things, I'm not really struggling. There are no health reasons stopping me having a healthy pregnancy next time. I just haven't gotten lucky yet.

My mum had her first child when she was 17 and really struggled. I often wonder what kind of mother she would have been had she been older.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 16/02/2016 14:53

My situation is slightly different as I had no trouble at all conceiving at 42 - when I finally decided I would try to become pregnant (or rather my DH persuaded me to !). I am sorry that you are struggling to conceive.

But I agree that I was at a much better place in my life to become a mother than in my 20s - we had a lovely home, we could afford for me to be SAHM, we had lots of 'life skills and experience' to share with our DC; I was proud of where I'd got to in my career - for me it was the right decision, but of course it is different for everyone.