What would your life have been like if you had conceived in your 20s?

First of all so sorry to hear about your mc. My heart goes out to you.

I am 38 and never really wanted children until last year. I was OK with the prospect of being childfree forever, and still am, but last year decided that if I could, I'd like to become a mum. I always had other things I wanted to achieve, and I felt having a baby would stop me doing those. I wouldn't want to have a baby and have that nagging feeling about what I could have done with my life if only if wasn't for the kid holding me back.

Now I have a husband I love, a career I love, a Doctorate and a whole bank of brilliant life experiences to cherish including travel. I am ready for a family now, in a way I wasn't a year ago. I hope I will be a much better mother because now I actually want that more than anything else. I can throw myself into it with no regret or resentment at what I'm missing in order to be a mum. And I feel secure enough financially and professionally that I can choose whether and when to go back to work.

My husband often says he wishes I'd have felt ready sooner. He is worried about all sorts of things including the higher risks to the child's health of being older and the fact that we are more likely to become ill or die while our children are relatively young. He's right, of course, but nothing can make you feel ready when you aren't.

I feel incredibly lucky that we conceived very quickly (now 5 wks pg) but am acutely aware that I could mc at any time, or the baby might not be healthy. Hopefully I will be better able to deal with whatever comes our way than I would have been in my 20s.

I wish you all the very best with your own journey.

We started to TTC when I was 26. I had three miscarriages before we conceived DD who was born when I was 27. In the area we live, I was considered 'older' by the doctors. And my consultant was concerned about the recurrent miscarriages because of my relatively young age.

My career has suffered for it, in as much as I'm fairly sure I missed a promotion due to maternity leave. However my pay hasn't, so it's swings and roundabouts - I actually don't have as much stress and am more flexible because of it.

We were able to buy our own property (outer London), and live a good lifestyle; pension pots and insurances all up to date. I've just gone on maternity leave with no. 2 (I'm 30, about to turn 31) and am not sure if I'm going back afterwards, because I'm in the lucky position to have that choice.

I think there are advantages and disadvantages to both sides, and you have to be planners to make it work earlier on (and have a good dollop of luck) if you don't want it to have a significant adverse effect longer term. My DM had me at 37 and my DSis at 41, and we had a fab upbringing. Unfortunately she died when I was 29, which is the potential down side. I am glad she met DD before she died.

I had DS1 in my 20's and had to go back to work when he was 12 weeks old (on my 25th birthday, I sobbed all day!). We were young and naive which made things easier because I just accepted everything and didn't question much but because I didn't have money in the bank or a house (until I was 8 months pregnant, FFS!) I missed his entire first two years working like a bastard to cover bills and mortgage payments. I really REALLY regret that. There were nursery workers who knew his routine and what he liked to eat more better than me. Third child in my 30's when we were more secure and I had all the time in the world to enjoy him being small was amazing. Obviously I wouldn't change a thing because I love my children and the fact that they will be leaving home soon whilst I am relatively young but there are pluses to waiting.

Totally agree mini shimmy us too, we bought property mid 20s, got a car, had to have proper savings / future plans while our friends spent money traveling / celebrations etc

We've got a lot in pensions and really good employment insurance policies etc that have been well worth the investment that are no longer available

I'm 39 now and had my first at 24 and second at 30. The upside is we have the early childhood years out of the way and have more freedom to go out and do things now than people my age who have just started to have kids. Downside is I don't have a career as such (not sure if this has anything to do with the children though) and it was very isolating in the early years - having DD in my mid twenties was seen by others as practically being a teen mum. Financially I think it made us more responsible and now we're mortgage free.

I didn't graduate until I was 26 (spent 7 years at uni) so having children earlier wasn't really an option. But if I wasn't doing the career I am now I would have liked children in my 20's. We've just started TTC now and I'm 31. But I didn't meet my OH until I was 27 and I'm glad we've had time to get to know each other before starting a family.

If only we could pause our fertility eh?

Oh London we should swap places. I'm 36 and one of the old mums, most mid 20s!

I'm 22 and getting married this summer. Everyone thinks we will have a baby by next summer.

Many 22 year olds have boyfriends but still live a range of lifestyles. Marrying mine doesn't make me a 50's housewife! I'm finishing up my degree and want to do something with it and have a career before becoming 'Mummy'.

And I want to take a year out to decide whether to do a second 4 year degree, which would mean I was only finished with education at 28.
Sorry Granny, you'll have to wait for the baby!

On the other hand, I want all my friends to have babies that I can play with so I'm not against having children in your twenties, it's just not for me. Plus I want to be a SAHM for a while and want the financial stability to be able to do it without worrying (too much).

I had mine 25-30 and agree with above poster it was extremely isolating , I was treated like a teen mum by nct and all the local mums were 36/42 in north London.

I'm 32 now and with a 6.5y old still the youngest mum at school and all the 'new' mums here are still older than me.

Although many of my friends are ttc at 32/33 and have been ttc for 1yr plus and becoming stressed out about it - eg they will be ages 34 if get pregnant today then may have to start ttc no 2 when no 1 is a baby as concerned about fertility

I had so so much energy at 25. Started new demanding banking job when DD 6m old and up 3/4 times per night. As that's just what people in mid 20s do.

My uni grad 10yr experience friends seem to think everything becomes perfectly fitted around the baby once you have it and are so naive. Like they overlook the enormous energy outlay and commitment and so many difficult child related work/ child care things have happened to us since 2008 yet these people think it won't happen to them. And my 3 don't have special needs and are never ever ill. It's almost like people who wait until mid 30s think they have an 'edge' or need to justify the decision to wait.

The difficult work environment and baby/ toddler/ child challenges happen to everyone however old they are.

Good luck ttc feel for you xxx

It must be very hard, considering all the "what ifs" I know many other women who feel the same too - that whole, I spent my 20s desperately trying to make sure I didn't get pregnant, now I wish I hadn't.

Sadly none of us can know what will happen and can only make the decisions that feel right at the time.

Personally, I agree - things would have been very different if we had had DC in our 20s. OH is a little bit younger than me, and I'm not sure being a father at 26, 27 would have been the right thing. Career-wise, financially, emotionally, we have coped better in our early 30s.

Maybe it would have worked out. Who knows?

I'm sorry for what you are going through at the moment. What I always think, and I don't know if this helps at all, is - what does thinking this regret achieve? Can I go back and change it? Sadly no, none of us can go back and change it. So while hanging on to regrets is quite a natural response it is, like comparison, the thief of joy and in the end it doesn't achieve anything.

Indeed, shop, you make the choices that are right for you at the time. You can't predict the future, so all you can do is hope for the best.

I'm a SAHM now, but if/when I return to working I don't know if I'll go back to the same thing. I enjoyed it (and was good at it), but it's so tainted by my previous experience that I fear for my mental health if I were to try. Perhaps I'm more likely to go for a low-paid term-time admin type job - I've done it before and it feels safe to me, even if I am overqualified. I've never been ambitious or particularly career-minded, so that is one worry off my mind. Fortunately DH earns enough to keep us all currently, though who knows what the future holds. If I was working right now we'd be making a loss each month due to nursery fees, so being a SAHM is cost-effective for now.

It's strange how much infertility can affect how you think about everything, it's totally consuming. Having DD was both wonderful and a massive blow to my sense of who I was, infertility had become so much a part of me. I'm extremely grateful that we never suffered miscarriage, for all who have had losses.

I don't really know if I can be of any use in my reply but I hope I don't offend or upset.

I had 2 kids in my 20s. I'm early 30s now and all my friends are starting to have kids. Now, it's fine. I have friends with kids who I have got to know via toddlers / school etc.

However, the early days (including my pregnancy) was unbelievably isolating. I felt so alone and confused and on edge and whilst I wouldn't change the kids for anything I can see now that a lot of the problems I had were because I was so lonely as none of my friends had kids.

I've also been a sahm whilst dh worked since the kids were born and that too has been hard at times and it means I've no career really to go back to because graduated then had kids so have no work experience to speak of.

I guess I'm just replying because the grass isn't always greener and also because you just don't know how things would've been - I can't tell you what my life would be like if I was only starting TTC now. Nobody knows and tbh it's probably something that's best forgetting about because you'll only drive yourself mad.

Good luck with TTC

I hope you are feeling a little better for reading these responses OP

I was told I would struggle to conceive in my late teens and became obsessed with it at a time when all my friends were out having the time of their lives. I had my frankly miraculous DD at 23. I wouldn't change a thing. However - I have been sidelined when it comes to work and belittled in such a way that I don't think would happen if I was an older parent. It's going to be a hard climb up the ladder, that's for certain. It probably would've been better if I had been totally naive about my fertility etc: I would've had more fun, I would've pursued my career more aggressively.

It sounds like you have had a lovely life so far OP. Don't torture yourself for that. Fertility is so random and unfair. I'm sorry you're seeing the shit side of it, but the chances are that you absolutely will have a baby. Don't give up, and be kind to yourself

This is no brainer for me, as I was with the wrong man for most of my 20s! My life would have been very different indeed had I had children with him so I'm glad I waited.

However I can see that I'd be torn if I'd been with DH at that point but put off DC, only to struggle later. But it is such a lottery. I know someone who made the same choice as you and was pregnant after a month of trying age 35 -it's impossible to predict while way it'll go.

I wish you good luck and sorry to read of the MC.

I'm 30 and pregnant with my first. I was also 25 when I met my DH and if I'd got pregnant earlier I think we would have felt like we were rushing things. It was really lovely to have those years together just the two of us.

To be honest, even now I sometimes feel like we've done everything too quickly, especially compared to our friends. Some of them were together 10+ years before they had their first child!

I'm not sure having kids earlier would have had a huge impact on my career as my employer is pretty good on stuff like this. It would certainly have meant a financial hit though - we bought a place last year and I'm not sure how we would have afforded that.

I had my DD at 26. I get less tolerant with the lack of sleep as I get older, so I would have found having her in my 30s quite tough. I'm fairly lucky though in that I have a good job, I and have been promoted twice since starting this job after maternity leave (when DD was 1). She's 6 now. I wouldn't change a thing, but I've always been a fairly mature person anyway, compared to some of my peers.

I have experienced both, my first dd I was 27 and my second I was 33 with a mmc In between... I know I am extraordinarily lucky in that I got to stay at home with my dd1 on a career break and then went back after her and I'm now on a mat leave for a year. Work wise I have no regrets about having the time with my children but I have really noticed the difference in how I feel about parenting this time round, I'm much more laid back, calmer and confident which is an element of being a second time parent but my age is also a factor. I wouldnt change how/when I had my girls but think had I been a little older with my first I would have been less stressed at times!

Each person has a different way of life and what works for some will not work for others and it's totally up to you how you wish to live it...When I had my first dd I was by far the oldest mum on my ward at 27, with my youngest who is 8months I was the youngest by quite a few years so a lot of women are waiting for various reasons. There is no perfect time to have babies just when it feels right for you and your other half.

I'm sorry to hear about the losses that have been suffered, it's a shitty thing to have to endure but my consultant at the hospital when I was going through mine told me 1 out of 3 women will miscarry their first pregnancy usually because it just wasn't right and your body knows this.. And most will go on to have a successful pregnancy afterwards, Wish you all the luck in the world conceiving again soon.

I had my LO at 23. I obviously wouldn't change anything as I love him to pieces but I have to admit it is hard- I don't have a great career & am currently looking into retraining, we don't own our own home, I sometimes get negative reactions from other mums & even strangers, money is tight, my friends don't understand what it's like as they don't have kids, no grandparents for childcare as they all still work. On the other hand I have a long term health condition & was told I would most likely struggle to conceive, so I am glad I have done it young. Good luck everyone, I really don't believe the timing can ever be perfect

Yes I think I would have been. I would have been surrounded by different mums (a lot of my school friends waited until their thirties) and I would have been older and more mature. I would have had more money behind me, and in all honesty probably not have had children with my ExH.

But then again, my current DP and I only work as we met post having children with other people. I would have loved children with him in some ways, but I know in others it would never have worked as he is not cut out to be full time dad.

I would have also probably stayed in my high flying career and so not retrained like I have.

So although I don't regret my life as such, yes, Ido believe I would have been a better parent in my thirties.

SummerMonths, I don't believe having children early will have that cliche effect on everyone. I wasn't in a suitable place work-wise to consider children until 24. If I was willing to work full time after mat-leave, I could have had children at this point and still continued progressing in my career but I wasn't prepared to make that compromise - I wanted to go part time after children.

Considering the problems we had conceiving, I do sometimes wonder if I should have been more flexible and tried earlier but it can't be changed so I focus on all the wonderful experiences that I have had and hope it will work soon.

When you talk about your life, it is exactly what I had pictured for my own future from the ages of 18-22!

I'm sorry for yours too shopaholic Flowers: , I really wish that no-one would ever have to experience anything like it.

We have both lucky to have had great experiences in our 20s and had the luxury of time with DH before the children. I keep focusing on that and all the other positives of having waited when I do feel upset.

No you are not prying at all, I had my first AF mid Jan and we didn't try or prevent last month. Now waiting for Feb AF and hoping to start trying after it. I am still debating whether to use ovulation sticks, track cycle etc - the one month we finally did conceive, we had stopped trying (I had an investigation laparoscopy booked for following month), only bd twice, went on holiday and forgot about reality! Have you started?

I did conceive in my 20s and I hope it's not insensitive if I say it was not the cliche people expect of negative impact on career, money worries and missed experiences. Age doesn't have to define what you make of any situation.

I didn't mean to get pregnant and was v career focused. I kept working (after maternity leave) and secured a big promotion while pregnant with DC2. I still kept working and secured a position on our senior management board while pregnant with DC3. We stayed living in London as we felt too young to move to suburbs alrhough we are now considering such a move in our mid/late 30s. I travel with work so have still seen the world and DH even took time out during my last maternity leave and we travelled for a couple of months with the kids.

I appreciate I am inordinately lucky but I just wanted to counter the cliche of young(ish) mums. I really hope you all conceive soon.

Just from the other side - I had fertility issues and treatment to conceive in my twenties. I had two children by my mid twenties.

My marraige didn't survive (I now see this as a good thing) retraining has been hard with kids, money has been tight and tbh I've been an immature and pretty shit parent.

I wish I had waited until my thirties.

Hope you get your bfp OP